I rarely ever do the "messy on Facebook" thing, but after thinking about it I feel like it might be somewhat therapeutic.

Tonight I took a bath. A bubble bath, with rose petals and lavender sea salts. While I soaked in my broth and considered the past year, it dawned on me that I might finally be pulling out of the kind of fear, sadness, and lack of passion that I've seen destroy (or at very least derail) countless lives. My own included.

Simply put, the last year has been among the worst I've ever had. In fact, the last three or four years have been spent subconsciously mourning great endeavors of my own because they stopped. Because they were finished. You see, for me it's very difficult to properly appreciate something retrospectively if I'm no longer able to enjoy the fruits. It's dead, and I killed it, and whatever that thing might be or was doesn't matter (except as a grave to visit).

Two months ago I broke my collarbone in an accident, on the tail end of a very hard year, and fell into a pretty serious depression. It has always been there, and it had been worsening 'since the summer, but both being unable to care for myself and unable to be useful or social made it particularly difficult to deal with.

Luckily, with that downtime came a lot of introspection and a lack of distractions. For a while, it was painful. Too hard to bear alone, and I felt as thought I'd be swallowed up, but now I'm finally understanding on a fundamental level what everybody tries to explain when you go through major rifts and doubt your value.

I'm a good thing. Regardless of how productive or self sustaining I am, I treat people with respect and care as often as I can. I am a good thing as dictated by my personality and my interpersonal actions and not by my abilities or my strength.

When you put all of your worth on your ability to carry on, its very difficult to rest and heal, and I think this downtime has been exactly what I've needed to be able to be introspective and really understand why I feel the way I do. Why I feel so worthless despite providing a lot of love and support to a lot of people. Why I feel like nobody cares about me, when realistically my community came together to make sure I could survive through these trying times. Fiscally and emotionally.

Today I:
Finalized my therapy appointment on the 28th
Applied for ASU and dealt with all transcript transfers
Am mobile on a motorized vehicle
Came to terms with a loss not having to be something you mourn. Especially not forever.
UNDERSTOOD THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT, but also recognized that nothing happens unless you do it.

This post is mostly for me. I felt like typing it and publishing it in a way that was proud and public. That said, if you read this far I think you're owed a closing thought.

Make changes to be the person you want to be, but remember to love who you are.

P.S. ONCE WE STRAIGHTEN OUT THESE BAD CHEMICALS IT IS OVER