Thread 60: Stories 1-15

https://archive.moe/mlp/thread/21715642/
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NC
>AJ
"Twi"
'Pinkie'
[Dash]
{Fluttershy}
(Rarity)
^Spike^
~???~
~~~~

>NEXT!

~HI, PRINCESS!~

>...wait. Sweetie Drops?

[Bonbons name is Sweetie Drops?]

^Holy crap I've been making myself look like an idiot!^

"I have no idea who this is."

{Didn't I throw garbage on you once?... I'm so sorry.}

(Wait, you're the jerk who said I wasn't important!)

{Less sorry.}

~Actually, funny you should mention that, AM I Sweetie Drops!?~

>...Come again?

~Oh, you know, I was just walking down the street the other day and I noticed there are SO MANY MES RUNNING AROUND!~

"...What?"

~OVER THERE! There was a me! Over in the shop, there way a me! Out on the lake, in the roller derby, everywhere a ME ME ME ME! There are so many mes!~

>What... what're you-

~Didn't you notice I was in crowd of the running of the leaves, WHILE WATCHING ME COMPETE!?~

[...Huh... I... I DO kind of remember... something like that.]

^Yeah... from... from the balloon, I saw both of you. I think I remember that?^

"Come to think of it, wasn't Lyra also in Canterlot? She... she tried to talk to me."

>Why ain't we rememberin' this? Ya' think we'd notice somethin' like that.

~It's a conspiracy! Clones! Clones meant to use us for whatever stupid thing that needs to happen today! We have no personality! All we do is wait around until we're needed, then we're discarded!~

(This does make a lot of sense, like Berry's frequently disappearing child...)

"...But who would possibly-"

*FLASH!*

>...What were we talkin' about?

'Bonbon wanted us to give the okay for her sweets festival!'

~I did?... Oh, right, I did.~

>Huh. Well, don't see why not.

~Y-yay?... I think I need to go lie down.~

'Awww, okay! Thanks for making the trip!'

[...Pinkie, why are you wearing sunglasses?]

'No reason at all, Dashie... no reason at all...'

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Non-canon as fuck, son.
>41
"Sucker Punch"

41 was, strangely, feeling pretty good about herself at the moment as she held a well used book between her hooves, cozy in her temporary bed in the guard's quarters. Since the decision to live her life before that sword of Damocles came chopping down on her neck, that stress had mostly disappeared; letting her tick off some things she always wanted to do.

>I can't remember the last time I managed to sit down and have a read! Must have been 4-5 years at least.

She said mostly to herself, lifting her eyes at the sound of hooves coming into the room. The familiar thump of the one she'd made her decision about, Sucker Punch.

"Hey 41, heard the news?"

>News?

She'd not had any contact with her hive since the whole mushroom incident, simply to better her chances of avoiding the queen and her certain execution.

"Yeah, happened about an hour ago! 32's been forgiven! He's out and about again!" He said, with a cheery inflection that held hope that 41 might well be alright. If a would-be Queen killer was pardoned, she'd be fine!

>H-he's out?

The tone in her voice wasn't as pleased as he'd thought, to be honest, watching her reaction as 41 closed the book and gave Sucker her full attention.

"Pretty much. I mean, he's got like, an explosive collar on his neck so if he plays up she can pop his head like a grape, but he's out the dungeon at least!"

That strange look on 41's face only grew all the more worrying as she took in the news, eyes darting here and there as her brain thought through what this meant.

>OH FAUST I'M SCREWED.

"What." Sucker Punch didn't really mean it to come out as flat as it did, but it really wasn't the way he figured this'd go. Hugs, squee's of joj, bouncing hooves maybe. But what looked like desolation?

>I'M SCREWED, I'M DONE! NO CHANCE NOW!

"I- I don't get it."

41 lurched forward and grabbed Sucker Punch by the shoulders, shaking him back and forth as she explained her point at close range and high, panicked volume.

>DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MERCY THAT TOOK? NO WAY SHE'S GONNA LET ME GO NOW. SHE'D LOOK WEAK, WEEDY, PUSH-OVER! FAUST I WOULDN'T DO IT NOW!

"I THINK YOU'RE OVE-"

The shaking intensifyed for a moment, and then stopped dead completely. Which for some reason worried Sucker Punch all the more as he waited for the world to focus back to normal, leaning towards 41 to offer a kind word of assurance or two. At least that was the plan before she started talking again.

>Ok, ok. It's fine. I just gotta kick things up a notch! NOT MUCH TIME NOW, I CAN'T STAY HERE READING!

The changling suddenly bolted her head back towards the messy bed and launched a searing orb of green fire at the tome, reducing it to a pile of untempting ash.

>WE GOTTA GET THROUGH THE BUCKET LIST, YOU AND ME. BIG THINGS, EXTREME THINGS, HARD THINGS FIRST! WE GOTTA GET IT DONE BEFORE DECAPITATION.

"I-!"

Once again, he didn't have a chance to answer her as she jolted towards the door with his hoof FIRMLY held in hers, almost feeling like his shoulder was going to pop out of joint as the pair zipped out the guard room and off to fulfill 41's more difficult desires.

And for some reason, Sucker almost felt an ethereal piece of music run through his soul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZGPeSZE3oU

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>Dadling
"Bat-mom"
~~~

"So, at the very least, you see the INHERENT problem with proximity mines used as a defensive perimeter around her room, right?"

>...Oh! Right! What if something comes in from above! Good thinking, honey, that's why you're the smart one!

"...I should be worried, but I'm honestly just impressed he's managing to do all this without sleeping for days now."

>I have the solution! Spikes on the roof! HIDDEN SPIKES! MADE OF FIRE!

"...Or maybe that's the problem..."

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
[Cadence]
{Twilight}
(Luna)
~~~

>ORDER! ORDER! This here princess meetin' is now commin' ta' order... dang it feels weird ta' say that again.

"Wait, this is a princess meeting!? You said this was a cake tasting contest!"

'She told me she found Shiny's baby pictures."

[She told ME we were getting hooficures! Your poor girls need the attention, Applejack!]

(SHE INFORMED US THAT WE WOULD BE GETTING DETAILS INTO THE BEASTS FORNICATION WITH A MARE OF THE NIGHT!)

{And she told me... 'hey, Twilight, need your help, can you show up at so and so time', and I did, because we're friends. Did not need coercion.}

>ORDER AH' SAID!... Yes, we're tastin' cakes after this, yes, Ah' do have baby pictures provided by Twi's mom, and yes, this does involve Chitania's recent events.

[Wait, what about me?]

>Ah' lied ta' you.

[...Aw...]

{So, wait, what's this about?}

>We need ta' discuss the legalities of Chitania's recent, er, transaction.

(YOU TOLD US PROSTITUTION WAS ILLEGAL!)

"Because it is."

(THEN CASE CLOSED!)

>She didn't have sex with the gal.

(Obviously! Two mares cannot fornicate, Applejack! Even we are not that foolish!)

>....Gettin' ta' that later.

(We MEANT that the act of selling one's body is illegal, case closed!)

{See, that's the problem, she's not. She's selling her... energy?}

[Twilight, please, let me handle this. A-hem. While love can indeed be physically manifested in the form of outer energy or spells, the inherent charge of a sparklejoule is inert until activated. Now, while it is also true that draining Spraklejoules physically drains the body as well, that is due to the inherent attachment on a biological level between love and one's state of being and mind, and the deep attachment on a magical level between emotions and power. That said, Sparklejoules are wholly necessary for any living being to survive and function properly. As such for an equivalent like this, it's more... blood donation? I guess?]

>"'[(...)]'"

(Who art thou, and what has thou done with Celestia's niece.)

"She's your niece too."

(WE DID NOT ADOPT HER! WE WANT NO PART IN THIS!)

"Why are we talking about this anyway."

>Well, what's Chrysalis gonna do iffin' Shiny suddenly has a heart attack and-

"'[{NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE}]'"

(Pfft.)

>...As Ah' was sayin' what're ya' gonna do?

'Go back to stealing love via infiltration.'

>"[{(...)}]"

'What, you have a problem with this? I'll say it again. I'm not going to let them fucking starve, what's wrong with you? Oh sure, I'll keep anyone from dying, and no kidnapping or stuff, but if you don't think I'll go full cloak and dagger to make sure they don't all die, you don't know me very well.'

>"[{(...)}]"

'...Or I guess I could ask Cadence. You'd help out, right?'

[I... I guess?]

>That was plan B. Askin' the PRINCESS OF LOVE was plan B ta' you. THIS IS YER' THINKIN'.

'Yep.'

>...See why we need regulation?

"Right... I propose that we have Twilight study long term ramifications on someone NOT Shiny, someone with more average level... ugh, Sparklejoules, and see how it works from there. That way we can see what regulations need to be in place immediately, and go from there on how we go about monetizing it."

'WHAT!?'

"What? Are you under the impression there is a food service that DOESN'T cost money?"

'...Point. I'm down with that, and will be providing the changeling for the experiment.'

{NOT TWENTY NINE!}

'...'

{Just... just trust me.}

>Don't think we need ta'... who the heck wants that guy around?

(...not that bad...)

"What was that?"

(WE SNEEZED!)

"...Thank you. All in favor?"

>"'[{(AYE!)}]"'

"Motion carried!"

>...HOLY CRAP IT WORKED! WE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHIN' AND IT WORKED! AH'M SO HAPPY! AH'M SO-

(This is all a dream.)

>.........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*CRASH!*

'"[{...}]'"

(We apologize for nothing.)

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>Screwloose
“Highroller”
’12’
~Various~
____

>NEXT!

~SHE SNUCK INTO MY ROOM ONE NIGHT AND PUT THIS LONG METAL ROD UP MY ASS! IT WAS COLD!~

‘…’

“Whoa.”

>Hey now, in my defense, I had to make sure you weren’t suffering from cecitis.

‘From what now?’

~BULLSHIT!~

>I'm serious. I noticed you were experiencing terrible bouts of nausea and weren’t eating as much as you used to, common symptoms of cecitis.

“I can’t believe this….”

>But! After that little examination, I found that you were okay, you'd just eaten some bad fish and it was still working its way out of your system.

~I… but you-~

>NEXT!

Both Twelve and Highroller watched as the disturbed stallion, a patient of the hospital, slowly sauntered off, his anger replaced by confusion.

The two of them didn’t have time to dwell on the authenticity of Screwloose’s story when another patient, this one a mare, stomped up to the table, her face twisted into a snarl.

‘Um, hello there, Miss… Miss… I'm sorry but I can’t read your nametag, it looks to be covered in, er….’

“Blood. It’s covered in blood.”

‘Yes, that. Yeah…’

~My name is not important. What is important is that this bitch violated my person in the bathroom- multiple times- and you have three seconds to tell me why I shouldn’t mash her face in the ground.~

>Oooo, still as feisty as ever, I see.

~Two seconds.~

“Screwloose, please. We’re almost done. I can see it, the finish line, the light at the end of the fucking tunnel. Just tell her you’re sorry so we can move the hell on.”

>Why should I say I’m sorry? The day I supposedly ‘violated’ her was the same day she got jumped in the cafeteria. She was walking funny so I checked her sides for signs of hemorrhaging or broken ribs. I can’t help it that she’s ticklish as hell and started begging me to-

~SH-SHUT UP!~

‘You know what I want to know? How in the hell have you been escaping to do all of this?’

“This is the same mare that fit an entire operating table into her room. And all you care about is how she broke out? Really?”

‘I… well, when you put it like that, my question just sounds stupid….’

“Trust me, it didn’t just sound stupid- OW!”

>Be nice to my little hoof cleaner, Snake Eyes. You’d hate to be delegated down to just Snake ‘Eye’. And as for you, Miss My Name Is Not Important, you’re free to go now, but be sure to get that bruise looked at.

~…o-okay.~

>NEXT!

Twelve watched as another angry ward approached, realizing that they’d been doing this for the better portion of two days, sitting behind this table and listening to the complaints of the many, many patients Screwloose had supposedly ‘maimed’.

When in fact she seemed to have a perfectly plausible reason for every single weird, unethical method she utilized, half of which supposedly saved their lives.

~SHE STABBED ME IN THE THROAT WITH A PEN!~

>You were suffering from retropharyngeal abscess. NEXT!

~SHE BARKED AND BIT ME ON THE HOOF!~

>Side-effects of a failed experiment, sorry. NEXT!

~SHE KICKED ME IN THE SPINE!~

>Noticing a distinct lack of pain in your back? Yeah, herniated disc. You’re welcome. NEXT!

“Okay, timeout. How did you manage to fix that with a kick to the-”

>I’ve experimented on countless ponies for countless things. When you do what I do for as long as I've done 'em you learn a few shortcuts, find out what works and what doesn’t.

“…That is not a satisfactory answer.”

>Please forward all complaints to my personal assistant. Maybe he’ll find a fuck to give. And I said NEXT!

~Yes, that would be me.~

“…”

‘…’

>...Well. this oughta be good.

~This mare has done nothing except make the past few years she’s been here under my care a headache from the very hottest pits of tartarus. Her manic, psychotic ways are a danger to herself and a crime against ponykind in general. Every settling creak or groan of my home makes me jolt awake because I think she’s somehow snuck in with a scalpel and needle. Screwloose and her ways are quite literally seared into my brain.

>Why… I think that’s the most touching thing you’ve ever said to me, ma’am.

The proprietor of the hospital, Nurse Redheart herself, served as their final guest. She stood before the trio with a gaze both fatigued yet firm.

For a long while, not a word was uttered, the only exchanges being that of a visual kind as Nurse Redheart’s eyes slowly shifted from Screwloose to Highroller to Twelve, and then back again.

>Far be it from me to point out the obvious but… you look tired, Nurse.

~Thanks for noticing. I’m just returning from Canterlot actually, after having been hastily summoned to assist with a rather peculiar birthing that I could offer no help towards whatsoever.~

>How peculiar is peculiar?

~The child is of pony and changeling heritage. My blessings to the couple.~

A rather intrigued smirk split Screwloose’s face like a jack’o lantern but she remained silent.

Next to her, Twelve felt his jaw drop through the floor.

‘P-p-puh-pony and changeling? R-really? Who- when- I… I didn’t think that was possible!’

~Welp. Apparently it is.~

>Yes, so don’t go getting any ideas there, pervert. Dates before babies.

It was foreseeable, that Twelve would open his mouth to either combat Screwloose’s words or else fluster about like an idiot.

But Highroller was on the clock, having wasted enough time as it was, and lifted a hoof to the changelings lips, effectively silencing him before he began.

With his other hoof, he pointed at Screwloose.

“Is she… free?”

It was perhaps divine intervention from Faust herself that Nurse Redheart didn’t inquire as to who Highroller was.

Or maybe she was just that side of too tired to care.

~Funny you should make mention. Had you asked me that a week ago I’d’ve laughed and had you institutionalized for such a demented question… but now I'm returning to see things I would have never thought possible in the before time. My most troublesome ward, up and about, walking around, making conversation with all the ponies she'd previously assaulted.~

>Meh, you say assaulted, I say saved but hey, six of one, half a dozen of the other.

'And to be fair, we've actually been doing this back and forth consultation thing for over a day straight. I'm so tired I can't feel my love.'

"The last thing I had to eat was a pack of crackers I found on the ground..."

~Your dedication is admirable. I honestly expected to come back and find you fighting with every single patient here.~

Screwloose scoffed

>Come now, Nurse of Hearts, that sounds like something right out of a fiction novel. With every altercation there's always a verbal solution that can be found. You just have to search for it.

Twelve remained forcibly silent. So what if Screwloose merely neglected to mention the fact that they'd been chased up and down three floors before finally managing to quell the murderous crowd down enough to have that verbal solution?

There was something akin to relief in Nurse Redheart’s sigh.

~Well, I’m impressed. I think you’ve earned this one.~

‘E-earned? You mean…?’

~Yes. Follow me up to my office and we’ll get your release papers signed, Screwloose.~

Those words seemed to have a numbing effect upon Highroller when he abruptly grew limp and slumped down in his chair.

But that wry grin was hard to miss.

Drops of sparkling water shone in the corner of Twelve’s eyes as he sucked in his bottom lip, his face scrunching with what could only be seen as a urge to cry.

‘F-finally… we did it, w-we really did it….”

Something warm moved in just underneath Twelve’s chin, and if he hadn’t glanced down to witness Screwloose herself nuzzling up to him, he’d’ve have never thought her capable of such affection.

>Nope. More like you did it, Twelve.

That was all she said before moving, swiftly, like the contact never happened, to follow Nurse Redheart toward the elevators.

When she rounded a corner, vanishing from view, a hoof hotter than the sun itself fell over Twelves shoulder but he didn’t wince nor try to shrug it off.

[Hmhmhm... Looks like this journey's almost at its end, I reckon.]

'So's my sanity, apparently....'

“Did you say something, Twelve?"

[Gotta be honest when I say I never expected ya to make it this far, lad.]

‘Well, shattered vote of confidence aside, me either.'

"You either what? Are you talking to someone?"

‘Totally could not tell.'

"You know what, while you talk with yourself, I'm going to look for more crackers on the floor."

[So, iffin' it's not too much trouble... do me a favor, yeah?]

'I'm not at liberty to give a straight forward approval or rejection. I will consider it, mull it over with my agent, and get back to you promptly within three to four business days.'

'...'

[Well, only reason I'm askin' is 'cause my time here is comin' to a close an'... there's this one mare that needs some serious lookin' after. She's a tad bit unstable, highly volatile, sort've demented... but she has a good heart an' just wants to help. Ya know who'm talkin' about?]

'...'



A lump had formed in Twelve's throat and he swallowed, ignoring Highroller as the agent snooped about underneath the table.

'I... Tinsel, you-'

[She doesn't know... how I died, she doesn't remember....]

It was if the world ceased to be when Twelve slowly glanced back over his shoulder. He quite suddenly forgot how to breathe as his eyes fell upon the elder spirit of the stallion charged to watch over Screwloose, even in death.

'What... what're you saying? You- Tinsel, you were her favorite caretaker, she's talked my ear off about you! Why wouldn't she remember your death?'

[Because she caused it.]

Twelve's stomach dropped eight fathoms in the span of a second, unable to hide the horrified look dawning over his face despite best efforts.

'She what...?'

His voice was hoarse, brittle as a dead twig.

The hoof on his shoulder gripped just a bit harder, determined to keep him calm.

[Keep it steady, lad. I'm only tellin' ya 'cause I don't want ya to be blindsided with this if her memory ever comes back.]

Twelve's heart was beating so fast he felt faint but he kept his tone low, wary of the other patients stumbling about, and of Highroller just under the table.

'She... she killed you? As in, actually m-murdered-'

[It was an accident, lad. We both know that Screws has some... canine-like tendencies.]

Still stunned, Twelve could distinctly remember their first meeting like it was yesterday, and how she bit him like a chew toy....


[On the day I died, her symptoms took over for a better part of the night an'... she called herself comin' to give me a goodnight hug, even escaped and ran all the way after me... except I wasn't expectin' it and she wound up pushin' me down the stairs.]

'Holy shit...'

[Took the words right outta my mouth, hoofling. When she gets like that it changes her psyche, addles her brain- she can't recall a damn thing while in dog-mode... I can't blame her, she didn't mean to. After it happened, she sat by my body all night just'a howlin' and whinin', tryin' to nudge me awake, anythin' she could think of. Redheart, bless her soul, decided it best to just tell Screws I fell on my own when she came to her senses, save her the grief. Yeah, Redheart knows... she knows everything. She also knows that y'all're the best chance Screws has outside of these walls. 'Cause Screwloose ain't a bad girl, she's not....]

Befuddled and left wordless, Twelve hardly noticed when Highroller resurfaced with a proud flair.

"Ha! Found another pack of crackers! Hey, Twelve, you done talking to yourself yet? You want one?"

'...I don't know what to say.'

"What? It's a simple yes or no question. Aren't you hungry?"

[Ya don't gotta say nothin'. Give an answer with your actions, lad....]

Unconsciously, Twelve reached out and took one of the offered crackers, but paused with it halfway to his mouth when a mare sauntered around the corner.

A mare with light cerulean fur and a stylishly unkempt blueish gray mane.

A mare who had traded her straightjacket for a pristine white lab coat.

A mare who, upon spotting Twelve, produced a wicked smirk.

>Tiiiick, tooock, the screws are loose at last.


[Well? What'll it be, lad?]

>Hm? Oh there you are, my dear Tinsel, whatever are you talking ab-

Her words fumbled when Twelve wrapped his forelegs around her neck in an embrace both warm and protective.

>Pervert...?

'Heh, this'll probably be the job that kills me, too, but... I accept it.'

>Accept what? What're you talking about?

"Don't even bother, Screws. He's been rambling to himself since you left. Want some of this cracker?"

While Highroller may not have understood, Screwloose instantly knew the source behind Twelve's 'rambling' and glanced over to Tinsel, fully intent on finding out what in Equestria had been discussed during her absence.

Only Tinsel wasn't there. Just blank space.

>Tinsel...?

She tried feeling out for his presence only to come back with an odd, unsettling sense of loneliness.

>Tinsel! Where're you hiding? Get out here!

Several heads turned in their direction, including Highroller who now jerked an eyebrow at the manic mare.

"Hey. Bird. What in the hell are you doing? Who're you calling out to?"

She wasn't listening. She was getting progressively angrier, and scared, as her voice rose several octaves.

>TINSEL! IF YOU DONT GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW SO HELP ME FAUST-

'He's gone, Screws.'

It was uttered softly, tenderly, yet it cut through Screwloose's desperate cry like a knife and she fell silent, looking stricken as she stared into Twelve's face.

>But... but how? I'm still here, I haven't left yet! I haven't even said goodbye! How is he GONE?!

'Because I took his place.'

>Took... his place?

'Well, more like took his job. See, his shift had to end sometime, right? Well, I'm his replacement. ...You don't mind that, do you...?'

For one wild moment, when Screwloose lifted her hoof in the air, Twelve thought she might strike him.

But then she brought it to the back of his head, bringing him in closer until their foreheads touched.

>No. No, I guess I don't....

And even through the all the noise circulating around them, the sound of tears drip-dropping to the floor couldn't be missed.

She sniffled.

>But… I don't just accept any namby-pamby as my caretaker, pervert. You got some pretty big shoes to fill.

‘Yeah, no, you can keep his shoes. I'll be filling my own, thanks.'

A watery giggle escaped the scientifically-inclined mare and she lifted her head, those red-rimmed eyes glinting with a feral glee.

>Exactly what I wanted to hear.

"Right, well, I have no good Faust clue what the fuck you two are talking about or who this Tinsel is. So I'm just going to eat my crackers."

>Don't worry about it, Snake Eyes. Your mission's almost complete. I finally ditched that stinky jacket off, got my papers signed... All that's left is for you to lead us home.

"Finally. Now there's something I can do. Let's move, people. The faster we're out of this hellhole of medicine and needles, the better I'll feel. Hate hospitals...."

'Yeah, time to close this chapter.'

Rubbing her eyes clear, Screwloose threw out a hoof.

>Onward, minions! We've greener pastures to conquer! ...And it better come with a well-equipped lab or someone's getting a scalpel in the throat!

Maneuvering through a sea of semi-disgruntled stallions and mares proved easier than any expected, and it was doubly shocking when some of the patients actually stopped to give Screwloose a farewell wave or else a hoofshake.

When they finally passed through the front doors, when they were finally able to fill their lungs with fresh air untainted with the stench of the sick, there wasn't a need to look back, no longing to get one last visage of their previous 'home'.

Still, that didn't stop the breezing winds from delivering one final message:

[Y'all got the leash now, lad. Just make sure she stays on it, heh.]

"...Okay, the fuck was that? Did you two hear someone speak just then?"

But both Twelve and Screwloose only smiled.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Vekir
"Twilight"

>Twience Princess, hallo!

"Oh, Vekir, hi, was there something you needed?"

>Yes muchly, Twience Princess, I am in need for you to Twience Vekir's armor with much haste.

"Huh, I thought I already fixed it up, did you manage to break it again?"

>No no no, not at all, Vekir must ensure it is ready for the journey I must take.

"Journey? Are you going back to the caves?"

>YOU WILL NEVER TAKE VEKIR ALIVE!

"..."

>...impulse, Vekir apologizes.

"...can you...can you let go of my head?"

>Yes, many apologies. But no, Vekir has been given a great mission, Twience Princess! She must go forth into the world and receive the signaturals of great leaders and learn of their lands for to teach to her fellow Morlock! Silessia Princess suggested that I should look far before I look near, and so Vekir shall go to the land of Catbirds!

"Ahhh, I see, well...I suppose it may make me late for the cake tasting buuuut...come on, let's see if I can't put together a little something to keep you safe, hm?"

>HURRAH!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~

>Wait... why?

"It's simple. You have been utterly neglecting your magical capabilities. The most recent invasion was proof of this. Thanks to your inherent more earthy nature, more so than even most earth ponies, you should have been able to effect the infection a lot better than you did. That you couldn't is a sign you need to improve your magics."

>I got all the magic Ah' need, thank ya'! Ah've got mah' telekewhatsis fer' pickin' up papers, and that's all Ah' rightly need! Don't need none of that ice spittin', or fireball throwin'!

"There is a lot in between those two things you just said."

>Ah'm good, thank ya' kindly!

"...Applejack."

>Nope.

"Applejack."

>Ain't gettin' anymore.

"Apple. Jack."

>...Ain't you busy?

"I have trained some of the greatest sorcerers and spellcasters in history. I have helped usher in some of the greatest beings ever made and studied personally under the most gifted unicorn to ever grace this planet. Do you really think if I needed to, I couldn't make time?"

>...Ah'm good.

"Applejack!"

>....LOOK! OVER THERE! CAKE!

"Oh please, like I'm falling for-"

>NO REALLY, IT... wait, is Shiny crawlin' inta' that?... IS HE WEARIN' A THONG!? ACK!

"WHOA WHAT... Wait, where? I don't see..."

...

"...She does realize she lives here, right? It's not like she's ceased to be because she ran off..."

...

"...Damn it, now I'm thinking about what I want for my birthday..."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>???
"Changelings"
~~~

Before today, not a single changeling could ever recall a time when they heard knocking, honest to hivemind knocking, on their ballroom door. At first, they all just froze, looking around in utter confusion at the strange noise and thinking one of them had somehow gotten trapped in the wall... again.

It was only after careful deliberation, the combined intellects of the ballroom's greatest thinkers and some heated, and often bloody, debates, that they came to a conclusion.

And that conclusion was 'a changeling opened the door while they were yelling at each other.'

"Hello?"

Being a changeling, he actually was quite apt at social norms and expectations. Of course, he would be a poor infiltrator without the ability to at least somewhat blend into a society. However, he wasn't quite sure what, exactly was expected to be said when confronted by a very serious looking unicorn in a dark suit complete with top hat and inexplicably wearing sunglasses indoors.

>I am looking for two individuals.

"...Look, I don't know what you've heard, but this isn't a brothel."

"Yeah!... But he is cute."

"Shut the fuck up, 14!... Anyway, like I was saying, this isn't-"

>One of the individuals is a unicorn named Jugglo.

"...Okay? Never heard of-"

>And the other is an earth pony named Actarius. He went under a pseudonym of 'Acter', but that proved... ineffective for deterring me.

The changeling paused. He did not give away any tells, of course. Again, Changeling, he would be pretty terrible at his job if everytime someone said something off-putting he started acting nervous, but even he was susceptible to being taken off guard.

"...Now, see, that name I know! Start with that one. Anywho, haven't seen him in a while personally, but it's a pretty big ballroom. HEY! GUYS! Any sign of Acty?"

As one, they let out a resounding-

"NOPE!"

And various mentions of lack of sight and other such claims of never being seen with various explanations.

>I see....

His eyes cut over, to just over the changelings shoulder.

>That is a very large collection of very nice looking items, mister changeling.

"I like to think so."

>Good to hear. Well, if mister Actarius or his associate should show up, tell them that certain institutions are looking for him, and to come to this address, immediately. It is of the... utmost importance.

Casually, he took the card with nothing on it but an address.

"Uh... sure."

>Good day, mister changeling.

He blinked out of existence, teleporting away to who knows where.

After a beat, the changeling shut the door, and everyone instinctively looked around for any sign of tracers or bugs.

After the coast was confirmed clear, everyone looked at the giant stack of beanbags in the corner, from which a familiar white pony and fellow changeling emerged.

After a beat, Actarius shrugged, and everyone just took that to mean they should go back to what they were doing.

[...So, uh, you think they caught on?]

{Pretty sure they caught on.}

{It totally worked!... For a bit!}

[What now?]

{...this might be the part where are screwed.}

[...What're the odds we can pull that off twice?]

{...}

[Fuck.]

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
'???'
"Twilight"
-Fluttershy-
=Pinkie=
[Dash]
(Rares)
~Spike~

>NEXT!

'Uhh...Hi Princess, it's me'

"Sorry, who?"

>...Yer....yer the lil' pervert who ah had to take a mushroom bullet for

~He did what?~

'Well, I didn't do anything, really, she just sorta jumped in the way of the..beam thing'

>So there ah was, tryna git outta some tree branches, when ah hear this voice coming from some plastic tree this guy was hiding in-

'Fibreglass, technically'

-A-actually, I'd suggest painted over balsa wood, less fumes that way-

[...That's...kinda outta left field, Flutters]

>Aaaaas ah was saying, he said he was part a some "stalk AJs flank" gang when one of Them showed up and... well he got stuck in his whatsit, and the magic fungus "stuff" was going right for him so Ah....Ah took the shot, honestly, ah just had t'

'And myself really, REAALLLY wanted to apologise for-'

=Nearly bringing about the collapse of Equestrian governance? Of course you should be sorry, silly!=

'A-and on behalf of the *ahem* Princess Applejack Derrière Appreciation Club, Canterlot Chapter, we'd like to offer this as a compensation and...token of goodwill and w-why is the dragon looking really really angry at me?'

The stallion tentatively stood aside; away from Spike whose nose was jettisoning out angry puffs of smoke to the beat of a four stroke piston engine, to bring in and reveal...

A very, very large cake, bedecked in gold and emerald frosting three apple scented tiers high, it's crown a a faithful jelly mould of...Applejack's ass, an jiggling opaque mass of orange accented by rose red and verdant green laminations of AJ's cutiemark on either side, and ;what Rarity thought was either a trick of the light or spectacular attention to deatil, the smattering of freckles near the crack.

>...Uhh, I uhh...

=Woah=

[Dude]

~It....it...~

"Oh..."

-...My-

(...Celestia)

[Duuuude]

'So...is it good..enough?'

One brief awestruck and befuzzled moment later

>Well...It's...really is something ah guess- Wait, what was your name? Ah never caught it

'It's...Humdinger, it really isn't anything special y'see. C-can I take my leave now?'

>Oh...sure...sure, granted, yer pardoned fer whatever it was

'Okie d-dokie then, see ya, your Highness'

The door closed with a hiding shuffle and a resound bang. Semi-rousing the gang from their gawking state.

"That cake looks....really well, modeled...or...structured?"

(I..I feel quite peckish all of a sudden, do you mind if ear your a- I MEAN, have a slice?)

[Did I die? I think I'm dead, Fluttershy? Am I dead?]

-I don't think so...?-

~Applejack? C-can I have the...the big bit?~

=Huh, that icing at the bottom level looks a lot like Mrs Cake's old hoofdiwork, isn't that funny?=

Quietly, AJ pulled Spike to her and quickly whispered into his ear

>Spike, you make sure no-one but you touches that jello top, and swear on yer life make sure not a single changeling sees it, Chrysalis...doesn't need to know, got that?

~I-wha-huh...top bit? Oh...yeah, got it~

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Maud"
~~~~
>Welcome to (not so) Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during that time that content doesn't matter and we can go off on a horrible tangent. Now for our main guest...MY SISTER MAUD!!!
Applause as Pinkie gives a Maud a tight hug.

"...Hi"

>Hooo it feels like it's been ages since I last saw you. How was the Cordyceps arc for you?

"Eh..."

>That wasn't my real question, so that doesn't count! Can I give my viewers some wincest fanservice!?!

"No."

>Aw okay, I guess I won't be boosting the ratings tonight(even though it's past noon). I guess that's our show, join us next time as I sneak a candid peek into one of my friend's dreams.

"...It's a bad idea."

>But I need better ratings to stay on the air. Oh and boulder had an accident.

Maud wakes up and looks at a wet spot near boulder.
"...bad boulder."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chitania
"Librarian"
~~~~

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"....Should... should I ask?"

In response, the mare sitting next to the Titan just waved.

>...no...

"...M'kay."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
~~~~

>...Please stop glaring at me.

[Into my stash she went, Twenty Nine! Does this look okay, or fine!?]

>She wasn't that bad, I'm sure.

'MINION! Trixie has so many new ideas for the show! Quickly, figure out a way to make setting a tree on fire sound fancy!'

"...Pretty sure that's illegal."

'The only thing should be illegal around here is how nobody has done this AWESOME thing yet!'

"That is not how that works."

>Like the autumn turn upon our world, watch as the leaves upon this tree become ablaze with-

"No."

>I NEED THE MONEY!

"Why? You get paid fine."

>I have expensive tastes.

[He really does, that cannot be denied. Trust me, nobody has even tried.]

"So, changing the topic before you make me depressed with how much awesome stuff you have-"

>HAD!

'...Sorry.'

"-Anyway uh... any word on when you can take those two back?"

[Wait, what two? Give me a clue.]

'Trixie is also confused.'

>No. But I mean, surely word would have spread if mine leader so regal had taken his head with one swipe, correct? Surely they would not leave mineself from the loop!

[...WHAT!?]

'Trixie is so lost...'

"Uh... sure."

>...

"...Trying to be nice. I mean, they did think you were dead for a while."

>...M-mayyybe I should go... visit my dear cousin again. Just for kicks.

'Does he live up there? Doesn't he go to school down here?'

[That confuses me as well. I always hoped you would tell.]

"...He's PROBABLY not dead."

'WHO!?'

[Stop leaving us out of the loop! My brain is starting to become goop!]

>...Can I have tomorrow off?

"You know what? Sure."

>...

"..."

['TALK!']

>Thirty Two.

[...ohhhhh... oh...]

'... If he's dead, can I use his body for my-'

>"[NO!]"

'CREATIVE MURDERERS!'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
"Twi"
'Pinkie'
[Dash]
{FS}
(Rar)
^Spike^
~~~~

>NEXT!.........NEXT!..... next?

"Huh. Guess everyone got tired of waiting or we got to talk to them."

'So... what do we do now?'

[I... I guess we could talk about stuff.]

{Oh! Yes! Stuff. It's been too long since we talked about stuff.}

(Oh darling, that's so true! So... what has everyone been up to?)

^...Really?^

(I meant besides this whole room thing, Spikey-Wikey.)

>Have... have we actually done anything besides this?

"It does feel like we've been stuck in here too long..."

'...I HAVE AN IDEA!'
~~~~~~

>"'[{(WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)}]'"

^Too short!? How can I be too short!? Explain this to me! Explain how I can save freakin' KINGDOMS MADE OF CRYSTAL but somehow I'm too short to ride a roller coaster!? What kind of sense does that make!?^

>Ya'll can catch the next one, Spike!

^BETRAYAL!^

(Oh, I do feel sort of bad...)

[MEGA DIP IS COMING UP!]

(And now I don't, WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!)

^THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE!^

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
>42
"18"
~~~~
>Remember Applejack 12?

"The one that was suppose to find a job?"

>Yeah that's the one. I sent him a card to check if he was still alive. He hasn't sent it back.

"I was wondering when he was going to die. Alright, I guess we should send the next one to find a job."

>AJ13?

"That's the one. Maybe she'll have better luck."

>Or at least live long enough that I'll win the pot. I'm still mad about that. He clearly should have died after 2 months.

"Tell me about it. My bet was on the 6th day."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
“Twilight”
-Fluttershy-
=Pinkie=
[Dash]
(Rares)
^Spike^
_____

“I… wow. Just… wow.”

[I’ve been around the block and even I find this kinda disturbing.]

-Does he have to flick his tongue like that….? Does he?-

=I’m above the age of consent and I still feel I need an adult for this!=

(This… is somewhat relevant to a lot of my current interests. I’ll say that and say no more….)

>Er, Spike? Sugarcube? That part yer’ eatin’ there, the rear part? Do ya’… well, do ya’ hafta lick it like that…? All the tongue movements, the smackin’ an' slurpin’….

(Darling no, let him finish….)

^Hey, what I do with my jello apple booty is my business. After all, none of you are being forced to watch. Now, if you’ll excuse me….^

“WOW!”

=Did he really just stick his claw in there...?=

[Shit, I need to sit down on this one.]

-I’m s-scared….-

(I’m intrigued. Spikey? Don’t forget to nip the freckles… yes, just like that….)

>…Ah’m feelin’ feel mighty violated right about now. An’ slightly jealous.

^Mmmmmyeah….^

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