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[RGRE] No Such Roseluck (short)

May 26th, 2017
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  1. A dumb thing I made for RGRE a few months ago that I never bothered binning. Some story I was reading a the time where Anon was super-cringey kicked this off. He legit offered the pony who was pining for him to sock him in the jaw for not knowing how she felt about him.
  2. --------
  3. >"So, you're dating Roseluck now?"
  4. >You take a sip of your drink and use that time to gather your wits.
  5. "Well, not really."
  6. >Caramel looks absolutely crestfallen.
  7. >"What?! Why not? She's a decent mare, after all."
  8. "I know."
  9. >"Owns a business, hmmm? That sort of thing puts bits on the table."
  10. >You sigh and rub your brow.
  11. "I KNOW, Caramel. Look, just... it was weird, alright?"
  12. >Caramel squints at you suspiciously from behind his wine cooler.
  13. >"Weird how?"
  14. "So, I went and confronted Roseluck, right? You guys have been badgering me to pick up a herd, and I knew Roseluck well enough to know that she probably wouldn't beat me or knock me out and let her sisters rape me."
  15. >You down the rest of your drink and break out into a coughing fit, because you're a retard who apparently doesn't know how to swallow properly.
  16. >Caramel helpfully pats you on the back until you're able to breath again.
  17. "A-Anyway... I go up to her, right? I brought a bouquet of flowers, which..."
  18. >You scratch the back of your neck and look away awkwardly.
  19. "...which seemed like a good idea right up until I left that OTHER flower store from across town."
  20. >Caramel's laughing so hard he sprays wine cooler out his nose.
  21. >"Leave it up to you not to wait for the mare to ask you out, and then to do it yourself with FLOWERS."
  22.  
  23. >He playfully nudges you.
  24. >"What, were they out of tickets for this Sunday's monster-carriage event?"
  25. >Caramel chuckles and mumbles "Classic Anon" under his breath.
  26. >What a little weirdo.
  27. "So I brought her flowers, which confused her a bit."
  28. >Caramel looks gleeful and goes to open his mouth to retort (probably with an "I told you so"), but you hold up a finger to silence him.
  29. "It probably confused her because she works at a FLOWER SHOP, genius. After that, I stumbled my way through asking her out for dinner."
  30. >You look at your mug sadly, wishing that you hadn't finished it so quickly.
  31. >Caramel helpfully pipes up.
  32. >"And that's when things got weird?"
  33. >You nod.
  34. "She... had this speech, right? Really dramatic. Really loud. Lots and lots of wild hoof gestures. Said that she was an idiot for not knowing how I felt and how she had to make it up to me. 'How could I have been so blind?', she said."
  35. >You're staring straight ahead now, pointedly avoiding Caramel's gaze.
  36. >You end up staring across the room right at this pudgy purple unicorn in the corner, and she stares right back at you
  37. "And then she said that I could... HIT her if I wanted to."
  38. >Caramel offers you an "Mm-hmm".
  39. >Meanwhile, the purple unicorn points a hoof at her chest and raises her eyebrows curiously, seemingly thinking that you're trying to talk to her and not to Caramel.
  40. "Said that she deserved it for not thinking about my feelings."
  41. >You hear Caramel snort with mirth over to your left and consider blindly swinging to try and snatch up his drink, but think better of it.
  42. >The purple unicorn from across the room looks over her shoulder a couple of times, spinning in a full circle to see if you're talking to someone behind her.
  43. >Again, she points at herself with a hoof, looking panicked and elated.
  44.  
  45. "It was..."
  46. >You hesitate to find the words.
  47. "...not that big of a fucking deal that she didn't magically know how I allegedly felt, Caramel. She made a huge production over it. I had raised my hand to... I don't know, pat her on the head. And when I did, she closed her eyes and turned her head so that she was presenting her jaw for me to hit."
  48. >The purple mare from across the room stands up, smiling broadly, and downs the rest of her drink before sloppily slamming it back down onto her table, where it tips over and rolls onto the ground.
  49. >She tries to play it cool and pretend that she didn't just break a mug, probably hoping that you didn't see any of that.
  50. >[spoiler]You saw everything.[/spoiler]
  51. >"Ehh."
  52. >Caramel grunts from beside you.
  53. >"I guess that's being a bit overdramatic, for a mare. But, I mean, how could she have not known how you felt about her?"
  54. >He laughs, sounding a bit condescending.
  55. >"I mean, us stallions aren't a whole different species, Anon. If a mare can't figure out on her own that a stallion's crushing on her, then what luck will she ever have in a real relationship?
  56. >You sigh, watching the purple unicorn happily start trotting over to your table.
  57. "Really? I'm the only one who thinks that was weird?"
  58. >Caramel is happy to chirp his reply.
  59. >"Pretty much!"
  60. >He nudges you again, but you're busy watching that mare walk into somepony and accidentally spill her drink.
  61. >What a putz; you like her already.
  62.  
  63. >"Still, it was a bit of a cunt move to just ditch her after that."
  64. >You grunt noncommittally; these ponies are fucking weird.
  65. "Whatever, Caramel. If that's how things work here, I'll buy her a coffee or something and tell her I'm sorry for playing take-backsies with my dinner offer."
  66. >The purple mare finally makes it over to your table, covered in some kind of alcoholic drink and smiling awkwardly.
  67. >>"Uh, hey! I-I'm Twilight Sparkle. D-Do you wanna dance?"
  68. >She raises a hoof and glances down at it.
  69. >You follow her gaze and see something in black marker written down.
  70. >>"I mean... Do you wanna dance, hot stuff?"
  71. >You snort in amusement, much to the chagrin of Twilight Sparkle.
  72. >Why not?
  73. >Maybe THIS time you'll have a bit more luck with a mare.
  74. "Sounds like fun, Twilight."
  75. >Twilight looks ecstatic and does a happy little horse dance in-place.
  76. >You shimmy out of your tiny pony-sized seat and make your way over to the dance floor, waving a goodbye over your shoulder at Caramel.
  77.  
  78. -------------------------
  79.  
  80. >You close the picture book with a loud -THUMP- and set it down next to you on the couch.
  81. >You gaze lovingly down at your foals as you absent-mindedly stroke your purple wife's mane.
  82. "And that, kids, is how I met your mother."
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