Thoughts on Crying - 9/12/17

CW: Bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc. Also this is friends-only; no chance of potential future employers seeing it.

I can't help but feel a little pathetic and useless when I start crying.

My unemployment dispensation arrived this morning. I was able to fill up my car's gas tank, which had been damn near empty for the better part of a week. Doing so has me flush in fuel for a good while, but it cost almost a third of that dispensation. And the other two thirds are about to be devoured by my phone bill, leaving scant money for food, contributions towards rent & bills, upkeep on the storage unit, and so on. Help from home is on its way, because my support network is pretty damn strong, but in the moment it's hard to keep my emotional head above water.

I've been on the job market for two months now. I'm well educated, have a decent breadth of experience, and I work as hard as I'm able, given spoon levels and applicable information. I'm personable, easy to get along with in the workplace, and have a desire to be a positive contributor for my employer and co-workers. So why is it so difficult for me to find a job? Am I just not trying hard enough? Do I not know the right people? Are there too many younger, hungrier, and less scrupulous people pouncing on all of the opportunities I see?

All of this hits me when the math adds up to pinching pennies so my partner and I can eat.

I know it's not all bad news. I have a loving, generous family and a few supportive, wonderful friends. My partner is one of the best influences I've had in my entire life and having someone so level-headed and forward-facing in my corner and presence makes a world of difference. I'm a lot more stable than I used to be, and while I'm still trying to manage my mental and emotional spoons to the best of my ability, I think I have one or two more now than I did last year. I'm healthy enough to work, dedicated to being neither a layabout nor a mooch, and trying to take time for myself, be it rolling dice at D&D, yelling at the TV during a Timbers match, or challenging myself in video games.

My mood's been all over the place, and it's been difficult for me to focus. I want to be writing more, producing more content, getting closer to completing manuscripts and publishing whatever I can as a source of income and a fulfillment of a dream. Often, by the time I get some job hunting done, complete some errands, add up the money issues, and do chores around the flat so I'm not feeling entirely useless, I'm out of spoons and at rock-bottom mood-wise. I try to play it off, tell folks I'm fine, get out of the way of other people doing better, and keep myself from pooping on others' rainbows.

I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be, but I'm also still having trouble being okay with occupying space of my own and being forthcoming with my feelings, since in the past I've been accused of doing so to manipulate others.

Hell, it's been a bit difficult to put this post together given those accusations. But if you're seeing this, chances are you're actually a friend; in which case, thanks for sticking with me this long.

Getting better, doing better, being better - these are things I strive to do every day, even if it's merely a game of inches. Days like today can hamper those efforts, and keep me from feeling like I'm making any progress. Like any potential oppressor, though, these are forces that must be resisted. And I do, and will, resist.

Doesn't stop me from crying, though.