Why I'm leaving for Amsterdam

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who would pack up and leave everything and everyone behind

Yet, here I am on the precipice of leaving my home country. To be honest, I think this was a long time coming. Like most other people, the last few years have been rough to me in most ways. While my stream popped off from 2020-early 2022, everything else in my life was somewhere between miserable and completely fucking horrible on the goodness spectrum. My closest family members were about 1,000 miles away and I had no friends to keep me company. I had never felt more alone in my life. I was hopeless and scared, and it was hard to see that I'd ever have a place in this world again.

While I would never wish the seemingly endless anguish I went through on anyone, I still view it as a blessing in some ways. In the wake of hitting complete rock bottom, I finally found the help I was looking for. My mom convinced me to see a psychiatrist for an ADHD diagnosis. My medication changed my life literally overnight. All of a sudden, catastrophes started to seem a bit smaller. It was easier to process my emotions, go to sleep earlier, and be aware of when I was simply angry because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours. My diagnosis is the single best thing to ever happen to me, and I'll always be thankful for what my mom and my doctor have done for me.

Everything else fell into place shortly afterwards. I'd love to share all the things I've learned since late 2021, if you don't mind.

I learned that I've always wanted to tell the kinds of stories famous Youtubers tell. I also stopped seeing twitch as a viable long term career path. It's a beautiful lie most content creators will tell themselves, but twitch has little value in the grand scheme of things. In the last year and a half, the best things twitch has done for me is given me an avenue to share my youtube projects with people I genuinely like, and create memorable moments I'll carry with me forever. I never realized how funny being gaslit by ChatGPT in Ratchet 1 could possibly be, but I sure am glad hundreds of us got to find out together.

I learned to love exercise. I never realized how much body dysmorphia I really had. It was bad enough that I was bullied for being skinny all throughout high school. These resentful feelings only got stronger in my time as an opera singer, I was constantly told I wasn't tall or fit enough to have a career as a singer. I needed to "look good without a shirt on". Why the absolute fuck does that matter? I lost jobs to people who were verifiably worse singers than me just because they were 3 inches taller or had 30lbs of muscle on me. It sent me into an emotional black hole. Ever since I officially left the world of opera, though, I've finally been able to reclaim exercise. I don't have to lift to satisfy other people; I can finally do it because I want to. I love rock climbing with all my heart, and it actually excites me to get into the gym and build physique.

I learned to lead. My life had been a neurodivergent disaster for so long that I could barely organize my own life, let alone my youtube team. In the last 6 months, my leadership skills have improved so much. I still have a long way to go, in case that wasn't obvious by the lack of videos lately. That being said, I not only believe in myself to guide my team, but I also have the confidence to know I can ask for help without damaging my own sense of self-worth.

I learned how to truly love myself. This sounds so corny, but it's the truth. I always thought it was important to prioritize my own goals and aspirations over everyone and everything. Turns out none of it really matters if you have no balance, no one to share it with. The love we feel in our own lives is a reflection of how much care and consideration we give to others. I want to continue to strengthen all my relationships with the people I care about. I want to share everything. The good and the bad. I want my family and friends to be a part of everything I do, and I want to love a partner as I've finally learned to love myself. And while I do all of it, I want to give myself the care and space to continue to grow into the best version of myself.

I learned how to be sober. If you don't know, I became a massive stoner when the pandemic started. Marijuana was my only coping mechanism, and it didn't seem so bad all things considered. I mean, it wasn't alcohol, cigarettes, or hard drugs. How bad could it possibly be? Well, there's always a price to pay with drugs. The misery that ate away at my heart didn't go away when I wasn't sober. It just got stronger the more I neglected it. Sobriety has been so hard. I really had to stare my demons in the face for months in order to feel like I could live sober. I still struggle from time to time, but so far I'm about a month and a half clean. I'd like to keep things that way even when I move to Europe.

And all these lessons lead to Amsterdam. I'm not going to get into the process of how and why I chose Amsterdam, just trust that it makes the most sense for me if I'm going to leave this country.

I've always dreamed of traveling the world, but I forgot this dream as I got older and as life got more complicated. But now that I've finally grown into a version of myself I'm truly proud of, I'm ready to chase my forgotten dreams. My parents are getting older. I have nothing in this country but debt. I don't own a house, and I have no children or pets. It's literally now or never. The me from even 2 years ago would be too scared to do this and would make excuses as to why it can wait, but I'm not that person anymore. If I want to be the man, the dreamer, the content creator, and the lover I've always envisioned myself being, I have to face my fears head on. My visa lasts for 2 years, although I'm not sure how long I'm really going to want to be there. A year, bare minimum. I don't know after that, though.

If you live in Europe and want to hang out, I'm open and willing. My goal is to travel to a different country at least once a month. Spain, UK, Germany, Norway, and Finland are the big ones for me right now, but I'm open to more ideas :)

If you're one of my friends in the states, please understand this. I will miss you all terribly. Yet, the sadness I feel from missing you can't possibly compare to the deep, true happiness I'll feel from finally being the kind of man who chases his dreams.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you achieve your dreams, as well.

-Scott