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I find my cosmic insignificance reassuring the stars don’t fucking care who I am or what I do,
I owe the universe nothing,
I exist on my own terms,
Hashtag the galaxy don’t care that you messed up the thing that one time,
Hashtag when existentialism becomes comforting rather than horrifying,

Where can I uninstall my period,
I think if you download pregnancy it blocks it for a few months but they you get a really annoying loud pop up that doesn’t go away for 18 years,
O m g,

People born in the nineties,
Thirties here it comes,
I realize this is about turning 30 but my brains keeping saying it’s about the dust bowl happening again but in the 20 thirties,

Please remember,
1, these are kids,
2, this is a game,
3, coaches are volunteers,
4, umpires are human,
5, you do not play professional baseball,
In memory of bob Wilson,
Lovely sentiment but the way it’s worded sound like this dude got fucking killed during a little league game,

Due to personal reasons I’m suing the entire human race,

He looks like he’s just seen the love of his life and nothing else matters anymore,
What was he even looking at,
Probably tea,

Treat spiders the way you want to be treated,
Killed without hesitation,
Why would I inflate a spider,
I will beat you with a fucking rock,

The purpose of writing a text is to get a reply within minutes, if I wanted to wait I would just write a fucking letter,
Me when someone doesn’t respond to my texts instantly,
Hahahahaha choking,

Arrested,
Crystal metheny,
My drag persona,
Welcome to the stage,
So, um, this sounded fake, I google it and she’s a real person, in florida, and, rather amazingly, her arrest was not drug related,
No, she shot a freakin missile into a vehicle,
Florida,
Florida man’s wife,

When you see that thing you want,
Desire,
When you see the price tag,
Simple bodily pain,

I just learned that mosquitoes pee on you after sucking your blood what if vampires did the same thing,
Do you take constructive criticism,
What part of my implication that there might be vampires into pissplay require criticism,

Nasa sports mysterious heart shaped craters on the surface of mars,
From mars with love,

Men trying to sound not horny by hating women is so funny, whenever I hear the word thot or e girl it sounds like an twelfth century man saying temptress,

God all American kids cartoons really do have that one outstandingly scary  episode no matter what do you guys fucking remember this,
Repressed it until now thanks,

Anybody else here not good at anything,

Come see my cat,
Don’t go in,
But I want to see the cat,

You’ve heard of grand theft auto, now get ready form
Stealy wheely automobile,

Are you open,
Read the sign,
I’ll have a krabby patty deluxe and a double chili kelp fries,
The most accurate picture of the retail industry,

Parents, your room is such a mess,
Me, this is my design,

Anyone wanna make out, a check to me for 500000 dollars,

You what, you tube,
It’s a tube that you go through,
Because I also heard about a book of faces,
And I also heard about people tumbling down hills and stuff,
He knows too much,
Peter is the coolest dude at Disney land yo,

Eve takes the first bite of the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden,

Guys it’s the new air pods 5,

Organizes a meeting with my mind, body, and soul so what the fuck is going on around here,

Due to personal reasons I’m evil now,

Raccoons have people hands,
Or do we have raccoon hands,

Who is she,

No, I don’t feel anything, actually, apart from,
I’m hungry all the time,

When you walk past a classroom that your friend is in,

Story story story,
Bad pun,
Get out,
Worse pun,
Even worse pun,
This is why I love this website,

I would date an actor just so I can tell people that my boyfriend’s an actor and then they’d be like oh, what’s he been in, and I’d say me and raise my wine glass and laugh because in this scenario I’m at a fancy cocktail party,

China now selling anti pervert flame throwers to women,
Women respecter 90001,
While some have small flames, others can reach up to 3300 degrees and extend nearly 20 feet,
Respect women or die,

Scuttles into a pet store with no money,
Free zoo time,

Task manager not responding,
This is like a fire extinguisher catching fire,

L m a o that pigeon hells stressed right now l m a o,
Do you ever see a photo and wonder what the hell happened that led to the photo being taken,

My step father combined that’s a tough nut to crack and that’s a hard pill to swallow and ended up saying that’s a tough nut to swallow and I haven’t functioned properly since I heard him say it,

Fuck math, if you know a number fuck you,
There’s a number in your username,
Wait how did he know it was a number,
Millions is a number too,

A lot of pets will ignore you, but only a cat will follow you from room to room and check your lines of vision to make absolutely certain that you can see them ignoring you,

What if life had loading screens,
You walk into Walmart, and it’s just like,
Objective, purchase soap for grandma,
Tip, you can consume food to extend your life,

The phrase she’s got it goin on like donkey kong implies that donkey kong has a fat ass,
To be frank that isn’t something I’d like to think about,
He does tho,
I said I would not like to think about it,

For a second, I literally thought that the shark on the left was being executed, and the shark on the right was being comforted,

Catch me in the street using my frog like tongue to grab people’s air pods and eating them for the nutrient,

That show you have every intention of watching and you are 100 percent confident that you’ll love but you refuse to watch right now because it’s not the right time,
Hashtag the stars are not in position to watch this show,
Stars,

The scary thing about dating is that you are either going to marry that person or break up,
Or skin them and wear their face as a hat,
Whoa there, friend, you might need to slow down,

Snuggles get your head in the fucking game,

I hate how piglet is ribbed like an earthworm,

When someone compliments me,
Thx,
When someone compliments me I too make a loud, jarring noise,
Hey, I like your shirt,
mmmMMMMMWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHH,

getting online for the first time in a week like,
memes,

what do people in relationships even do,
care about someone with your whole heart and dedicate your life to making them happy,
okay, didn’t ask,
asks question,
didn’t ask,
thanks for the play by play captain fuck,

don’t buy colgate whitening toothpaste,
it says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days,
15 days have come and gone,
And I’m still Asian,

You’ll have more fun with the others,
Multiplayer slash battle royale,
But I was already having fun,

Hey ladies,
Did you know that,
Uhhhh,
Good point,

I can’t express how much I hate fucking bees,
Then stop fucking bees, it’s really a simple solution,
You know what I meant,

Seriously is there anything sexier than sustainable farming,

Probably the worlds oldest wombat, Patrick, 27, has never been kissed,
That is an outrage,

You can really spot a lot if you look closely at all the fighters,
Hashtag you mother fuckers never stop do you,
I hate tumblr so much,
Bye, I had to turn my brightness up,

One of my favorite phrases is that’s a problem for future me because it combines two of my favorite things, mild humor and intense, panic inducing procrastination,

Stop gnome posting,
Never,
It’s like asking a duck not to quack or a horse not to kill,
Where do you live that horses kill,
Earth,

My uncle and aunt were arguing over who had to drive home then we heard my aunt say babe look and she started chugging a bottle of wine,
I’m the aunt,

I’ve noticed a trend in my life, the larger a thing is, the more likely it is to be evil, this applies to companies, you tubers, people, and mountains,
In cases of dogs the direct opposite is true,
A notable outlier,

Love myself but I don’t love me back,
Have never ever related to anything so fucking hard,

I hate feeling like people are getting bored of me,
You’re not here to entertain anybody,
Wow you’re right,

Our indoor cat moved from a gray apartment block view to this,

People, showering me with compliments,
Me, okay but what about that one negative comment I received june sixth 2003, I’m trash sweetie,

Didn’t realize how much hugh Jackman has changed since his first appearance as wolverine,
Hugh’s jacked, man,
Huge jacked man,

If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’s be a neat noise,
I beg to differ,
Then beg,

Me to my wife on our twenty fifth wedding anniversary, so, we’ve been hanging out a lot the past few years and, I d k like, what are we,

Support for the skeleton war by those unable or unwilling to fight they stay at home, tending for the buildings until the owners return,
Why the hell does squidward’s skeleton have toes,

I don’t understand how I can get so much joy from covering my pets with blankets and watching the lump move around,

I’d say fuck the weather but it’s definitely under 18,
This is like a triple pun, how is this possible,
Oh my god,

God damn I need the story behind this before tumblr makes one up,

Person, today was a bit of a cheat day for me haha, I went on y morning run at 8 instead of 7 and had a little bit of whipped cream on my fruit at breakfast,
Me, I haven’t eaten anything but lemonade oreos for the past 2 days,

Two demon hunters jokingly search for, well, demons, unbeknownst to one, the other person is a demon in plain sight,
This is called buzz feed unsolved, and that demon is shane,

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming, it’s like, boom there’s a snail,
They’re only slow when we are watching,

Imagine being the woman in this commercial who has to pretend she was dancing with the cast of shrek 2 in Walmart,
Where is she now,
Where do you go once you’ve reached the top,

Two happy owlets,
Ahhhhhh,
And they’re covered in snow so they’re moist owlettes,

I thought this was a meme and I was trying so hard to get it,

Edward, this is the skin of a killer, bella,
Bella, diamints,
Edward, no bella, please listen to me, I’m a killer like I literally want to kill you,
Bella, sparkli,

Gender neutral bathrooms have always been a thing, I dunno what the big deal is,
I’m ready to die,
Wud the fucv,
No,

I love how the romantics were unable to tell if they were feverish or experiencing an 1 emotion,
Reblog if you, too, are either feverish or experiencing one emotion and do not know which,

My daily routine,
Wake up 8 a m,
Cry 8 30 a m to 12 p m,
Listen to sexy back on loop 12 p m to 7 p m,
Punch a hole in the wall and patch it up 7 p m to 7 30 p m,
Sleep 8 p m,

All that really matters is we passed,
Me at the end of the semester,
Me throughout my entire education,

The best kind of bird are the really short and fat ones, I love them,
Beautiful, this is the best bird in the world,