3:00 PM] Seathsuke-Chan: (begging for romantic non-romantic relationship)

I feel like there is a way that we can work out a relationship that feels (ok? other word better? Sincere?) to you and satisfying to me?  I really dont feel comfortable just being friends? It feels like an inherent degradation of our connection and i just cant handle the feelings of loss and distrust. It would just be less painful for me to not be around you than to feel that constantly. But i dont think either of us want that outcome? I feel like there's a way we can have a relationship* and have it have the valuable things that i want (emotional priority over other non-relationship people, lewd, big trust etc) but also be comfy and feel real to you?

(cont.)

It's my current understanding that your disinterest in a relationship is more oriented around not feeling romantic than anything. But i am very willing to make any changes to our dynamic if they'd make you happier. I didn't understand how much i hurt you. I really don't think the benefit i gained was anywhere near the amount of hurt you felt from it. I saw you as an emotional deity that just wasn't affected by my anxiety or my pain and i just got used to you taking care of me at all times. I'm sorry.I think its selfish and unfair for me to ask that, but like, it feels like the best option? Maybe someday it can feel like a real relationship too. idk. I really want to be close to you. I think everyone should prioritize themselves first. That's why im writing this. If the discomfort of a faux relationship im suggesting is worth it for me being around then i think you should do it. if not then dont?

i wish i was still your madoka to your homorua
[3:13 PM] Seathsuke-Chan: (i already said this before but stuff i wish i did in relationship better)

i regret taking you so much for granted. i feel like if i was more loving and attentive then maybe you could have had feelings for me. I have that love and attentiveness in me i just was always kind of numb and scared. But i felt it then and i feel it now.  this is a stupid paragraph. i dont know why im not good enough. i guess thats why the rejection hurts so much? It makes me feel like a really big reason i felt good about myself is gone? I remember you talking about that last night. I think that feeling is a big feeling in every relationship, but it was definently bigger in my connection to you than most people? I would not call it defining. The other stuff is bigger. What hurts is the feeling that we'll never get to do any of the stuff together that i really wanted to do (trans stuff lewd stuff living together, doing stuff going to concerts whatever) . Or that i'll never feel as close to you or ever be able to trust you and feel as venerable again. I know this isn't something you need to hear. Writing this was always about me. I know i can't change anything. But my feelings were real gosh darnit.

(I feel skeptical and guilty about the romantic non-romantic relationship idea)

i want to call some sort of half relationship the utilitarian thing to do but it honestly probably isnt? It would kill my to have you say "i love you" and not mean it. Or to have sex with me and be disgusted by it. or to live with me and be constantly wishing you were with someone else.  I keep imagining that you change your mind and feel ok doing this baby relationship thing with me but i haven't actually thought about what itd be like. I thought itd help me not feel like id lost so much but it wouldnt. I just need to accept that the things i found value in looking foward to arent real and that i need to find new things to be happy about.
[3:37 PM] Seathsuke-Chan: (i am stupid and dont listen; please be mean if you dont want to try the romantic non-romantic thing or ill keep coming back and repeating myself. Please dont allow me to send messages through other people.)

If we cant work out something like that, it would be very helpful to me if you could be very clear.  Please dont be nice just say no. be forceful and dont let me argue. ill try to send messages through other people but itll just be the same kind of manipulative stuff as last time. i just need to be away from you until the feelings wear off. I think we might be able to be friends someday but at that point id suspect it'll probably not be worth it to try?

(i'll be ok without you, im sorry for guilt tripping you it was insincere)

i am scared of the future, but not having you as a support won't doom me, nor will having you as a support save me. I'm sorry ive been such a bother throughout this. I know i haven't really been able to express this but i really deeply appreciate your patience and compassion for me throughout this. Throughout all of our time together honestly. You have a really beautiful soul and i believe in you even if i can't be around to see you grow.

it would mean a lot if you could give me a real goodbye message
you dont have to itd just be nice

ps: i want to blocking to be mutual ie we both block each other (and on the alt crag account.) i wont do anything bad to you but ill say that i will?
[4:55 PM] Seathsuke-Chan: pps

(i got drunk and high idk what this was for)

it makes sense to my brain that being your friend would be a much better choice than not being around you ? i feel like loss and anxiety and all that bad stuff is something i should have the will to fight and overcome. But like, its really hard. i just want to hide from it and pretend we never met and try to distract myself until i feel ok. its much smaller but losing lem hurts a lot too. its harder for me to even approach that feeling because it makes me so incredibly anxious. this paragraph really hurts to write. i know my pride is stupid and i want to carve it out of me. i feel so unworthy. this against my narrative earlier but, like, being someone who was loved really made me feel a lot less like the universe was a hostile and hateful place. i really dont know how true of a thing it was, but love was really powerful as a direction. i always turn towards death when i feel directionless but honestly i dont really wanna die. things really arent all that bad for me right now, even without you or lem. im really happy you feel it now. it hurts so much to say that but i really am. i feel so worthless not being able to do anything for you, i always have. thank you for being with me for this long. i miss you constantly now, but i know itll get better. I'm probably going to try to cut you both out of my head and heart? which is why im so insistant on 0 contact from now on after we finish talking today. thank you for understanding byebye