Normal Norman - True Normality Radio

Jun 12th, 2013
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  1. >Be Norman
  2. >I'm elected to be one of the people hosting a radio show for Communications class
  3. >Green and Vinny also got in
  4. >For some odd reason I got paired up with Purple
  5. >Need to broadcast every Friday at 6PM because I was the last in the lineup
  6. >Go to school at about 5:30
  7. >Purple right behind me, still talking about ponies
  8. >Was told by the teacher to wait until Vinny's broadcast is done
  9. >Ask teacher what I should talk about
  10. >"It's up to you", he said
  11. >Ask what Green talked about in his broadcast
  12. >Teacher says he was talking about games, particularly E3
  13. >Probably just spewing off his pleb tastes
  14. >Hear some jargon from the booth
  15. >She's eloquently describing why Avicii is better than any electronica music right now
  16. >Have to sit through half an hour of it while Purple is spouting her pony nonsense
  17. >About ten minutes in, teacher says I can get in the other room to familiarize with the equipment and start the broadcast
  18. >When I entered, it's a shithole
  19. >Clutter everywhere, I can't imagine anyone under these conditions
  20. >Try to press a button, a sign lights up that says "On Air", turn it off for now
  21. >The mic was horrendous, I need to keep holding it because it's wired up to a crank, and if I don't keep holding it it flies off
  22. >"So, what do we do here?" Purple asked me
  23. >Since she'll probably just ruin everything I told her she can be my Moderator
  24. >What now?
  25. >Norman, you've got 30 seconds to air your show
  26. >Still got no topic
  27. >Purple looks at me with her usual grin
  29. >Sign lights up, I'm on air
  30. >Still don't know what to talk about
  31. >Screw it, I'll just talk about whatever
  32. >Started off pretty bad, I'm stuttering and mumbling like an idiot
  33. >Because I'm really just getting nowhere talking and I've still got about an hour left, I decided to let the viewers call, since the teacher said it's okay
  34. >So if any of the viewers have questions or inquiries you can call me on this hotline...
  35. >Get a call
  36. >Alright we got a call here, what's going on?
  37. >"Hey Norman, what is your opinion on Microsoft and the latest events?"
  38. >Well, personally I'm a fan of the Xbox and I love the games, but given the events of E3 I think I might actually go for Sony
  39. >I think Microsoft did something wrong with the always-online and the restrictive DRM, not to menton the complexity of sharing games with your friends
  40. >I mean sure, PS4 has $5 a month, but compared to the Xbox one, it's a lesser evil on the two
  41. >Silence
  42. >"But seriously man, that's soooo plen as fuck, still a consolefag by the end of the day?"
  43. >Plen..? What? Green, is that you?
  44. >Aw he hung up, awwww, he hung up, stupid idiot.
  45. >Alright we're gonna be taking a break for a while, I need to discuss some things with Purple
  46. >I play Caramelldansen to stall them
  47. >Broadcast is going to shit, I say to purple
  48. >"Don't worry Norman, you just need something different, a gimmick you know?"
  49. >What gimmick?
  50. >Well, you know how everyone has a "tweeter"? Well I made one for the show, you can give shoutouts for people!
  52. >Calls keep coming
  53. >Some are just prank calls, calling me a racist, skinhead etc.
  54. >I just tell Purple to block calls from those numbers
  55. >Literally like 70% of calls going through are just there to call me a nazi or something
  56. >Start to get pissed
  57. >Alright we're gonna have some Twitter shoutouts, everyone who wants a shoutout can just retweet the first post on my Twitter account @normanradio ALL ONE WORD, NO UNDERSCORES
  58. >Alright let's see if we got some shoutouts, Purple do we have some shoutouts?
  59. >Can't hear her that much from over the tech booth but her nod says we got shoutouts
  60. >She feeds me the twitter page
  61. >Alright we got Ai_ma_come_guzzl Ah screw you!
  62. >We got Ballsweat, what's going on
  63. >We got PoopGargler, Jesus Christ that's sick! THAT'S SICK! PoopGargler? Aww, -retch-
  64. >We got BurnedJuice in the house what's going on- Ah screw you too! Making me look like some kind of a Grand Wizard racist over here
  65. >We got.. I'm not gonna say that
  66. >We got Norman_is_a_plen, yeah screw you
  67. >We got AdolfNor- Alright that's it, screw all of you idiots that are out there making me look like some kind of a jagoff
  68. >You should be screening these twitter names Purple, Jesus
  69. >We got Isle_of_Sodomy, what kind of name is Isle_of -- Ah get him off Purple!
  70. >Alright, that's it I'm done with these Twitter names
  71. >Do we have any skype calls purple?
  72. >She tries to say something but her voice is getting really screwed up from the booth
  73. >Alright according to Purple we have some Skype calls
  75. >Let's take some Skype calls shall we?
  76. >Let's hear from Jim_Morrison, what's up?
  77. >"Norman why are you so racist?"
  78. >Hey I'm not a racist alright I AM NOT A RACIST
  79. >I happen to have a bunch of friends that HAPPEN to be coloured
  80. >I have a whole bunch of friends that HAPPEN to be blue, or green, or grey
  81. >So for you idiots to sit over there and call me some kind of a Grand Wizard is a false inditement, it's a slanderous lie and everyone knows it
  82. >We got err-erto-Ertoonen? I don't know
  83. >Cello starts to play
  84. >Hey this is pretty good, this... this is pretty good
  85. >Hey that's pretty good Ertoonen, you wanna give a shoutout?
  86. >Danke Norman, zat is Deutschland classics
  87. >Alright, that was just Ertoonen
  88. >Let's hear it from DildoFaggins, what's up?
  89. >"Norman come watch Super Pony Princess Pals with us!"
  90. >Oh my god that cartoon, you know thanks for bringing that up DildoFaggins, I've been hearing that cartoon for some time now
  91. >I think that cartoon is a shallow piece of marketing gimmick, it just gives you the impression that it appeals to the older demographic but it's not you know?
  92. >At the end of the day it's still a show for little girls, and I don't understand the appeal of it
  93. >So I think anyone, who keeps on saying 'I like super pony princess pals, and I'm male' needs to take a second look at their preferences, y'know?
  94. >Suddenly the next calls are all about me being a racist or not liking the cartoon
  95. >Alright that's it, let's have a bit of a cluster call shall we?
  97. >Alright, I'll just spring up a few numbers simultaneously here
  98. >Chaos ensues
  99. >It oscillates from people screaming Nazi to Oh god Norman I want you to tie me up and call me a filthy nigger ooh
  100. >Listen to them they're fruiting up, they're fruiting up! Their assholes are puckering for Christ's sakes
  101. >Eventually it becomes too frustrating
  102. >Alright that's it that's enough
  103. >Kick 'em all out Purple
  104. >Kick 'em all out Goddamnit!
  105. >Alright, that's enough, I'm just gonna take a few more calls, since we're almost out of time anyway
  106. >We got Descartes, what's going on?
  107. >"Hey Norman, I'd just like to get some advice."
  108. >Sure, what about?
  109. >"Well, there's this girl..."
  110. >Wait-wait-wait, hold it right there, I'm not too much of an authority on that subject you know
  111. >"Nah man, it's okay, I just really need someone to talk to right now."
  112. >Alright man go ahead.
  113. >"See there's this girl I like, right? And I wanted to spend a little time with her, alone, if you get my point."
  114. >Yeah, go on.
  115. >"So I ask her out to go with me on this party, right? And to be honest, well, I kinda wanted her to get drunk so I can..."
  116. >Wait, you wanted to get her drunk so you can have sex with her?
  117. >"Well, yeah I mean isn't that what couples do nowadays?"
  118. >Jesuuus Christ man, that's horrible!
  119. >"Anyway, Norman. So we're in this party right, and well she wasn't getting drunk, because she's laying off the alcohol right? Said she was watching her weight or something."
  120. >Yeah?
  121. >"So... I kinda..."
  122. >You kinda what?
  124. >"I kinda roofied her."
  125. >Oh.. Oh man, Jesus. Do y'all hear this? Did y'all hear what this guy just said? He ROOFIED HER! Jesus Christ man, that's sick! That's sick!
  126. >"So we do it, you know?"
  127. >WE? What the hell is with the WE stuff, you roofied her for Christ's sake
  128. >"Right, so after the whole shebang you know, she wakes up and I tell her that she passed out because someone hit her with a football"
  129. >How did you convince her?
  130. >"Well, I kinda smacked her upper lip."
  131. >Jesus Christ man, alright go on
  132. >"But then after a week she calls me, and she told me that she's pregnant right?"
  133. >What? So you roofied a girl and sex'd her up without using protection?
  134. >"It was at the spur of the moment Norman."
  135. >You're a sick bastard, you know that? Anyway what did you want to ask me?
  136. >"Well, basically given the circumstances I'd just want to know why you won't SUCK MAAAH DIIIIIIIIIIIICK! SUCK MAAAH DIIIIIIIIIIICK!! SUCK MAAAAH DIIIIIIIICK!"
  137. >JesusChrist, get this asshole off- Purple get him off!
  138. >"Norman seriously bro SUCK MY DICK"
  139. >Get him off Purple!
  140. >That's it! I'm done! I'm done! Stick a fork in me I'm done!
  141. >I'm out of here Purple, get me out of here!
  142. >Purple tries to tell me that there are still some callers on the queue
  144. >GET ME OUT!
  145. >You've been listening to True Norman Radio. The thoughts views ideas comments and opinions of the host of this show are...absolutely his.
  146. >Purple gives me a disappointed look as we leave the booth
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