Username: Ghost-Quartet

Album: Lover: Better than *reputation* but not the return to form I was waiting for. I think my issue with it is that it feels a little… faceless? Like while listening to it I kept thinking “wow this would be great if someone else sang it” because the songs just don’t feel right for Taylor’s voice or persona. I think I’ll give her one more shot with whatever her next album is before I tune out.

I Forgot That You Existed: 4.5 This would be a decent song for Katy Perry or Olivia O’Brien but Taylor just can’t sell it. Her voice isn’t powerful enough to give the song any punch and the only way she knows how to convey the emotions the song is about is to drop into this weird fake valley girl voice that’s so annoying.

Cruel Summer: 5 It’s alright but why are y’all replaying this so much? Let the popheads charts breathe!

Lover: 6 It’s meh, I’ve heard this kind of song better from other people. Once again we have a song with potential that Taylor just isn’t equipped to deliver, she sounds particularly annoying on the chorus of this song. I wish she’d give more of her songs away to other singers because someone like CRJ or Alessia Cara could have done something with this.

The Man: 4.6 I’m kind of rolling my eyes here, I’m sympathetic to the sexism that women face but I think that this song has the wrong approach. Yes we criticize women for doing things that we praise men for, but tbh we shouldn’t be praising *anyone* for some of the things she talks about here. She’s framing the issue as “if I were a man I’d be able to get away with it” rather than “why do we let men get away with this?” ~~It’s catchy at least.~~ I tried to remember what it sounded like and couldn’t.

The Archer: 8 One of the best songs on the album, the synth work on this song is pleasantly mind numbing. You could just say “hunter” though.

I Think He Knows: 6.5

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince: 9

Paper Rings: 7.7 This one is cute! It sounds like a B-side a cute concept girl group would put out, and that’s a compliment. Does the melody remind anyone of “Who Says” by Selena Gomez at times though?

Cornelia Street: 5 This song is low-key hilarious, the way she sings “I’ll never walk Cornelia Street again” has strong “I am NEVER ordering from Papa John’s again” energy. The story she’s telling is really uninteresting though.

Death By A Thousand Cuts: 6.5 I don’t know why Taylor sees the need to cram so many different metaphors into the same song, these lyrics are so confused. Is the love a book, a house, death by a thousand cuts, a haunted club, a country… girl pick three and stop. It does sound like she’s maybe gonna start singing “My Neck, My Back” during the bridge, so that’s pretty funny. The sonics are pleasant though, she sounds good here.

London Boy: 6 Every day I’m grateful that this came out after the *Sherlock*/*Dr. Who*/*Harry Potter*/*One Direction* fandoms quieted down so I’ll politely ignore the more grating elements of it.

Soon You'll Get Better (feat. the Dixie Chicks): 7.5 Oh this has some country vibes, *Joanne* really changed the game, huh

False God: 7.3 Love the saxophone in this! The production is really pretty if you ignore the weird lyrics.

You Need to Calm Down: 1 I don’t need to talk about how this song is crap, or how much I hate that it spawned so much public discourse over whether or not the LGBT+ community needed to lick the boots of a white pop star finally declaring that “gay is okay” in the most exploitative way possible 10+ years into her career/3+ years into the Trump presidency, or how it’s terribly ironic that Taylor is trying to act unbothered when a huge portion of her celebrity has been built around her releasing very not calm songs and very expensive music videos about “haters” so instead I’ll just ask am I the only one who thinks that the instrumental sounds exactly like “Too Much” by Carly Rae Jepsen? I always think that’s about to play whenever I hear this start.

Afterglow: 8.8

ME! (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco): 2 Nobody who gives this a good score is allowed to make fun of me for liking Meghan Trainor ever again.

It's Nice to Have a Friend: 10 I like this, it sounds like something AJR would have put on their latest album or “Another Opinion” by Meghan Trainor. It’s a pleasant chill out kind of song, and I like how short it is. It makes its point and that’s enough. Definitely my favorite Taylor song in years.

Daylight: 8.5 This is a nice choice for a closing track.

Album: thank u, next: This is such a strange album because it has some of Ari’s best and worst moments. It contains some of her most mature, vulnerable, and interesting songwriting, but it also shows her at her trashiest and laziest. Basically a few amazing songs with a lot of filler around them. I used to LOVE Ariana and while I’m still a big fan, this era was where I kind of started to tune out because it just wasn’t worth it to wade through all the bs to find what I like about her. Still very curious about what her next step is going to be, if the next album is fantastic she’ll definitely have me on board.

imagine: 8.7 I like this song, I think it’s really good, but I never listen to it? It’s very impressive but in a way that’s kind of, like, exhausting just to hear. It’s like weight lifting. Also the shitpost is gonna be celebrities singing “Imagine” isn’t it?

needy: 10 Songs like this are exactly why so many young gay men have latched on to Ariana, I *knew* we were right to trust her.

NASA: 10 I love when Ari lets her theatre side out, and the melody of this song could have been lifted straight from a musical. This is to *thank u, next* what “Greedy” was to *Dangerous Woman*, the slightly left-of-center pop perfection single that got away.

bloodline: 8

fake smile: 7 I like the themes and lyrics of this song but the melody is just all over the place.

bad idea: 4.5 Oh honey this song was a bad idea… but points for that instrumental outro moment, that was really nice.

make up: 3 It feels like everybody universally agreed that this song was a waste of space, I’m actually interested to see who gives it a good score.

ghostin: 2 Is this song a genetically engineered termite? Because it’s super boring. I still remember posting my thoughts on this album the day after it came out and singling this out as the most boring track and finding out that everyone else loved it, to this day I don’t understand why because this song is nothing.

in my head: 6.5 A more interesting Troye Sivan feature than “Dance To This”

7 rings: 3 I’m just glad I was out of high school theatre by the time this came out. I find it really annoying but I must admit, she made the “My Favorite Things” sample sound really cool even if the rest of the song is #notgood.

thank u, next: 10 Not to meme but like, a literal cultural reset. I really think that this was the foghorn that ushered the return of pure pop music that we’re currently seeing on the charts. This is unquestionably one of the best songs in the rate, I’m still amazed by how maturely the song handles a tricky situation and how original and organic it feels. Whatever else can be said about how messy all of the stuff that followed in the *thank u, next* era, this will forever be a flawless pop culture moment.

break up with your girlfriend, i'm bored: 1 I don’t get it, she had the PERFECT closing track with “thank u, next” and then she tacked on this piece of trash. The message is bad, the song sounds boring, I’m mad that this was a hit.

Album: WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?: Billie Eilish is someone who I think came out too late for me, a pop artist with a theatrical sensibility and a horror focused aesthetic? If she’d been around in high school I would have been OBSESSED and who knows where I would have ended up? But as it stands I think I’m just a bit too jaded to embrace her like I’ve embraced some other artists. I’m very impressed though by how many people DON’T seem to feel the same way and have connected with her no matter what their age or gender or sexuality or whatever. I’ve met straight adult men with children who rave about Billie and have been to her concerts, that’s power. This is going to be an iconic album of the 2010s and I hope Billie can keep her momentum and become one of the defining music forces of the 2020s because she’s a very interesting artist.

bad guy: 8

xanny: 9 I remember when everyone saw the track list for this album we were worried about this song because a lot of kids around her age glorify abusing prescription drugs, but I’m glad it turned out to be the exact opposite. She makes being depressed and surrounded by drugged up people sound horrible! I like how *scary* this song sounds with the sudden bass and the twisted vocals, it’s unusual for a mainstream pop star that sounds this weird and unpleasant.

you should see me in a crown: 8.7 It’s a bit edgy but I’ll give her a pass for it because she’s so young and because she’s… actually pulling it off? She sounds cooler than me.

all the good girls go to hell: 10 My favorite song on the album. The hip-hop beat with the piano works really well, it’s so slick and easy to listen to, and “my Lucifer is lonely” is one of the best delivered hooks in the rate. I also really enjoy how ambiguous the lyrics are and how you can read the song multiple different ways. Who exactly is singing the song? Whose side are we supposed to be on in the story she’s telling?

wish you were gay: 7.5 It’s a little #problematic but what saves this song for me is the air of shame it has. I get the sense that Billie understands how selfish and juvenile the sentiment she’s singing about is but she’s so consumed with wallowing in self-pity (hence the ironic laugh track) that she says it anyways, which is an interesting angle for a song. It sounds… fine, it’s catchy and Hwasa/Kei performing it on *Queendom* is iconic but I can’t say it does much for me.

when the party's over: 8 This music video was SUCH a moment, it was actually my first exposure to her and I was like “wtf is this.” It’s such a simple visual but instantly memorable. The song didn’t capture me back then though and while I’m still not super into it I can’t deny it’s an intimate, beautiful track. But also stop consuming activated charcoal, it’s a scam.

eight (8): 7.5 This song is cute, wish I knew what it was about

my strange addiction: 3.4 The sample on this is weird but honestly the song is nothing special without it.

bury a friend: 9

ilomilo: 9 God I love how *creepy* this album sounds in contrast to how sweet the lyrics can be. Also, I like how this song is based off of a video game and then the background music kind of sounds like video game noises without being straight up chip tunes. Another example of a short track that makes its point and gets out.

listen before i go: 9.5 I heard this song for the first time while working packing orders in a warehouse and I literally stopped what I was doing so I could take it in so if you ordered a hoodie from the Sierra Nevada Brewery in December and it arrived a little late then that’s just this song’s #impact. But seriously as someone who’s struggled with suicidal tendencies (holla!) this song hits and I’m not entertaining any arguments.

i love you: 2.5 I’m sorry but that performance of Billie and her brother performing this on SNL is creepy in the wrong way. The song is really boring too.

goodbye: 10 I’m a theatre boy so you know I LOVE a reprise and a medley. What a fun way to close the album and thank the audience for listening to it, plus listening to this you find yourself going “oh yeah, remember that song?” and then going back to it.

everything i wanted: 7.5 I remember seeing the single art for this song popping up on everybody’s 5x5s after it came out and I was like “who is that” but now that I’m finally listening to it it’s nice. There’s some really nice moments but also some really boring ones (like the second verse) that drag the song down. Maybe it’s just that I’m from a somewhat dysfunctional family but like… stop holding hands with your brother girl. Not to shame but like…

Album: Cuz I Love You: The best album in the rate, hands down, bar none, and it’s neither funny nor a contest. I’ve heard people complain that this album is “too loud” but if it’s the word of the lord, why should you whisper it? The biggest flaw that this album has is the tacked on deluxe tracks and how they disrupt the flow of it, and maybe that the tracks are too short. Otherwise it’s nonstop feel good fun that I can put on at a moment’s notice and enjoy. I’ve been a Lizzo fan for years and her inexplicably meteoric rise to fame is beyond my wildest dreams, she’s the popstar that we need and I desperately hope that whatever her next album is can continue this success (though I unfortunately don’t see it happening given the lukewarm commercial success of the songs actually written for this album).

Cuz I Love You: 10 This song is so powerful, it hurts me just to listen to it. I have to dislocate my jaw just to lip synch it. I can’t even imagine how Lizzo’s body can channel this amount of power without it obliterating her body. That’s a death wail

Like a Girl: 11 Random fact but I saw the movie *Little (2019)* (which was fun and under appreciated, Regina Hall is a treasure) and it came out a week before this album did but this song was in it (albeit briefly and in the background) and me and my friend freaked out in cinema. Anyways, I considered giving a lot of songs my 11 but when I thought about which song in the rate I know every word to, which song always gives me energy and makes me happy, which song makes me go APESHIT, I knew it had to be this one. This song is so good even Lizzo doesn’t want it to end! Pop perfection and I’ve paid snipers to fire on any sludge drinkers who refuse to acknowledge this landmark moment so we’ll see who’s standing at the end of day three…

Juice: 10 [In case any of you were gonna try and say this is overrated since it’s been meme’d to death, here’s the receipts!](https://www.reddit.com/r/popheads/comments/agn47l/the_popheads_jukebox_week_100/ee7d4w1/) You’ll notice that I gave it a 9 there and a 10 here, and that’s because while I still believe that there are definitely some cracks in the song (it’s a bit plastic and the guitar is repetitive) and there are stronger songs on this very album, there are few songs in the rate stronger than it. This is just… iconic. Plenty of songs in this rate will be *remembered* in years to come, but this is the one that’s gonna make everybody lose their minds when it comes on at a party in six years.

Soulmate: 9.5 This song always catches me off-guard. I don’t think about it much and I always forget about it, but that just means I’m pleasantly surprised by it whenever I listen to the album. I think it just lacks some kind of trait to distinguish it from the other songs on the album, so it doesn’t *stand out*, but whenever I pay attention to it I have to acknowledge it’s actually one of the best on the album.

Jerome: 10 If y’all knew how many times I’ve just sat down and sang this song beginning to end… An 11 contender, if I had two this would get it. I don’t even mind that the lyrics contradict themselves (she calls him ugly then later says she never said he wasn’t attractive, I’m just saying).

Crybaby: 5 This album gets off to a tremendous start but this is where it starts to stall. In general I find the “loudness” of the album to be a plus but this is the only song where it truly bothers me. Interestingly I’d say that the verses actually outshine the chorus here, they have fun lyrics and Lizzo shows a lot of personality.

Tempo (feat. Missy Elliott): 6 Honestly I find this song incredibly overrated, I know we all want to like it because Missy is a legend but this is kind of a missed opportunity. The chorus is catchy and the groove is slick but the song just feels so flat? The more laidback energy is a nice change of pace on the album but the end result is a song that doesn’t feel very dynamic, even Missy’s verse doesn’t switch things up that much. You can even see this in the music video, wherein absolutely nothing happens. It’s not *bad* but it’s just like, kinda there. HOWEVER I’ll now say “accessorary” if I’m not paying attention so her impact I guess. Also body shaming… exists, is all I’m gonna say.

Exactly How I Feel (feat. Gucci Mane): 8.5 I’ve seen this compared to Meghan Trainor a lot so I assume that means it’s a critical darling.

Better in Color: 7 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caknmiIb2AA&frags=pl%2Cwn

Heaven Help Me: 9.2 I love this song but I hate how short it is! It’s pretty but it’s like two and a half minutes long and then a flute outdo, I need more!

Lingerie: 10 When this album first came out I was firmly against this song, I thought it was a boring song and a terrible closer, but it’s actually become one of my favorite songs on the record. It’s such a sultry, sexual song with a different energy than the rest of the songs that it serves as a necessary counterpoint, allowing us to take a glimpse at Lizzo after she gets home from partying and being a superstar and takes off her makeup, peels down to nothing, and waits in the heat like the rest of us.

Boys: 10 A mega bop, it might not have aged that well but it’s still great. There's something honestly refreshing about this track. True Lizzo moans her way through that breathy, seductive pre-chorus where she reaffirms that she "just wants to freak [us]," but the rest of the track is almost... innocent? in a weird sort of way? She's celebrating boys as people, not just sexual objects, and I don't feel like we see that a lot. There's a vibe of "boys will be boys" about this track where it manages to separate all of the nasty baggage from masculinity and just cuts to the fun parts. I hate its placement right after “Lingerie” though, it completely kills the mood.

Truth Hurts: 6.5 I hate that this was her big hit, she has so many good songs that aren’t just yelling

Water Me: 7

Good as Hell: 10 I found this song on YouTube a bit after it came out and listened to the whole *Coconut Oil EP*, and then rode my bike to school and plugged my headphones into my friend’s ear and played it for her and watched her jaw drop. “Who is this goddess?” she asked me. And that goddess… was Lizzo.

BONUS TRACKS

Christmas Tree Farm: 8 I mean, it’s a Christmas song. “Cozy Little Christmas” outsold.

Lover Remix (feat. Shawn Mendes): 5 Shawn, bby, you’re not helping the “he makes boring music” criticisms

Beautiful Ghosts: 2.5 Let me dig up my review from the Jukebox - The thing about Andrew Lloyd Webber is that he's very good at writing songs that sound pretty but are low-key empty schmaltz. He's the "mom pop" of the theatre world, huge with the GP but many dedicated theatre fans probably roll their eyes at the mention of him. (See also: Pasek & Paul) The only reason he's been able to get away with the career that he has is because of his ability to write songs that overwhelm you with their sheer power and this... does not. Webber's music has been diminishing returns for years now and this song just feels like a shadow of what he's done at his peak. It's aimlessly meanders without any memorable hooks or melodies; with apologies to Jerry Herman, I guess the hummable tune really is dead. It's unfair to criticize the lyrics because when set to music like this they never had a fighting chance but they're just as trifling as the melody. At least when he was working with Tim Rice the lyrics were campy. I'd mention Taylor's vocal performance, but I don't want to be mean. This is the kind of song that stops a show cold in the worst way. It's up there with the likes of "Suddenly" from Les Miserables or "Surprise, Surprise" from A Chorus Line as a song clearly shoehorned into the film just for awards consideration and you know what? It'll probably win an Oscar. Enjoy it you two, I hope it was worth it.

Only the Young: 8.5

7 Rings Remix (feat. 2 Chainz): 1 The sampled verses were the only good part, why take one out?

Boyfriend (feat. Social House): 9 This song was under appreciated tbh, it’s the perfect chill disposable chill out track.

Don't Call Me Angel (feat. Miley Cyrus & Lana Del Rey): 4 Lana’s part is bad, sorry guys, it is. She sounds cool but she’s out of place and she’s singing about dropping it low in a song that shouldn’t be about dropping it low.

Monopoly (feat. Victoria Monet): 3 Ariana must have been bitten by a radioactive hot take during this era because she gained the ability to generate controversy with even the most boring of music.

Bad to You (feat. Normani & Nicki Minaj): 4 I was like “Normani and Ariana and Nicki Minaj did a song together? Why have I never heard of this before?” and then I pressed play.

!!!!!: 5 You’ll never be Ariana Grande - Intro

Bad Guy Remix (feat. Justin Bieber): 3.6 I’m glad she had her fun.

No Time to Die: 7 oh honey there’s ALWAYS time to die! * /dies *

Bitches Broken Heart: 9 ooh, this is a vibe

WHEN I WAS OLDER: 8.5 This sounds like the background music in *Age Of Mythology*

come out and play: 8 All I can think about is that post that says that [“Everyday” by Buddy Holly](https://youtu.be/ZZ8erxalpm4) sounds like a man jacking off because this song has the same energy

Truth Hurts Remix (feat. DaBaby): 4 why aren’t we rating the random Kpop boy band remix

Good as Hell Remix (feat. Ariana Grande): 8.5 the frustrating thing is that this COULD have been good but also it’s not bad enough for me to hate it, so it’s just like, *there*

Fitness: 7 The one pre-album single that would have actually been cohesive with the rest of the album is the one that didn’t make it on… huh.

Never Really Over: 10 https://i.imgur.com/tTlJdQd.gif

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