yeah

I wish I could go back in time to like 6 years ago to rewrite that statement cause I was anxious and not in the right state of mind to write something that couldn't be twisted against me or misunderstood, obviously what's done is done but I do regret not taking more time to write it more thoughtfully. I don't regret owning up to making a bad joke because I was a young edgy kid and thought I had the "license" to make a bad joke like that, because "dark humor is like a way to make shitty life things feel less shitty", which is maybe true for some things as long as the joke is executed well and doesn't seem like the very thing it's satirizing, but anyway.
I wasn't pressured into having that opinion and it wasn't to gain favor with anyone because of some popularity scheme, it was genuine disgust with myself and how people had the impression that I was endorsing certain types of behavior. I had a lot of young fans and was someone that people for whatever reason were looking up to, I felt like I had the responsibility to say "yeah sorry that was a fucked up joke to make and it was cringe, and also because of that video in particular there are people in my fanbase that legitimately scare me and make me and others uncomfortable". This is a really touchy subject so I understand anyone who needs to stop reading past this point, but--when i said that video was attracting unsavory people, everyone acted like i was talking about edgy anime memers or something, no I was talking about the kind of people who look at actual cp and groom minors on the internet, which i had firsthand experience with, not just me, but my own friends who also were youtubers at the time. I felt partially responsible for people getting hurt. I didn't want to harbor people like that in my fanbase anymore or make people think that I was okay with that.
 I was also just really burned by the site that I felt like i was a part of since I was an actual child (which is not a good thing, I know, also underage b&) because I had been doxxed and torn apart by so many people from there for years and years. death threats were sent to me and I feared for my safety, I still get scared when I hear my phone ring because of it. There were many people who went out of their way to obsessively detail bits and pieces of my life, people who mocked me for mourning a close relative that had passed away and they said it was my fault, people who stalked me in real life, people who wrote incredibly long messages talking about how they wish for my death in great detail and for other horrible things to happen to me, people who harassed my parents which made me feel immense guilt because my parents were treated like that because of me, people who sent emails to the staff at the school I was going to telling them that I was at risk of hurting myself (I wasn't) so that I would be "locked up in an institution " because they felt i deserved this for making videos they didn't like. And this was all before everyone hated me for being a traitor. The internet can be amazing and full of so many positive experiences, but it is still a scary place. I have recovered from a lot of this over the years but like many people who have been through this kind of thing, the marks are still there and it's just something I live with and im going to live with, so it's hard when I see people saying hateful things about me to not kind of fall back to a weaker mindset. I feel guilty for focusing on it so much when there has been huge amounts of love and support that I should be thankful for. Sorry if this was long and really depressing but I just had to get it out there.