I'm Addicted / I'm Afraid

Hi. This will be lengthy. I'm sorry for making you spend this much time reading what i honestly think is the most embarrased i have been opening up about myself. I just feel like.. i am almost 22, and i feel like i should know what i am doing at this point. I should know what i need to do, but even if i know what the solution is, i choose not to go down that path? Why?

I'm addicted.

No it's not drugs or alcohol. I'm addicted to my lifestyle. It's something that i have been aware of, but i didn't really realize how heavily it's taken control of my life. As embarrased as i am to say it, i kinda just need to get this out. Every day i wake up with just no purpose besides watching streams and passing time. Occasionally i'll find motivation to work on a video, or stream a game or something. But ultimately i feel like it will never get me anywhere in life.

As much as i hate to say it, what has lead me down the road of being a complete and utter sloth, is Twitch. I'm by no means a major channel, but some people may consider me "popular." This honestly has gotten to my head so much that this tiny little bit of success and fame i have, has lead me to believe that "I can make it." I can make twitch a living, i can be good at bla bla bla, people are gonna love me for it etc. etc. But no. Let's face it, i've got a fishing rod attached to my back, and it's holding a carrot in front of my face.. I can be chasing that carrot forever. Now that i've slowly come to stop running after the carrot i feel a new kind of lost i have never felt before. The will to grow my Twitch and YouTube is not really there currently. So i don't really feel like i have any goals to strive for in life anymore. Some days, i DO wake up and i get the urge to start chasing that carrot again, but the constant battle in my mind where one part says "You CAN do it, you just have to work hard." And the other saying "It's a waste of time, you have tried for almost 4 years, just stop." Is making me go insane. I can't fucking decide and it's been such a big struggle to the point where i just collapse, stop streaming and it takes me several days, even weeks off from streaming because i am waiting for my mind to settle.

The problem lies in this. Streaming has given me a lot of confidence. Like a lot.. My ego is very big at this point (for better or worse.) So i am very aware that i can create astounding content, streams, and speedruns. The reason i don't create or do these things i just listed as frequently as a "full-time worker" would usually comes down to my two main reasons. 1. I want to be in the mood for it. Especially when it comes to streams, i don't want to stream half-assed poor stream quality content. I want my layouts to look good, i don't want to be upset going into the stream, so i can look back on the vod months later and be proud of my work. I want to present myself very professionally. And i can't help it. It's something that genuinely makes me happy, and i just so happen to not be in the right mood so many times. 2. I can't help but sound like i'm having an existential crisis here lol but.. Why would i put in so much effort for no reason? All the work i feel like i put in has so little pay-off, it usually never feels worth it. So few viewers actually care about the professionalism as well. And the people that do might take it the wrong way. When they see me in good clothing, with good layouts and in a good mood, they might assume that i'm a very sophisticated scheduled man with priorities. But really that one stream where they saw me like that, was probably a 1-off moment where they don't realize how much of a lazy degenerate i am when i'm not streaming. This brings me to my next point.

The viewers..

Oh yes the viewers.

..Honestly twitch shouldn't have been more than me playing games for my friends. The popularity has almost taken over so much to the point where i get so many "fans" who type in my chat, that it keeps my friends away from typing because all they see in chat are unfamiliar faces. It doesn't help that i play like 15 different games, i don't stick to 1 friend group or community, and i dissapear often. So it's hard to stay in touch with my friends, due to our interests dividing. This isn't to say i'm not appreciative of the royal supporters i have. I'm happy with what i have built, and i'm grateful for the people that enjoy my work, but i think i have cared too much in the past about appealing to a larger audience with my attitude, consistency, and professionalism. I've kind of built my own grave now to the point where i am afraid of my own viewers.

I get so many creative ideas in my head that differ from my usual content, that i never release due to me being genuinely afraid of perception from my viewers. (I have an entire notepad in fact) It's very common for me to upload a different video, and have a handful of people ask where all the Jak or Ratchet stufff is. I'm a person with feelings and i don't understand why so many of them don't get that i'm not as passionate about a single game as some others might be. I tell so many other people to ignore these people, but for some reason i can't seem to do it myself. I want to play other games i know my usual viewers won't like, i want to make videos that are different then what i currently do. But it takes a lot of courage. So again you see an instance where my follower/sub numbers persuade the greedy part of my brain, and all of the sudden i want to compromise, so i can keep being "successful." Call it addiction, obsession, whatever. Point is i really need to get this out so you all know what i have been thinking for the past few years.

The professionalism/popularity can get a bit overwhelming, so i've been streaming to my alt account very frequently these days because it takes away so much pressure and that's what i want to feel when i stream. Just me playing a game, with my friends watching. Nobody asking me when i will do x or y is a relief and i really enjoy it. The recent drama around playing music on your stream has also really pissed me off, and i don't want to lose my progress on my main account with what i have built, so playing games with music on my alt is perfect for this. If my alt-account gets banned for copyright, i can just make a new one, because again it's just my friends watching anyway. When i stream to my alt, i feel like a human again. Everything is down to earth and we're all on even ground. Streaming on my main can have so many negative effects on me i don't realize until later, like greed, personality faking and god complex. I want to try and change the way i percieve my main channel soon. But i will need some time to figure things out.

Me being in a lost state of mind is unfortunately gonna make me withdraw a few things:
- I was gonna make a video about a specific speedrunner that i care very much about. I don't know what i'm gonna do with this video, i'm just a bit lost/in a weird state to work on a video.
- I was going to apply for host/donation reader at ESA this year. I feel as if the team could really use someone that has a good understanding of WAY too many speedgames, and has good english. I just think i need to see my friends and go there to have fun, not to spend my time "working."
- I'll still do my God of War run since it's at the beginning of the event, and it's not too hard to do. But i am withdrawing my place as a commentator for Janky's Ratchet 1 run, and if anyone else approach me for commentary at ESA, i will have to back out, sorry.

As for what's next:

Honestly i will probably just continue as normal. I don't think much is gonna change after i'm done releasing this, realistically speaking. This doesn't mean i won't work on improvements. I'm trying to actually see more people, and make adjustments in my life to try and make my computer addiction not as bad. Minor adjustments is the way to go, to slowly chip away at this lifestlye i have built. I want to make change, but i feel like whatever i do, i always end up falling back into the same hobbies. My hobbies aren't necessarily bad for me. It's the balance in my life swaying too hard towards those hobbies that's hurting me in the end. I dedicate too much time to them, and that's the part that's unhealthy. I don't think i'll see a major change until i get a job, so i will have to hang in there and see what the world brings after ESA.

After ESA is over i will look for more jobs. I already tried a bit earlier this month to no success. I just feel like i'm too close to ESA to apply for any more. I don't want to get a job and then tell them i have to go for a week soon after getting a job.

Go into my future streams with lower expectations, and realize that my professionalism is a part of what i enjoy about streaming. Also go into the streams with no expectations of what i might stream.

If you live in Denmark, i'm down to hang out, get out of my comfort zone and try new things.

I am going to ESA 2018, and i will try my hardest to go to AGDQ 2019.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate it. My issues may not sound like a big deal. I know there are bigger issues in the world, and there are people out there with bigger problems. But just realize everyone has their demons and it's not a contest about who has it worse.

- Ricky