ZenToday at 6:21 PM
ok so
i did some schoolwork math and my deadline is approaching but i literally can't spare any time -- so I'm  not going to ask my mom in to help me clean until i have a few days to actually dedicate to it -- are you going to hold up until i'm done with work?
FsindrToday at 6:23 PM
The next few weeks I'm going to have to deal with some very complicated thoughts, and I'm still grappling with some of this on a very basic level.
So I don't really know what holding tight looks like or feels like, so it's not something that I can really give a "Yes, definitely" to.
Considering now that it was going to be two weeks ago, I've been waiting, and I suppose that more waiting just means more of the same.
So really, I think the question is whether you want to spend more time together starting before your trip to Disney or after.
ZenToday at 6:25 PM
i'm not going
FsindrToday at 6:25 PM
Why not?
ZenToday at 6:25 PM
i'm pushing it back indefinitely
bc i thought about some things and changed my mind
FsindrToday at 6:26 PM
How so?
ZenToday at 6:26 PM
if i'm pushing back the cleaning, i'm pushing back the ability to respond to the cleaning, and i'd like to be around for that
FsindrToday at 6:26 PM
That's true.
But I suppose the thing to consider is that there's a reason that I'm still here. Through every major thing, not just this.
ZenToday at 6:28 PM
yeah, i know, and it's a big deal
FsindrToday at 6:28 PM
And I'm honestly a little disappointed that you're not going. Not only would it be the first travel for you in a while, but I suspect there's also a very high likelihood of getting laid.
And really, one of us should be.
ZenToday at 6:28 PM
i don't think it's the right time
FsindrToday at 6:29 PM
Hm.
ZenToday at 6:29 PM
i'll go, i'll just pick another time
FsindrToday at 6:29 PM
I understand the reasoning. It's actually something I had been thinking a lot about.
(This is just making the devil's case, by the way. I've tried to force an ambivalence and I think it stuck.)
And ultimately, I don't think it really matters to me, whether it's now or later. I think that it might change the landscape somewhat in some unforeseen ways, but so does staying.
I just feel guilty, like I'm holding you back.
ZenToday at 6:31 PM
you're not, i have my own reasons
FsindrToday at 6:32 PM
To me, it feels like you've already stated your case.
ZenToday at 6:32 PM
i'm trying to be fair to myself
FsindrToday at 6:33 PM
I suppose, but I feel very much like a burden. Like, "I'd be spending Halloween in Disneyworld with somebody that cares about me in a way that I crave if Mike wasn't around."
And if this all sounds detached, it's because I've had to compartmentalize this a bit harder than most things.
But like I said, it feels to me like you've already stated your case in this relationship.
ZenToday at 6:35 PM
i don't know what that means
FsindrToday at 6:35 PM
That we have an understanding, even if it's a little unstable.
ZenToday at 6:36 PM
oh i see
i mean yeah -- my hope is that you can hang on to see what our dynamic is like without the mess
that's it
and i want to give that as much advantage as possible -- i just can't spend the time to do it rn bc the deadline crept up on me
FsindrToday at 6:37 PM
I'm not going to add more stress to what you're dealing with right now. You take care of you.
ZenToday at 6:38 PM
that is in fact my goal -- bc more to the point i find when i'm function the relationship is more functional too
i've kicked it up since my mini depression at the end of last week
FsindrToday at 6:38 PM
That's good.
And as far as my attitude about Disney goes, it's that the damage has already been done. I don't think following through would affect my state greatly right now.
ZenToday at 6:41 PM
i gotcha
it follows
FsindrToday at 6:43 PM
Likewise, I should clarify that not-going wouldn't greatly affect my state, either.
ZenToday at 6:43 PM
i get it
FsindrToday at 6:43 PM
Other than that it would feel like I was stepping out of your way to get what you want.
Ok, I'm starting to get some nasty feelings churning, so I should go before they get to a venting point.
ZenToday at 6:44 PM
alright