GreentextSavant - Sad But Vague

Mar 18th, 2017
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  1. >The sky is coated with a cloud ceiling as you walk on home.
  2. >It's hard to believe that the sun is shining through to give your surroundings any light at all.
  3. >Hands in your pockets, shoes solemnly slapping against the sidewalk. Your breath slow and steady, not choking up any more.
  4. >Your eyes finally dried after earlier, you continue.
  5. >Feeling a looming resonance radiate around you as you continue in the direction of your house.
  6. >Not knowing whether today would have been the last relatively okay day of your life. Praying for anything but being cast out into a future of loneliness and suffering.
  7. >Turning back time is the number one thing you want, but you know it can't be done. Forward isn't somewhere you want to go. There's nothing there you want to see.
  8. >It's hard to ignore the last of your happiness being drained out of your life on this day, and your face shows no expression to reflect it. There is no expression that can get this out.
  9. >You don't want to tell anyone how you feel. It will only make them want to know more.
  10. >It will make them ask questions you cannot answer.
  11. >Questions you simply do not have the heart to answer.
  12. >Make it to your front door, standing there and trying to decide if you want to go in. It doesn't seem as though it will make a difference at this point.
  13. >You're already here, might as well go inside so this chilled winter air can't get to you. Unlock the door with your key and enter your house.
  14. >Exhaling as the warm air reaches you. You're at least lucky to have this privilege.
  15. >If only you could focus on all of these things you've had in life, if only you couldn't remember the other things you used to have.
  16. >What you lost today.
  17. >The reality that it's not coming back is something you stubbornly don't want to accept, and you rest yourself on your bed to try and put your mind on something else.
  18. >Turn on your TV.
  19. >Start watching some cartoons you've seen the episodes so many times before. It does help a little.
  20. >Your mind is taken away from the feelings for the lengths of the episodes, and the commercial breaks.
  21. >But even the tiny breaks of blackness between the times the screen lights up with color bring you the same reminder. There's no going back.
  22. >Maybe you could live with this. Turn this into something that makes you stronger and does nothing to slowly crush your heart on the inside.
  23. >And so, you take another deep breath. It's comforting.
  24. >You'll be okay.
  25. >And you're going to continue watching TV. Nothing else should matter.
  26. >Only one thing in your life is gone. One... really, really big thing.
  27. >It meant so much to you. Something that was connected to your whole heart.
  28. >You never even realized how much you cared about it until right now, as you sit on your bed and start living without it.
  29. >Pretending that you feel the same way you did before it was gone.
  30. >But still, you'l be okay.
  31. >The news soon comes on, and you try to think about the other things going on in the world.
  32. >How others have loss and struggles to go through as well. How you're clearly not alone in losing something so dear to you.
  33. >You can feel what they're feeling now as they tell their stories. You never understood it so well until now.
  34. >In a way, this comforts you, making you feel a little bit enlightened. And it only took the absence of something really important in your life.
  35. >Take another deep breath, more slowly this time.
  36. >After you turn off the TV, try to find something else to do, quickly.
  37. >Go onto the computer, finding your way to the internet before you let your feeling make you change your mind.
  38. >Just do random things. Browsing, playing quick little flash games. Pass the time.
  39. >And it works.
  40. >Soon eat dinner. Microwaveable meal. You have other food, but this is more fast and easy to make.
  41. >You're going to be okay.
  42. >Eat your meal and notice how dark it's gotten outside. These winter days sure are short.
  43. >Take another shuddering breath, turning off the kitchen light after cleaning up and heading up to your room.
  44. >Just keep in mind that you aren't the only one who has experienced sadness. There are others who made it through.
  45. >And if they can do it, so can you.
  46. >That just has to be true.
  47. >After you go to bed, you lie on your side, closing your eyes as quickly as you can and pretend to be asleep.
  48. >The feelings can't get you if you're asleep.
  49. >Not even if there is a stream of tears flowing down the side of your head on your temple right now.
  50. >That tear was a given; you're still silently lying on your side.
  51. >Just wait for sleep to take you.
  52. >...
  53. >The following morning comes already.
  54. >You can't believe you actually fell asleep that quickly.
  55. >Get up and push yourself over to the bathroom, now feeling just as cold inside as you had outside the day before.
  56. >After several more minutes, you're back down stairs, not having truly cried a single tear. The tears from last night simply leaked from that outburst you held back.
  57. >Because you're not going to cry over this.
  58. >You are going to get over it and move on; that's what everyone would want you to do. That's what you want you to do.
  59. >And it is what you are going to do.
  60. >Just don't let your feelings get the best of you. You're going to be fine.
  61. >There are plenty of fun things to do.
  62. >Continue to entertain yourself with TV, soon finding yourself mesmerized and taken away into the world of nostalgia as you watch shows from your childhood.
  63. >Pretending that you're living those years again when you didn't have the ability to feel this way so deeply about things.
  64. >As you grow, the things that affect you change. And they sure do change drastically.
  65. >But you're still going to toughen up and get over this.
  66. >You don't want to end up like those self-entitled people who crave pity just because of some unfortunate events in their life.
  67. >They are the ones that get to decide what to cry over, not you. Right?
  68. >You wouldn't feel even half as badly about this had your feelings not been so... real.
  69. >You wouldn't even feel a tenth as bad.
  70. >But you're not even going to allow yourself to feel bad at all, pull yourself up by your boots and make your way to the store.
  71. >Buying milk, eggs, cheese, other things. Sweets, the list turns into a blur and you end up just getting whatever you feel like.
  72. >Might as well make the best of this.
  73. >You'll be fine. It's just your feelings.
  74. >Just wait until a week from you, you'll be guaranteed to start feeling yourself again. Even though the last best days of your life are sure to have ended, that doesn't mean that you can't still enjoy yourself.
  75. >You have money, food, a roof over your head, people to talk to as you go through the checkout line...
  76. >This life you have is still pretty good, especially compared to those without those key things.
  77. >Just try and find a way to be happy. There is no reason to feel better just because you lost something you invested so many feelings into.
  78. >They're only feelings, just forget about it. This is something that should be easy to move on from.
  79. >The low howl from the wind reaches your ears a little bit louder as you step back outside. Raising your shoulders and scrunching yourself inward from the cold despite you having a jacket on.
  80. >It wouldn't have bothered you had you not been alone this time after going out in public.
  81. >Well, not alone. Since there are people in the store you just left, people in this parking lot.
  82. >Guess you're just lonely.
  83. >But that's not a problem you can't fix. Just make some friends, it's that simple.
  84. >You have a pretty great life. You should feel that way.
  85. >That's what a lot of people have told you, and they're always right when it comes to that.
  86. >Don't let your feelings tell you how to feel. Let your physical conditions have the say for that.
  87. >It's too bad there is so much going on in your head whenever your universe has something about it changed.
  88. >Something enters there that you're just not used to.
  89. >But you'll be fine, and you're home now. That was one of the most thoughtful drives home you've ever experienced.
  90. >It could have been about better things, but you're sure you can at least think about better things without them being anything in real life.
  91. >Back inside, putting groceries away. Still alone.
  92. >You'll have to get used to this.
  93. >Unless you can make some more friends, which shouldn't be too hard.
  94. >Just like, do it. Anyone should be able to.
  95. >Then you'll be able to take your mind off of this.
  96. >Go back to watching TV. It's quite relaxing.
  97. >You sit there on the couch, now drunk with nostalgia as you slowly forget about how your world around you keeps changing in ways you wish it never had.
  98. >But you're calm now. Taking some more deep breaths and staying focused on... fun things.
  99. >But every time you think about yesterday, your hands begin to involuntarily tremble.
  100. >With the notion that there is an obstacle you know you'll never be able to hurdle yourself over.
  101. >Spend the rest of the day in solitude, often looking to your side expecting someone to be there.
  102. >Turn the TV off and go back to posting on the internet. Maybe you'll go job hunting. You're going to have to do it eventually with the factor of money coming into play.
  103. >It's a good idea to keep that thing in your life, but it's not like having less money would have made you feel this way had it happened first.
  104. >...
  105. >This pattern somewhat continues for a while. But you don't feel as though your mood is improving.
  106. >It's not anyone's fault, it's just that you're not used to feeling this way.
  107. >And it's been weighing you down, no matter how hard you've tried to toughen up and ignore the facts. It's still wighing you down.
  108. >You just wish you didn't care so much. But if you didn't care this way, you wouldn't have had the memories from before. Those ones that make you so sad that they're gone now that you can't add to them.
  109. >Every ounce of you want to be happy that it happened instead of sad that it's over, but every ounce is still not ready to feel this way.
  110. >All of the times you're going to have to go without that thing you lost. That thing that you never thought you would lose.
  111. >No one else needs to know what you lost, they wouldn't be able to put themselves in your shoes. Just don't bother telling them. This depression will pass eventually.
  112. >The only thing you need to get yourself to do is get over it.
  113. >Continue to sit alone in your room, contemplating on the better days that now lie behind you. The warmer days.
  114. >The amount of time that goes by finally adds up to a week. You're not sure whether or not you're proud of that, because you're not sure whether or not you feel better.
  115. >It's like you've forgotten how to enjoy yourself on your own; you wish you could help it.
  116. >But you value yourself less and less every day. That thing you lost completed you. You are no longer complete, and the only way to make yourself think that you are is to distract yourself. Enjoy yourself.
  117. >At least it works.
  118. >It's the very thing that gives you a reason to step away from the edge of the bridge every time you pass it by. Thinking about going over, but never acting upon it.
  119. >It's on the longer route home, and you haven't been taking that route more often just for the scenery.
  120. >...
  121. >TV and the internet have lost their fun. It's all gotten too repetitive, and you can't think of anything else for you to do.
  122. >You found a job after about a month of searching, and it's been a reason to get up early in the morning.
  123. >Getting up early in the morning is such an uncomfortable thing, and your panicking mind really doesn't need that type of feeling when you stop dreaming and start living.
  124. >Not only do you value yourself less and less every day, but you start to put less value into everything around you instead.
  125. >You haven't truly cried thus far. Just some more leaked tears.
  126. >But that's fine; it only means you've been doing this right. Not letting yourself get all sobby just because of feelings you have despite living in a comfy home and all.
  127. >Just ignore the feelings and move on with your decent life.
  128. >Your life is far from broken. It may be empty with the fact that you're alone over 90% of the time, but it's not broken.
  129. >But maybe it's your brain that's the one that's broken.
  130. >You still can't feel better. And it's starting to feel as though it's for no reason. Your loss was so far into the past now.
  131. >Why is it still affecting you?
  132. >Did... did it really mean THAT much to you?
  133. >Based on how you felt during the first day, that answer is a big yes.
  134. >An overwhelming yes.
  135. >But you keep quiet about it, not wanting to be a burden to those who are still around you during that little 10% of the time.
  136. >The other 90% of the time is spent being lost in your own head.
  137. >This isn't the way you wanted to spend your time alive. But talking to people only leads to you desperately trying to hold your feelings in with their presence being a burden for you in a strange way.
  138. >At least you don't have to make yourself smile when there's no one around to see you frown.
  139. >When is there going to not be anything wrong with you?
  140. >You really shouldn't be affected by one thing this much.
  141. >No matter how... massive... a hole it left in your life after it vanished to never return.
  142. >Well, the hole is more in your heart and soul than your life.
  143. >But your heart and soul are a huge part of your life, supporting your spirit that's now... broken.
  144. >Where did your enthusiasm go?
  145. >Probably the same place where the future you always dreamed of went. The future that is no longer possible, even though you put so much effort into trying to make it happen.
  146. >It can't happen now with that huge hole that was left.
  147. >But you can't find anything to suffice the void. And so, you sit until you find something that does.
  148. >Unreasonably praying that it falls into your lap somehow.
  149. >But deep down no the inside, you know that's not going to happen.
  150. >How much longer until something changes?
  151. >Well, whenever you change, or course.
  152. >...How much longer until you change?
  153. >...
  154. >You hear a knock on the door.
  155. >At first, you’re hesitant to answer it at first, but you manage to lift yourself off of the couch after however many days it has been.
  156. >The door swings open, and before you can say a single word, you find yourself taken into a hug by surprise.
  157. >Pinkie Pie was at the door.
  158. >Her arms tightly fold around your body, and your eyes shoot wide open with shock, and soon, your lids lower into a glazed expression as a pair of puckered lips meets yours.
  159. >And all of your sadness found itself no longer all alone in the world.
  160. >You yourself found yourself in the company of a friend. Someone more than just a friend.
  161. >Crying never felt so good.
  162. >Pinkie Pie backs you down the the couch.
  163. >You kiss her harder and harder until you get hard yourself and you two start taking eachother's clothes off.
  164. >You sex and that's the end, fuck it. (No pun intended).
  166. Sorry about all of the spelling errors. I typed this up in Discord and Discord never lets you spellcheck and I type fast without ever proofreading.
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