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- Merry and Meanie
- (based on an email request, plus inspired by the old “Goofus and Gallant” from Highlights Magazine)
- >be Brandon Wyckoff, programming executive for Fluffy TV
- >you were the guy who brought them revolutionary programming for fluffies like “Ball”, “Babies!” and “Plot”
- >you’ve recently been contacted by the Fluffy Associated Pro-Breeders.
- >seems they have problems with mares who misbehave when their foals are taken away and they want you to produce a special video
- >never one to avoid having another producer credit, you meet with the group’s president
- >”Mr. Wyckoff? Bill LeGrange. Thanks for meeting with us.”
- >”Not a problem, Bill… your organization has spent some impressive advertising dollars with us.”
- >”I appreciate it, anyway. Look, you’re a busy guy so I’ll keep this short and sweet.”
- >you’re impressed with this guy. at first glance he’s a little redneck-y but the guy’s smart and direct.
- >”We have a lot of problems with mares acting up when we take their foals.”
- >”I can see that.”
- >”We’d like you to produce a video we can show to mares to reinforce good behavior.”
- >”Okay…”
- >”For before, during, and after the birth process. A happy mare is a good breeder.”
- >”Well, I suppose I could come up with something…”
- >”Well, here… I brought a video I made of a typical case. If you don’t mind.”
- >”No, no… go ahead.”
- >you motion to a DVD player on the wall. LeGrange pops his DVD into it.
- >”This is a breeding facility in Montana. Clean place, good reputation. But watch how this mare reacts…”
- >you stare intently at the screen. A blue pegasus fluffy with a white tail lays in a wooden cage, nursing two foals.
- >two others crawl in her fluff.
- >a middle-aged man in overalls opens the cage.
- >”Time to wean your foals, Sparkle.”
- >he reaches in to take the foals. the fluffy leans over and bites his hand.
- >”OW! You goddam bitch! What’d you do that fer?”
- >”yu nu take babehs!”
- >”I’ll do whatever the hell I want with them!”
- >he smacks the mare on the nose and grabs the two nursing foals. they start crying for their mother
- >”NUU! Nuuu take babehs! bad stupit hooman!”
- >she gets up and tries to get out of the cage, either to save her babies or to bite the breeder. he slams the door in her face
- >”Goddam bitch! I’ll get the other two later…”
- >he takes the crying, squirming foals, muttering to himself as he walks away.
- >”gonna give this little shit here an enema… see how you scream for momma then…”
- >LeGrange pipes up.
- >”This next bit is time lapse. Watch what happens around 1am…”
- >the camera speeds up, showing the mare eating, drinking, crapping, the babies playing… all in a matter of seconds.
- >you continue to watch in silence.
- >around the 1am mark, the remaining two foals nurse at their mother’s teats.
- >she grabs one by the scruff of its neck and plops it hard on the cage floor. it starts crying.
- >”wahhhh! mumma! why mumma huwt? weggie owies! weggie!”
- >the mare shifts her weight and lays directly on top of the foal. after a few moments its muffled cries stop
- >”She killed it… she killed it rather than let the breeder take it.”
- >”Ayuh… happens sometimes. I’d say… 20%, give or take. Most breeding facilities don’t have 24/7 care so anything goes at night.”
- >”Jesus.”
- >the camera speeds forward again. the breeder in overalls opens the mare’s cage to feed her.
- >”Sparkle, where’s your other baby?”
- >”spawkle dun nuu.”
- >”Don’t you lie to me, girl! Where is it?”
- >”dun nuu!”
- >the breeder angrily grabs her by the scruff of her neck and presses her face hard against the wooden wall of her cage
- >”wahhhh! why huwty fwuffy?”
- >”SHUDDUP!”
- >meanwhile, the other foal has fallen out of its mother’s fluff and landed on the floor. it waddles around
- >”mumma? mumma giev miwlk? mumma giff nummies? why man howd mumma?”
- >the breeder spots the other foal, dead, in Sparkle’s blanket
- >”Goddam BITCH! Killed your own foal, huh?”
- >the remaining foal is now hugging its sibling, trying to get it to move.
- >”pwease bwutha move! haff huwties? giff huggies! huggies fix huwties!”
- >the breeder angrily backhands the foal, knocking it into the blankets. it starts sobbing
- >”nuu! nuu huwt babeh!”
- >”YOU DIDN’T GIVE A GOOD GODDAM ABOUT THIS ONE!”
- >he’s screaming at her, waggling the dead foal in her face
- >”bad hooman take babehs! babehs betta off dead!”
- >the breeder angrily punches the mare in the face and takes the last foal
- >”nuu! giff back babeh!”
- >”You want it back? I’ll give it back.”
- >he slams the mare on the floor of her cage
- >then, gritting his teeth in anger, the breeder starts removing body parts from the
- screaming foal.
- >a leg, a wing, another leg… throwing them at the mother’s face
- >she doesn’t even know how to react. her mouth hangs open in surprise and horror.
- >”Here’s your fucking baby back, bitch!”
- >the foal, still screaming horribly, has had its legs and wings torn off.
- >the breeder grabs its tiny fuzzy nuts and pulls them off, throwing them at the mother as well.
- >”NUUUU! BABEH! PWEASE STAWP!”
- >the breeder finally throws the foal against the back wall of the cage, crushing its
- skeleton.
- >”There he is. Enjoy.”
- >the breeder stomps away
- >the mare lays there, covered in bloody pieces of its foal, sobbing and hugging its bleeding body
- >”Wow. That’s a shame.”
- >”Yep. Shame he had to lose a perfectly good foal to make a point.”
- >”Did she behave after that?”
- >”Well, not quite… watch…”
- >you stare at the screen for another minute.
- >”Ouch! Right in the ass!”
- >”Hee hee… yeah.”
- >”Wow… how’d he fit that turkey baster in there?”
- >”Oh, after they have a few litters they’re pretty elastic.”
- >”Well, let’s get this show on the road. I can have a product for you in 30 days.”
- >”Sounds like a plan. I’ll cut you a check for the deposit and I’ll see you in a month.”
- >shake hands with LeGrange. start putting together a crew. you already have an idea.
- >
- >”Happy Mare and Sad Mare”
- >rough cut
- >Director: Mark Romanek
- >Actor: Brent Spiner
- >
- >4, 3, 2, 1…
- >”Hello, I’m actor Brent Spiner. Welcome to the happiest breeding facility on earth!”
- >camera pans around to a clean, well-kept facility
- >”Did I say happiest? I meant… almost the happiest. Here you can see our two favorite mares: Merry and Meanie!”
- >the camera shows two cages next to each other. Merry is a bright blue earth fluffy with a pink mane. she’s well-groomed and happy
- >next to her is Meanie - she’s puke-green with a shit-brown mane and looks like she just got hit in the face with a brick
- >(she did)
- >”Hey… my buzz is starting to wear off - can I get a joint?”
- >*voice off-camera* “Yes, Mr. Spiner.”
- >*sounds of a lighter, then coughing*
- >”Ahem. Yes, Merry and Meanie. Our two favorite breeding mares. Hello, girls!”
- >”hewwo mistah spina!”
- >”First we’re going to show you how mares get an ‘examination’. Do YOU know what an ‘examination’ is?”
- >Merry, well-rehearsed and trained, speaks right up.
- >”dat when nice docta man make shu fwuffy is helfy!”
- >”Very good, Merry! Yes, sometimes your mama or daddy or another nice human will take you to see a nice doctor.”
- >Meanie shudders at the mention of a doctor - probably too many rectal temperatures taken.
- >”The nice doctor will make sure you’re healthy. Some of the things he does will tickle!”
- >Brent steps into view, wearing a doctor’s coat and old-time head-reflector thingy
- >he carefully takes Merry from her cage and puts her on a table, first listening to her heartbeat
- >”tee hee! dat tickle!”
- >Brent rubs her belly, making her coo. then he does a quick eye and ear examination.
- >”Very good, Merry! Have a cookie.”
- >”yay cookie!”
- >”Now… here is how a BAD fluffy acts. Get over here. GET OVER HERE!”
- >Brent grabs Meanie and slams her on the table.
- >”OWIES!”
- >he roughly flips her over, pulls on a rubber glove, and jams his fingers in her vag and ass.
- >”eeeeeeeee! nu towch! bad towcH! dat bad towch! nuuuuu!”
- >*off camera* “If she keeps acting up, just hit her with the brick again.”
- >*WHAM*
- >”owie.”
- >”See that? Bad fluffies don’t listen to the nice doctor. They struggle and cry. And then they get the brick.”
- >
- >Part II - breeding
- >”As you can see, they’re both getting ready to have Special Hugs!”
- >Merry beams at the idea but Meanie shudders.
- >”First we need to make sure the girls are shaved properly. That means easier mating and cleanup!”
- >Brent takes Merry down and carefully lays her on the table
- >”Try to relax.”
- >he uses a small electric shaver to trim the fluff around her anus and groin. after that, he tickles her chin and she giggle
- >”GOOD fluffies don’t mind the shaver. It helps to keep you clean!”
- >Brent grabs Meanie and tosses her on the table. He uses a larger, rustier shaver on her, taking away chunks of fluff unevenly
- >at one point it nicks her anus, making her scream.
- >”Should I… the brick? Okay…”
- >*WHAM*
- >”OWIE!”
- >”See that? BAD fluffies move around and make shaving difficult for daddy and then their poopie place gets cut.”
- >Brent puts the two mares in separate breeding pits
- >the first features a handsome pegasus fluffy - white with a white mane. Merry is obviously head over heels for him
- >he slowly nuzzles her fluff around her neck, then along her sides and finally around her groin
- >Merry’s tail raises in anticipation.
- >the stallion mounts her, slowly thrusting (camera trick) making it look like he’s taking his time.
- >Merry seems to enjoy it but with a little creative editing they’ll make it look like she’s in ecstasy
- >finally, the stallion finishes and lays down, cuddling with Merry. he asks her about her day and listens intently
- >”GOOD fluffies like to meet stallions and have their babies. It’s fun and special hugs feel REALLY good!”
- >an old, ratty-looking gray earth pony is dumped into the breeding pit with Meanie
- >”NUU! NU WAN!”
- >she waddles around the pit until Brent Spiner jabs her in the ass with a cattle prod
- >*ZORCH*
- >the old fluffy mounts her, slobbering on her back and thrusting sloppily
- >”NUUU! NU WAN! NUUUUU!”
- >*ZORCH*
- >the old fluffy falls off Meanie, landing on his side. he immediately dies of a stroke.
- >Meanie, covered in slobber, semen, and probably a few other fluids sits in the pit looking miserable.
- >”mah butt stickeh.”
- >”BAD fluffies don’t want to have special hugs because they’re stupid pieces of shit who can’t appeciate a good lay.”
- >*off camera voice* “Stick to the script, Brent.”
- >”Sorry… I was thinking about my ex-wife…”
- >
- >Part III - Birth
- >director’s note: this sequence was filmed three weeks later.
- >we finally found Brent passed out in an alley with a Brazilian hooker and woke him up.
- >”Urgggh… my head… did that chick have a penis, or…?”
- >*off camera voice* “We can check on that for you, Brent.”
- >”No, no… better off not knowing. Okay… where were we…”
- >the camera shows the two mares laying on tables, breathing heavily
- >”Merry and Meanie are in labor. Let’s watch and see what happens.”
- >Merry squeezes out three foals. she carefully cleans each one and rotates them on her teats so they all have a chance
- >Meanie craps out three foals but one is a runt. she refuses to clean it.
- >”nuu cwean stupit babeh!”
- >*off camera voice* “Brent, zap her with the cattle prod until she cleans it.”
- >”nuu wan!”
- >*ZORCH*
- >”wahhhhhh! nuu wan cwean stupit babeh!”
- >*ZORCH*
- >*ZORCH ZORCH ZORCH*
- >”wuh… buh…”
- >*ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORCH*
- »*off camera voice* “Careful Brent - don’t set her on fire.”
- >”You gonna clean the baby?”
- >weeping, the fluffy finally does so.
- >”stupit dum babeh…”
- >”Now feed it.”
- >”NUU! miwlk fo offa babehs!”
- >*ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORCH*
- >”WAHHHHHHHHHHHH! OKAY! FEED BABEH!”
- >angry and her lip quivering, Meanie reluctantly feeds the runt
- >”GOOD fluffies clean and feed their babies. BAD fluffies don’t clean or feed their babies.”
- >Brent takes one of Meanie’s healthy foals from her
- >”NUU! NU TAKE BABEH!”
- >*ZORCH ZORCH ZORCH*
- >Brent hand-feeds the baby with a bottle
- >”GOOD fluffies let humans help to take care of the babies. BAD fluffies interfere!”
- >Brent casually tosses the foal back into the cage, breaking one of its legs
- >”WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
- >*ZORCH*
- >”God, I love this thing… where can I buy one?”
- >*off camera voice* “We got that one from Basspro…”
- >
- >PART IV - Weaning
- >director’s note: this sequence was filmed two weeks later.
- >Brent showed up, washed, well-fed and chipper.
- >we knew something was wrong.
- >*off camera voice* “You okay brent?”
- >”Better than okay!”
- >*off camera voice* “Probably found Christ or something…”
- >camera focuses on the two mares nursing their foals
- >”Today is a big day… the babies are going to new homes! They’re going to be loved and cared for and given lots of SPAGHETTI!”
- >”weally?”
- >”Sure, Merry… let’s go with that.”
- >Brent opens Merry’s cage and carefully removes her squirming foals, tickling each one
- >*off camera voice* “Send in the adopting families…”
- >three beautiful familes, a lovely wife, handsome husband, and charming little boy, all dressed immaculately, walk up to Brent
- >”Hello, Mr. Spiner! We’re here for our fluffy!”
- >Brent hands them one of Merry’s foals. she looks a little dismayed at first but Brent is a fast talker
- >”See, Merry? These are nice people who will give lots of love and spaghetti to your baby!”
- >”wuv and spasgettis?”
- >”That’s right! Here you go, folks!”
- >Brent hands the beaming family the fluffy. they walk off-camera, cuddling it
- >*off camera voice* “they can just throw that in the trash on the way out.”
- >two more handsome families likewise take Merry’s babies. Brent cheers her up with a cookie
- >”GOOD fluffies let people adopt their babies and take them to loving homes with LOT of spaghetti!”
- >three perverts in overcoats show up to adopt the other foals
- >Brent opens Meanie’s cage and roughly pulls a foal off her teat
- >”NUU! NU TAKE BABEH!”
- >*WHAM*
- >”OWIE! DUN WIKE BWICK!”
- >Brent hands the foal to the first pervert, who immediately spreads its little legs wide and starts to unzip his pants
- >*off camera voice* “Sir? Sir? Please use the restroom for that. Or the commisary.”
- >the pervert nods and hurries off with the crying foal
- >Brent hands a foal to the next pervert. he lifts up its tail and examines it, plunging his fingers into its orifice
- >”Look okay?”
- >”Can I have the female instead?”
- >”Sure… but why stick your finger in its ass?”
- >”For fun.”
- >the second pervert takes the filly and starts inappropriately rubbing her tiny nub of a vulva.
- >”eeeeee! bad touchies! nu towch speshal pwace! mama! hewp! mama!”
- >the pervert hurries off with the foal
- >the third takes his colt, promptly drops his pants, and sticks his dick in its ass
- >*off camera voice* “Guess he couldn’t wait.”
- >”Sir? Can you… sir? Meh. Whatever.”
- >*off camera voice* “Just keep going, Brent, we’ll edit him out in post.”
- >”Ahem. BAD fluffies…”
- >”Yeah… that’s it… squirm some more… cry for momma… yeah…”
- >”AHEM. BAD fluffies don’t let their babies get adopted. And then they get hit with a brick and their foals get raped.”
- >*off camera voice* “Good read, Brent.”
- >”Thanks… say, have you folks heard the good word about Scientology?”
- >*off camera voice* “Oh godammit. You’re fired, Brent.”
- >*other off camera voice* “Well what do we do now?”
- >*off camera voice* “Focus on the fluffies and cut Brent out of the shot, then get someone else to do the voiceovers.”
- >*other off camera voice* “Who?”
- >
- >”Hello… I’m Ron Perlman for the Fluffy Associated Pro-Breeders. We hope this video has been both helpful and educational.”
- >*off camera voice* “Nice read, Ron, thanks.”
- >”OH GODAMMIT! THIS FILTHY BITCH SHIT ON MY SHOE!”
- >*sounds of a fluffy being choked*
- >*off camera voice* “Oh well… we were gonna just throw Meanie into traffic anyway.”
- >*more sounds of a fluffy being choked*
- >
- >pending approval from Fluffy Associated Pro-Breeders
- >end tape
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