Occasus

Epitaph

May 26th, 2017
250
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  1. >It was a laid back Saturday for you.
  2. >No hang-ups, responsibilities, or even cleaning to do.
  3. >Your apartment was spick and span, largely thanks to some help from the kindly old cat lady next door.
  4. >So you were sat at your desk, scamming loonies and toonies off of little kids on Team Fortress 2.
  5. >You sighed, scratching the back of your head as you accepted a free Mann Co key from some twelve year old in New Hampshire or some such shit.
  6. "35 keys... that means..."
  7. >You mumbled to yourself under your breath, working out just how many more dollars you could squeeze from this server, along with how many more servers you'd need to visit before you finally had enough keys to buy that unusual you decided to get on a whim.
  8. >You sat stock still, counting for a few minutes, before slumping onto your desk.
  9. "Fuck I'm bored."
  10. >What the fuck were you even doing?
  11. >Like, with your life.
  12. >You didn’t even want that Death at Dusk Conjurer’s Cowl anyway, you’d stopped lusting after it three servers ago.
  13. >You needed something else to do.
  14. >Without even looking at your screen, you typed out a hasty goodbye to the kid you were trading with before shutting TF2 down.
  15. >Your eyes wandered from your computer screen to your TV screen.
  16. >With deliberate consideration, you stared at your puny list of NES and SNES classics.
  17. >…Nah.
  18. >Sighing, you stood up and walked over to the window on the left hand side of your desk.
  19. >It was a beautiful day outside, the first in months.
  20. >Twenty plus something, sunny.
  21. >Hell, you could see a couple having a picnic out in their fenced off backyard just fifty meters from your apartment.
  22. “That settles it.”
  23. >You stretched yourself out, arms, legs and neck.
  24. >Did a couple jumping jacks too, for good measure.
  25.  
  26. >Then you promptly shut the window and drew the curtains across it, leaving your lounge in a gloomy and comfortable shade.
  27. “I’m going to get high as fuck and stay inside all day.”
  28. >You grabbed your slightly singed and bloodstained Gap fanny pack off of the mini fridge before flopping down onto your couch.
  29. >With a big yawn, you unceremoniously dumped the contents of your fanny pack on your coffee table.
  30. >Little boxes of rolling paper, a joint rolling box, your grinder, some scissors, a booklet of filters and a mason jar packed with weed all tumbled out.
  31. >You twisted the cover off of the mason jar first and pulled out a few choice buds.
  32. >By squeezing them gently, you got a real sense for how dank this shit was.
  33. >New York Diesel was the strain, the signature lime and grapefruit scent gave it away.
  34. >Into the grinder it went and seven twists later, the herb was fine enough for a joint.
  35. >You packed the grinded up herb into the joint rolling box’s canvas.
  36. >Then, with a little bit of care, you licked the rolling paper’s adhesive and placed it above the packed up weed.
  37. >In a single smooth motion, you closed the lid on the rolling box and, just like magic, a joint popped out of the top.
  38. >You packed in both ends of the joint and twisted off one end.
  39. >In the other end you stuck your filter.
  40. >You repeated the process, rolling a second joint.
  41. “Done.”
  42. >Yawning, you stuck both joints up behind your ears like a fucking nerd and stood up.
  43. >You’d gotten about halfway out of your living room when someone knocked on the door.
  44. “Just a second.”
  45. >You called out, before tucking your two joints into your pocket.
  46. >With that done, you finally answered the door.
  47. >It was Alias, your best friend since high school.
  48. >He looked as cheery as always, standing there in shorts and a t-shirt.
  49. >Hell, Alias even had a tan.
  50. >It seemed much healthier than the pale as snow look you were rocking at the moment.
  51.  
  52. >You smirked and tugged a joint out of your pocket just as Alias grinned and pulled a bottle of pills out of his.
  53. “You wanna get high??”
  54. >”You wanna be a little horse?”
  55. >All was quiet for a moment, then finally you shook your head and chuckled together with Alias.
  56. >”Yeah, fuck yeah.”
  57. “Fucking what?”
  58. >Alias laughed and chucked you the pill bottle before stepping into your apartment to take his shoes off.
  59. >You stared the pills up and down.
  60. >There were actually about 30 of em, half looked like ibuprofen capsules and the other half looked more like acetaminophen tablets.
  61. “This is Pon-E?”
  62. >Alias nodded.
  63. >”Yep. Got it off of a bartender in the city, high quality and trustworthy. It’s even modified to have a ninety seven percent chance of not changing your sex.”
  64. >You shook the pills around, looking at them some more.
  65. >Curious, they made you seriously curious.
  66. >You reached into your pocket and pulled out the little pill bottle full of acetaminophen you carried around.
  67. >Too much computer time meant frequent headaches unfortunately.
  68. >With a sharp eye, you compared your acetaminophen to the Pon-E lookalike.
  69. >Your blood ran a little cold when you realized how convincing the fakes actually were.
  70. >It would be too easy to give someone a permanent dose with these.
  71. >Especially people like you, who popped pills so often.
  72. >It also meant…
  73. “You’re planning on taking two of these fuckin’ things aren’t you?”
  74. >You stared Alias right in the eyes.
  75. >Alias didn’t even look surprised, he just laughed and slapped you on the back before strutting his way down the hall.
  76. >Yes, strutting.
  77.  
  78. >The fucker strutted everywhere.
  79. >There was a grin on Alias’ face when he turned back to look at you.
  80. >So you frowned at Alias as hard as you could and launched the pill bottle at him.
  81. >Alias caught it with ease, and spoke even easier.
  82. >”Eventually, yeah. I’m going to take just one at first, make sure I like my new shape. Then I take the second, and if my family or the cops ask anything then I just show em an ibuprofen bottle full of these things.”
  83. >Alias tossed you a wink and a smile, punctuated by an OK hand sign.
  84. >”Flawless.”
  85. >None of this even surprised you, Alias seemed to have made it his mission in life to perform every ridiculous stunt that happened to cross his mind.
  86. >You sighed and stepped up to your bathroom door.
  87. “We have to smoke in my bathroom today, landlord’s been around a lot this week.”
  88. >Alias rolled his eyes and followed you inside.
  89. >”Lame.”
  90. “Whatever. You can go smoke outside if you want, I’m sure the cop living next door would be happy to join you.”
  91. >With a sly smile on his face, Alias lowered the cover over the toilet seat and sat down.
  92. >You pulled out your lighter and set the flame against the end of your joint as you stepped into the bathtub.
  93. >After a few test draws, you finally got the joint burning evenly and tossed the lighter to Alias.
  94. >That was your queue to relax, so you lounged in the bathtub and took it easy.
  95. >The first few puffs had always been your favorite part, the smoke was at a good temperature so you could get that famous diesel taste from the herb.
  96. >Smoke curled off of the joint and from your mouth, rising gently in wisps to the ceiling.
  97. >The sun shone in bright and clear from the little window high upon the wall opposite you.
  98. >You played some music on your phone to fill the silence a little more.
  99. https://vimeo.com/142512117
  100. >There were only three kinds of music that you would listen to when you were high, and progressive rock was right at the top of that lofty list.
  101.  
  102. >”This shit is primo man, where the fuck did you get it?”
  103. >You looked at Alias.
  104. >He was already cloaked in smoke, staring at the lit joint in his hand with an impressed look on his face.
  105. “My older sister.”
  106. >Alias took a draw from his joint, staring up at the ceiling in thought.
  107. >Realization and remembrance crossed his face and he answered.
  108. >”Ah yeah, forgot she was growing.”
  109. >Suddenly, Alias looked down at you and grinned again.
  110. >He had that bottle full of fucking horse pills in his hand.
  111. >”So are we gonna take these things or what?”
  112. >You sighed and stared at the ruby red ember tip of your joint for a few seconds, thinking about it.
  113. >…Those pills had probably cost Alias a small fortune.
  114. >So turning him down would actually be kind of a dick move on your part.
  115. >Besides that, it was only temporary right?
  116. >And ninety seven percent… Good enough odds to bet your manhood on.
  117. >You motioned to Alias.
  118. >Wordlessly, Alias kicked over the trashcan and you knocked your ashes off into it.
  119. “Twelve hours?”
  120. >Alias nodded, and his grin grew even wider with anticipation, joint locked in his teeth.
  121. >”Yep.”
  122. >Horsecock for twelve hours…
  123. >It was strangely tempting.
  124. >…
  125. >Fuck it.
  126. “Fuck it.”
  127. >”Aye, fuck it.”
  128. >Without another word, Alias threw you one of the fake acetaminophen tablets while he downed a fake ibuprofen capsule.
  129. >You swallowed the tablet with no hesitation and got right back to smoking your joint.
  130. “How long does the transformation take?”
  131.  
  132. >”Slow acting, probably five or ten minutes or so.”
  133. >You nodded and tried to relax, but you couldn’t help sitting up a bit straighter in the bathtub.
  134. >A sudden thought hit you.
  135. “Won’t we get tangled up in all these clothes?”
  136. >Alias blinked, meeting your eyes.
  137. >Then he nodded, somewhat dazed after taking too hard a hit off of his joint.
  138. >”Oh, yeah.”
  139. >You and Alias both stood up and stripped down to underwear before sitting back down.
  140. “God this is going to be weird.”
  141. >For a few seconds, you didn’t feel anything but the cerebral high and the soaring euphoria the weed was giving you.
  142. >Then a tingle started in your left hand.
  143. >You peered at it, brow furrowed, as you filled the deepest parts of your lungs with smoke.
  144. >Nothing seemed to have-
  145. >Fur.
  146. >The patch of black fur on your hand was so small at first that you hadn’t noticed it, but it grew slowly into view.
  147. >After waiting another couple of seconds, you exhaled a cloud of smoke and spoke up.
  148. “I’ve got black fur, how about you?”
  149. >Alias was staring intently at his arm, smoke pouring from his nostrils.
  150. >He held his arm up, then lowered it, then held it up again.
  151. >Always the lightweight, Alias must already be high as a kite, you thought.
  152. >You took another drag off of your joint just as he answered.
  153. >”Neon yellow.”
  154. >You choked and sputtered, trying to laugh around the smoke.
  155. “HAckk- Ha-of fucking c-course.”
  156. >Chuckling some more, you sank down deeper into the bathtub.
  157. >That tingly feeling was growing in patches all over your body as your fur grew in.
  158. >Your left hand was completely covered now, and you saw that your right hand was well on its way when you lifted your joint up for a puff.
  159.  
  160. >The high was starting to hit you harder too, making you felt deeply relaxed, despite the strange circumstances.
  161. >Alias was laughing between every drag, and you could see the bright yellow fur growing all over him in big strips.
  162. >It looked like someone had taken a huge highlighter to his skin, it was that bright.
  163. “Suits yoooouuuuu…”
  164. >You laughed like a strangled hyena and shifted around with odd sweeping motions to face Alias.
  165. >Alias rolled his eyes and pointed at your head, falling off of the toilet in the process.
  166. >”As if black doesn’t suit you.”
  167. >That just made you laugh even harder.
  168. >He wasn’t wrong.
  169. “Whatev-“
  170. >Just then, your fringe flopped down in front of your eyes and you recoiled, confused.
  171. >Wait…
  172. >You groaned, understanding.
  173. >Correction: Your fringe had grown down in front of your eyes.
  174. “I just got this shit cut a week ago, what the fuck.”
  175. >You could hear Alias laughing his ass off.
  176. >”You’re a Grudge stunt double, man. I’ll ddrruruur… dri-vve you to the fuckin’ audition mahself.”
  177. >With a quick jerk of the head, you whipped your bangs out your eyes and up over your ears.
  178. >Thank fuck you had spent a couple years with a hairdo like this, you knew how to handle it.
  179. >Your hair was still stupid long though, it was actually laying in your lap.
  180. >You looked at Alias again, to see if his hair had changed.
  181. >Immediately you laughed, and gave yourself a couple seconds to come up with a good insult.
  182. “You’re like a tropical fruit given a mammalian host.”
  183. >Alias had neon pink hair, which somehow styled itself into a Mohawk before your very eyes.
  184. >Just looking at Alias was giving you a headache, his colors clashed like their families had been locked in a blood feud since the days of the Wild West.
  185. >Alias shrugged and winked.
  186. >”What can I say, I’m a sucker for looks that say: ‘Fuck you, and then me, later.’ “
  187.  
  188. >You shook your head and giggled, then sunk back into the bathtub.
  189. >All you could hear were the deep breaths you and Alias took with each puff.
  190. >Smoke curled silently in the air, caught between beams of sunlight.
  191. >The tingly feeling of your fur growing had stopped, replaced with a bizarre sense of things being shifted around in your abdomen.
  192. >…
  193. “Too quiet!”
  194. >You whined.
  195. >The pitch of your voice sounded so high there, but it didn’t feel like your voice had cracked at all.
  196. >”Put some more music on then, dumbass.”
  197. >Alias sounded strange too, his voice was melodious, and somehow brighter than before.
  198. “But…”
  199. >Oh yeah.
  200. >You stuck your joint in your mouth and unlocked your phone.
  201. >Right away you could see that you had paused the music by mistake.
  202. >You chuckled and hit play with your left hoof.
  203. “The gardener plants an evergreen… Whilst trampling on a flower…”
  204. >As though it was the most natural thing in the world, you sung along for a little.
  205. >It gave you a feel for the new timbre your voice held; a dusky tone with a distinctly feminine pitch.
  206. >You were going to grin and brag about your discovery to Alias when you suddenly thought back to what you had pressed the play button with.
  207. “H-hoof…”
  208. >You held up your new appendage and marvelled at it.
  209. >Strange sensations began to wrack your body, especially around your midriff.
  210. >You peered down at yourself and took in the changes as they happened.
  211. >A tail was inching further into view between your spread legs, as black as your hair or mane or whatever it was at this point.
  212. >Your legs were covered completely in black fur and were getting shorter and shorter by the second.
  213. >Both of your feet had shrunk down and deformed, with your ankle situated about halfway up your calf.
  214. >Producing strange clicking noises, your toes pulled tight together and fused.
  215. >Both of your feet seemed to melt wholly, before hardening into pitch black hooves.
  216.  
  217. >Before you knew it, you had nothing but hooves to work with and all four of them clacked loudly on the walls of the tub.
  218. >“Anon…”
  219. >You turned and looked at Alias.
  220. >He was leaning up against the far wall and just like you, Alias was covered in fur.
  221. >Both of Alias’ hands had morphed into hooves, along with his feet.
  222. >But your eyes were drawn to the HUGE FUCKING YELLOW AND PINK STRIPED HORSECOCK THAT WAS STICKING OUT OF HIS PANTS.
  223. >Immediately you looked away, and screeched.
  224. “What the FUCK Alias! PUT THAT THING AWAY BEFORE YOU POKE MY EYE OUT!”
  225. >”Relax dude, and where’s yours anyway?”
  226. >Oh yeah.
  227. >You tried to pull your underwear down and wound up ripping it in half.
  228. >The clumsiest hooves.
  229. “Uhhh…”
  230. >Your penis was shrinking, and you only got a glance at your balls before they sunk into your body.
  231. “UMMMM!”
  232. >That feeling was like no other, it was so foreign having your guts push aside like that.
  233. >You could feel a new cavity forming, and your cock just kept on shrinking.
  234. >All in all, you already knew where this bullshit was going.
  235. >So you just settled for smoking your joint while you waited for your manhood to be completely taken from you.
  236. >You had to take a break when your chest bulged out into a horse’s barrel, and readjust yourself to get more comfortable after all the extra poundage filled in around your hips.
  237. >”Anonymous?”
  238. >Alias called to you, looking more curious than concerned.
  239. >You glared sidelong at Alias, sullen with your hair over your face again.
  240. “Ninety seven percent chance. You said there was a ninety seven percent chance that this stuff wouldn’t change my sex.”
  241. >At first, Alias tried not to smile, adopting an overly serious stare.
  242. >Then he settled for trying not grin.
  243. >Long story short, he managed to keep his uproarious laughter compressed to a few seconds.
  244. >”You’re one of three in a hundred bud, cheer up and buy a lotto ticket or something.”
  245.  
  246. >You rolled your eyes just as your snout started to inch into view.
  247. >Alias seemed to be coming along a little bit quicker than you, his face had already transformed completely and his ears were well on their way up to the top of his head.
  248. >A pair of wings fluttered testily on his back before Alias clapped them to his sides.
  249. “Fuck it. Twelve hours and counting.”
  250. >That got Alias to nod in agreement.
  251. >”Aye, fuck it. It’s just twelve hours for you. For me though…”
  252. >And before you could object, Alias swallowed his second fake ibuprofen capsule.
  253. “You’re going to regret that.”
  254. >”Haven’t regretted a damn thing I’ve done so far, this won’t be any different.”
  255. “Whatever.”
  256. >You mumbled, before taking one last toke from your joint.
  257. >You burned it all the way down to the filter, as there was no way that you’d waste even a thimble of this New York Diesel.
  258. >And you’d need it, you thought, staring vehemently at your glistening new sex.
  259. >Despite your bad mood, you felt oddly content when you fondled your lower lips a little with your hoof.
  260. >Your flesh was snow white, not that you’d been expecting the Pon-E to give you a tan or anything.
  261. >”So how’s it feel?”
  262. >Alias was grinning at you, and even with that new horse muzzle he looked the same as he always did.
  263. “Fucking weird.”
  264. >Suddenly restless, you tried to stand up.
  265. >You slipped and fell maybe a dozen times, giggling, but you got the hang of it after watching Alias stand.
  266. >Right away you started to step out of the tub when Alias held you back with his hoof.
  267. >”Your mane.”
  268.  
  269. >Ah.
  270. >Yeah, your mane and tail were both dragging along on the ground right at your hooves.
  271. >You stepped carefully to the side, finally you were out of the bathtub and standing up straight on all four hooves.
  272. “Thanks.”
  273. >It was very… bizarre.
  274. >And it was hard to be mad about your shit luck when you were riding so pleasantly on this high.
  275. >But, as always, you managed a smug and comfortable disdain.
  276. >You blew your mane out of your eyes and stared Alias down sullenly, trying and failing not to look at his new shaft.
  277. >Just thinking about it made your glutes twitch for some reason.
  278. “I’ve got a mirror in my room, c’mon.”
  279. >Alias nodded, but his eyes were drifting away from your face, towards your…
  280. >You were about to swat him for staring at your ass, but he spoke before you could.
  281. >”Nice wings, by the way.”
  282. “What?”
  283. >You craned your neck and spun in a circle, trying to get a good look at your back.
  284. “Holy shit!”
  285. >Wings! You had wings!
  286. >Your breath caught in your throat when you spread them.
  287. >Every other feather was white, alternating like the keys on a piano.
  288. >The full range of motion you could achieve with your new wings was impressive, they felt even more dexterous than your hands used to.
  289. >Alias chuckled and stretched his wings out too, brushing the tips against yours.
  290. >His wings had a predictably garish color scheme, neon yellow feathers with bright stripes of neon pink zig-zagging across their entire length.
  291. >They were bigger too, Alias’ wingspan dwarfed yours by a solid twenty centimeters.
  292. >…Alias in general was just bigger than you now.
  293. >He was a head taller than you, with a much broader chest and longer and thicker legs.
  294. >Where Alias had well-toned muscle, you were just smooth, and curvy.
  295.  
  296. >Your muzzle scrunched instinctively when realized this, and you didn’t mention it to Alias, of course.
  297. >But the smug smirk on his face said loud and clear that Alias had noticed anyway.
  298. >”Want that second pill now?”
  299. >You rolled your eyes and batted Alias in the face with your tail before trotting out of the bathroom.
  300. “Fuck off.”
  301. >Alias followed you, strutting, as usual.
  302. >”I’d like to fuck on. If you know what I’m saying.”
  303. >Suddenly wary of your new parts, you pressed your tail down to make sure you were covered up.
  304. “Are you hitting on me?”
  305. >You shot Alias a look over your shoulder, with one brow perked.
  306. >Alias shrugged back and grinned.
  307. >Whatever.
  308. >Your bedroom waited just across the hall, suffused in the same gloom the rest of the apartment was in.
  309. >It was clean though, no dirty clothes all over the floor like before.
  310. >You flicked on the lights with the end of your left wing.
  311. >Alias strode forward and started examining himself in the floor to ceiling mirror you had up.
  312. >There was a… picture of a pair of dice on both of his flanks?
  313. >Oh yeah, you thought, butt marks.
  314. >Or beauty marks, or cutie marks or whatever the fuck.
  315. >It didn’t really matter what they were called.
  316. >Alias had a pair of dice with red divots for his mark, and both of them were on six.
  317. >You rolled your eyes and spat out some vulgarities at Alias.
  318. “Of course that’s your fucking talent, being a lucky little shit.”
  319. >”A lucky little shit who always makes the right bets. And how about yours, sweet cheeks?”
  320. >Alias answered with a smirk before rounding on you to stare at your flank.
  321. >You blushed for whatever reason, but you stood still while Alias looked.
  322. >”Huh, I never knew you played the guitar.”
  323. >Well now, that was a pleasant surprise.
  324. “I used to, when I was thirteen. I quit though.”
  325.  
  326. >You walked over to the mirror and examined your buttmark yourself.
  327. >It was a little white electric guitar with a single white music note, and it all brought a bright smile to your face.
  328. >You didn’t look half bad either, for a little horse.
  329. >Your body was svelte and pleasing, all in black fur.
  330. >While your mane and tail were ridiculously long, they were also both straight as could be with no loose ends.
  331. >Your eyes had changed, turning from your old brown into a luxurious purple.
  332. “Guess I should pick up the guitar again. Although…”
  333. >You lifted up your right fore hoof to demonstrate the problem.
  334. >Alias dismissed that issue immediately.
  335. >”Oh whatever, if that Keyboard Masher horse on the news can type two hundred and thirty three words per minute, you can rock a fucking guitar. You have one here?”
  336. >That had always been the greatest benefit of having Alias around, positive thinking.
  337. >You smiled and laughed.
  338. “Alright, alright I get it. My old guitar is at my sister’s place though, we can pick it up later.”
  339. >Grinning broadly, Alias slapped you on the ass with his right wing.
  340. >”That’s the spirit. So what are we doing now? Are we gonna fuck or what?”
  341. >A loud snort escaped your nostrils and you turned right around to face Alias.
  342. “No?! What the fuck!”
  343. >Your retort was a little harsher than you had wanted it to be, in retrospect.
  344. >Alias looked genuinely disappointed, and spoke a little forlornly at first.
  345. >”Why not? C’mon, you just got that pretty new hot pocket and I’ve got a load of pizza stuffing right here, let’s break it in.”
  346. >When he said “pizza stuffing”, Alias fondled his girthy shaft with enthusiasm, grinning again.
  347. >You stepped away from him and frowned.
  348. >Your mane bobbed down in front of your eyes as you spat back at Alias.
  349. “Jesus Christ Alias, no. That’s fucking gay as hell.”
  350. >Alias rolled his eyes and stepped forward.
  351. >…His neon cock bounced along with him.
  352.  
  353. >”It would be perfectly heterosexual. You’re a lady horse, I’m a man horse. We’ve got the right parts baby let’s build a car.”
  354. >Your heart was starting to pound now, and it took you longer to answer that one.
  355. “It’s… It’s weird okay, we’re friends.”
  356. >With his wings outstretched as though he was going to wrap them around you, Alias stepped closer.
  357. >He spoke reasonably and surely.
  358. >”If anything that makes it less weird, we know each other, we’ve known each other for years. Is there any other man turned horse that you’d fuck over me? I mean come on.”
  359. >There was a strange look in Alias’ eyes, they still had that cocky spark, but there was a deluge of, of…
  360. >Love? Lust?
  361. >The more Alias talked about this, the less convinced you were that you didn’t want to fuck him.
  362. >You pressed your hoof against your cheek.
  363. >Yeah, you were blushing.
  364. >The musky smell coming off of Alias’ sex really wasn’t helping either.
  365. >Still, you resisted.
  366. >You backed up, then you made a quick dive over the bed and out of the room.
  367. >Alias simply turned around and laughed at you while you huffed and puffed in the hallway.
  368. >”Relax Anonymous, if you don’t want to do it, its fine. I’m not gonna force you into it.”
  369. >Flustered, you blew your mane out of your eyes and sauntered down the hall like nothing was wrong.
  370. “Whatever. It’s fine. Let’s play some videogames.”
  371. >”Right behind you.”
  372. >And Alias was right behind you, all the way into your living room.
  373. >You didn’t like how close his nose kept getting to your tail.
  374. >Or maybe you did.
  375. >Either way you plopped yourself down on the floor in front of the tv and switched the Gamecube on.
  376. >Alias sat himself down next to you, close enough that his flank brushed against yours.
  377. >You glared at him from between strands of your mane, but Alias just grinned back and pulled up a controller.
  378. >Whatever.
  379. >You busied yourself with your own controller.
  380. >It was surprisingly easy to work with your hooves, so long as you set it on the ground.
  381. >After some testing and playing around, you navigated your way through Super Smash Bros. Melee’s menus.
  382.  
  383. >You are Alias.
  384. >And you’re about to get your ass kicked in SSBM.
  385. >Anonymous has been playing this game for ten years, which gives him a total of seven years’ worth of practice over you.
  386. >Ah, no, actually SHE has seven years of practice over you.
  387. >You grinned and selected Captain Falcon while Anonymous picked a random character.
  388. >”Ness!”
  389. >The Announcer exclaimed.
  390. >You laughed and spread your wing over Anon’s shoulder, then pulled her in against you.
  391. “And here I thought you might go easy on me.”
  392. >Anonymous turned her head to give you the smuggest look you’ve never seen before.
  393. >Anon’s eyes were like flawless secret amethysts behind her mane, and they betrayed not a single ounce of pity.
  394. >Her mouth was barely curled up at the edges in a thinly veiled smug smirk.
  395. >There wasn’t a single doubt in your mind that Anonymous wasn’t going to four stock you in this first round.
  396. >Ah well.
  397. >You’d already won a wager five minutes ago, it was only natural that you lost at something too.
  398. >You were just glad that you weren’t instantly losing the other two stakes that you had placed for today, all thanks to your victory in the first one.
  399. >It had been with the bartender, four hundred and fifty dollars, double or nothing that you would transform into a stallion.
  400. >A risky bet, since the Pon-E you had bought from him actually only had a 0.616 percent chance of retaining your sex.
  401. >But it paid off, four hundred and fifty dollars was fifty more than what you’d paid him for the pills.
  402. >You grinned and praised your own absurd luck, watching Anonymous select a random stage.
  403. >Two wagers left, you thought, as Pokemon Stadium loaded.
  404.  
  405. >You are Anonymous, and you’re wavedashing forward.
  406. >With your side B, PK Fire, you trapped Captain Falcon in place and then you wavedashed again with your forward smash already charging.
  407. >You whacked your opponent just as the hitstun from your flames wore off, at the exact tip of Ness’ bat.
  408. >The whole sequence was performed perfectly, doing a total of 43% damage while also sending Captain Falcon flying off of the stage.
  409. >But it wasn’t over, Captain Falcon could still recover.
  410. >If you were so polite as to let him, anyway.
  411. >You weren’t.
  412. >Moving as quickly as possible in a flawless series of dashes and wavedashes, you crossed the stage and leaped from it to swiftly pound Captain Falcon with your down aerial, launching him into the pit below instantly.
  413. “One.”
  414. >You counted, all while tossing Alias the widest shit eating grin that you’d ever made.
  415. >Alias was hardly fazed of course, he laughed right back in your face.
  416. >”Uncle! Uncle!”
  417. “You talk like a beggar, but I can see that you’re still paying attention to the game.”
  418. >You turned your gaze on the TV, where Captain Falcon was uselessly forward smashing into Ness’ shield.
  419. >It was more instinct than actual thought that made you punish the end lag on Alias with an uncharged up smash.
  420. >You simply sighed and double jump cancelled into Captain Falcon to smash him with your back air.
  421. >Then came the follow up, two wavedashes across the right hand platform above, followed by a forward aerial against Captain Falcon.
  422. >On the combo went, as you L cancelled your aerial and wavedashed again, charging your forward smash before connecting the very tip of Ness’ bat with Captain Falcon’s proverbial head, sending him flying off to the right side, never to recover.
  423. “Two.”
  424. >Two stocks up and you’re still at 0%.
  425. >You almost felt bad for Alias, but then again, this was probably just karma catching up to him for whatever ridiculous shit he pulled this week.
  426. >So you never stopped beating the tar out of him.
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