EpicDM

epicfacethe3rdToday at 10:41 AM
I didn't leave for the reason you thought.
I left because who I am as a person...
It fucking terrifies me.
GaigeDaMechToday at 10:47 AM
But... you didn't always come off to me as the pushy type.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 10:47 AM
That's not really what I meant.
Who I am as a person is awful.
I honestly almost find destroying people's lives fun. Nobody like that should be anywhere near a community like yours.(edited)
I got into an argument with alica about it.
She kept trying to say "no you're alright, you always mean well, you're helping me," that sort of thing.
And here I am sitting there knowing exactly what I am, and realized that none of you understand just how much of a walking liability I am.(edited)
I've got two servers in my sidebar right now that I'm trolling.
They think I'm some dude who's like a sophomore, and I'm being bullied for some weird kink and I'm depressed.
You know what the plan is today?
GaigeDaMechToday at 10:53 AM
What is it?
epicfacethe3rdToday at 10:55 AM
Around 8:00, i'm going to pretend to kill myself, my buddy is going to post a photo of me with a gun and a lot of special affects to make it look like i blew my brains out.
And then five minutes later we're going to go PSYCH! and thirty people are going to flood the server and spam it with gore.
And it's going to be funny as shit.
That's what I am.
GaigeDaMechToday at 10:55 AM
Quite the edgelord, huh?
Yeah, sounds like a bit too much, even for someone like me who wouldn't mind a little bit of edge.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 10:56 AM
No, just find doing shit like this to people funny.
I enjoy getting a rise out of people.
GaigeDaMechToday at 10:56 AM
Oh, okay, more like a provocateur type of person.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 10:57 AM
I've faked suicides online to get a reaction from people before. And it's funny as shit.
Like me and my buddies have been trolling this poor server for weeks.
And here you guys are telling me I'm not an awful person.
GaigeDaMechToday at 10:58 AM
I mean, we tell you that because we naturally see people as (mostly) inherently good people.
But I can see where you're getting to with provoking other people at that other server like that.
I... can't really hate you for that, sadly, but most I can say about that is that it's on you if you get something coming your way for that.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:00 AM
Let me spell it out more clearly. Would a good person have something like this saved to their phone?
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:01 AM
Of course not, let alone have it showing in public or even at home
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:01 AM
This isn't even the worst of it.
I have goatse, the pony cum jar, lemon part, people who've blown their head off with a shotgun, you get the idea.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:02 AM
Yep, the classics
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:02 AM
And I find it absolutely hilarious when people run into then on accident.
In my case that makes me a walking liability.
And that's not even the biggest issue to me
The biggest issue to me is something that I literally can't figure out how to say.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:03 AM
Try your best to word it, then
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:03 AM
I'm fucking clenching my teeth trying to find a way to word it and I can't.
Not  even like a basic version of it.
I literally have zero words to describe it.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:04 AM
That's fine, I understand your feelings on that either way.
But I'm having a bit of a chuckle right now because you're forgetting how you're basically breaking the terms of service shit.
Lemme quote it:
As an example, you agree not to use the Service in order to:
* post, upload, transmit or otherwise disseminate information that is objectionable as outlined in our Community Guidelines;
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:05 AM
Yeah I know.
Trust me, I run a server.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:06 AM
And yet you're lucky enough to be getting away with it for now without having gotten royally decked.
You bastard.
but not in the most negative tone
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:07 AM
Well because people hit ban instead of report.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:07 AM
Banning is just simple enough as is and does the job.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:07 AM
They never even think about the TOS or that they could actually stop someone.
And that just makes it even funnier
Maybe if you guys accepted I'm a walking liability I would be able too.
But...
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:09 AM
You tried, you tried...
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:09 AM
Yeah pretty much.
Nobody is ok with me saying I'm an awful person.
Alica argued with me for like ten minutes.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:10 AM
That's because they don't want to come off as jerks themselves.
It goes against their nature to act like a dick the entire time.
I know that fact, so I'm instinctively being condescending at most.
Just condescending, not full-on hatred.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:12 AM
I guess that's what bothers me for that. I can't relate to that feeling. I appreciate honest criticism no matter how awful and think of someone lying to you to not make you mad as tantamount to betrayal.
I can't imagine lying to someone to keep them happy, because I've only ever seen that go sour.
It never turns out for the better.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:14 AM
Honestly, you're pathetic, not because of you yourself being a dick and all, but because you were trying too hard to make people hate you. But at most, people like us would be apologetic to you.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:15 AM
Yeah I'm pathetic. But what about the people who lie thinking it will make things better?
You loose your honesty and the person you're trying to help feel better.
In essence, you give up one thing to save another and you loose both.
And people do it over
And over
And over again
Thinking "if I do it this time, it'll be different"
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:17 AM
That's the textbook definition of 'insanity', epic.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:17 AM
Yep.
That's why I don't do it.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:17 AM
Insanity can only take you so far before the diminishing returns kick in.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:18 AM
It's longer than you think for this case, because for some reason society has made people think lies solve all your problems.
And that couldn't be further from the truth.
And every time I see people doing it that are older and should be wiser than me
I die a little bit inside
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:20 AM
Well, they were raised on much different values, so it's not like you can entirely fault them on that.
As a whole, the younger generation is funny enough the wiser one because they have plenty of time to get the right kind of knowledge and wisdom.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:21 AM
It doesn't make it hurt any less.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:23 AM
Yeah, I already understand your issues from your viewpoint at this point.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:27 AM
Honestly if someone from the server just dm'd me a "Fuck you faggot you're everything wrong with the circle" it would be easier for me to come back.
But I already know that won't happen
You guys are from a different place.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:28 AM
Because we're not that kind of degenerates.
We're degenerates in the sense that we make (mostly) cleaner humor, but we wouldn't be the "edgy" kind of degenerates.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:29 AM
It doesn't take a degenerate to say that. It takes someone who's pissed off and wants to lash out.
Hell it doesn't even take that
There is no way in hell that everyone in the circle feels all this compassion for me.
There is SOMEONE who hates me. And that doesn't want to speak up.(edited)
That hurts. Not for me, but for them
That they are so deluded that they don't want to tell the truth out of fear of hurting my feelings
That that will eventually hurt someone else through me.
That kills me.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:33 AM
You can only try everyone's patience there so much, but they must've had thick skin, so it's not like it's working your way anyways.
You can probably try harder, but then again, probably wouldn't work either.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:34 AM
That's the thing. I'm not trying at all.
I know what I have done pissed off people.
And they don't want to speak up.
Probably because I spend the most time trying to get people back on their feet.
I guess that's part of what set me off, fusi giving me the landlord role.
No way in hell do I deserve that.
What happens some day if I decide it would be funny to troll the circle?
I would be an admin. I could do what I want
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:37 AM
Kicked Upstairs
They will find a way to shower you rather than simply kick you out.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:37 AM
Pretty much, yeah.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:37 AM
Because they don't want to come off as dicks.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:38 AM
And I know it's not intentional. That they aren't trying to make me feel bad, that they're trying to comfort me by patting me on the back.
And I'm just sitting here with blood on my hands going
"Why the fuck are you doing this to me?"
"You should be doing the opposite of this. This isn't helping. "
"Stop, i'm a monster"
And their only response is to keep doing it.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:41 AM
You're picking the wrong kind of people with those bloodied hands.
They're actually killing you with kindness, that's what.
Getting killed with kindness is a different kind of terrifying for you.
At least it's more noticeable if you were killed with hatred.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:43 AM
Because I know what I can do. And they think I don't do this stuff often, or I'm overplaying it
If anything
I'm underplaying it
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:43 AM
I see, I see...
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:44 AM
It hurts so much to be praised for my actions when I know they come out to a net negative
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:46 AM
Well, that's what ya kinda get, that's all I can say about it, sadly.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:46 AM
All I've seen people tell me over and over and over the last few days is "thank you"
I can't fucking stand it
It hurts too goddamn much to see, and it's all people have been telling me.
I didn't know how to tell alica "this is not me. This is god working through me. Stop praising me and thanking me, I deserve none of it."
I just kept leaving out that "this is god working through me" part
Because it never makes sense to people. I'm not possessed by him or anything.
I'm just doing exactly what I think he wants me to do. I've devoted my life to that.
And when I stray...
Awful awful awful things happen.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:52 AM
Ah, okay.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:52 AM
That real me comes out to play.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:52 AM
Gah, already feeling uncomfortable reading through all this at this point
Yeah, I'm already seeing your real side with this
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:53 AM
You're starting to understand now, aren't you?
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:53 AM
mmhm
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:54 AM
Whatever it is I can't bring myself to say?
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:54 AM
Yeah, what with things as far back as your rant over that spat between Jason, Shogi, and Neko.
mmhm
I mean, you got what you deserved. That's all I can say at this point.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:55 AM
I guess.
I just wish that one day, that real me would vanish.
But that won't ever happen. I'm human.
As long as I exist, that real me is a ticking time bomb.
Because the second I slip with my relationship with god,
It comes out.
And I'm so goddamn through with the real me.
I can't fucking stand myself anymore.
I'm a monster, through and through.
GaigeDaMechToday at 11:57 AM
Well, you do you, then.
I can't really dictate about how you should live with that.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 11:58 AM
That's the thing. I don't know how to.
I don't know how to just "do me"
I don't know if I'll come back or stay, I don't know if I can be happy or sad, I don't know any of it.
Worst of all, I don't know what any of those decisions would mean for me.
It's like walking in limbo, but it's been that way for a week.
If you want to share this with anyone please do.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:01 PM
Alright, then.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:01 PM
I don't know if you can put it into words either, but the dms alone should help people understand at least a little bit.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:02 PM
Alright, I'll keep that in mind, then.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:02 PM
If nothing else, how awful I am.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:02 PM
Mmhm, pretty much.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:04 PM
God, I hate my own existence.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:05 PM
We know.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:05 PM
Only way to solve the problem would be to an hero, but guess what the second biggest sin in the bible is?
Suicide.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:05 PM
of course
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:05 PM
So that's not an option and never will be, don't worry.
If it were though holy shit I would be tying a noose right now.
The only thing keeping me alive right now is an undeniable rock solid belief that for some damn reason god wants me alive.
And that will never go away. No matter what I am told, my faith is rock solid.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:08 PM
Glad to hear that, at least.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:09 PM
Fucking sucks it's that rock solid, but hey, that's the way it is. I certainly wouldn't be the first person with a faith as strong as mine to suffer from the direct order of god.
Job lost literally everything and god allowed it. He was teaching the people of Israel that bad things happening to people do not make them bad people.
Imagine a billionaire having his family die save for his wife in a building collapse, he looses all his money, and his wife calls him a faggot and and disgrace to god.
And then he got leprosy.
That's what happened to Job.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:11 PM
Ah, okay.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:12 PM
So yeah, not the first that God has let suffer, certainly will not be the last. And I will follow him to the end regardless.
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:13 PM
Aiight.
epicfacethe3rdToday at 12:14 PM
I forget, you aren't religious right?
Sorry for soapboxing
GaigeDaMechToday at 12:14 PM
Yeah, I'm agnostic at most, even though I was born a Muslim
It's fine, by the way.
Not like religion matters to my life in any way, shape, or form.