Monsters & Mazes (Barbarian version)

You decide to be the Barbarian. They're pretty cool.
It's a helmeted figure identical to Eddie's.

eddie "So you like chopping off heads with axes too, huh? Cool."

Angus hands you your character sheet and dice. You look over your stats, and as far as you can remember, they're typical for your class.

eddie "Kinda sucks that the only people who like RPGs in this town are like, way older than me."
britt "I'm pretty much the same age."
eddie "Yeah but, like, that's it?"
eddie "My mom doesn't actually know you two are, like, over twenty. 'Cause that would sound weird, don't you think?"
angus "Call it adult supervision."
angus "Anyway… is everyone ready?"

The group nods eagerly. Eddie reaches for a handful of snack mix and loudly munches on it. Gregg takes another sip of his ale.

eddie "Yeah."
player "As ready as I'll ever be."
britt "Indeed."
gregg "Let's go!!"
gregg "It's time to go on an adventure!"
angus "Ok then, let's get to it."

Angus clears his throat and straightens himself.

angus "You have arrived in a small village, where you have heard rumors of bandits who have kidnapped much of the local children."
player "And we're here to rescue them?"
angus "Exactly."
angus "Their parents are distraught, but are afraid of the bandits. They threaten to harm the children if they do not pay three bags of gold, but none among them have enough."
angus "They have tried to gather all their life's savings together, but they sadly fall short."
gregg "Such cruel miscreants these bandits be!!"
gregg "Let's save the children!"

Well that was some hokey dialogue.

angus "You are standing at the outskirts of the town. Villagers are milling about in the marketplace, and there is an inn nearby, where a tavern can be found."
angus "Further down the road is the town hall."
angus "What will you do to find the children?"

You look at your character sheet. You have a pretty high "Strength" stat, typical for a Bard.

player "I say we hold a stakeout. Then we can ambush the bandits when they try to kidnap the children again!"
player "Surely we can taken them on?"
eddie "I like it! But the night can't come soon enough, so I can give those bandits a taste of my blade!"
britt "But where will they be found?"
player "Umm…"
player "Let's just ask someone."
britt "I approach one of the villagers, an old woman."
britt "I say, madam, are you one of the mothers that has suffered at the hands of these bandits?"
angus "The old woman is somewhat frightened by your presence."

Angus puts on a falsetto voice to imitate a woman's, but it's not convincing at all. His voice is just too husky.

angus "Oh my! Who are you? What do you want with me?"
britt "Fear not, madam! I and my companions are here to free you of the tyranny of the bandits and rescue your children!"
eddie "We are adventurers, come here to aid you!"
gregg "Down with the tyrants!!"
eddie "Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to kill all the bandits!"
angus "Roll for Charisma to calm the woman down."

You and the others roll the dice, and you do halfway decently.

angus "The woman is no longer frightened, but she eyes you dubiously."
angus "Are you really? You're not the heroes any of us expected."
angus "But thank you, for even though you are strange folk, you will have done a courageous thing. What are your names?"

gregg "Call me Gregorious, dashing scoundrel of the Woods!"
gregg "My arrows shoot straight and true, like… like an arrow!"
player "Gregorious?"
angus "Oh right. Most of us are playing characters we've been playing for a while."
player "Ah, right."
eddie "I am Yüb, Barbarian of the Northern Mountains!"
britt "You may call me Drearkor, Warlock of the Eastern Wastelands."
player "And, uh, I'm…"

You realize you have no idea what to call yourself. You've never been a part of a proper adventuring party.
Not since you were a kid, anyway.

player "I'm… I'm Grerm, Master of Warriors!"
britt "…What?"
eddie "'Grerm'?"

You blush.

player "I dunno… those were the first words that came to my mind…"
player "It sounds cool, doesn't it?"
britt "Well, sure, but…"
gregg "I think it sounds awesome!"
player "Ok, ok… Gerrard the Barbarian?"
eddie "Ok yeah, that sounds cool."
britt "Sounds humble yet tough."
angus "Whatever you like, [newname]. I take it you haven't played a game like this in a while?"
player "Er, no. Not in years."
angus "Well, it's not that complicated. Ask me anything, if you're confused, and I'll try to catch you up."

Gregg takes another swig of pumpkin ale and passes the bottle to you.

player "Oh, um, thanks Gregg, but… I'm driving my motorcycle home, remember?"
gregg "Huh? Oh right. I forgot."

Eddie licks his lips, as if watching Gregg drink triggered his thirst.

eddie "Do we have anything to drink? This snack mix is kinda dry."
gregg "You want some of my pumpkin ale?"
eddie "Yeah."
angus "Gregg, he's underage. He can't have any."
eddie "Killjoy."
gregg "Yeah, total killjoy."
angus "Besides, would you want him to be caught by his mom with alcohol on his breath?"
eddie "…Dammit."
gregg "Then his mom's a killjoy!"
eddie "Hey! That's my mom you're talking about! You want me to get into trouble?"
gregg "Ugh, fine. More for me, then."
gregg "Unless Britt wants some?"
britt "Uhh, no thanks. I prefer wine."
gregg "Whatever…"
angus "You drink wine?"
britt "Only sometimes!"
angus "Well no matter, because we're not serving anyone under 21."
gregg "I drank my first beer when I was eighteen…"
eddie "Hey, are we gonna talk about booze or are we gonna keep playing?"

Gregg takes another drink.
What's happening here? You've never seen Angus and Gregg argue before.
You'd gotten the impression that they were very happy.

angus "I have some sodas in the fridge."
angus "…Seems like Gregg forgot to bring them out."
gregg "…Alright, alright, sorry I forgot the sodas, ok??"
angus "…It's fine."

You can tell that it isn't fine.
The two of them exchange a look. You have no idea what that look means, but it makes you nervous.
Angus briskly stands up and goes to get the sodas. When he returns, Eddie cracks one open and acts as if nothing happened.

angus "Anyway…"

Angus goes back into character.

angus "Well, you four certainly look like you're ready for action. And yes, to answer your question, my poor child has indeed been kidnapped!"
angus "My poor Rothgan! My son! Wherever can he be?"
britt "My condolences, madam. We wish to search for him and all your children!"
eddie "The villains will suffer for their heinous deed!"
player "Um… where did the last kidnapping occur?"
angus "It was at the old Turnip Farm, nought but a mile from here."
angus "My poor Rothgan was coming home from picking the turnips for the harvest, when I and my husband saw the flickering of torches in the distance, in the direction of the turnip fields."
angus "When we went to investigate, all we found was this note nailed to the scarecrow. It read:"
angus ""This is your last warning. Leave three bags of gold under Founder's Boulder or else.""
gregg "Gadzooks! That's a large sum of money!"
angus "Indeed it is."
britt "Thank you for your help, madam. We shall investigate the Turnip Farm."
player "Yes, our, uh… skills of detection are unmatched."
player "We will find your son, madam. We are very sorry for your loss."
eddie "Where is this field? The sooner we discover their whereabouts the better!"
angus "It's right down the road, to the east. You can't miss it."
angus "Thank you, you will have my son's thanks as well as my gratitude."
angus "Please, help find my son!"

Angus coughs. Seems he can't do the voice any longer.

angus "The woman thanks you profusely, and continues on her way."
player "Ok everyone, we have a lead. We need to get to the turnip farm as soon as possible."
gregg "Agreed! The bandits won't stay hidden much longer!"
gregg "I head east towards the Turnip Farm!"
player "Hey, wait up!"
player "I, uh… hurriedly follow after him."
eddie "Ditto."
gregg "You guys, hurry up!"
angus "As you work your way through the crowd, the houses begin to thin out, and you see farmhouses on the horizon."
gregg "I see it!! Let's go!"
britt "I start huffing as I try to catch up with him."
eddie "Ditto."
angus "There's only a few houses left, and then the street ends at the beginning of the large field."
britt "Gregorious, hadn't you better save that energy for when we must fight the bandits?"
gregg "I thought you were as impatient as me, Drearkor!"
gregg "This dumb plot has just barely started! I want action!!"

Gregg suddenly stands up to strike a dramatic pose, but winds up nearly knocking over his beer.
He barely catches it, and some of the fluid spills onto the table and soaks a corner of the map.

gregg "Oh crap, sorry…"
angus "Gregg, please! Be careful!"
gregg "Ok, ok…"

Gregg tries to wipe off the beer with his leather sleeve. All it does is spread it around.

angus "Use a napkin."
gregg "Ok! Geez!"

Gregg grabs a napkin and cleans up as quickly as possible, and tosses the soggy thing on the ground.

angus "Not on the floor!"
gregg "Ok, damn!"
britt "Guys, calm down. We're here to have fun, remember?"
gregg "Yeah, Angus."
angus "She means both of us. Sorry everyone, I guess I'm not in the best of moods right now."
gregg "You can say that again."
angus "…And you're not helping."
gregg "…Sorry."

This is definitely souring the mood. And making the game drag on longer than it should.
Gregg picks up his trash and tosses it in a wastebasket, and sits back down.

gregg "Let's just set up the ambush."
britt "We should find a spot to be hidden."
angus "Roll for Intelligence to find a good hiding spot, everyone."

Everyone rolls their dice. You all roll high numbers, except for Gregg, who rolls a 2.

gregg "Dammit!"

He takes a big chug of beer, exhaling loudly and spreading the smell across the table.
Eddie wrinkles his nose. Gregg belches.
Everyone tries to pretend nothing happened.

angus "…You all discover a huge boulder near the field."
britt "It's probably Founder's Boulder."
angus "Except for Gregorious, who mostly looks under smaller rocks and misses it entirely."
gregg "…Wha-?"
britt "Look! Surely this will keep us concealed from the bandits' sight!"
gregg "It could. Or they could look there first."
eddie "Umm… why do you say that?"

Gregg doesn't seem to have heard the question.

gregg "Pff. I was lookin' under rocks." *drunken smile*
britt "Worry not, Gregorious, for your arrow will take down many a foe!"
gregg "Yeah, I just point my arrow and shoot it, an' everything will be fine."

Gregg laughs for some reason, a snorting, snickering sound, and polishes off the bottle in one swallow.

gregg "Here's to new foes!"
britt "Huh?"
gregg "To new foes! To new friends! Long live the King!"

Gregg falls silent for a moment.

gregg "The straight, pointy arrow guy needs another drink…"

He stands up awkwardly, causing the chair he's sitting on to make a dreadful screeching sound. He spins around and grabs another bottle of pumpkin ale from a cooler in the kitchen, and returns with it already open.

gregg "Ok, but… what if we're outarmed? Er… outnumbered? Like before?"
angus "…Before?"
gregg "Uhh… nevermind."
eddie "Outarmed? Is that a real word?"
britt "I'm not sure."
britt "Why do you ask, friend?"
gregg "Well, I have my bow an' arrow, and you have your axe…"
player "And I have arrows too."
gregg "Ok, but… all Mr. Wizard here has is her…"

Gregg waves his fingers around, presumably to mime the casting of a spell.

gregg "Oooooh…"
britt "I'm a Warlock, remember?"
gregg "Well… what's the difference anyway? They're both male."
britt "It's… mostly a difference in the style of magic."
britt "I thought you'd remember, we've played these characters before."
gregg "Is it important?"
britt "Not really. I just like the character."
gregg "…Oh."
eddie "I like the finer minutiae of the game as much as the next guy, but…"
angus "Yeah…"
angus "So anyway… you set up camp and wait for the bandits to arrive."
angus "The sun has set, making the area very dark. You can't see very well."
angus "Eventually, you hear heavy footsteps coming towards you."
player "Sounds as though they're coming."
gregg "What now, Mr. Warlock? How can we see them?"
britt "We go in, I illuminate the area with a flame spell, to see who's coming."
angus "Roll for Magic."

Britt rolls her dice, and comes up with a number somewhere in the middle.

angus "Your fireball is only decently sized, so it only creates a light in a seven foot radius around you."
gregg "…Too bad your fireballs aren't bigger, huh?"
britt "…Excuse me?"

Gregg snorts again and takes another large drink. Everyone ignores him.

eddie "Um… keep your eyes open, you never know if that's a bandit coming towards us…"
angus "That's when you notice a large shadowy figure in front of you."
player "AAAAAAAA!"

Eddie seems startled by your shout, but quickly brushes it off.

player "I grab my axe and raise it cautiously!"

Gregg yawns.

britt "I stop in my tracks, and prepare to fire my magic flame, just in case."
eddie "I also raise my axe, ready for battle!"
eddie "Who goes there?"
angus "The figure steps forward, into the light."
angus "It's a huge, hulking wolf, carrying a spiked club. He pats it into his palm menacingly, and he glares at you through his black mask."
eddie "It's a bandit!"
eddie "Get out of our way, child snatcher! Or else face our wrath!"

Angus puts on a low growling voice, unlike his usual softer tones.

angus "So! Were you waiting for me?"
gregg "Ooh, that's your hardcore punk voice!"
angus "Umm… yes."
angus "The giant bandit raises his club and prepares to bring it down upon your heads."
gregg "Pff, we'll take care of this."
gregg "I whip out my bow and arrow and fire!"
angus "Skill check."
gregg "What?"
angus "Roll the dice, Gregg."
gregg "Oh right."

Gregg rolls his dice. He comes up with a 3.

gregg "Crap!"
angus "You miss the bandit entirely. He laughs at you, a big, booming sound."
gregg "What?? That's not fair!"
angus "The wolf tries to smash you with his club."

Britt and Eddie roll their dice. You're not sure why, but you do it as well anyway.
The numbers are good this time.

angus "You're able to dodge the bandit's crushing blow. You duck and dive out of the way, and the club smashes into the boulder instead, knocking off a huge chunk and causing rubble to fly everywhere."
angus "Stay still, puny heroes!"
angus "He lumbers around, trying to swing at you."
britt "He's slow! Keep moving everyone!"
angus "Roll for Agility, everyone!"

The others roll, getting high numbers.
You roll your dice. You come up with a 2.

player "Ouch."
angus "Your agility isn't the best, but it's passable."
angus "You just barely get out of the way of his club, and one of its spikes scrape your head, leaving a small bloody wound. You lose three hitpoints."
britt "Go go go!"
angus "What are you waiting for, weaklings? Attack me!"

You notice Gregg seems to be staring at you, smiling lopsidedly. You try to focus on the game.

britt "I blast him with my fireball!"

She rolls her dice, and it's a mediocre result.

angus "You manage to scorch the wolf's clothes, and he roars in pain, but now everything is shrouded in darkness."
eddie "What are you doing? I can't see! I can't hit the wolf with my axe in the darkness!"

Gregg keeps grinning at you, seeming to forget that he's still playing.

player "Are you gonna help, Gregorious?" you say.
gregg "…Hmm?"
gregg "Oh, you three are doin' fine."

You're starting to feel a bit frustrated.

player "Is this some sort of Rogue thing? Standing back and letting the others do the work?"
gregg "Oh no, it ain't that… Just admiring… your skill, tha's all."

What skill? You've barely contributed to this game at all.
You sigh, and he takes another drink of pumpkin ale.

player "Dreary… er, Drearkor… can you cast another fire spell?"
britt "That'll keep me from attacking. My level isn't high enough to cast two spells at once!"
player "Then just keep firing over and over as quickly as possible!" you say.
britt "Hey, good idea!"

She rolls her dice, but they come up short.

britt "Uh oh… I've rolled a 1. I really should've rolled a 6 or something instead."
angus "Your fireball fizzles out, and it stays dark. The wolf continues swinging, but since he can't see either, he keeps missing. But just barely."
britt "I try it again!"

She rolls again, and this time comes up with a much better number.

angus "You repeatedly shoot fireballs, just managing to illuminate the wolf every other second. He howls in pain as each of them hit."
angus "You keep firing, but now the wolf is too close and he manages to close his vice-like grip around your wrist."
britt "I create another flame and set his hand on fire!"

She rolls, and it's the maximum number.

angus "You set his fist ablaze and he screams bloody murder and releases his grip. He jumps up and down, trying to put out the fire."
eddie "I strike him with my axe while he's distracted!"
player "I, uh… use my axe!"

Both your dice have high numbers.

angus "You both hack into him and gash his hide. Soon, the beast falls over, dead!"
eddie "We did it!"
eddie "Yeah! We're the best warriors in the realm!"

You feel like you accomplished a lot, coming up with the idea to shoot fireballs repeatedly, but you can't but wonder why Gregg didn't contribute anything.
He's still drinking his ale, and smiling at you. It makes you cringe a bit.

gregg "Well, ya may be the best warriors in the realm…
gregg "…But I doubt if any of ya will survive a battle against an entire horde of bandits."
player "Oh, yeah?"

You're confused by his negativity, even though he seems drunk and slightly giddy.

gregg "Who knows where all the other bandits are?"
angus "Gregg, it's okay. I'm not gonna throw anything at you that you can't handle."
gregg "Uh huh."

You suddenly realize you feel a bit peckish, and reach for a handful of snack mix.
The bowl is empty.
You look up and see Eddie's chin covered in crumbs.

eddie "Oh sorry, dude. Did you want some?"
player "No, I'm good…"

You look at the empty bowl and wonder what else there is to eat.

angus "Ok, I'm gonna order some food. What are you guys in the mood for?"
britt "Can we get tacos? I want tacos."
player "Yeah, that sounds pretty good, now that you mention it."
angus "Ok, how about Taco Buck? They're the closest."

(if you went to Taco Buck with Gregg)
player "Gregg took me there the other day. They had a really amazing pizza taco there."
angus "Hmm, I don't think Gregg mentioned it…"
gregg "…Didn't I?"

eddie "Yeah, I'm still hungry. Tacos sounds good to me."
britt "Do they have a veggie option?"
angus "I'm sure they do."

Everyone, including yourself, picks the kind of taco they want. Angus orders them on the phone, and soon enough the campaign resumes.

britt "Let's see where his footprints lead."
angus "You step over the unmoving body of the bandit, following his footprints, and soon find yourself in front of the dark woods."
eddie "This must be where the bandits are hiding!"

Suddenly there's a honking sound coming from a car outside.

angus "That must be the food."

He stands up and heads for the window that goes to the fire escape.

player "What, already?"
angus "Well it is only a couple doors down the street."
player "Oh, cool."
angus "Gimme a minute."

You watch as he climbs out the window and disappears down the fire escape. You hear the faint sound of Angus talking to the delivery guy.
A couple minutes later, and he emerges with a couple greasy paper bags.

angus "I keep telling them that they don't have to drive the car here, but it's apparently some kind of policy…"

He hands you a bag and sits back down.

angus "This is yours, [newname]."
player "Thanks. Smells delicious."

You and the others open the bags, pulling out the paper-wrapped tacos. You opted for a traditional carne asada.
Eddie chows down immediately and chugs his soda.
Gregg shoves his bottle in Angus' face.

gregg "…Ya sure ya don' wan' any, Angy? To wash your food down?"
angus "Angy?"
gregg "…Tha's wha' I'm callin' ya now."
angus "No thank you. I'm trying to run this game properly."
gregg "More like makin' it harder…"
angus "You're just having bad luck, that's all."
gregg "Hmmm…"

You all eat in silence for a few minutes, refraining from playing the game to keep the grease off of everything.

gregg "Y'know, yer lookin' kinda cute under these lights…"
player "…W-what?"

You had stopped paying attention to him.

gregg "Ya look cute with th' Longest Night lights shinin' on ya…"

(if the player chose feminine)
Huh? Isn't he supposed to be gay? Can he not see your feminine looks?

Isn't… isn't he supposed to be in love with Angus?

(accept)
player "Oh, um… thanks. That's nice of you to say."
gregg "And I mean it!"
angus "I… you… how…"
angus "Dammit, Gregg! You're sitting right next to me!"
(reject)
player "Gregg… Angus is right next to you, y'know."
gregg "That's no reason to stop lookin'…"
angus "I… you… how…"
angus "Dammit, Gregg! How is that not a reason??"

gregg "Oh sorry, I guess I can't compliment somebody now!"
angus "That looked like flirting to me!"
gregg "Pff! No way! I just think they're cute!"
angus "…You don't just tell somebody other than your partner that they're cute."
gregg "Why not? I didn't mean anything by it!"
angus "…You just don't."
gregg "…Fine. I'm sorry."

Angus sighs, an extremely heavy one.

angus "…Apology accepted."

You're not so sure if it is. Sounds to you like he's only saying it for the sake of the company.
The others are trying to keep straight faces, but they're obviously very uncomfortable.

angus "Shall we continue the game, then? We are about to go into the woods."