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_ToSS_

FacePalmer Feb 28th, 2014 497 Never
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  2. ________________________________
  3. Introduction to FacePalm’s ToSS
  4. ________________________________
  5.  
  6. The following information constitutes FacePalm’s "Terms of Service Static". Each Chapter will mandatorily familaris[rampantly.li]e each prospective user with our Conditions of [Ab]Use. You must agree to each and every permutation and following (imagined, tangential and potentially possible), as well as anything associated with all and any future modifications, musings, daydreams, vocalisations (both sub- and actual) that our illustrious leader and God-In-Kind Mr Mark[ed] SluggerBlerg may possibly, or potentially, or in passing, or has-never-actually-cogitated-over-but-in-actuality-could-have-at-any-time contemplated in any form, manner, format, style or mental shaping in any past, present, future or parallel life. If you do not agree to these Terms, you will be perpetually diverted into our custom made post-digital isolation pit, and your digital [im]print will be consistently and deliberately shunted into continual obsolescence.
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  11. _________________________________________________________________________________
  12. Chapter 1: “If you ever [k]need[le] info about anyone [sh]at Harvard, just ask.”
  13. _________________________________________________________________________________
  14.  
  15. _How we [ab]use the fomented firehosings we receive:_
  16.  
  17. Although we prot[ej]ect the in[de]form.[decaying.n]ation[states] we receive about you, we also use the information we r[|d]eceive about you in conn[d]ec[ep]tion with the serVi[le.fae]ces and features we provide to you and other [ab]use[d]rs like your friends, our [smothering.&.slavering.]partners, the advertisers that pur[r.long.and.moolah.hard. &.]chase [u+ur.right-re]ads on the s[violently.strangling.n]ite[s], and the dE[n]velopers that bu[s]i[Eve+AdaMe]ld the games, a[su]pplications, and websites you use. For [a.rotten+sodden]ex[s]ample, in addition to h[Y]elping [thru.Ra]pe[d.lo]op[ho]le[s,.we] see[the] and fi[cklE]nd things that you do and [do not ]share, we[eping] may[be/constantly] use the information we r[d]eceive about you:
  18.  
  19. •     As[pretend.guardians,] part of our efforts to keep [in.ur.]FacePalm’s products, s[lurred.&decaying.s]ervices and inte[deni]grations safe[ty.free] and sec[All]ur[ing]e;
  20.  
  21. •     To pro[t|]ject FacePalm's or [any.]others [we.deem.can.take.ur.data] rights or property;
  22.  
  23. •     To prov[s]id[l]e[up.2.] you with lO[ily.in]ca[n]t[at]ion features and services, like telling you and your friends wh[at.2.do,.how.2.breathe,.how.2.think.+.make.shrunk]en something is going on nearby;
  24.  
  25. •     To m[r]ea[ity.as]sure or understand the eff[inv]ectiveness of ads you and others see, including to de-Liver[&.de-Kidney.&de-Heart.ur.privacy.bodies.with.toxically] relevant ads;  
  26.  
  27. •     To make s[l]ug[slime-like.in]gestions to you and [all] other users on FacePalm, such as: sug[con(ned)]gesting that your “friend” [ab]use our con[No]Tact im[de]porter because you found friends [ab]using it, s[hame.s]uggesting that another [addicted]user add you as a friend because the [ab]user im[de]ported the same [privacy.rough.shodding]email address as you did, or suggesting that your friend t[info.fr]ag you in a picture they have uploaded with you in it; and
  28.  
  29. •     For int[f]ernal [t]op[+.bottom.+inverse.desp]erations, including tr[d]oubleshooting[any.deviations], data analysis, [Gro]tes[que(uing)]ting, research and ser[de-]Vice Imp[s.+.Devils.g]rove[lling.mo]ment[s]. G[Self]Ranting us perm[anent.+.irrevocable.+.*soul* .cementing.adm]ission[s] to use your [s]information not only [G]allows us to pro[di]vide FacePalm as it exists today, but it also [sw]allows [yo]u[into.perpetually.documented.hell]s to prov[s]ide[line] you with [ultimately.b]inn[able.+.b]ov[ine.loc]ative f[ractiously.sh]eat[hed(onist.l)]ures and services [u.don’t.need.&.]we develop in the future that use the information we r[d]eceive about you in ne[a]w[fully.caged] ways.  
  30.  
  31. While you [d]are [to] [swallow.+.let.us.data.snap.u,.giv]ing us t[he.right.t]o use the information we receive about you, you [(meaning.*us*).wIll.] always o[p]wn all of your inform[l(c)ess.pit.dil]ation. Your t[Cognitive]Rust is important to us, which is why we don't [openly.inform.you.about.how.we.sell.ur.digital.scent.and.market.]share information we receive about you with others.
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  35. -3-
  36. ________________________________________________________________________________
  37. Chapter 2: “I have over 4,000 emails, p[r]i[vacy-blasting.tin]ctures, addresses, S[oul]N[egating]S[hareables].”
  38. ________________________________________________________________________________
  39.  
  40. _In[de]formation we r[d]eceive about you:_
  41.  
  42. We receive a number of difFer[v]ent[ly.insidious] types of information about [ever]yo[ne.including.]u. You[.+.ur.significant.othe]r['s] information is the in[de]formation that's requ[des]ired when you sign u[r.life.way.with.no.chance.of hel]p f[r]o[m.o]r th[rough.th]e site, as well as the in[de]formation you choose to sh[gl]ar[ingly.expos]e.
  43.  
  44. •     Re[tention]Gistration in[de]formation:
  45. When you sign up for FacePalm, you are requi[Code]Red to pro[di]vide[.ur.compartmentalised.self] in[de]formation such as your name[never.deletable], email address[never.deletable], birthday [never.deletable], and gender [which.we.will.give.u.an.eventual.myriad.of.choices.2.select.from, 2.distract.u.from.our.perpetual.monit(wh)oring ]. In some cases, you may be able to register using [b]other[some] in[de]formation, like your [easily.commoditised.+.deliciously.marketable.] telephone Numb[&Numb]er.
  46.  
  47. •     In[de]formation you [have.can(k)not.actually]choose to sh[p]are[.down]:
  48. Your in[de]formation also includes the [s]information you ch[l]oose[ly.claim.ownership.over] to share on FacePalm, such as when you p[l]o[o]s[e]t a status update, [“s]up[“]load a p[icture.u.can.never.again.claim.as.private]Ho[e]to, or comment on a friend's st[social.media.gl]ory. It also includes the information you choo[refu]se to share [with.us] when you communicate with us, s[m]uch as w[e’d.like.u.2.w]hen you contact us using an email address [now.never.private], or when you take an action [now.never.private], such as when you add a friend [now.never.just.urs], like a P[roduce.Pl]a[cement.A]ge or a website[blinded.by.constant.streams.of.vomited.hosings], add a place to your story [now.never.private], use our con[Non-]Tact im[de]porters, or indicate you are in a relationship [now.never.private]. Y[Now.+.forever.considered]Our[s] n[g]ame, pro[de]file[d] pictures, cover photos, gender, net[ted.+.bagged.in.ur.signed.-.away.-.Copyrighted.-.splendour]works, uSer[Vile]name and [ab]User ID[AND.Ego.AND.SuperEgo] are treated just like information you [do.not.and.cannot.remove,.or]choose to make public. Your b[&.our.M]irthday [sw]allows[any+all.confidentiality] us to do things [2.u.]like show you [Dam]age[d]-[In+Outré]appropriate content and [h]ad [it.up.2.here.with.blip]vertisements.
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  53. _________________________________________________________________________
  54. Chapter 3: “People [shouldn’t.have] j[tr]ust[ed.us.or] submitted [to] it.
  55. I don't know why [they.did].”
  56. _________________________________________________________________________
  57.  
  58. _Dis[agreements.and.powerless.]pu[ke]t[i]es:_
  59.  
  60.    You will[&.cannot.not] re[dis]solve any cla[use/phrase/word/text/silence,.however.d]im[ming], c[fr]au[d]se of [despair.tr]action or dis[re]pute (cl{m}aim{ing}) you have with us arising out of or [ strangled.&.strange]relati[o]n[shippin]g to this Statement or FacePalm [monoligarchical]exclusively in the F.U.D. District Court for the Northern Distress of Fornicatia or a state court located in San Enemyo Country, and you agree to submit to the person[ific]a[tion.of.al]l jurisDic[k.Fac]tion[s] of such c[j]o[ke.h]urts for the purpose of litigating all such cl[m]aims. The laws of the State of Fornicatia will govern this Statement, as well as any cl[m]aim that m[w]i[ll]ght aRise[.up.u.will.not] between you and us, without regard to conflict of l[h]aw[-ha-haw].
  61.  
  62.     If a[ll.and/or.a]nyone brings a cl[m]aim against us[,.we.will.] re[tai]l[i]ated to[&.against] your act[1:scene.bloodshed.amongst.the.data.l]ions, content or in[de]formation on FacePalm, you will [never.i(de)n(tify)demnify and hold us hArm[y-ready]less from [h]and[2.hand.data-combat] against all dam[n]ages, [g]losses, and exPens[iv]es of any [no]kind[nesses.here] (inc{De}luding reasonable legal f[l]ees and c[oncealment.h]ost[age]s) related to such cl[m]aim. Although we pro[test.2.much]vide rules for [ab]user conduct, we do not control[l] [and/]or [mis]direct [ab]users' [f]actions on FacePalm, and are not re[prehensible]ponsible for [all] the content or in[de]formation [mis]users transmit or share on FacePalm. We are not [ir]responsible [and.will.parade]for any of[de]fensive, inappropriate, ob[trendy.+.obscurant.]scene, unlAwful or [Look!]O[(ver)!] ther[e!]wise objectionable con[ned]tent or in[de]formation you ma[ssively+messil]y en[un]co[ver.p]unter on FacePalm. We are not r[adically.r]esponsible for the con[in+de]duct[ive.streams], whE[i]ther online or offline, or any [ab]user of FacePalm.
  63.  
  64.     WE TRY TO KEEP FACEPALM ARTIFICALLY PUMPED, BUG-FREE-[FOR_THE_ADVERTISERS], AND SAFE FOR_YOU_HAPLESS_PRODUCT_CHURNERS, BUT YOU ABUSE IT AT YOUR OWN RISK. WE ARE PROVIDING FACEPALM AS IS WITHOUT ANY [REAL_CARE_OR_THOUGHT_FOR_YOUR_PRIVACY,] EXPRESS[ED] OR IMPLIED. YOU AGREE TO WARRANTLESS INTERVENTIONS, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED AND CONSTANT HARRASSMENTS OF MERCHANTABILITY, FIGURATIVE DUTY OF CARE FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND INFRINGEMENT_OF_ALL_OF_YOUR_RETAINED_AND_ *RETRAINED* _DIGITAL_IDENTITIES. WE DO NOT GUARANTEE THAT FACEPALM WILL ALWAYS BE HERE OR FUNCTIONING IN ANY REASONABLE CAPACITY, OR WILL PROVIDE SAFE, SECURE OR ERROR-FREE ENGAGEMENT, OR THAT FACEPALM WILL ALWAYS FUNCTION WITHOUT ERUPTIONS, DELAYS OR IMPERFECTIONS. FACEPALM IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS, CONTENT, INFORMATION, OR DATA, OR ANYTHING AT ALL RELATED TO FACEPALM, FOR NOW AND FOREVER, AMEN.
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  67. -5-
  68. _________________________________________________________________
  69. Chapter 4: “Th[W]eY[es.u.and.me.both] ‘trust me’…Dumb f[L]ucks.”
  70. _________________________________________________________________
  71.  
  72. _FacePalm Termination:_
  73.  
  74. If you violate the letter[,.word,.space,.punctuation,.emoticon.or.symbol] or spirit[.voodoo,.hoodoo,.dogmatic,.orthodox,.and.all.other.forms] of this St[G]ate[d.detach]ment, or otherwise create [f]risk[y.trouble.for.us] or possible legal exposure for us, we can stop providing all or part of FacePalm to you [,.but.we.will.retain.ur.data.&.everything.about.u.that.u. *ever*.logged.with.us,.forever]. We will [k]notify you by [stringing.up.ur.info.in2.unzippable.dross. &] email or at the next time you attempt to access your account [,.confuse.u.with.jargonesque. detritus]. You may also [attempt.2]delete your account or disable your application at any time[:.good.luck.with.that!]. In all such cases, this ToSS shall [s(h)elf.de]terminate, but the following provisions will still apply: 1-2, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, 5-6, 6-7, 7-8, 8-9, 9-10, ad[denDum(b)>]infinitum>etcetera.
  75.  
  76. _FacePalm Privacy:_
  77.  
  78. Your privacy is [(k)not.at.all] important to us. We deSig[h.+.snigger.+.know.u.r.con]ned [by] our Data [ab]Use Poli[t|]cy to make important disclo[info.stitches.&.]S[ut]ures about how you can use FacePalm to [be.en]s[nared.by.us.the.Fox,.&.u.the.]Hare with others, and how we coll[inj]ect[u.+.urs.in2.our.permanent.records.] and [ab]use your content and [lure.u.to.purge.more]information.  
  79.  
  80. _Sharing Your Con[ned]tent and [De]Information:_
  81.  
  82. You [.-.meaning.”we”.-.]own all of the con[ned]tent and [de]information you p[l]ost on FacePalm, and you can[(k)not] conTrol[l] how it is shared through your priVac[uousl]y and [T]app[ed.supp]lication settings. In [m]addition:
  83.  
  84. 1.      For con[ned]tent that is c[sm]o[thered.o]vered by intellectual prop[p]e[d.up.pube]rty rights, like ph[g]o[-]tos and videos (IP{inged} con{ned}tent), you specifically “give” us the fo[u]ll[harr]owing permission[s], subject to your priVac[uous]y and [T]app[ed.supp]lication settings: you grant us a non-trans[pre]ferable, sub-lI[n]censable, royalty-laden, world[.+.universe.+.galaxy.+.solar.system,.infinitum>etcetera.]wide license to use any IP con[ned]tent that you post on or in[.or.thru.or.inbetween.or.imaginary.or.invisible.or.as-yet-actualised] connection with FacePalm (IP License). This IP License [never.ever.]ends when you delete your IP con[ned]tent or your [never.brought.2]account unless your con[ned]tent has been [en]s[nared.by.us.the.Fox,.+.u.the.]Hare with others, and they have not deleted it.
  85.  
  86. 2.      When you [attempt.to.fruitlessly.]delete IP content, it is [un]deleted in a manner similar to emptying the recycle bin on a computer[:that.is,.truly.never]. However, you unDer[p]stand that remOve[r.used]d con[ned]tent may peR[e]sist[deletion] in bAck[!]up copies for[ever,.*not*.] a reasonable periOd[d] of time.
  87.  
  88. 3.      WHen [u,.the.housed.fodder.are] using an [S]application, the a[su]pplication may ask for your permission to access your con[ned]tent and in[de]formation as well as con[ned]tent and in[de]formation that others have shared with you.  We require [T]app[ing.ur.app]lications to resp[In(e)j]e[st,.however.adjun]ct[,] your privac[uousn(m)ess(il)]y, and you’re a[e]gre[gious]E[le]ment with that a[su]pplication will control how the [s]application can [ab]use, store, and trans[inter]fer[e.with] that con[ned]tent and information.
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