DS All Achievements Melee Only Glitchless Speedrun (WIP)

DARK SOULS
MELEE ONLY
ALL ACHIEVEMENTS
GLITCHLESS
:V
(That's a duck btw)
-------------------

NOTES

>>> Level up / Attunement
# Achievement
< Teleport
§ Item tracking
@ To check for changes
> Instructions

Symbols

Q&R





START

> Start Warrior 'cuz it's da best!
> Pick the Master Key (Masters in International Starting Gift Picking required).
- Get naked *blushes*.
- IGNOOOOOORE the Best Shield© :'(
- Pick up the goddamn Longsword™ (Cursed Greatsword of Artorias™, Great Lord Greatsword™ -
	Rare Weapons™).
- Get the shiny, cold and delicious Estus™ Flask.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Estus Flask.
- Kill the ASSylum Demon (heh, Kappa).
- Get your ass to Lordran via Crow Express
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Reach Lordran.


FIRELINK SHRINE > VALLEY OF THE DRAKES > DARKROOT BASIN > UNDEAD PARISH

- Pick up the 3 Humanities by the well (PRO TIP: DO NOT jump down the well).
- Go to Petrus' Emporium of Shady Things and get the Morning Star™ (Smough's Hammer™
	- Rare Weapons), Homebone Wards© and Lloyd's Talismans.
< Homebone ward out.

- Take the New Londo elevator and CRUSH THOSE HUMANITIES! DON'T FORGET TO SEND IT BACK UP.
- Go to the Valley of the Drakes (as Masters are wont to do 'cuz Master Key, gedit :V).
- Pick up the Soul by the gate (so convenient it hurts!).
- Sneaky-peaky-like pick up the Astora's Straight Sword™ (Rare Weapons).
- OH-SHIT-IT-WOKE-UP pick up the Dragon Crest Shield™ (Rare Weapons).
- Roll like you have never rolled before and avoid getting Rekt©.
- Pick up the Soul by the Undead Dragon's hand.
- Consume the Humanity and the 2 Souls you have left while going up the Valley of the Drakes elevator.
- Pick up the Grass Crest Shield™ (+15 Normal™, Crystal Ring Shield™, Greatshield of
	Artorias™ - Rare Weapons™) .
- OH-SHIT-TURN-AROUND-HE'S-COMING (non-chalantly, don't show him fear!)
- Kill the Black Knight, suggested methods include boot to his ass and making it fall
	like a dumbass. The Choice is Yours!©
- Pray for the next 2.78 seconds you get the drop.
	IF DROP DOESN'T HAPPEN: Curse under your breath and restart. Go back to Step 1.
	IF DROP HAPPENS: Yay! Keep reading! (Black Knight Halberd™ acquired).
§ Blue Titanite Chunks: 	1
- Keep going and light the Undead Parish bonfire.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Enkindle.


UNDEAD PARISH > BELL GARGOYLES

>>> LEVEL UP: 21 STR.
	Go Human #nobeefkerky.
- Ignore the Angry Mace Dude© and pick up the Firekeeper Soul.
> Move the Lloyd's Talisman to the top of the list (ultra optimal strats).
> Move the Homebone Wards to the bottom of the list (ultra optimal strats).
- Run to the Bell Gargoyles, summon Sunny McNutcase.
- Rekt© the Gargoyles, try to get the Gargoyle Tail Axe. IMPORTANT: Say "easy every time".
- Ring da bell.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Ring the Bell (Undead Church).
< Homebone ward out.


UNDEAD PARISH > FIRELINK SHRINE > BLIGHTTOWN > QUELAAG'S DOMAIN

>>> LEVEL UP: 22 STR - 18 DEX.
- Run towards the Parish elevator.
> Move the BKH to the top of the list so you don't have to look for the damn thing later.
> Equip BKH and remove it 'cuz mid-roll is bad-roll.
- JUMP, NOW! Woooooooooooh.
- Visit and make LautRekt© fulfill his destiny, attack him so he aggroes and you don't abuse
	him being non-aggressive to push him down, if he falls after it's fair play.
- Talk to Anastacia and get your shiny, cold and delicious Estus Flask to +1.
- Get da shiny ring, QUIT & RELOAD IT'S FINE TO MAKE STUFF APPEAR! (It's in the lore).
- Go down to New Londo and into Blighttown.
- Avoid getting Rekt© by the Barbarians.
- Roll, walk, roll, walk, roll, roll, roll, then run to the chest (IGNORE THE CORPSE!).
- Pick up Remedy™ (Sorceries™).
- Go back through the Death Branch© (OHFORFUCKSSAKEDONTGLITCHANDFALLDONTGLITCHANDFALL side).
- Get into the Blighttown Elevator of Deadly Death©.
@ Pick up the Souls (it's right there! Just pick iiiiiiit!).
- Kill the Stupid Spider© and the Other Stupid Spider.
- Wait for the Naked Lady of the Swamp© to appear and kill her.
- Pick up the 3 Humanities and the Butcher Knife™ (Golem Axe™ - Rare Weapons™).
- Go visit the +17 Rated boss and let her hug your BKH.
- Ring da bell.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Ring the Bell (Quelaag's Domain).
< Homebone ward out.


UNDEAD PARISH > LOWER UNDEAD BURG > UNDEAD BURG > WYVY > LOWER UNDEAD BURG

>>> LEVEL UP: 12 VIT - 18 END.
- Run towards the Undead Parish, past the Balder Knights (PRO TIP: Do not get Rekt©).
- Pick up the Halberd™ (Lifehunt Scythe™ - Rare Weapons™).
- Pick up the Neckbeard Key© (aka Basement Key, gedit :V).
- Run past the Mega Pig towards the rat infested area, use your mighty BKH +2 to get rid
	of the Spear Hollow	blocking the path and get to the Lower Undead Burg.
- Open the door (duh!).
- Slide down the ladder, wooooooooooh.
- Go down then right, right again, up the stairs, then left, up some more, turn 180, up a
	bit more, then face right and open the door towards the Undead Burg.
@- Go and pick up the Rubbish because is not really rubbish (for real, yo).
@- Go back and buy 2 Lloyd's Talismans from the Undead Merchant.
@- Be an ungrateful bastard and kill him (for the Residence Key™), gently pick Yulia™
	(Chaos Blade™ - Rare Weapons™).
- Jump from the bridge into the Black Knight corridor.
- Parry into instability one shot ka-pow, so fancy! (pray for BKS or BKS, erh...
	Ehm... The shield or the sword).
§ Titanite Chunks:			1
- Kill the Crystal Lizard© (Pray for 2 Titanite Chunks).
- Kill the Cow.
- Run towards the bridge, don't get Roasted©.
- Kick the ladder towards the bonfire to reset Wyvy's aggro.
- Go back up, wait like a dumbass because you had the brilliant idea of doing this melee only.
- Cut the tail: Drake Sword™ acquired (Rare Weapons™).
- DO THE WYVERN GLITCH HAHAHAHAHA (it's fine because it doesn't change a thing!)
- Run towards the Black Knight with the Greatsword.
- Rekt© the previously spicified Black Knight (possible Black Knight Greatsword and Black
	Knight Shield drops).
§ Titanite Chunks:			2
- Jump down... What are you waiting for? You'll live. Trust me, I'm an engineer
- Run back to the Undead Burg bonfire.
- Go down back to the Lower Undead Burg.


LOWER UNDEAD BURG > CAPRA > THE DEPTHS

- Kill the 2 spawns from hell, aka doggies.
- Free Where-are-you-Logan-senpai~ Griggs. Just opening the door works.
	IMPORTANT: AVOID OPTIMAL QUICK DOOR OPENING 'cuz glitch; if it happens, it happens tho.
- Run like the wind (this will come up a lot btw), kill the first dog from the second set,
	which is actually the 4th dog but you know what I mean.
- EXPLOIT THOSE SWEET FOG GATE INVINCIBILITY FRAMES (NOTE: Not a glitch).
- Taunt Kappa Demon© to attack, focus the first dog.
- Kill the Goat right next to the fog gate (if you did it right the second dog should never
	aggro).
- Swing towards the fog gate twice while it's still up to kill the reception is waiting for
	you outside.
- Get 3 Healthy Rotten Leaves© (aka Blooming Moss), in case you fuck up like the freaking
	noob you are and get toxic in Blighttown.
- Buy 10-20 Shinies© (aka Prism Stones) for the *shivers* Blue Titanite Slab on the Crystal
	Cave.
- Run towards The Depths©.


THE DEPTHS > UPPER BLIGHTTOWN

- Run past the Beef Jerky© and jump into Butcher-chan and The Strongest Doggy©.
- Dispatch them both and pick the Large Ember™.
- Free Super Bro Laurentius.
- Take the shute down and plunge on Nibbles©, pick up the Humanity.
- Slide down, kill the rat on the way to Gaping Dragon.
- Summon Sunny McNutcase yet again. Rush into the boss room.
- HIT THAT FLOPPY HEAD. IMPORTANT: Get the bloody tail, be fast or Sunny will get Rekt©.
- Go into Upper Blighttown©.


UPPER BLITTOWN > BLIGHTTOWN SWAMP > THE GREAT HOLLOW

- Run past everything and get to the Dancing Bug© but before...
- TURN AROUND! Rekt© that Ghoul and...
- CAREFUL! Dispatch the 2 Bloody Dogs©.
- Now go and kill the Dacing Bug© from the side.
- Pick up the MOST-OP-SHIT-IN-THE-ENTIRE-GAME-OMG-HOW-CAN-IT-BE-SO-BROKEN-AND-UNBALANCED™
	aka OP-SHIT© aka Power Within.
- Keep running down and kill the last Spit Sniper©.
- Pick up The Best Boots© and the Falchion™ (Quelaag's Furysword™ - Rare Weapons™).
- Roll & slide to the swamp, go towards The Great Hollow.
@- Pick up the Green Titanite Shard guarded by 2 Leeches (possible Green Titanite Shard and
	Large Titanite Shard drops).
@§ Green Titanite Shards:	1
- Cure the poison with the Watchamathing© you just got.


THE GREAT HOLLOW > ASH LAKE

- Pick every single freaking thing in there.
§ Titanite Chunks:			4
§ Blue Titanite Chunks:		3
§ Red Titanite Chunks:		2
§ White Titanite Chunks: 	2
- Kill all Crystal Lizards (10).
- Kill all Basilisks until you get AT LEAST 1 Eye of Death (Miracles™).
- Go to Ash Lake.


ASH LAKE

- Run like the wind (yes, again, just... Just do it, damn it, questioning everything for
	fuck's sake).
- Run into the hollow tree and pick Great Magic Barrier™ (Miracles™).
- Wait for 1 Mega Spit Attack© while behind the sand wall. Wait... WAIT, WAIT FOR IT...
- OK, RUN, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
- Keep running (yes, like the wind... Would you just shut up and do as you are told for
	10 freaking minutes!), may need to use SpeedSouls© approved "DA CLAW©" technique to
	look behind while running to avoid the Mega Spit Attack©
- Reach the Everlasting Dragon.
- Trigger the Covenant dialogue.
- BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Covenant: Path of the Dragon.
- Be an ungrateful bastard and cut its tail (Rare Weapons™).
< Homebone ward out.


UNDEAD PARISH > FIRELINK SHRINE > UNDEAD ASYLUM

>>> LEVEL UP: 10 ATT.
	Attune OP-SHIT©.
- Go visit Andre, Official "Lordran's Chillest Blacksmith©" and get your BKH +5
	Effective OP Status Achieved (NOTE: Not a real Achievement).
- Go to Firelink Shrine.
- Talk to Bowl Cut once and get the Oh-Boy-So-Generous Copper Coin.
- Get your Hot Hand© (aka Pyromancy Flame) from Laurentius.
- Buy Bad Barbeque© (aka Iron Flesh) and You-Really-Need-To-Shower© (aka Flash Sweat).
- Talk to Bowl Cut again and get Homebone Ward™ (Miracles™).
- Trigger the Way of Too Much Bleach Covenant dialogue.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Covenant: Way of White.
- Equip the Hot Hand©.
- Get the Undead Asylum F2 Key (the one on the corpse on the roof).
- Travel to the Asylum.
- Run past the pests without getting Roasted© or Rekt©.
- Take the right corridor and kill the Black Knight (possible BKS or BKS drops, yes, shield
	or sword, we went through this already! - Rare Weapons™).
§ Red Titanite Chunks:		3
- Kill Oscar, official Dark Souls© Best NPC Ever.
	Reference:	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaY6VE-LfFU
				https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5TT8UAEg8Q
- Pick up the Tetanus Ring© (aka Rusted Iron Ring).
- Take the Crest Shield™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Kill the ASStray Demon (heh, so clever). DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP THE SLAB!
- Kill the Black Knight (possible BKS or BKS drops - Rare Weapons™).
§ Red Titanite Chunks:		4
- Pick up the Peculiar Doll.
- Homebone ward out.


UNDEAD PARISH > SEN'S FORTRESS > ANOR LONDO

- Pick up the Soul of a Brave Warrior at the right side of the two Man-Serpents.
- Pick up the 2 Large Titanite Shards on the chest after the second bridge
	(PRO TIP: Don't get Rekt© by the bolt trap).
§ Large Titanite Shards: 	2
- Use the Lazy Man-Serpent to break the wall.
- Rescue Crappy Gandalf and talk to him once.
- Pick up the Soul of a Hero.
- Check on Siggy and talk to him TWICE.
- Go to the Mimic and get the Lightning Spear™ (Lightning™. Moonlight Butterfly Horn™,
	Dragonslayer Spear™ - Rare Weapons™) and the Spoopy Helmet© (aka Symbol of Avarice).
- Pick up the STGMS©, Shiny To Get More Shinies (aka Gold Covetous Serpent Ring).
- Move the Stupid Lever© at least once.
- Pick up the 2 Large Titanite Shards behind the Man-Serpent Warrior after the third bridge.
§ Large Titanite Shards:	4
- Punch the stupid Man-Serpent Caster in its freaking face!
- Pick up the Large Soul of a Brave Warrior.
- Pick up the Soul and 2 Large Titanite Shards on the roof.
§ Large Titanite Shards: 	6
- Kill the asshole Giant that throws bombs.
§ Titanite Chunks:			5
- Kill Weak Ankles. From now on use the Spoopy Helmet© after killing bosses to get extra
	souls.
- Touch the shiny circle, uuuuoooooooh!
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Reach Anor Londo.


ANOR LONDO > PAINTED WORLD

- Sit at the bonfire.
- Be a murderous bastard and kill the Firekeeper BibleThump7.
- Consume Weak Ankle's Soul (don't slurp, it's rude).
- Head into the rafters (PRO TIP: DON'T FALL).
- Break the chandelier chain.
- Send the spiral elevator down twice.
- Pick up Strong Magic Sorcery™ (Sorceries™).
- Pick up the Black Iron Shield™ (Rare Weapons™) and the Greatsword™ ()
- Touch the painting! Touch it! TOOOOOOOUCH IIIIIIIT!


PAINTED WORLD

- Mark da bonfire.
- Jump into the yard.
- Open the goddamn slow door.
- Get Acid Surge™ (Pyromancies™).
- Trigger the Bee Master© invasion.
- Equip the Spoopy Helmet©, backstab his ass, get the Soft Humanity.
- Go down to visit the Nicest Enemies in the Game©.
- Activate the exit door, pick up the Soul of a Brave Warrior.
- Pick up the Annex Key.
- Kill the poor crying guy (you monster) and get Fire Surge™ (Pyromancies™).
- Pick up the Brave of a Soul Warrior next to the stairs leading to the fog gate.
- Get into the Annex, pick up Velka's Rapier™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Kill the 4 Harpies (Pray for some Ears™ - Miracles™).
- Jump towards the bridge, pick up the Bloodshield™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Homebone ward out.

> Level up: 12 ATT, 27 STR, 18 FTH.
> Attune Homebone.
> Equip Hot Hand© and Shitty Rag© on the secondary slots.
>>> LET THE FARMING BEGIN! (6 Earvenirs of Suprisal™ - Miracles™).
& Earvenirs of Suprisal:	7 (at least).
- Kill the same 4 Harpies as before (Seriously, pray for some Ears™ - Miracles™).
- Get into the broken tower and kill the 3 remaining Harpies (Pray harder, goddamn it!).
- Go visit Priscilla (you monster).
- Get the fluffly (not really tho, looks spiky as hell) tail.
- Rekt© her face. Avoid the Disney Princess attack.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Defeat Crossbreed Priscilla.
- Jump!


ANOR LONDO > MAIN ANOR LONDO

- Get to the Darkmoon Tomb bonfire.
- Light it.
- Look at it.
- Keep looking at it.
- OK, you can sit down.
- I said sit down.
- Sigh, OK, I have all the time in the world...
- ...
- Happy now?
- Run towards the Uhhh-So-Scary-Archers and let the right one say hello to your BKH...
	WITH HIS FACE!
- Get into Main Anor Londo.


MAIN ANOR LONDO

- From now on you'll be killing Silver Knights... A few of them... ALL OF 'EM!
- Pick up the Sunlight Medals™ (Rare Weapons™ - Miracles™).
- Go down and get the Ugly Armor© (for poise stacking scrubness), Ugly Weapon™ and
	Ugly Shield™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Get the Occult Club™ (Divine™ - Occult™).
- Pick up the Soul of a Hero.
- Talk to Siggy and save his useless ass. Get the Shittiest Ring© (to complete that part of
	his silly adventures).
- Finish all the Silver Knights, open the shortcut
- Homebone ward out.
>>> LET THE FARMING BEGIN! (Shiny Knights stuff: Sword, Spear and Shield).
- Go pick up the Spear Launcher© and da Chunk.
§ Titanite Chunks: 			6
- Talk to the Giant Blacksmith and buy enough to have 15 Green Titanite Shards.
	IMPORTANT: IF YOU GOT A RED TITANITE CHUNK FROM THE GREAT HOLLOW YOU ONLY NEED TO
	GET 5 GREEN TITANITE SHARDS (don't buy any if you have more than that, what do you
	mean why? Just follow the goddamn notes).
§ Green Titanite Shards:	5 or 15
- Also buy enough to have 19 Large Titanite Shards.
§ Large Titanite Shards:	19
- Run back into the main building, Rekt© the Giant Sentinels (good Chunk drop rate).
- Kill The Shoveling Bastard© first and The Supercharged Bloody Rat© second (after mostly
	fruitless investigation it was deemed this was the best route).	Say "easy every time".
- Talk to the Smiling Fake Lady©, get the Salad Bowl©.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Lordvessel.
- Trigger the Covenant dialogue.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Covenant: Princess's Guard.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to the Undead Parish.


UNDEAD PARISH > DARKROOT GARDEN

- Buy the Jesus-Christ-So-Expensive-Seal© from Andre.
- Jump down to the Frog area, kill the 2 Ninja Turles© and get the Doge Ring©.
- Open the door with the Jesus-Christ-So-Expensive-Seal©.
- Roll through the Badly Made Wall©
- Mark the bonfire.
> LET THE FARMING BEGIN! (Ninja Turtle Shield™ - Rare Weapons™).
- Kill the Pretty Bug™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Homebone ward out.


DARKROOT FOREST

- Talk to Kitty Kat© and trigger the Covenant dialogue.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Covenant: Forest Hunter.
@ IMPORTANT: If the Ninja Turtle Sword™ did not drop before the shield then join the
	Kitty Warriors and talk to Shibe The Deceased© once.
- Pick up the Bee Ring©.
- Kill the Mangy Mutt©.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Art of Abysswalking.
- Homebone ward out.


DARKROOT FOREST > DARKROOT BASIN

- Run through Darkroot forest and take the ladder towards the Water SSSSSSSnake©.
	Kill it with extreme prejudice!
- Quit & Reload (IS NOT A GLITCH WHEN IT'S TO MAKE SHIT APPEAR, I SWEAR!)
- Kill the Pimp Shiny Golem©. Talk to the weirdo that was inside.
- Summon the Weirdo©. Buy all her silly Sorceries (Sorceries™).
- Kill the Shiny Golems© for possible Blue Titanite Chunks.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to Firelink Shrine.


FIRELINK SHRINE > NEW LONDO

- Get your Fart Force™ (aka Emite Force™ - Miracles™) from Siggy.
- Talk to Super Bro Laurentius and buy
- Go down to New Londo, run past E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
- Use the Melee Only Miltrivd Seal of Approval© path to get to InGGGGGGGGward (2nd to 7th G
	are silent :V).
- Pick up the Rare Ring of Sacrifice (to avoid losing Humanity and Souls after the first
	encounter with Seath).
- Let the lonely old man talk his piece and get the Seal Key.
- Buy Resist Curse™ (Sorceries™).
- Activate the Seal.
- Roll down (80% fall damage).
- Kill the first 2 Darkwraith (possible Titanite Chunk and Titanite Slab drops).
- Get the Very Large Ember.
- Move to the second section of Lower New Londo.
- Get the Titanite Chunk behind the illusory wall.
§ Titanite Chunks:			7
- Fight and thoroughly Rekt© the Four Pale Dudes©.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Defeat the Four Kings.
- Mark the bonfire.
- Talk to The Evil Sock Puppet©.
- Mash X exactly 24 times (or around 20 then be REALLY REALLY REALLY careful).
- DO NOT PRESS "NO" OMG DON'T PRESS NO, YOU DID NOT PRESS NO, RIGHT?! RIGHT?! OK, phew.
- Get eaten and munched.
- Clean of the drool.
- Set the Salad Bowl©.
< Warp to the Abyss.
- Talk to The Evil Sock Puppet© yet again.
- Join the Skeletor Covenant.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Covenant: Dark Wraith.
- Get the Frisky Kiss™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Warp to Firelink Shrine.


FIRELINK SHRINE > BLIGHTTOWN > DEMON'S RUINS

- Go down to Blighttown.
- Perform the SpeedSouls© approved Blighttown Drop©.
- Talk to The Worst Bouncer© and resist the urges to Rekt© him.
- Light and sit at the Daughter of Chaos bonfire.


DEMON'S RUINS > QUELAAG'S DOMAIN > DEMON'S RUINS

> Level up: 25 VIT, 11 INT.
> Attune You-Really-Need-To-Shower© (aka Flash Sweat), replaces Homebone Ward©.
- Let an Egg Carrier to get fresh with you, only once tho *blushes*.
- Pick up the Premium Hobo Robes© (aka Gold Hemmed Set).
- Kill Cheeseless©.
- Homebone ward out.
- Join the Chaos Covenant.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Covenant: Chaos Servant.
- Acquire Chaos Great Fireball™ (Pyromancies™).
- ENGAGE ON HAIR RAISING HUMANITY OFFERING ACTION!
- Acquire Chaos Fire Storm™ (Pyromancies™).
- Talk to Eingy (WHICH SHOULD BE ALIVE, RIGHT?).
- Buy Toxic Mist™ (Pyromancies™).
- Talk to him when you are talking to him, yo dawg! (Second Hot Hand©, Red Titanite Chunk).
- Upgrade your Hot Hand© to +10
- Homebone ward out.


DEMON'S RUINS > LOST IZALITH

- Kill the cows, just to avoid getting Rekt© while picking the Ember.
- Equip the Premium Hobo Robes© and cast You-Really-Need-To-Shower©.
- Roll and pick the Chaos Ember™ (Chaos™).
- Get revenge on Kappa Demon.
- Kill the Spiky Dude© and get the Soft Humanity.
- Kill the Worm and mark the bonfire.
- Pick up the 2 Green Titanite Shard.
§ Green Titanite Shards:	7 or 17
- Get the Large Fire Ember and Homebone Ward.
- Kill the Hot Ass Demon©, pick up the Demon Catalyst.
- Go back and run to the Chaos Covenant shortcut.
- Get the Sunlight Maggot.
- Kill the Crystal Lizard.
- Hit the Jumpy Bastard© on the tail, keep running.
- Get into the poison area, pick up the Red Titanite Slab, Red Titanite Chunk and 2 Green
	Titanite Shards.
§ Red Titanite Slabs:		1
§ Red Titanite Chunks:		6
§ Green Titanite Shards:	9 or 19
- Kill the Creepy Funnels© for Red Titanite Slab and Red Titanite Chunk drops.
- Go up, kill the Hobo Lady© (Izalith Catalyst™ - Rare Weapons™) and the Spiky Dude© for Souls.
- Kill the last Creepy Funnel© and pick up the Chaos Whip™ (Pyromancies™).
- Go to kill the Creepy Bug© and avoid getting Rekt©.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Defeat Bed of Chaos.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to Firelink Shrine.


FIRELINK SHRINE > CATACOMBS > TOMB OF GIANTS

> Level up: 23 END.
- Run to the Catacombs via looooong way.
- Use the switch to make the silly necrodancer fall.
- Go an use the switch where Patches should be, even tho he isn't... Just in case you didn't
	know :V.
@ IF you didn't get a single Eye of Death in the Great Hollow then mark the bonfire.
@ Go to pick the 3 Eyes of Death behind the Titanite Demon.
@ Homebone ward back.
@§ Eyes of Death:		3
- Run (like the wind) and get the Darkmoon Seance Ring. Keep running.
- Kill the necrodancer. Go up, up, up...
- Pick the Tranquil Walk of Peace™ (Miracles™).
- Go back to the ladder and jump down (Skeleton status: OUTPLAYED).
- Get to Vamos via third switch shortcut.
- Kill the necrodancer or you'll have a skelly party at Vamos... And you'll be the main
	attraction.
- Jump down and grab the Green Titanite Shard.
§ Green Titanite Shards:		10 or 20.
> IF ONLY 7 Red Titanite Chunks at this point:
	> Buy enough to have 18 Titanite Shards
	> Black Iron Greatshield +5	> +5 Fire	> +6 Fire
	> Greatsword +5				> +5 Fire	> Chaos
> IF 8 Red Titanite Chunks or more:
	> Buy enough to have 9 Titanite Shards.
	> Upgrade the Greatsword to +5 > +5 Fire > +10 Fire
- Run outside (don't worry, there's no Sun down there. Shhh... You'll be fiiiiine).
- Avoid the 2 Nicest Enemies in the Game© that'll come say hi.
- Kill The Hardest Boss© and avoid checking the mask drop (it saves time, trust me).
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Rite of Kindling.


TOMB OF GIANTS

- Equip Solaire's Lantern©.
- Find the ledge to drop down after the first bridge. OK, stop there, now to the left, there.
- Jump down and dispatch the 2 Giant Skeletons, climb the ladder and pick the 3 Eyes of Death™.
	(Miracles™).
& Eyes of Death:			3 (or 6)
- Run towards the giant coffin, kill the Giant Skeletons that WILL be chasing you.
- Cast OP-SHIT©.
- Show the Skeletons who's boss.
- Pick the Large White Ember™ (Divine™).
- Equip STMS© on the ladder.
- Go mark the Tomb of Giants bonfire, kindle it.
- IGNORE Patches, your mom was right, he's not worthy of you.
- Jump and trigger the ultra-duper-HD-cinematic (it's faster :V).
- Rekt© the 2 Clerics (RIP Blondie & Mmmmhm).
- Pick up the White Titanite Chunk up in the ledge.
§ White Titanite Chunks:	3
- Kill the 4 Skinny Towers© (possible White Titanite Chunks drop).
- Talk to the Uptight Gurl© and get Replenishment™ (Miracles™).
- Homebone ward out.

- IGNORE Patches again. He deserves it, he knows what he did.
- Running attack on Spoopy Doge©.
- After the fog gate drop to the left and roll towards the wall right away.
- OH-SHIT-SURPRISE-BLACK-KNIGHT! (Remember, don't show him fear!). Kill his ass.
§ White Titanite Chunks:	4
- Pick up the Effigy Shield™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Run back, get the STGMM©, Shiny To Get More Monies (aka Covetous Silver Serpent Ring).
> FROM NOW ON EQUIP THE RING AFTER EACH BOSS KILL.
- Kill the 5 Skinny Towers© (possible White Titanite Chunks drop).
- Turn around and drop, pick the White Titanite Chunk.
§ White Titanite Chunks:	5
- Keep going and Rekt© the Crystal Lizard (possible White Titanite Chunks drop).
- Equip the Spoopy Helmet© and STGMM© to kill The Chicken Dude© for extra souls.
	(Grant™, Sanctus™ - Rare Weapons™).
- Kill the next 2 Skinny Towers© (possible White Titanite Chunks drop).
- Running attack on the Pinwheel in front of the path to the White Titanite Slab.
- Get the White Titanite Slab.
§ White Titanite Slabs:		1
- Plunging attack on the Pinwheel below.
- Go left, pick up the White Titanite Chunk.
§ White Titanite Chunks:	6
- Go fight the Ravelord. Either Full Havels or grow some balls, The Choice Is Yours!©
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Defeat Gravelord Nito.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to Undead Parish.


UNDEAD PARISH

- Go to Rhea and buy all her Miracles™ but Homebone Ward© (Miracles™); 34500 Souls.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to the Darkmoon Tomb.


DARKMOON TOMB

- Equip the Darkmoon Seance Ring and fight Gwyndolin.
- Show him how casul sorceries are :V.
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Defeat Dark Sun Gwyndolin.
- Pick up Sunlight Blade™ (Miracles™).
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to Anor Londo.


ANOR LONDO > DUKE'S ARCHIVES

- Kill the 2 Sentinels (possible Giant's Halberd drop, you fucking cheap bastard).
- Get the Crystal Halberd™ (Crystal™).
- On the elevator to Seath cast MOST-OP-SHIT-IN-THE-ENTIRE-GAME-OMG-HOW-CAN-IT-BE-SO-BROKEN
	-AND-UNBALANCED™.
- DONT'T FORGET TO SEND THE ELEVATOR DOWN.
- Equip the Rare Ring of Sacrifice while crossing the fog gate. Don't want to lose all those
	Souls, don't cha?
- Get Rekt© by Hacking Seath, infinite HP scrub.
- Kill the Weakest Enemy in the Game and get the key to get the hell out of jail.
- Kill the Hentai Ladies© for possible Humanity.
- Kill the Crying Hentai Ladies© for their drops (Bountiful Sunlight™, Soothing Sunlight™ -
	Miracles™).
- Get the key of the Prison.
- Homebone ward out.

- Run towards the Archives, kill the first Channeler (possible Channeler's Trident™ drop).
- Run towards the front section, dodge that arrow! Phew, close!
- Go up the moving stairs, activate it, enjoy the view for 3.14 seconds, run past that
	damn archer, kill it if the bastard is blocking the way.
- Run towards the second section, kill the bloody archer on the way.
- Jump down to the moving stars, run up, kill the Channeler, noooooooo, don't let it run
	away, OMG YOU SUCK, this is a speedrun you know? How can you screw all my hard work!
- Pick up the Strong Magic Shield™ (Sorceries™).
- Turn the moving stairs, go down the ladder weeeeeeeeee!
- Open the SUPR-SEECRIT-BUKSHULF-SHORTCUT.
- Mark the bonfire.
>>> LET THE FARMING BEGIN! (Channeler's Trident).
< Homebone ward out.
- Activate the stairs to the Crystal Garden.
- Ultra optimal time optimizatedly kill the Mimic and get the Enchanted Falchion™
	(Enchanted™ - Magic™).
- Get into the Crystal Garden (which has not much crystal and it's a pretty shitty garden,
	if you ask me :V).

DUKE'S ARCHIVES > CRYSTAL CAVES

- Pick up the Blue Titanite Chunk
§ Blue Titanite Chunks:		4
- Kill the 2 Shiny Golems© that want you dead (possible Blue Titanite Chunk drop).
- Kill the 4 Shiny Golems© you'll aggro along the way.
- Take the shortcut down up to the first invisible beam.
- Run past the Ultra Shiny Golem™.
- Kill the 3 Shiny Lizards (possible Blue Titanite Chunks).
- BREATH IN.
- HOLD IT.
- RUN.
- SHINY.
- TURN RIGHT 90º.
- RUN.
- SHINY.
- TURN LEFT 90º.
- RUN.
- Grab the Blue Titanite Slab (Enchanted™ - Magic™).
- BREATH OUT.
- TURN AROUND.
- BREATH IN.
- WALK UP... STOP!
- FOR THE SHINY! NOW THE OTHER ONE!
- WE ARE OUT! Woooooooo!
- Run to Seath, clamless% (you can breathe normally now btw).
- Get behind the crystal, wait for it... waaaaaaait...
- When he starts the attacking animation run (like da wiiiiind) towards the tail and get your
	100% Dragon Ham©.
- Let Seath rest... IN PEACE! HA!
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Defeat Seath the Scaleless.
- Homebone ward out.


DUKE'S ARCHIVES

- Go towards Crappy Gandalf.
- Buy all his Casul Crap (aka Sorceries™ - 183K Souls).
- Talk to the crazy bastard.
- Get the Blue Titanite Chunk in the chest (you thought I forgot about it, huh? HUH?!)
§ Blue Titanite Chunks:		5
- Run towards Whitey's Room (this is why you sent the elevator down before, isn't nice not
	to get sandwiched by the spiky hollows? :V)
- What the fuck, Gandalf?
- Kill Flasher Gandalf, get his Spiky Stick© aka Tin Crystalization Catalyst™ (Tin Darkmoon
	Catalyst™ - Rare Weapons™) and Pale Lizard Alitosis aka White Dragon Breath™ (Sorceries™).
- Pick the Large Magic Ember.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to Undead Parish.


UNDEAD PARISH > UNDEAD ASYLUM > UNDEAD PARISH

- Mark the bonfire.
- Run towards the altar and pick Miyazaki's Troll© (aka Pendant) and the 7 Humanities.
- Get to the Undead Asylum.
- Get rid of the pests.
- WTF-VOICES-I-FINALLY-LOST-IT.
- Trade:
	- Rubbish 			> 	Chunk
	- Pendant			>	Earvenir of Suprisal™
	- Pyromancy Flame	>	Red Titanite Chunk
§ Red Titanite Chunks:		7
§ Titanite Chunks:			8
§ Earvenirs of Suprisal:	7 (at least)
- Homebone ward out.

- Go visit Andre, Official "Lordran's Chillest Blacksmith©", give him both Embers.
- Buy enough to have ALL THE TITANITE SHARDS, that's 99 (yes, that counts as ALL).
- Get your 9 selected weapons to +6 (Check the WEAPONS annex).
- Get the Gargoyle Tail Axe or buy a random weapon to make it RAWR.
- Get the Grass Crest Shield to +15 (so shiny!).
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Strongest Weapon.
@ IF you have 8 White Titanite Chunks get the Occult Club to +5.
@# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Divine Weapon.
- Downgrade the Occult Club to Divine Club +5.
- Get the Divine Club +5 to +6.
< Warp to Firelink Shrine


UNDEAD PARISH > FIRELINK SHRINE > NEW

- Mark the bonfire.
- Talk to Where-are-you-Logan-senpai~ Griggs and buy Fall Control™ and Aural Decoy™
	(Sorceries™).
- Now your "hand slips" (twice) and you "accidentally" kill him (don't worry, there's no one
	nearby to see a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g). Pick up Hush™ (Sorceries™).
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Wisdom of a Sage.
- Run down to New Londo and talk to Rickert (Who is that one? You know, the dude... That's...
	Erh, down there, somewhere... Look around for a bit).
@ IF you have 8 Blue Titanite Chunks make the Enchanted Falchion™ +5.
- Downgrade the Enchanted Falchion to Magic Falchion +5.
- Get out of the Menu and talk to Rickert again to give him the Large Magic Ember.
- Get the Magic Falchion +5 to +6.
- Homebone ward out.



- Talk to Patches, buy the 3 Eyes of Death™ (Miracles™) and the Minmaxer's Mark of Shame
	(SHAME HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOUR FAMILY BUT IT'S ALL FOR THE SAKE OF SPEED, LET Yours
	WEEP - It's the Mask of the Child btw).
§ Eyes of Death:		6 (or 9).
- OMG, YOU ARE SOOOOOO CLUMSY! You hand "slips" again "twice". Pick up the Crescent Axe™
	(Rare Weapons™) and the Humanities.
- Homebone ward out.


- Warp to the Undead Parish.


UNDEAD PARISH




UNDEAD PARISH > UNDEAD ASYLUM > FIRELINK SHRINE > FIRENLINK ALTAR



- Jump down the hole... No, NO BUTS! JUMP!
- Weeeeeeeeeee... See, I told you it was fine :V.
- Offer your hard earned Lord Souls to the altar.


FIRELINK ALTAR > KILN OF THE FIRST FLAME

> Level up: 28 STR.
>>> LET THE FARMING BEGING (Black Knight Stuff - Rare Weapons™).
- Kill Gwyn to Win :V:V:V:V:V:V
- Get the Dark Lord Ending 'cuz why the hell not, I guess, I don't know really, whateverrrr...


UNDEAD ASYLUM > FIRELINK SHRINE > VALLEY OF THE DRAKES > UNDEAD PARISH

- Work's not done yet, lad. Get moving!
- Kill the ASSylum Demon on the first encounter.
- Talk to Oscar and get da keys.
- Get your ass to Lordran via Crow Express.
- IGNORE the bonfire, run down and take the elevator to New Londo.
- DON'T FORGET TO SEND THE ELEVATOR BACK UP.
- Just run and don't mind the enemies, lalalalalala.
- Kill the Black Knight for a Blue Titanite Chunk.
§ Blue Titanite Chunks:		6
- Kill the Crystal Lizard (possible Titanite Chunks drop).
- Mark the Undead Parish bonfire.


UNDEAD PARISH > BELL GARGOYLES

> Level up: 25 FTH (Miracles™).
- Go Human #nobeefjerky.
- Pick up the Fluffly Soul©.
- Get to the fog gate without getting Rekt©.
- Summon Sunny McNutcase.
- Rekt© the Gargoyles, try to get the Gargoyle Tail Axe (BKH helps a lot because it HITS THE
	BLOODY WING EVERY TIME, GAWD!). IMPORTANT: Say "easy every time".
- Homebone ward out.


UNDEAD PARISH > FIRELINK SHRINE > BLIGHTTOWN > QUELAAG'S DOMAIN

- Run towards the Parish elevator.
- JUMP, NOW! Woooooooooooh.
- Talk to Anastacia and get your shiny, cold and delicious Estus Flask to +2.
- IMPORTANT: Do not Rekt© LautRekt© - He will have an "accident" in Anor Londo.
- Go down to New Londo and into Blighttown.
- Perform the SpeedSouls© approved Blighttown Drop©.
- Pick up the shiny, pickupdashiiiiny!
§ Large Titanite Shards:	 1
- Talk to the Fancy Hobo Lady.
- Buy ALL her Pyromancies™ (84300 Souls).
- The poison and humidity makes your hands sweat, the Halberd slips from your hands and
	violently falls on her head, what a shame! She's no aggressive... FINISH HER!
- Get the Fire Tempest™ (Pyromancies™).
# BAM! ACHIEVEMENT™ UNLOCKED, BABY! - Bond of a Pyromancer.
- Go visit the +17 Rated boss and let her hug your BKH.
- Ring da bell.
- Homebone ward out.


UNDEAD PARISH > SEN'S FORTRESS

- Don't pick a damn thing. So, erh... Go through it, I guess?
= IF missing Titanite Chunks kill the Giant before the Weak Ankles©.
- Kill Weak Ankles©.
- TOUCH DA SHINY!


ANOR LONDO > DARKMOON TOMB

- Mark da bonfaia.
- After an arduous fight against Iron Golem, your body is tired and languish, when talking
	to the Firekeeper, exhausted, you "accidentally" let the FULL WEIGHT of the BKH fall on
	her face. Shit happens©.
- DO NOT CONSUME WEAK ANKLE'S SOUL.
- Go through the rafters without getting Rekt©.
- Send the elevator down twice and go to the Darkmoon Tomb.
- Mark the bonfire.
- Equip the Darkmoon Seance Ring and fight Gwyndolin.
- Homebone ward out.


DARKMOON TOMB > MAIN ANOR LONDO

> Level up: 32 STR, 29 END, ALL THE FREAKING VITALITY YOU CAN GET.
- Run (like the wind), activate the elevator and run in a counter-clock,
	outwards direction.
- Enable "Can't Touch This" mode and run past everything.
- Get rid of the Spear Launcher©.
- Pick the 3 Sunlight Medals.
- Jump from the double helix stairs (IS NOT A SEQUENCE BREAK BECAUSE... BECAUSE... ERH...
	THE BLOODY DOORS ARE NOT LOCKED, Yeah... That!).
@ Invade LautRekt© and made him fulfill his destiny (Giving you an 	Earnevir of Suprisal,
	that's his destiny... It means you are gonna kill him, in case you didn't get it :V).
- Kill The Bloody Rat© first and The Supercharged Shoveling Bastard© second (to get the soul
	you are missing, if you do screw this up prepare to fight them again in NG+2, don't say
	I didn't warn you!).
- Talk to the Smiling Fake Lady©, get the Salad Bowl©.
- Homebone ward out.
- Warp to Undead PARISH


UNDEAD PARISH > DARKROOT

- Buy the Jesus-Christ-So-Expensive-Seal© from Andre, Official "Lordran's Chillest
	Blacksmith©".
- Open the door with the Jesus-Christ-So-Expensive-Seal©.
- Roll through the Badly Made Wall© and light the bonfire.
- Summon Aunty Beatrice, kill the Ninja Turtle near the door.
- Dishonorable dismissal to Aunty Beatrice when the Pretty Bug© goes down to the bridge.
- Kill the Pretty Bug™ (Rare Weapons™).
- Homebone ward out.

- Run towards the Mangy Mutt©.
- SIT!
- Homebone Ward out.
- Warp to Firelink Shrine.


FIRELINK SHRINE > NEW LONDO > THE ABYSS

- Go down to New Londo, run past E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
- Use the Melee Only Miltrivd Seal of Approval© path to get to InGGGGGGGGward (2nd to 7th G
	are silent :V).
- Pick up the Rare Ring of Sacrifice (to avoid losing Humanity and Souls after the first
	encounter with Seath).
- Let the lonely old man talk his piece and get the Seal Key.
- Equip the Covenant of Artorias ring.
- Activate the Seal.
- Go back to the Ghost area, drop down.
- Fog gate while Spooky Ghost tries ot catch you but "can't touch this" anyway :V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G
- Four Kings actually Four Kings fight :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
- MARK THE BONFIRE.
- Talk to the Sock Puppet©.
- Mash X exactly 24 times (or around 20 then be REALLY REALLY REALLY careful).
- DO NOT PRESS NO OMG DON'T PRESS NO, YOU DID NOT PRESS NO, RIGHT?! RIGHT?! OK, phew.
- Get eaten and munched.
- Clean of the drool.
- Set the Salad Bowl©.
-