Never belonging

Never belonging.

It's no one's fault but my own, but it's frustrating to feel all the factors coming into play here: my health, my priorities, my social anxiety.

My health: I live with chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. These make it incredibly difficult for me to commit to events, such as planned races (especially longer ones) or game nights. If the pain is there, I cannot reliably join, especially if the event involves any sort of speaking chat.

My priorities: my family will always be #1, and I think that's healthy. Because of how young my children are, their needs are pretty immediate, and my wife (as strong and amazing as she is) cannot handle it alone sometimes. Because of this, I cannot take too much time out of my schedule for personal desires. It alienates me from getting more involved with others, and that's a choice I make for the sake of my family.

My social anxiety: self-explanatory. If the above two aren't factors at the time, then this becomes the final hurdle. It's honestly the most present one in day-to-day. Can I finally hang out with someone? Not likely; I have social anxiety that cripples me and prevents me from enjoying time with others. Even though I have social needs, I can't meet them reliably.

Anyway TLDR I want to do more with others but can't reliably because life is hard and it's harder when health sucks. Please know that I don't intentionally avoid people because I don't like you.

Operation Build Confidence and Self-Esteem is still my goal, but it's hard.