Stories that are bad, but make me feel GREAT

"UnFunny Nigga story #1: Zebra's are from Oakland"
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>Day 1974
>You have borrowerd a shit ton of money from some nice Zebras.
>You haven't been able to pay them back.
>That was 100 days ago.
>You hear some music over in the distance.
"Is... That rap..?"
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIeSGUK-Lyo
>Oh shit.
>You see a pimped out cart roll in to town.
>Dem rims.
"Wonder what they need?"
>They have baseball bats in hoof.
"How are they holding them?"
>The get out infront of your house.
>"EY YO DAWG, WERE OUR MONI AT!?"
"I do not have it yet, I need some more time. About one more month should suffice."
>They break down your door. That song still playing.
>" NIGGA, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAD DAT SHIT BY NOW."
>He cracks the baseball bat ageist your head.
>You're on the ground, bleeding.
>he starts stomping your face.
>Hooves hurt.
>"WE TAKEN YO SHIT."
>Joke's on them, you HAVE no shit. You bought the house with the money you borrowed.
>"EY YO GUY'S, TAKE THE HOUSE."
>LOLWUT?
>The house starts to float, leaving the floor behind.
>Twilight has betrayed you.
>Fucking Zebra Swag.
>Once the house is away, they all proceed to beat you to a pulp.
>Even Twilight joins in.
>Rainbow Dash flies by and see's what's happening.
>She land's and starts beating you up too.
"I FOUGH WE AS BO'S"
>You yell through broken teeth.
>"This is for not realizing my feelings for you!"
>She's crying.
>After about ten minutes, they stop.
>You're barely alive, and somehow still conscious.
>Everything is broken. Even your heart.
>They all leave.
>Rainbow Dash stay for a second, tears streaming down her eyes, then darts away.
>After they all leave, you hear a bush move.
>You see flutter shy getting out of the bush.
>you try to speak to her
"floanark arnt bye bettish"
>She looks at you disappointingly and leaves.



Beetus Anon
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>you have Type two Beetus.
>You have a lifetime supply of Insulin.
>One day you, and your Insulin are teleported to a land of ponies.
>Find out that it's called Equestria.
>Meet pink pony that eats too much cake.
"Your gunna get the Beetus if you eat cake to much"
>"What's beetus?"
"It's baaaaad stuff man"
>She ignores your warning, and proceeds to throw you a party.
>Too much cake there.
>After about two years, she get diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.
You run past her and yell
"I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE BEETUS GIRL, I TOLD YOU GIRL."


Brainless Jet Builder
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>Day 666 in Equestria.
>You have been trying to get a big achievement ever scene you came here.
> You finally got one.
>You made a jet.
>Took a lot of time and bit's to do so.
>But you made it.
>You walk out side and see rainbow dash
>"Hey, what's up?"
"Just the biggest achievement in my life."
>"Really? What's that?"
>You show her the jet.
>"That's... What IS that?"
"Its a thing that allows me to fly. Built her from scratch."
>"Wow. But.. It could be about 20% cooler..."
"Hey. It's my biggest achievement ever. So shut it. Do you see me mocking yours? No... Wait... What IS your biggest achievement?"
>"Mine? Well..."
>She raised a hoof to ponder.
>"Oh! One time, I flew so fast, that i gave all my friends puberty."
>wat.
>Gave her friends... Puberty?
>Brain?
>Yea anon?
>Can we ever beat that?
>I don't think so...
>Shit.
"Well.. Uh.. Wanna see if i can beat you in a race with my jet?"
>"YOUR ON!"
>You walk back inside and get in your jet.
>You get in and check all the controls.
>Everything's Okay.
>You get on the runway you made.
"ON THE GREEN LIGHT. WE GO."
>She nods.
>The light turns green, and you take off.
>You suddenly realize you don't know how to fly a jet.
>Brain, you there buddy?
>FUCK YOU ANON, I'M OUT.
>Your head opened up and your brain jumps out with a briefcase and hat on.
>It takes the only parachute.
>It jumps out.
>Well, shit, heart, can you help?
>HURRRRRRRRRR
>Uhh, heart? Why aren't you beating?
>Shit. I'm fucked.

The Mage
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>Be night in Ponyville
>Be Anonymous the Wise
>You are reading your favorite Fire spell tome.
>you hear knock on doorand magic it open.
>Rainbro walk's in from outside.
>"Hey Anon! What's up?"
>She raise's her hoof, witch you proceed to bump.
"Nothing much, bro. Just reading this classic."
>"Pfft, egghead"
"It thought me how to make fire."
>"Errr, okay... Hey, why don't you put away the book and come get a drink with me?"
Sure, I game."
>"Sweet, lets go."
"Hold up, lemme get my shit"
>You go and grab your hat and staff.
"Let's do this shit. First one to the bar pays."
>"YOU'RE ON."
>Your hands start to glow as you cast your flight spell..
>You start floating in the air.
>"Wait. Scene when could you fly?"
"All the time bro, I AM a mage after all, just a simple matter of enchanting my shoes with a flight spell, and I can fly faster then an F-16 fighter jet. Or in your case, about as fast as you."
>"Well then, things just got more interesting."
>You and your bro assume a starting position.
"And.. GO"
>You are engulfed in blue sparks, and are out front of the bar in a rocking chair while reading last weeks newspaper.
>About 2 min later Rainbow appears in sight, looking triumphant.
>She land's and turns around, not noticing you.
>"Maybe I went TOO fast..."
>You put down the paper, and light a pipe.
>She hears this and turns around.
>She's more or less startled.
>"huh, wha.. HOW?"
>Pipe in mouth you speak to her.
"My dear, you lost as soon as you set the destination. It was just a simple matter of teleporting my way here."
>"You cheated!"
"It's not like you never do it. But, if it means anything to you, I never intended to have you pay for my drinks."
>As you say this, the ground shake's as a portal opens off in the distance.
>Rainbow look's off at the portal.
>"Isn't that the same way you got here?"
"It is... I wonder what's crossing of at this moment..."
>"I wonder if it's a better drinking buddy."
>She jabs you playfully in the shoulder.
"No, it's too far gone... Might as well see what come's through."
>As you say this, a man of a large build comes walking through the portal, in armour that appers to be made of Dragon Bones.
"Well now. Wasn't expecting that.
>You walk up to to the strange man.
"Can you tell me who you are..?"
>The man looks at you, and get in your face and yell's:
>"I. AM DOVAKIIN. DRAGON BORN!"
>Spittle from his yell get's in your face, and you wipe it off.
"Well, you didn't have to yell it.
>"FUS RO DAH"
>You get blown 50 feet back, by what ever magic he is using.
"THAT was unexpected... It seem's you can't stay in the peaceful world. Pity. You look like you have been through a lot..."
>As you say that, your hands glow with power, and a hole appears and he sink's into it.
"Well now that that's done..."
>You turn to Rainbro.
"IT'S TIME TO GET SHIT FACED!"
>She stares at you for a moment.
>"What just happened?"
>By the time she addressed you, you were already inside the bar.
>You were sitting fairly close to the entrance so Rainbro could find you.

*end*

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>You are Anonymous.
>You are rolling around in your pimped out wheelchair.
>or at least you think it's pimped out.
>Being blind and all.
>You start rolling somewhere when you hear someone shout "LOOK OUT FOR THE TRUCK".
>You are then ran over by a 18 wheeler driven by a member of the KKK.
>This is.. Odd...
>You don't feel run over...
>Infact... You feel like you could walk!
>You open your eyes and can see.
"Oh, Lwardy! Je peux voir!"
>Bad thing is. You're falling.
>You land on a rock, breaking your spine.
"Well, SHIT."
>You look down to see that you are black.
"Huh. Never knew THAT."
>A few hours later you see something fly down at you.
>It's a fucking buzzard.
>It hits your right eye, and gouges out the second one.
>You grab its neck and kill the fucker, while screaming out in pain.
>"Hey, What was that?"
>Oh thank GOD!
"Help! Over here! Somefucking bird just gouged my eyes out! I also broke my back!"
>"Stay there! I'll be there in 10 seconds!"
>Yeah. You'll stay there. Not like you can fucking walk.
>Ture to the voices word, the person is there in about ten seconds.
>"Oh my god! What are you?"
>Oh boy.
"What, you never seen a blind black man in a wheelchair before?"
>"Oh no, I'm sorry. Here, let me just help you... We need to get you back to the hospital. They'll be able to help."
"Thanks for this."
>You feel yourself get lifted and pass out from pain.
>You wake up a few minutes later in a bed that felt too small for you.
"Infirmière, j'ai besoin de poulet frit plus!"
>You hear something that sound like running.
>"We came as we heard you yelling, was there something that you needed?"
"Uh, yeah, can you tell me what happened? I don't remember..."
>"Well, when Ms. Dash brought you in, it looked like you feel a good 50 feet onto your back..."
>"She found you next to a buzzard, that seemed to have eaten your eyes. Or at least, one. It was dead... We think you killed it."
"Did she bring it back with her?."
>”...What..?”
“Did she bring it with her? Buzzard makes for a good replacement for fried chicken.
>"Uhh... No...”
>You hear someone else enter the room.
>“Oh, yes. It would seem that you have a visitor."
"Really? Et qui peut-il être?"
>"What? Uhh, it's Rainbow Dash. she's the one who draged you in here."
"Ah, Okay, let her in. I want to thank her."
>"Alright. Let me go get her."
>The two people leave.
>About 2 minutes pass before you hear someone enter the room.
>"Hey, you doing okay?"
"Well... I feel the same as i did before I fell. The pain to the eyes is new. I also have a strange craving for watermelon."
>You hear a laugh.
"What, is my pain funny to you? Racist bitch."
>"Hey, no need to be rude! That was uncalled for."
"Right, sorry. You did save me...Oh, yeah, about that. Thank you for that."
>"Hey, no problem. One thing though, you owe me one!"
"When I get out, I'll try to help.. But not sure what a broke blind nigga can do for someone who sounds so... confident."
>You feel a punch in your shoulder.
>"Just tell me about yourself. You seem interesting. Hey, I have to go now, I have to help my friend set up something. I'll catch you later..."
"Call me. Anonymous. Or Tyrone. Either one."
>"Okay, See you Anon!"
>You didn't give her permission to call you anon.
>Cunt.
>You shortly fall back asleep.

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>Day Acme in Equestria.
>Today is the day you will FINALLY catch that blasted Pinkie Pie.
>You spent the majority of the bits you earned on the Pony Catcher MK3.
>It includes a piano, a net, some cupcakes, some apples, a quill, an imitation unicorn horn, parasprite plush, a copy of "Mens Health Magazine"...
>Don't know where ponies got that...
>A palm-tree, a wooden stake,Rocks,  paper, scissors, Fishing line, and some rope.
>You had to pay more for the rope, due to it not being made by Acme.
>It was made by some... Xillian INC.
>You also found a... Waiver?
>The fuck's this for?
>You fold it into a paper airplane, and throw it off.
>You get upon the task of building the PC MK3.
>The rope goes on the palm-tree, Which goes to the piano, which has the Cupcakes on top sitting next to the Mens health magazine.
>The parasprite plush is on top of the quil, next to the paper.
>Tied to the Quill is some fishing line, which is connected to the scissors, that then activates the net full of apples.
>The apples will then fall onto the unicorn horn, which will then fling the rocks, and knock out Pinkie Pie.
>it’s perfect.
>All that’s left to do now, is wait.
>You jump into the bushes nearby the trap.
>About ten minutes later, you hear somep0ny walk towards it.
>”CUPCAKES!”
>Target Acquired.
>She starts bouncing to the cupcakes, and grabs one.
>Nothing happens.
“What that..”
>You walk out from your hiding spot.
>”Heya Anon! You still trying to catch me?”
>You mumble to her under your breath, and grab a cupcake.
>Oh shit.
>The trap activates, and the piano flings you.
>You passout.
>you wake up, after what feels like days, to see the waiver on your face.
>*This trap doesn’t work on Pinkamenia Diane Pie. If attempted to be used on her, the user may die. We are not at liberty if this happens.*
>You hear a pony walk up to you.
>The waiver is taken off your face and you see it’s pinkie.
>”Better luck next time anon?”
>She then pulls some Roadrunner BS and runs off.

==
Dr. Riddles

Day Riddles in EQ.
>You're having a stand of with the Mane 6 for no reason.
>You just felt like having a stand off.
"Now, WATCH AS I CALL UPON MY 6 DEADLY ASSASSINS! Each one has their own super power!"
>You call upon Snowflake.
"Snowflake has the power of Steroids!"
>S: "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!"
>Next up is Gilda!
"Gilda here, has the power to be a massive cunt!"
>G:" Hey, WATCH IT ASSHOLE! I'll rip you a new one!"
>Ignoring her, you call upon your next assassin, Anonymous.
"This here fellow has the power of HORRIBLE luck! Wait, what do you mean I'm Anonymous? I'm the All Knowing Dr. Riddles!"
>Now you call upon Flim and Flam.
"These two here can scam you out of your money!"
>F&F: "Hey, we're not con artists!"
>Derpy is next up!
"Derpy here has the power of Iron Ass. She can somehow smash anything with her flank, no matter how hard. Too bad she's as dumb as a door nail..."
>D: "Muffins!"
>You let out a sigh.
>Now it's...
"Scootaloo!"
They give Scoots a weird look.
>You now call out...
"Big Mac! his ability is to smooth talk his way in, or out, of anything!"
>BM: "Eeeyup."
>You let out a sigh, "Such a way for words..."
>And last, but not least...
"Blueblood! He's ablitiy is his money. That's it."
>BB: "Why, I say!"
"Now... Here we go!"
>TS: "Girls, they're going to attack!"
"Which one of these don't belong?"
>They fall over on to their sides.
>They all pick them selves up, and at the same time say "Cheerilee"
"That is correct!"
>you turn to your group.
"Thank you guys for your time, you may leave now."
>TS: "Wait, that's it!? You're not going to fight us?!"
"Heavens no, I'd die if I did that!"
>You run as fast as your legs carry you as Twilight chases you.
>Today was a Kid day.
==
    >Day I don't even in Equestria.
    >You've been in EQ for a few months.
    >After befriending the mare named Pinkie Pie, you two have massive fun
    >She's been pushing you into groups of other ponies in your giant hamster ball.
    >Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention that you have to live in this ball or the pony germs will kill you.
    >Well, at least that’s what YOU think.
    >Today is going to be especially fun.
    >You got your hands on some powerful rockets.
    >Only a few ponies know what rockets do.
    >So you being the little asshole you are, decide to hook one up to Rainbow Dash's tail.
    >Let’s see how fast she can REALLY fly.
    >You find pinkie and tell her your plan.
    " ‘Whale’ pinkie, I think it's time for us to do the biggest prank I can think of."
    >"Oh! What is it?!"
    >You roll over to the rockets.
    "See these here rockets? I ‘reely’ think that there would be some good fun in attaching them to Rainbow Dash's tail."
    >"I don't know... That sounds kinda mean..."
    "Well, let ‘minnow’ if you think up a better idea for these rockets.
    >You start to roll away, but stop when she walks in front of you
    >"Alright. I'm game."
    "Sweet. Let’s kick some ‘bass’."
    >She giggles at the bad pun.
    >After a few minutes of looking, you find her practicing her 'moves' near her house.
    >Pinkie yells up to her, "HEY! RAINBOW! I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!"
    >Pinkies sudden yelling made her break concentration and she ended up running into a tree.
    >You watch from a distance as pinkie hops to Rainbows side.
    >You can't go anywhere near RD
    >She doesn’t like you.
    >By the time Pinkie gets there, RD has already re-positioned herself into a sitting position.
    >You can't hear the conversation they are having, but you know the plan worked when you see Pinkie attach a rocket to RD's tail.
    >You start giggling to yourself as you watch Pinkie light the fuse.
    >She quickly runs to your location.
    >RD takes off just as the fuse hits the base of the rocket.
    >It goes off.
    >What happened next is something that you can only describe as pure entertainment.
    >RD is getting pulled around in all sorts of loops and twists.
    >And that’s when something bad happens.
    >The rocket turns towards you.
    >You start to roll out of the way, but get stuck on a root.
    >Fuckfuckfuck
    >Within seconds the rocket is at your ball.
    >It bursts your bubble, and gets imbedded into a tree.
    >On the end of the rocket is a very pissed off Rainbow Dash.
    "Uhhh... Shit, COME ON GERMS ‘KRILL’ ME!"
    >You stand there with your arms out stretched.
    >A minute passes.
    >Nothing happens.
    >You open your left eye and see RD hovering in front of you.
    "I... Uh... I'm ‘reely’ sorry?"
    >That's all you can get out before she hits you in the face with her hoof.