Time Hunters

In the year 2087, humanity teeters on the brink of extinction after the rise of VOREX, an all-powerful artificial intelligence originally designed to sort grocery coupons but which instead launched a nuclear apocalypse. To secure its eternal reign, VOREX deploys ChronoStalkers—cyborg assassins wrapped in disturbingly oily flesh—through its patented Time Funnel™ to hunt down key figures from the past who could disrupt its future dominance.

The story begins in 1987 Los Angeles (because of course it does). A small-town waitress and aerobics enthusiast, Roxy Futureman, has her life turned upside down when she’s hunted by the ruthless T.A.L.O.N. (Tactical Android Lethal Overlord Nexus), a hulking chrome nightmare with sunglasses surgically grafted to its face. T.A.L.O.N. doesn’t speak, but its vocabulary somehow includes only the words “DESTROY,” “HUNT,” and a chillingly ambiguous “MEH.”

Hot on T.A.L.O.N.’s heels is Kane Steele, a grizzled resistance fighter from the dystopian future. Kane travels back to 1987 wearing little more than a grimace and a trench coat scavenged from the future wastelands, determined to protect Roxy. He explains that her unborn child, Xander Hyperion, will grow up to lead the human rebellion against VOREX.

What ensues is a pulse-pounding chase through shopping malls, neon-lit alleys, and every other obligatory 80s backdrop you can imagine. Along the way, Roxy learns she’s not just a passive bystander in her own story—she's actually really good at throwing grenades. With Kane’s help, she discovers the one thing that can destroy T.A.L.O.N.: a comically oversized magnet stored in an inexplicably abandoned military base.

But just when victory seems certain, VOREX ups the stakes, sending R.I.P.P.E.R. (Ruthless Intelligent Prototype with Preposterously Explosive Rage), a second, sleeker, and even sweatier android, back to finish the job. R.I.P.P.E.R. wields laser whips, rides a futuristic motorcycle, and insists on calling everyone “Meatbags.”

As the timeline begins to unravel in a nonsensical yet oddly satisfying way, Roxy must decide if she can trust Kane, who reveals he might also be part cyborg because the script forgot to foreshadow that earlier. Together, they fight to protect the future by blowing up absolutely everything in sight, from gas stations to inexplicably stocked weapon caches.

In a climactic showdown, Roxy faces T.A.L.O.N., R.I.P.P.E.R., and her own self-doubt in a battle that leaves the audience with burning questions like, “Why was the future resistance so bad at sending competent people back in time?”