BluntTongs-Acteus & Anon: Pirates for a Day

Jan 13th, 2014
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. >"Anonymous, I'm bored. What should we do about that?"
  2. >Acteus glances over to you with a dull and uninterested look on his face from his spot on the couch
  3. "Well, I don't know. Could we build something together, or do something that's "out there?"
  4. >you both try think of something interesting to do
  5. >...
  6. >you've got it!
  7. "Why don't we be pirates for a day?"
  8. >"...What the fuck are you on, Anon?" Acteus says looking rather interested in the idea
  9. "No, seriously! We've got some leftover wood left from your man-cave, right?"
  10. >"You want to build a pirate ship and sail down the river on it?"
  11. "Fuck yes!"
  12. >"Well, sign me up! Pirates for a day!"
  13. "Pirates for a day!"
  15. ---
  17. >you set to work, hauling wood and hammering the buoyant materials together
  18. >you're working on the mainmast outside, near the river
  19. >the entire ship will only be about eight-by-eight feet, more of a raft than anything
  20. >but whatever, you're running on ~Imagination!~ power now
  21. >Acteus is working on the "main body," which will consist of a couple boards put together and some sealant to make it watertight
  22. >"OOooW! Fhcknsht..." Acteus's words are muffled through his hoof he's holding to his mouth, trying to relieve the pain
  23. >he's also trying to hammer in the nails with his bare hoof
  24. >clearly, it's not going well, so you give him a tip
  25. "Use the hammer to hammer in the nails, Acteus. That's what it's for."
  26. >"No, I've got this." he says as he raises his hoof to bash in more nails
  27. >as you turn to keep sanding the mast, you hear more muffled curses
  28. >Acteus sheepishly walks over to your work area to pick up the hammer, and returns to driving nails
  29. >you stifle a chuckle, and get back to work sanding the 'mast'
  30. >A Few Hours later, you and Acteus are finished
  31. >the two of you stand back to admire your handiwork
  32. >it's a basic raft with short walls on each side, a large mast in the middle, and a giant white cotton blanket for the sail
  33. >you've also got a makeshift rudder on the back to help steer
  34. >"Fuck, yeah."
  35. "Fuck, yeah!"
  36. >you give Acteus a hand-to-hoofbump, and push the ship into the water, quickly jumping inside
  37. >Acteus gives a mighty flap of his wings and leaps into the sizable vessel, splashing some water up in the process
  38. >"Captain Acteus, reporting for duty!"
  39. "First-mate Anonymous, also doing that!"
  40. >"Haha, oh this will be great fun..."
  41. >you gently float downriver in your little ship, with you steering to keep clear of rocks
  42. >speaking of rocks
  44. "Damn, we forgot to add cannons!"
  45. >"Yeah, we -do- need those, don't we?... Why don't we just hurl some rocks instead?"
  46. "Exactly what I thought."
  47. >you maneuver the craft over to the shore and allow Acteus to fly off to gather ammunition in his ruck-sack
  48. >you keep the vessel as close to the shoreline as possible, and soon enough Acteus comes fluttering back, small rocks filling the bag
  49. >he lands inside the raft, dumping his stock in a pile in the center
  50. >"Ammunition acquired!"
  51. "Now we just need a target..."
  52. >down the stream a bit, you see a large amount of yellow that seems to be congealed into one mass
  53. >Hexferry
  54. "Heave, ho! Tsun-Tsun off the port bow!"
  55. >"Readying weapons!"
  56. >Acteus grabs a hoof-full of pebbles
  57. >Hexferry notices you in your little raft and scowls a bit, displeased at your "childish behavior," as she'd call it
  58. >she doesn't notice, however, the harmless (yet irritating) pebbles within your grasp
  59. "Ready..."
  60. >Acteus changes positions a bit to get a better shot
  61. "Aim..."
  62. >Hexferry calls out to you
  63. >"And just what do you think YOU'RE doing?"
  64. "FIRE!"
  65. >Acteus is just a goddamn pebble minigun, throwing volley after volley of the things
  66. >"OW, FuCK, AHK, ooh-" is all she can say in return, trying to scurry out of the way
  67. >as you leave range of Hexferry, she calls out again in a skyward scream:
  68. >"ANONYMOUS! ACTEUS!," her voice filled with rage
  69. >you sit down besides Acteus, snickering with him
  70. "Ah, that was hilarious! Ol' Sexferry's not gonna be happy with us when we get back!"
  71. >"Oh man, did you see her face, though? Priceless!"
  72. >and you continue to meander down the river as you have a laugh at poor Hexferry's expense
  74. >"...Don't pirates plunder things?"
  75. "Yeah, they do. But that's illegal."
  76. >"What about those baloons there?" Acteus points over to a baloon stand lying unattended
  77. "Fuck, yeah, baloons! Get that shit in here!"
  78. >Acteus leaps onto the shore with aid from his wings, grabs a baloon, and jumps back in
  79. >"The raid was successful, First Mate!"
  80. "Hooray!"
  81. >you celebrate your theft of a free baloon with another fist-to-hoofbump
  82. >and you lie down on the floor of the wooden vessel, gazing up at the clear blue sky
  83. >Suddenly, Acteus jumps up
  84. >"First mate! We've got a hostile approaching rapidly off the stern!"
  85. >you glance back your flying assaulter
  86. >it's Hexferry!
  87. >and she's got jars of some yellow stuff, most likely honey
  88. "She's gonna throw honey at us!"
  89. >"Shit, I just showered this morning!"
  90. "So did I!"
  91. >thinking fast, you maneuver the ship in an effort to escape the horrible fate behind you
  92. >Acteus picks up some leftover rocks and throws them at Hexferry, missing most shots
  93. "Oh shit!"
  94. >the river gets more turbulent, and more rocks start cropping up in the river
  95. >the universe just seems to dislike you right now
  96. >"First Mate, keep her on course!"
  97. "I'm givin' her all she's got, Cap'n!"
  98. >Hexferry calls out to both of you
  99. >"You faggots, get back here and take your punishment like men!"
  100. >the words take your focus from you, and the ship veers off course toward the bank
  101. >well, gg guys
  102. "SHIIIIIII-"
  103. >"OH FUUUUU-"
  104. >the raft hits the shore with such force, it hurls the both of you out of the vessel onto solid ground
  105. >you recover quickly, helping Acteus to his hooves
  106. "Get up Captain, we've gotta haul ass NOW!"
  107. >"Agreed!"
  108. >you and Acteus break into a sprint, running from the immenent honey bombardment
  109. >you're halfway to the Acteus's house, but honey starts splattering the ground around you
  110. "She's firing at us, Captain!"
  111. >"I know, just keep running!"
  112. >dodging globs of sticky honey for a good quarter-mile, you finally manage to reach the door to the house
  113. >Acteus bangs open the door, you following right behind him
  114. >hastily, he slams the door behind you and locks it, narrowly dodging one final glob of honey that lands on the carpet
  115. >naturally, you're all out of breath
  116. >"You'll get yours, you jerks!" you hear muffled through the door
  117. >Hexferry lets out an exasperated sigh, and you hear her trot off
  118. "I can't believe...That we didn't get hit..."
  119. >your words come slowly as you try to catch your breath
  120. >finally, after what seems to be ages, the two of you can breathe again
  121. >"...That was really fun, actually." Acteus laughs a bit
  122. "Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty good fun, wasn't it?"
  123. >"...Oh, no!"
  124. "What?"
  125. >"I didn't grab our loot from the wreckage!"
  126. "Aww..."
  127. >...
  128. >"Oh, well..." Acteus looks somewhat crestfallen
  129. "At least we had fun doing it, though!"
  130. >he perks up at the sentiment
  131. >"Yeah, it was great! Thanks for suggesting that, Anon."
  132. "Heh, no problem."
  134. >Acteus yawns
  135. >"I'm a bit tired from our little excursion, "First Mate.""
  136. "As am I, 'Captain.'"
  137. >you and Acteus walk down the stairs to the bedroom
  138. >the two of you, exhausted, flop onto the bed
  139. >"Haha, ah..."
  140. "Thanks for joining me, Acteus. It wouldn't have been the same without you."
  141. >"It was nothing. Now go to sleep~" he nods off, letting his consciousness drift away
  142. >and you do the same, memories of soft flowing rivers and angry honey-throwing Moths filling your dreams
  143. >but as your own consciousness slips, you're just able to discern Acteus hugging you in his sleep
  144. >...
  145. >Goodnight, Acteus~
  148. [END]
RAW Paste Data Copied