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BluntTongs-More DF Faggotry, Acteus's mancave edition

Jan 5th, 2014
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  1. >you are at Acteus’s house, taking a break from constructing the mancave fort you both had planned, sitting on the couch across from Acteus on his own recliner
  2. >the fort is nearly finished, you just have to put in the drywall and furnishings
  3. >but that’ll have to wait
  4. >Acteus just challenged you to a Bloodlines game in Dwarf Fortress
  5. >he’s been playing for a while now, and seems to have gotten the hang of it
  6. >Bloodlines goes a bit like this: You control the fort for a certain amount of years (in this case, one), then you give control to him, and after his year limit is up, you get to command the fort again, ad infinitum
  7. >that is, until one of you lets the fort crumble
  8. >rules are slightly modified, as normally a lot more people play and nobody really gets control again, but nobody else in town wants to sit at a computer all day for some reason
  9.  
  10. >”So, Anonymous. What do you think?”
  11. >this newfag could stand to use an asswhoopin’
  12. >erm, not the sexual kind
  13. “I accept the challenge, but under one term:”
  14. >you smile
  15. “If I win, you have to-”
  16. >”OOOH, no, I am /not/ sucking your cock!”
  17. “No, no, no, you misunderstand! If you lose, I want you to do ALL the heavy lifting in your mancave. All the furniture, all the drywall. Everything.”
  18. >”Fine. But if I win…”
  19. >Acteus smiles a smile more devious than yours
  20. >”You have to suck my dick!”
  21. >goddamnit Acteus
  22. “That’s hypocritical, and you know it!”
  23. >”Oh, you must too afraid to play, knowing that you’ll soon be having THIS-”
  24. >he whips his large, flacid, black cock out
  25. >”-In your gob!”
  26. >you reel backwards a bit, horrified at the thought of the perverse act, and ignore your own acts of the perverted kind
  27. >but you steel yourself; you’ve been playing DF for years now, and Acteus just started about a month ago
  28. >he’s no match for you, and you know it
  29. “Alright, I accept!”
  30. >”I hope you like thick, juicy hotdogs, Anon.~”
  31. “Fuck off. Prepare to have numerous spine injuries!”
  32.  
  33. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  34.  
  35. >It is year twenty in your little fortress, your own year to do things
  36. >things are going to shit fast, but it’s Autumn now
  37. >you only have to hold out until Spring next year, though, and then Acteus will be buttfucked into oblivion by all these shitty fucking bees that are god-damn everywhere
  38. >’Urist mcDislikesbees cancels move important fucking stone: stung by Asshole Bee’
  39. >’Urist mcAsshole cancels build wall: stung by Asshole Bee’
  40. >over and over again, spamming the announcement box with these messages
  41. >pieces of shit
  42. >but aside from the only Very Annoying bees, there’s the obvious threat of the giant rotten megabeast that just showed up
  43. >it’s a giant parrot with deadly blood, and some ribs on the outside of it’s body
  44. >also it’s reviving all these corpses of things you slaughtered, as well as the severed body parts
  45. >no wait, that’s just the fucking necromancer
  46. >luckily, your entrance has collapsed just now, so they can’t get in
  47. >unluckily, the cave-in also destroyed your farm plots, the only real stable source of food
  48. “Acteus, couldn’t you have put proper support in those farming rooms?”
  49. >”You ass, you could have done that years ago.”
  50. >welp
  51. >now to starve everyone to death
  52. >implying they won’t go berserk and kill everyone else before that, considering fifty of your seventy-five dwarves were trapped outside building a perimeter wall
  53. >oh good, they’ve rose from the dead seeking flesh, how nice
  54. “Couldn’t you have ordered that wall to be built earlier?”
  55. >”No, because I wanted to try and get rid of the gaping rectal cavity in our fort known colloquially as ‘bees.’ Unfortunately, it didn’t work.”
  56. “I can see that.”
  57. >a message pops up at the bottom of the screen, stating that it is now Winter
  58. >Acteus is clearly terrified at this
  59. >”Shitshitshitshitshit-”
  60. >he runs around the room, fluttering his wings and getting dust on everything
  61. >the game pauses as a message comes up reading something vaguely along the lines of:
  62. >’Urist mcFuckyofort has gone berserk!’
  63. >here comes the tantrum spiral
  64.  
  65. >the enraged dwarf runs through the narrow underground tunnels, destroying all in his way as it nears the end of the year
  66. >he doesn’t even allow them to get mad at him for slicing them up
  67. >fucking professional swordsdwarves, man.
  68. >as the horrible monstrosity that used to be a sane dwarf reaches the last miner in your fort, as well as the last one alive, the year end is nigh
  69. >this is it
  70. >the end
  71. >now you’ll have to suck mothdick
  72. >i-it won’t be that bad, right?
  73. >Acteus just looks at you and cackles
  74. >the swordsdwarf reaches the miner…
  75. >...swings his sword…
  76. >...and gets a pickaxe to the brainpan
  77. >he drops, dead, to the ground, and the timer ticks over to a new year
  78. >all that’s left is the miner, now huddled in a corner of a bedroom
  79. >Acteus stops the laughter, and looks at the screen, bewildered
  80. >”I…”
  81. >”...”
  82. >”...Shit.”
  83. >mere weeks later in-game, and the poor dwarf starves to death
  84. >Acteus hangs his head as you cheer in victory, free from the terror of having to swallow moth-sperm
  85.  
  86. >that night, you sip a banana smoothie while Acteus hauls all the furniture around and puts in the walls.
  87. >It’s a great to be a ‘professional’ DF player
  88. >Acteus didn’t complain, but he did swing his limp cock in front of your face a few times
  89. >and so, when you both finished construction, you forgot past differences and danced the night away with your new dico-ball and dance floor, drinking from your sweet new beer-dispensers all the while
  90. >and as Acteus begins fall asleep on the large sofa-bed combo you (or rather, he) brought down here, you lay down next to him, tired from dancing and drinking
  91. >as you lie there, drifting off to sleep, Acteus slowly wraps his tired and drunken hooves around you
  92. >you don’t even bother removing them from yourself as you fall into the wondrous void known as sleep
  93.  
  94. [END]
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