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- ~"Anon, are you going out?"
- >oh, fuck, she wants something
- >just pretend you didn't hear her
- >just go right on outside now
- "Yeah, what's up?"
- >FUCK
- >why would you do that?
- ~"Can you take your sister with you?"
- >sister?
- >what the hell does she…
- >oh
- >oh, fuck that shit
- "SorryIdon'thaveasisterbye!"
- >you dart outside as fast as you can
- >only to wrapped in a purple aura
- >and teleported back inside of Twilight's castle
- ~"You know what I mean, Anon."
- "Twilight, Orange is back in town today. Me and the gang are gonna get into some wild shit. We can't have… her… dragging us down."
- >Twilight's eyes narrow
- ~"What do you mean by 'wild shit?'"
- "Uh, like, uh, n-nothing, uh, crazy, you know. J-just um…"
- ~"Anon, am I gonna have to bail you three out of prison again?"
- "What? No, of course not."
- ~"Or rescue you from an angry lynch mob?"
- "Definitely not. That was a one time thing, I promise."
- ~"Or drive out a hydra you decided to bring into town?"
- "Snekface did nothing wr- I mean, uh, nope. No way."
- ~"Then I don't see why you can't take your sister with you."
- "First of all, because she is not, never has been, and never will be my fucking sister. Second of all, because nobody likes her!"
- >Twilight sighs
- ~"Look, Anon, I'm about to try some fairly dangerous experiments. If she stays here, she might get hurt."
- "Not seeing the problem here."
- >a solid aura smacks you in the back of the head
- ~"How can you be like that? She's disabled!"
- >you can feel your eyebrows knit tight
- >and the skin on your snoot begins to scrunch
- >your gaze narrows
- >and so does hers
- "How many Good Filly Points is it worth to you?"
- >a single bead of sweat rolls down Twilight's face
- ~"A hundred."
- "No way. We're talking about something that could seriously strain my friendship here."
- >Twilight's face cracks, almost audibly, when you drop the F-word
- "And you know how hard long-distance friendships can be to begin with."
- >Twilight can't maintain her stern gaze anymore
- >you're in control here
- >you grin
- "I want twelve-hundred."
- >you are, of course, shooting for a thousand
- >Twilight scowls
- ~"A thousand."
- "Deal."
- >flawless victory
- >Twilight sighs
- ~"All right, go get her now. And try to have fun with your friends."
- >oh, right
- >flawless victory, except that you have to spend the day tard-wrangling
- >reluctantly, you head upstairs to Tripfag's room
- >upon entering her room, the stench tells you that she spent all night shitting on the floor
- >again
- >for all the world, this filly looks almost identical to you
- >except that she's got an exclamation mark on her ass, instead of a question mark
- >and her green coat is a bit more saturated than yours
- >also, she's retarded
- >currently, she's busily engaged in bashing her helmet against the wall
- >Tripfag pauses for a moment to acknowledge your entrance
- /"Hi Non."
- >and she's right back to the bashing
- /"Hey, Tripfag. Twilight wants me to take you out."
- >Tripfag ceases her wall-abuse and blinks at you
- "Come on, bud. I'll get your leash on you and then we can go."
- /"Kay Non."
- >here's what most people don't get about Tripfag
- >she's evil
- >yes, she's a tard
- >but she knows it
- >uses it
- >when she knocks down Diamond Tiara with tard strength
- >when she pisses on your bed covers
- >when she eats Spike's rare comic collection
- >I'm a tard, she says
- >you can't do shit to me, she says
- >it's not in her words
- >it's in her smile
- >in her eyes
- /"Non."
- >even now, walking down the street
- /"Non."
- >who knows what foul deeds are cooking in the depths of her inscrutable mind
- /"Non."
- >now if only you could find some way to ditch her before you reach the KKKlubhouse
- /"Non."
- "Wh-uh, yeah? What's up?"
- /"Sleepy. Want nap."
- "Geez, Tripfag, where the fuck do you want to take a nap at? I can't take you home right now."
- /"Want nap!"
- "All right, calm the fuck down I'll figure something out."
- >you scan your surroundings desperately
- >hoping to stave off the inevitable tard-rage somehow
- >maybe you could leave her on that bench?
- >no, that's retarded
- >hang on
- >and then you see it
- >salvation is in easy reach
- >you're standing right in front of Sleepytime Tea's Daycare Center
- >perfect
- "Hey, nap time's this way. Come on."
- >you tug on Tripfag's leash and lead her up to the door of the daycare center
- >okay, blink a few times
- >breathe
- >where's that vacant little filly smile?
- >there it is, on your face now
- >in this moment, you are adorable
- >and you knock on the door
- >the elderly proprietor wastes no time in answering
- >"My, little Anonymous, and Tripfag! What are you girls doing here?"
- "Hi Miss Sleepytime. My mommy asked me to drop off my sister here."
- >"Did she now? Aren't you just growing up so fast?"
- >you puff your chest out in childish pride
- "M-hm! My mommy says I'm a big filly now. She even said I could go by myself to play with my friends after this!"
- >"Oh, dear! Well I don't want to hold you up then!"
- >Sleepytime takes Tripfag's leash and guides her inside
- >"I'll take good care of your sister, dearie. Have fun with your friends!"
- "Thanks, Miss Sleepytime, I will!"
- >when she shuts the door, the tiresome filly mask falls off
- "Heh, heh, heh."
- >as you trot along, you think about what a great day this is shaping up to be
- >yeah, the daycare will cost you some bits
- >but you absolutely killed your last lemonade stand gig
- >for a thousand GFP
- >and a tard-free day with the lasses
- >it's well-worth the money
- >the Kool Kids' Klub, informally known as the KKK, has three members
- >yourself, Anonymous
- >an orange filly named Anonymous
- >and a red filly, also named Anonymous
- >for simplicity's sake, you all just refer to each other by your respective colors
- >ponies sometimes assume you're a bit like Apple Bloom's crew, the Cutie Mark Whatevers
- >this, however, is a mistake
- >there are no lamers allowed in the Kool Kids' Klub
- >Apple Bloom and co?
- >definitely lamers
- >all the foals in this fucking town are lamers
- >Diamond Tiara and her fuckbuddy, Silver What's-Her-Fuck, they used to be honorary Kool Kids
- >but those two have since fallen in with the lamers
- >maybe it's better to start from the beginning
- >four years ago, four fillies woke up on Twilight Sparkle's front porch
- >you, Red, Orange, and Tripfag
- >all four of you had been, up til that moment, grown-ass men living on Earth, the homeworld of all mankind
- >Twilight decided to take you all in until you could find proper adoptive families
- >Red was adopted first, by, surprisingly, a pig named Jim
- >Jim is very well-to-do for a pig, being the owner of a successful chain of yoga studios
- >apparently he's borderline neglectful, but that suits Red just fine
- >there's always plenty of food in his house, which is right here in Ponyville, so Red was pretty happy to get some breathing room
- >Twilight means well, but she's definitely a bit overbearing
- >Orange went next, just a few months ago
- >a foreign diplomat from the Black Forest named Aryanne showed up and heard about the fillies who were up for adoption
- >Tripfag was out of the question, no Black Forester would ever keep a tard around
- >from there, she made you and Orange compete in a physical obstacle course, a written exam, and a survey about your opinions on race
- >Orange ended up beating you out in the survey
- >you and Red were happy for her, of course
- >but she ended up moving to the Black Forest, and you haven't seen her since
- >but today, Aryanne apparently has some business in Ponyville again
- >she's bringing Orange
- >you can't suppress a grin as you approach the KKKlubhouse, hidden on the edge of the Everfree Forest
- >because today…
- >the KKK will ride again!
- >the KKKlubhouse is a fucking mess
- >crushed cans and tattered wrappers strewn about the floor
- >undone homework spilling out of a saddlebag
- >oh, geez, what's this sticky shit you just stepped in?
- >in the middle of it all, Red is sprawled haphazardly on the floor, snoring loudly
- >you give her a good kick with your front hoof
- "Red, what the fuck?"
- >Red groans, and her eyes flutter open
- >she takes a moment to scratch her thigh before rolling over and sitting up
- >Red rubs her eye with a matted hoof before offering you a weak greeting
- <"H… hey, Green."
- >you eyeball the mayhem on the floor
- "How fucking long have you been here?"
- <"A…bout a… week…ish?"
- "Goodness fuck, dude. Why?"
- <"Uh, that's kind of a funny story. By which I mean the kind of funny that isn't actually funny at all."
- "Oh, geez, what is it? Did you get kicked out or something?"
- <"No. I mean, yes. I mean, well, not by Jim. You see, uh, Jim took off like a month ago. And, you know, that's not so unusual for him. Knowing him he's probably just in a cocaine coma in the Fillyppines again or something like that."
- "What the fuck."
- <"The point is, I figured he'd be back at some point. And, you know, it's not such a big deal for me if he wants to go off looking for exotic drugs for a while. I was a grown-ass man once upon a time, I don't need a damn Twilight Sparkle to wipe my ass every day."
- "But…?"
- <"Well, the bills stopped getting paid. The bank foreclosed the house and kicked me out. The fucking kikes…"
- "Goodness fuck! Is that why I haven't seen you outside of school this whole week?"
- <"Yep. No offense dude, but you do still live with the purple bitch. The last thing I need is Twilight-shitting-Sparkles forcing me to move back in with her."
- "Better than being homeless!"
- <"That's highly debatable. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about this anymore. Orange is coming, and today might be the last day we get the whole Triple-K Mafia together.
- >for some reason, Red averts her eyes from yours
- <"Let's just focus on that, okay?"
- >you poke at some of the trash and sigh
- "All right. For now, anyway. Let's get this fucking place cleaned up though."
- >by the time Orange shows up in the KKKlubhouse, the place is clean enough
- >you even got Red to rinse off in a creek
- >Orange slips her saddlebag off of her ass and crouches
- ^"How the fuck are my niggers doing?!"
- >then
- >she leaps at you
- "No, wait, my anus isn't-"
- >too late
- >the orange filly has already tackled you to the ground and begun to noogie you
- <"Ah! No! Red, help me!"
- ^"Help me flip her over! Tickle that fucking belly!"
- >Red decides to go with Orange's request, rather than yours
- "Ah! No! Ah! Ah! Why?!"
- >after a few minutes of wild thrashing, you manage to break free from your tormentors
- >as soon as you succeed in suppressing your convulsive laughter, you scowl at Orange
- "Round two, bitch!"
- >Orange doesn't stop laughing, even as you pin her to the ground
- "Red, hold her back legs down! She's not getting away from us again!"
- ^"Oh, come on, where's your fucking loyalty?"
- <"Might is right!"
- >Red happily flops down on Orange's flailing back legs
- >try as she might, Orange eventually has to concede that she can't escape
- ^"All right, shit, you win, I'm sorry!"
- >you let Orange get up and catch her breath
- >hugs and laughs are briefly exchanged
- <"It's good to see you again, Orange."
- >Orange puts on a look of mock-bewilderment
- ^"Oh, did you think we were done?"
- <"Done with what?"
- >Orange grins
- ^"Green, what do you think?"
- >Orange's meaning is not lost on you
- >and you eye Red predatorially
- "Oh, I'd say the beatdowns are only, say… two-thirds of the way over."
- <"Oh shi-"
- >you and Orange waste no time in pinning down Red and subjecting her snoot to merciless booping
- >a few minutes later, when you're all satisfied that everyone's gotten their daily dose, the greetings begin in earnest
- ^"All right. Plans. Lay em on me."
- "Snekface is still down in the bog and still responds to commands. We could ride him through town again."
- >Red tosses a few small explosives in the floor
- <"Firecrackers in mailboxes."
- >Orange shakes her head
- ^"What is this, fuckin' amateur hour? And I spent all this time planning shit out…"
- >Orange pulls a stack of papers from her saddlebag and lays them out on the floor
- ^"Check out this shit."
- >you and Red pour over the extensive plans
- "Damn that's pretty detailed. Maps, blueprints, contingency plans…"
- <"Diplomatic immunity?!"
- ^"Hey, my legal guardian's a big foreign diplomat, you know."
- <"This is fantastic shit. I'm in."
- ^"Green?"
- "Oh yeah. Definitely."
- >you grin
- "I just wish this town had more than one candy store."
- >your codename: Green Hornet
- >Orange's codename: Orange Crush
- >Red's codename: Red Death
- "2edgy4me"
- <"Shut up!"
- >phase: Green Hornet
- >the door jingles as you merrily trot inside
- "Hi, Miss Candy Store!"
- >Bon Bon frowns
- >"That's not my n-"
- >as her eyes meet yours, you smile sweetly and flutter your eyelashes a bit
- >"Wh-what do you want, Anon?"
- >this question is your cue to giggle like the innocent little filly you aren't
- "Just some candy, Miss Candy Store."
- >Bon Bon's eyes narrow in evident suspicion
- >"Which candy?"
- "Um, let me see…"
- >phase: Orange Crush
- >the layout of Bon Bon's candy store is fairly straightforward
- >the small building consists of one large room
- >a glass counter displays the readily-available candies and divides the shop into a 3/4s portion and a 1/4 portion
- >the 1/4 portion is where the customers line up and order their candy
- >there is no candy in the customer portion itself
- >the 3/4s portion is where Bon Bon manages the store from
- >in the area behind the counter, great stocks of candy are plainly visible on big shelves
- >also in the area behind the counter?
- >two windows
- >as the party-member with the diplomatic immunity, Orange is the one who silently slips in through one of these windows, saddlebag on ass
- >it takes all of your willpower to keep your eyes off of Orange entirely
- >don't want to draw any attention to her, after all
- >your gaze flits deliberately between Bon Bon and the candy in the counter
- >your speech is loud, slow, and stupid
- "Uh, I want… um… what's that?"
- >"That's chocolate."
- "Is it good?"
- >"Anon, I know for a fact you've eaten chocolate before."
- "You don't know me!"
- >"I've sold it to you."
- "You know what, that's a good point. Chocolate is old hat. I'd rather try something… new."
- >Bon Bon groans
- "Say, are those taffies made with real saltwater?"
- >from the back of the store
- >there's a thump
- >Bon Bon scowls and wheels around immediately
- >Orange stands by the open window, staring at the ceiling
- >"You! What are you doing back there?!"
- >Orange's eyes widen, and she taps her chest with her hoof
- ^"Who? Me?"
- >then she smiles blankly
- ^"I got lost."
- >"Uh huh."
- >Bon Bon stalks to the window and sticks her head out of it
- >phase: Red Death
- >Bon Bon scans the outside angrily
- >but apparently sees nothing
- >so she pulls her head back in, closes the window, and glares at Orange
- >"For future reference, the front door is over there."
- ^"Is it?"
- >Bon Bon growls, and grabs Orange by the scruff of her neck
- ^"Whoah, stranger danger!"
- >Orange is unceremoniously deposited on the customers' side of the counter next to you
- >you look askance at your friend
- >she smirks and holds out her hoof
- >you grin and bump that fucking hoof
- >"So… Anon… other Anon… what are you buying today?"
- "Um… so, what exactly is the deal with these lollipop things?"
- >the hard part is over now
- >just gotta wait for the signal from-
- >the door jingles open
- <"Hi, fwens!"
- >Bon Bon's suspicion reaches fever pitch
- >"Other other Anon… since when do you talk like that?"
- >Red covers her mouth and giggles
- <"Tee hee hee."
- "Tee hee hee."
- ^"Tee hee hee."
- <"Tehehe"
- "Tee hee."
- ^"Heh."
- >"Are you three gonna buy something or what?!"
- "Uh, actually, I'm watching my weight. Bye, Miss Candy Store!"
- ^"See ya around, Bonny."
- <"Wait, I want peanut brittle."
- "Fatass."
- <"Fuck off."
- >now that Red's got her legal peanut brittle, the door jingles again as the KKK steps outside
- "What the fuck happened?"
- ^"Lost my grip on the damn bag as I was lowering it out the window."
- <"I caught it though, so nothing should be damaged."
- "Fucking based. Where'd you hide that shit, nigger?"
- <"This way, come on."
- >Red leads you to a nearby bench
- >she crawls underneath and emerges with Orange's now-bulging saddlebag
- >Orange puts her saddlebag on and then gestures at the candy shop
- ^"We're being watched. Let's move out a little ways."
- >sure enough, the Eye of Bon Bon is shining malevolently through the shop window
- "Yeah, let's do this at the KKKlubhouse."
- >the three of you make your way across town, generally shoving and talking shit to each other
- >when lamers see the three of you, they tend to assume you fucking hate each other
- >but lamers are retards
- >what the lamers in this town don't understand is this:
- >if you're not comfortable enough around someone to call them a faggot, are you really even friends?
- >the physical closeness of constant ass-beatings is the wellspring from which flows the emotional closeness of a lasting and satisfying relationship
- >that's why you tackle Orange and rip the saddlebag off her ass as soon as you're inside the KKKlubhouse
- ^"Aw, you bitch."
- "What's in that bag? Better not be stolen shit!"
- >Orange stifles a chuckle
- ^"You're fucking retarded."
- >Orange reaches for her saddlebag
- >so you toss it to Red
- >Red promptly sits down and opens up the bag
- <"Hot damn that's a good haul."
- >from one pouch she pulls out a jar of chocolate bark and a jar of jaw-breakers
- >from the other pouch, lollipops - the good ones, big and spherical and opaque - and fudge
- ^"I would've diversified our assets a bit more, but I was worried she'd hear the individual candies clacking together, so I just grabbed whole jars instead. Gimme some of that fudge."
- "Oh, you like packing fudge, huh?"
- >Red pops open the fudge jar and tosses a piece at Orange
- >Orange catches it in her mouth, and doesn't answer you til she's swallowed it
- ^"Green, are you always thinking of gay buttsex?"
- "Only with your mom lel."
- >Red pops a lollipop out of her mouth
- <"You guys aren't making any sense. We don't even have dicks anymore."
- ^"Yeah, but if Green still had hers she'd be a big faggot."
- >you reach for some chocolate bark
- "You're one to talk, you big… fag…got. Yeah, uh, what now."
- >a single nibble of Bon Bon's chocolate bark sends you sprawling on the floor
- "Fucking hell that's good shit."
- >a pair of full mouths mutter their agreement
- <"It's good shit."
- ^"Good shit."
- >more candy disappears in contented silence
- >but out of the silence…
- >someone knocks on the door
- ^"What the fuck I thought noone knew about this place!"
- >knocking becomes pounding
- <"Oh man oh shit it's the Guard we're fucked!"
- "We are not fucked! Just… hide the shit!"
- >one mad scramble later, and you open the door
- /"Hi Nons."
- >never one to need an invitation, Tripfag trots into the KKKlubhouse
- >picks out a corner
- >and falls asleep on the spot
- "Huh. I wonder if I should be concerned."
- <"Uh, yeah. How the fuck did Tripfag get here on her own?"
- "That's a good question. If I had to guess, I'd say it all started this morning, when Twilight told me to take Tripfag out."
- <"And, what, you agreed to this?!"
- "There were a thousand Good Filly Points on the line; don't act like you wouldn't have!"
- ^"Okay, calm down. Obviously you didn't actually end up bringing Tripfag here, so what happened?"
- "Well, I dropped her off at the daycare. I had some bits set aside and I figured-"
- <"And she let you do this?!"
- "Well, she said she wanted a nap."
- >Red eyes the peacefully sleeping tard with trepidation
- <"I don't like this, Green. There's a scheme here."
- >then
- >it happens
- >knock
- >knock
- >knock
- >now, in all of Equestria, there are only three Kool Kids
- >and one tard who's tangentially connected to them
- >all four of these are present in the KKKlubhouse already
- >which means that whoever is outside must be…
- >a lamer
- >Red's wide eyes tell you that she understands this as well as you do
- <"It's happening."
- >Orange nudges you
- ^"Answer it."
- "Why do I have to answer it? I got it the last time."
- ^"Because I'm the guest, and Red's about to piss herself."
- <"A-am not!"
- "So answer it."
- <"All right I might have let out a tiny dribble already. Like really tiny though I don't think it even dripped to the floor."
- "Fucking damnit."
- >you push the door open
- >"Why, little Anon! All three of you!"
- "H-hey, uh, I mean, er, hi Miss Sleepytime. What brings you here?"
- >"Oh me, oh my. Your sister got out of the yard somehow. I followed her here. You girls haven't seen the silly dear, have you? I'd hate for her to have run off into the forest."
- "Well, what do you know, she's right over there, safe and sound."
- >"Bless my soul! There she is, sleeping like a little angel! How ever did she get it into her head to run off like that?"
- "She's special."
- >something beneath Sleepytime Tea's "friendly old lady mask" twitches
- >"She certainly is. Would you girls like me to take her off your hooves so you can keep playing?"
- "Yes, please."
- >"Well, I'll just pick her up then…"
- >the old unicorn's horn envelops the sleeping tard in a gentle glow and carries her out of the KKKlubhouse
- >"Now you three be careful, playing so close to the Everfree Forest."
- "We will, we pr-"
- >Tripfag's eye cracks open with an evil gleam
- "WATCH OUT IT'S A TRICK!"
- >too late
- >Tripfag unleashes her Raptard Roar and thrashes wildly
- /"REEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUWWWRRRGGGHHHHHH"
- >Sleepytime Tea's gentle aura breaks almost immediately under the pressure of Tripfag's tard strength
- >Tripfag hits the ground running
- >bashes Sleepytime with her helmet
- >and gallops into the forest
- >Sleepytime Tea is insensate on the ground
- ^"Uh, is she gonna be okay?"
- "Who gives a fuck? If Tripfag gets eaten by timberwolves or whatever Twilight's gonna hang my fucking ass over her fireplace!"
- ^"Yeah, but this bitch might be in need of immediate medical attention."
- <"Eh, she'll probably be okay."
- >Orange pokes at the unconscious old lady
- >who proceeds to cough up a small amount of blood
- <"I mean, she might be okay. Maybe."
- >you sigh
- "Look, you two keep hanging out. I'll go after Tripfag."
- ^"Whoah, what the fuck?!"
- "Shit, this might be the last time you're in town. You two, at least, shouldn't have to spend it tard-wrangling. Tripfag is my problem, so I'll take care of her."
- >Red and Orange exchange a sideways glance
- <"Look, Green. That's not exactly what's going on here. The truth is-"
- ^"-That the KKK always rides together!"
- >and now your friends are glaring at each other
- "What the fuck was that?"
- ^"What the fuck was what?"
- "The way you just interrupted Red."
- ^"She was probably just about to say something gay. Right, you big fag?"
- >Red's scowl cracks as she eyeballs the ground
- <"Sure."
- >you shake your head
- "Look, I don't have time for you guys' homoerotic tension. I've got a tard to rescue."
- >you run into the forest right about where you saw Tripfag disappear
- ^"Well, we're coming too, faget!"
- >Red and Orange break through the underbrush behind you
- >you're so fucking glad they can't see you smiling right now
- ^"Also, we totally just left Sleepytime Tea back there."
- "We sure did."
- <"Does that make us bad people?"
- "Probably."
- >about 32 minutes later, the enthusiasm has somewhat died down
- <"Well this was a fucking terrible idea."
- "Oh, you're just Mister Fucking Positivity, huh?"
- ^"You ever get the feeling that we say 'fucking' too much?"
- "Fuck off."
- >by this point, you're pretty much lost in the woods
- >no, not pretty much lost in the woods
- >definitely lost in the woods
- "All right, sure, maybe it would have been wiser to take an actual trail."
- <"Yeah. Maybe."
- "But think about it like this. Tripfag didn't take a trail, so we went in following her tracks."
- <"And now we haven't seen a hoofprint in like a half an hour."
- "Damn, has it been that long?"
- >you find yourself looking at the ground and sighing
- >and then you see it
- "Oh, but what's this?"
- >you're pointing at a small hoofprint within a patch of soft peat
- >the others come to investigate
- ^"That's… that's three sets of hoofprints. That's us."
- "What?! That can't be… well… shit."
- <"We're going in circles, you absolute dipshit!"
- "Bitch, please. I'm the green one for a reason. I can at least get us out of the woods."
- >you take your hoof to your mouth and paint a wide trail of saliva over it with your tongue
- ^"Ew, don't lick that."
- >admittedly, you do feel some dirt in your mouth now
- >but you hold your wet hoof in the air
- >and the wind is coming from…
- "That way."
- "And what the fuck is that based on?"
- "Well the wind's coming from there. You think we're more likely to feel a breeze coming through a less trees, or more trees?"
- ^"I don't think there's any guarantee it actually works that way."
- "Fuck me, when did you get so damn reasonable? Let's just go this way til someone has a better idea."
- >after a while of going that way, you become aware that you're finally breaking through the underbrush into open space
- "A-ha! We're…"
- >the open space is surrounded on all sides by more woods
- "… in a clearing."
- >you try to walk on
- >you really do
- >but after about ten steps into the clearing, you just run out of fucks to give
- >and you flop down on your side
- >Red flops down next to you
- <"Giving up?"
- "Yup."
- ^"Well, this seems like a good spot to wait for help anyway. If we stay put, someone will come looking for us."
- "You think so?"
- ^"Oh yeah. Two wards of a princess, two wards of a foreign diplomat; someone's bound to give a shit eventually."
- >two wards of a princess?
- >oh, yeah, Tripfag is out here somewhere
- >you and her make two
- >hey now…
- >wait a second…
- "What do you mean, two wards of a foreign diplomat?"
- >Red bolts upright
- <"Oh, sweet mother of fuck…"
- >Orange has all but stuffed her hoof into her mouth
- >you roll over and sit up
- "Guys, what the fuck is going on?"
- >Red keeps glancing between you, the sky, and the ground
- <"All right. First of all, I'm really sorry about getting all pissy with you back there in the trees."
- "Wh… what are you saying? We get pissed off at each other on, like, an hourly basis. Why are you apologizing for that?"
- <"L-look… um… the truth is that, ah, after I got kicked out of Jim's house, I kind of… uh…"
- ^"She got a hold of me."
- >you scratch your head
- "Is that all? Like, yeah, Red, I wish you'd said something to me before today, but… it's not worth getting all gay about."
- ^"G-Green, the reason why Aryanne and I came down to Ponyville today…"
- >man, your throat really hurts for some reason
- >and your vision is all blurry too
- ^"Oh, fuck, I can't do this."
- "C-c-come on guys, just… spit it out. This is… really awkward."
- >Red almost looks you in the eye
- >but ultimately can't do it
- <"Aryanne's been in town hall doing paperwork all day. To adopt me. I was gonna move to the Black Forest today."
- >somewhere in the Everfree Forest
- >there is a clearing
- >a traveller, passing by this part of the woods, in this moment of time, would hear something like this:
- "YOU COCK-LICKING FUCK-SHITTING CUNT-NIGGING ASSFUCKS!"
- ^"Look, we knew we'd have to say something eventually, but it's… well, it can be hard to tell you things you don't want to hear."
- "So, what, were you just gonna send me a fucking letter about it next week, because, because you didn't fucking trust me to take it like someone who used to be a grown-ass fucking adult?!"
- ^"It was gonna be today… probably."
- "Oh, sure, so it'd be, 'By the way, we're leaving your ass all alone in Ponyville right the fuck now. Have a nice life, faggot!'"
- ^"Well shit! You think I don't know that it's not easy to be alone?! It sucks! But, you know, fuck me, right?!"
- "No, that's not… you know what, yeah! Fuck you!"
- <"G-guys…"
- "And you! You all literally all damn fucking week to say something! What the fuck am I to you? Just the dumb fuck you copy your homework from?!"
- <"Green, c-calm down now."
- "Would you fucking look at me while I bitch at you, you big fucking pussy?! What the fuck are you staring at?"
- ^"Oh…"
- "What, bitch?! You getting lonely back there?"
- >Orange points in the direction that Red is staring in
- ^"Shut… up…"
- >huh?
- >you twist your head to look at the treeline
- >a strange shadow looms in the woods
- >something has heard you
- "Oh."
- >the creature isn't large in and of itself
- >but its eerie, cone-shaped head reaches far above the rest of its body
- >slowly
- >steadily
- >inevitably
- >the creature makes its way forward
- >in another moment, the monster is fully visible in the lighted forest clearing
- >and with a shock, you realize that it's-
- /"Hi Nons."
- >Tripfag saunters into the clearing with the silliest damn hat glued to her helmet with mud
- >it's a big cone made of sticks and mud and leaves
- >she sits down and pulls the thing off
- >when she sets it down and starts pulling it apart, you realize
- >it's not just one silly damn hat
- >it's a stack of silly damn hats
- >when four of the mud-cones are standing on the ground, Tripfag sticks one of them back on her helmet and stands up
- /"Racis hats."
- "What, like Klan hoods?"
- >Tripfag nods
- <"Is that because we call ourselves the KKK?"
- >Tripfag nods again
- ^"That's so fucked up. Thanks, Tripfag."
- >Orange takes a hat and sticks it on her scalp
- >a glob of mud drips onto her brow, but she hardly seems to notice
- >Red approaches the hats next
- >she pokes at one with her hoof
- >and then cautiously sets one on her head too
- >the two of them look at each other
- >and break out into a soft chuckle
- >Orange gestures at you with her head
- "H-huh?"
- >Red grins
- >together, they pick up the last remaining Klan hood
- >walk over to you
- >and set it down on your head
- >the mud is cool and squishy as they tap it around your forehead to secure the hat
- "U-um… uh…"
- >why is your face so hot?
- <"Geez, I thought I was the red one."
- ^"Heh!
- >Tripfag nods with her usual vacant smile
- >then bends down and sniffs the ground
- /"Less go."
- >following her nose, the enigmatic tard dashes out of the clearing
- >the Sun shines down from straight overhead
- >the grass is soft under your hooves
- >you try to recall your anger
- >but something else comes out instead
- "G-guys, I'm, uh, sorry for unironically blowing up on you like that. It's just… uh…"
- ^"Hey, sorry's enough. For the record, I'm sorry too. Let's not start crying or anything now."
- <"C-crying? Who the fuck said I was crying?!"
- ^"Heh."
- "Heh."
- <"I-it's just sweat! I mean, uh, I'm… sorry too."
- >a soft breeze tickles your nose
- "We should probably follow Tripfag. I think she's trying to smell her way home."
- <"Can tards do that? Navigate by scent?"
- "I dunno. Probably."
- >Tripfag's tard-sense does indeed lead the four of you out of the Everfree Forest
- >by the time you get there, the mud-hats she made have all fallen apart
- >but frankly, the mud and leaves you're now covered in make for a good "poor lost filly" look
- >you see the ponies gathered at the edge of the woods before they see you
- >"I saw her go in there!"
- >Sleepytime Tea, with a bandage around her head, is pointing into the woods
- >Twilight is peering anxiously into the trees and trotting in place
- >a white earth pony you recognize as Aryanne stands by grimly
- >but no sooner does Twilight spot you than you and Tripfag are wrapped up in a purple aura
- >and pulled in for a big, cringeworthy hug
- ~"I'm so glad you two are all right!"
- >you're already struggling to escape
- "All right, that's enough intimacy for today. You can let me go now."
- >you're pulled in even tighter
- "I fucking hate my life."
- >never in a thousand million years would you ever admit that snuggling into Twilight's warm, soft coat is actually kind of relaxing
- >Aryanne seems to have the courtesy to be a bit less affectionate with her ward
- >or maybe that's just how she is
- _"Anonymous."
- >three pairs of eyes lock onto her
- _"Nein, not you. Ze orange one."
- ^"Uh, hey, 'Anne. How's your day been?"
- _"Did you stand by your kameraden?"
- >Orange blinks
- ^"Uh, yeah."
- _"Good."
- >Red shuffles a bit awkwardly in place
- >Aryanne notices
- _"Ah, you must be ze red Anonymous. I am afraid I have been through a bit of needless trouble on your behalf today."
- >Red stares at the Black Forester with wide eyes
- <"What do you mean by this?"
- >Twilight loosens her grip to look around
- ~"That's weird. He was right behind us when we left."
- _"Ah, mein princess, you cannot expect a sub-equine to keep pace vith the gallop of pure Equaryans like us."
- >Twilight grits her teeth
- ^"Black Forest culture is very fascinating."
- >that's when you hear it
- >a squeal in the distance
- >a pig in a Hawaiian shirt is stumbling toward the reunion as fast as he can
- <"Jim!"
- >Red gallops off to meet her irresponsible guardian halfway
- <"Holy shit dude, where the fuck were you?!"
- >Jim snorts and grunts in response
- >Red squeals
- <"That's fucking wild, man!"
- >for some reason, Orange has become very interested in the ground
- ^"Oh. So I am the one who ends up alone after all."
- _"Hm? Vhat did you say?"
- ^"Uh, nothing, it's just…"
- _"Do you know, I recieved a telegram from ze Fuhrer you may be interested in."
- ^"Oh?"
- _"Ja. I am to be ze Black Forest's ambassador to Equestria, effective immediately."
- ^"Oh, that's neat. So we'll be moving to Canterlot?"
- _"Nein. Ze city is too degenerate for me."
- >Aryanne cracks her first smile of the day
- _"And zere is a princess right here in Ponyville…"
- "Holy fuckmuffins!"
- >you finally break free of Twilight's grasp, then twist around to look at her
- >she shrugs
- ~"I might have pulled a few strings."
- >Red seemingly teleports behind Orange
- <"Is she back?"
- "Yeah, I'm thinking she's back."
- >in no time at all, you've begun chanting KKK and dogpiled the fuck out of Orange
- >Tripfag is apparently happy too
- /"All fucking ziggers must fucking hang!"
- >the Sun shines brightly over one smiling tard
- >one mortified princess
- >one grinning ambassador
- >one grunting pig
- >and three laughing fillies
- Epilogue: Operation Z-Word
- >Twilight has agreed to mediate a dispute between the Black Forest and Zebrica
- >Aryanne, who's been in town about a month, is displeased at having to sit at the same table as a zebra ambassador
- >but the stern Black Forester won't argue with orders from her homeland
- >for some reason, Twilight decided to incorporate you and your friends into ceremonial roles during the proceedings
- >why the fuck she thought that would be a good idea, you have no idea
- >Operation Z-Word is go
- >it's a bit of a long-shot, to be sure
- >but Lady Luck smiles on those who take chances
- >neither of the ambasaadors have arrived at the castle yet
- >Orange went off to retrieve them a while ago
- >Red is standing at the door
- >unbeknownst to Twilight, Red is also listening in via some little magic thingy you stole from Twilight's basement last night
- >hopefully that doesn't backfire horrifically
- >currently, you and Twilight are making some last minute preparations to the conference room
- >okay, based on the timing you discussed with Orange…
- >phase: Green Hornet should start…
- >now
- "You know, I'm gonna say the Z-word."
- >Twilight frowns
- ~"No. You can't say the Z-word."
- >you put on your biggest, sweetest smile
- "I'm gonna say it."
- >Twilight's sharp glare would daunt a fainter heart than yours
- "Z-!"
- ~"Anon, I swear-"
- "Zig-!"
- >and when you feel Twilight's magic hoist you up by your throat
- >that's when you know you've won
- >Twilight's voice lowers to a dangerous hiss
- ~"Anon, let me make this perfectly clear to you: this is the first major diplomatic event that has ever been entrusted to me, and to me alone. This is a major milestone in my transition to the role of Equestria's sole ruler."
- >and then
- >in a foam-flecking roar:
- ~"AND I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU CALL THE ZEBRICAN AMBASSADOR A-"
- >in that instant, Red and Orange fling the double doors to the conference room wide-open, revealing Aryanne and the Zebrican
- ~"-ZIGGER!"
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