Physics and me. An intellectual horror story

Physics and me. An intellectual horror story
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I'm a man in my 40s, with a job and family, both of which need my attention and time. Still I devote a few dozen hours every week to studying physics textbooks.

It started in my teens when I was madly in love with physics. Studying Griffith's electrodynamics would make me break out in song. But to everyone's surprise, when the time came to choose a subject for college I chose social science.

There were three reasons for my choice. One, I felt that fundamental physics had entered into a period of stagnation. And somehow I felt that 'non-fundamental' physics, say condensed matter, was grubby stuff that was beneath me.

Second, I had become acutely aware of how poorly society functioned. The poverty. The irrationality. It was clear that there were no physical constraints preventing the solution of these problems. In my youthful enthusiasm I felt that these were easy problems that were ripe for solution. I felt this was a place where I could make a much larger contribution.

Third, at that time I believed that in India the IITs were the best place to study science, but I had heard horrific stories of ragging at the IITs, and was not feeling enthusiatic about subjecting myself to that torture. So I was lackadasical about preparing for the entrace exam. Anyway the non-physics entrance papers seemed stupid to me. As a result, I did not make it to the IITs. There still was the option of studying physics in college, but I had a sense that the university system was not where one studyied science in India, so I did not follow up on that option.

My twenties were spent in falling in and out of love with social science. That story is not very relevant here. But I kept my undergraduate-level physics books and would reread them from time to time. I would spend hours in the science floor of my university library browsing through physics books. It was not really systematic study, just looking at stuff. I got a peek at graduate-level physics. Arnold and the first edition of Abraham-Marsden were just beautiful. Then there was statistical mechanics and the question of how macro irreversibility arose out of reversible micro-dynamics. My love of physics only grew stronger.

This was also the period when I started studying a little bit of real analysis. And I realised that many of my difficulties with physics were because I was thinking like a mathematician. I had given up reading Dirac's book on quantum mechanics when he started differentiating delta functions. I learned that that was a valid response, that these difficulties had inspired serious mathematical work, and there was now a way availabile to do all of that rigorously. But that would require much more mathematics that I had then. I added math books to the stuff I would look at from time to time, without again making any systematic progress. Still, any chance I got I would end up on the science floor of the library, which was my refuge from the troubles of the world.

By my thirties I had a PhD in economic and a job. And I was married.

Physics and mathematics were still my refuge. But I was stuck at more or less at an undergraduate level.

Then one year suddenly I broke through in my math studies, quickly finishing the standard undergraduate curriculum in real analysis. A couple of more years of slogging had me finishing analysis at the graduate level and getting a good feel for abstract algebra. I could now study physics at the level of mathematical rigour I was comfortable with.

This sudden progress upended my life. I had reconciled myself to having math or physics as a hobby. But at my new level math and physics became as easy as social science to me. It started to feel silly to be working on social science, a subject with a hardly any solid results, when with the same efforts I could be learning physics which was the word of God.

For some time I though I would specialize in probability theory through which I could pursue my interest in statistical physics while also being able to churn out publication in social science. But it never really worked out. I may have had a mathematician's love for rigour, but most of the activity in mathematics and mathematical social science felt sterile and irrelevant to me. I still wanted to talk to God.

I finally learnt non-relativistic quantum mechanics. I learnt about group theory.

Now I'm ready to learn quantum field theory. The books are beginning to make sense to me. I'm confident that if I minimise the time I give to my family and my nominal profession for another three years I'll have learnt quantum field theory.

But the prospect no longer fills me with joy. What happens after all the coursework is finished? An autodidact, even with the riches of the internet, has very little chance of making original contributions today. Starting from scratch on building a second academic career does not seem very practical. Even if I were to embark on that journey I'm not sure it'll be very pleasant.

The truth is that there is a worm gnawing at my heart. The subject of physics, which looked so beautiful to me in my youth, which was my ultimate source of spiritual and intellectual solace, does not appear beautiful to me any longer. It looks like hacks piled over other hacks which work only due to the extraordinary generosity of Mother Nature. And my teenage self was not wrong in assessing that Mother Nature's bounty has dried up. Fundamental physics is in doldrums. Maybe someone will find a way to break out of the logjam, but I know it's not going to be me. I'm not a genius, just an ordinary competent worker.

I no longer find stuff like condensed matter grubby. But I realise that good work in applied areas is going to be deeply tied with experiental work which, even if I could find a way to participate in, would not give me the intellectual rush I'm looking for.

So one way or the other an academic career in physics would not be that different from an academic career in social science that I already have.

I'm the dog who has finally caught hold of the car. Who can no longer distract himself with the thrill of the chase and must come to terms with the futility of canine existence.

[2023-11-28]