Mail-Order Husbando pt. 1

Dear Samuel,

	Well, here I am! This is my very first letter from the other side of the Portal - I'm writing you even before my family. Already there's just so much I've seen, so much to say, and I absolutely must tell someone! Even if this introduction business goes horribly wrong, this will have been worth it for the bewildering exhilaration of the trip alone!
	Excuse me, Sam, I'm being carried away by my enthusiasm. I will start at the begininng. The trip to Norumbega was as lovely but uneventful as it always is, the dense forests crowding in on the raiload tracks. When I arrived in the city, I was met by the couple who were to be my chaperones on the trip. The Agency had absolutely insisted I be chaperoned until I reached the town where Ms. Lombardi lives. I thought it was really tremendously embarassing, but it's already turned out to be quite necessary. But I'm getting ahead of myself again; excuse me. Anyway, the couple consists of a tall, broad-shouldered man with violently red hair and a bristling mustache, and his even taller and more broad-shoudered monster girl wife. Howard and Akane are their names. I'm afraid I'm not nearly so worldly as you are, Sam, and I did not know what particular variety of monster girl - excuse me, I really should get used to saying 'mamono' - of mamono she is, but when I confidentially enquired of her husband, he told me that she is something called a 'Ushi-oni,' and that a young thing like myself should learn to give them a wide berth, for they're terribly dangerous. Can you tell me if he was pulling my leg? Akane certainly looked quite imposing, but Howard was laughing hugely as he said this. Not that that necessarily means anything, either, since his conversation appears to be composed of one part laughter to each part of ordinary speech. He is the most extraordinarily hearty and good-natured man I have ever met, and I must confess that it grates a bit.
	After we had exchanged pleasantries, we boarded the Portal Express. The inside of that magnificent vehicle is just as extraordinary as the outside. Those intricately-wrought iron wards which encrust the outside of the carriages and give them such an overpoweringly Gothic air are duplicated on the interior, where the dark cherrywood and walnut panelling has more wards carved into it. The close conditions and omnipresent, detailed carvings give one the impression that one is trapped inside an illuminated medieval manuscript. It also made me feel quite inadequate. Akane and Howard both dress very sumptuously, and between their finery and the fantastically expensive furnishings of the car, I must have seemed very poor and inadequate in my plain and threadbare duds. Ms. Lombardi is spending so much money on me, Sam, paying for my ticket through the Portal, and my rooms here, and the fees to the Introduction Agency, and as yet she's only seen my photo and exchanged a few letters with me! It goes to one's head a bit, yes, but it also makes one wonder whether one will ever be worthy of such attentions.
	Something in my face must have alerted my chaperones about the gloominess of my thoughts, because they soon began trying to distract me with chattery conversation. They asked all about me, where I had come from, what my family was like, what had brought me to sign up with the Introduction Agency, and so forth. I answered as well as I could, but I was happy when Howard and Akane took over the conversation with their own reminiscences. Their description of their meeting was quite graphic, and when he saw my rising blush, Howard's laugh crescendoed into a roar. "Darling, have some sympathy for male modesty! We must spare this poor lad's bachelor ears!" he cried to Akane, who joined in with her own somewhat sinister laughter. I asked them that if such were the sort of people that Mamonia sent as chaperones, how debauched must the rest of the country be? Howard slapped me on the back at that point, and said he was glad I had a sense of humor after all. Akane looked more serious. "Don't worry, Adam," she told me, "I might be the worst kind of lech, but so long as you're in my care, I'll protect you."
	Well, let me tell you, this made me more worried rather than less! I had frankly suspected the chaperoning was more to keep me from running off in Mamonia once my ticket had been paid for than anything else, but Akane just seemed so very serious. I thanked her, and the conversation turned to less fraught subjects. Apparently, Howard used to be a foreman at a lumberyard before he'd met Akane. "Now, though, I'm just a bright cardinal stuck in a gilded cage," he said, supressing his laughter long enough to strike a mock-dramatic pose. Akane gave him a quick jab in the gut with one of her spider legs, and when this caused him to throw back his head and start laughing again, she stood up and began to drag him out of the room, saying that she'd show him exactly what being trapped in a cage felt like.
	This left me alone in the compartment, much to my relief. Akane and Howard seemed nice enough, but they're a little overwhelming. I'm sure that's come across in this letter, Sam, but just imagine how much worse it is when you're actually stuck in a small room with them! Once they were gone, I watched the scenery speeding by, the familiar farms and wooded hills of southern Acadia, and realized that, if all went *well* in Mamonia, it might be many years before I ever saw them again. It was a very melancholy thought - and still is, for that matter.
	And I'm afraid I must end things on that note, Sam, as Akane and Howard have just entered the Post Office, and I must be off. I will continue as soon as I am able to. Wish me luck!

--Adam Spencer