Getting over it

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[22:40] Reito Shimasu says, "Here."
[22:40] Reito Shimasu says, "Sit down... Ethan..."
[22:44] Ethan gave a small nod before he breathed in a bit of air and... Sat down. Right by the water, legs crossed and in a much more comfortable way. His lips parted, a question being asked before they even begin.

"Why are you holding it all in?"
(Ethan Hawke)
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[22:47] She knelt there, staring at the water quietly. It wasn't... The best place she wanted to go to. But her usual spot? Taken by Angels. Her second usual spot? Destroyed. The crime of life extending past it's borders, she figured.

"... I... Cried a lot, after Roh told me," she admitted, "I'd cry, get tired, fall asleep, wake up, and just repeat the process. I didn't want to be home because everywhere I went I just smelled... Him. Constantly. I think I'm rather cried out, at this point, honestly..." She released the faintest of sighs, shutting her eyes.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[22:50] He listened quietly as she spoke, keeping his gaze onto her all the while before a soft nod came from him. His attention shifted away from the Kitsune, and onto the water soon enough.

".. I see."

That's all he could say. All he could bring himself to say.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[22:52] "How do you feel?" she asked. It was a weird question but... She couldn't think of anything else to say, but she knew she needed to say something. She continued staring forward. Honestly, she looked exhausted. Her lack of sleep reflected itself perfectly, and her hair looked like she hadn't even brushed it.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[22:55] "Afraid."

There was no moment of hesitation before he spoke. His answer came as fast as humanly possible, leaving no other option to be possible. He was terrified; terrified of the world, of hurting others, of hurting himself, of living without his brother, and of others. He couldn't fathom a life like this.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[22:55] Reito Shimasu says, ".... You will.. Meditate. You'll become calm."
[22:56] Reito Shimasu says, "We'll make this better."
[22:56] Reito Shimasu says, "I can't perform Sunyata yet, or else I'd offer that. So this is the best we can do."
[22:56] Ethan Hawke says, "..."
[22:56] Ethan Hawke says, "I had it under control for a while."
[22:56] Ethan Hawke says, "I thought it would be that way forever."
[22:57] Reito Shimasu says, "Mmm... No."
[22:58] Reito Shimasu says, "I want to make something very clear to you."
[22:58] Reito Shimasu says, "Okay?..."
[22:58] Reito Shimasu says, "You're not at fault. The illness inside of you, is. Which is curable, treatable."
[22:59] Reito Shimasu says, "It's the magic which we hate, not the user... Never the user."
[23:01] Ethan Hawke says, "..."
[23:02] Ethan Hawke says, "I want to control it. To control myself."
[23:03] Reito Shimasu says, "Quincy learned to control it."
[23:03] Reito Shimasu exclaims, "So.... We need to do the same thing!"
[23:03] Ethan Hawke says, "... I thought I did, too."
[23:05] Ethan shook his head a bit, accepting this truth, at the very least.

"But.. it seems I didn't. I let it take control of me again. I let it take control of my life. If it weren't for the others, it could've taken control of yours, too."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[23:13] She frowned. The reminder that she was previously an unwilling occult user bothered her, especially now. She continued staring at the water, nodding,

"... I showed it to Allende, because I thought I was strong, suddenly. I had learned something - on my own, after he had taught me all about the Fourfold Path... and... Mana circuitry..." she couldn't help but chuckle at that, shaking her head, "And he took me out, away from Huangzhou and explained to me what it was. What it was bound to do. He said that it was taboo in Huangzhou. I got... Scared. I thought I was going to lose my mind, no matter what I did and I wanted it gone. Ohhh, I wanted it out of me, so desperately.

"I was scared to tell anyone. He said he'd tell Rikona, because I was paranoid I'd get in trouble. But then I met Salthiel, and I felt like I could trust him, so I told him... And he immediately led me to Zeriel and told him." She didn't smile. She should have, due to the memory but she just didn't have it in her. "They didn't care. I - … I ultimately felt a connection to Jiuweihu and it may sound corny or whatever, but through my own devotion, it was purged. Sure... I can never use Holy magic like Satsuki but I worked around it myself." She paused briefly, bringing a hand up to look at it before she dropped it,

"I thought back then it was the user that was to blame. That's why I was so scared, because I thought I had done... Something.... Wrong. That I was being punished. But I learned quickly it isn't the person, it's just the magic. The only time that the user is to blame is when they let it control them." She looked towards him, nodding, "You're fighting it. That's good."
(Reito Shimasu)
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[23:17] He felt like the girl deserved a bit of a story, too, after telling hers. His lips parted and his heart opened.

"It wasn't an issue until a few years ago. I was... Doing just fine. Sometimes I'd be a bit more mean than I intended but it wasn't anything to go crazy over. And then... well, lots happened. I was betrayed. Manipulated. Used. Over and over and over. It kept on happening, and eventually I just felt I couldn't trust anyone. Anyone at all. I started being... Paranoid. And I lost it. Everytime Ashera would force me to spar with her it got worse— I couldn't tell her no, though. She would've ended up running into Dawn to avenge her kid."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[23:17] Ethan Hawke says, "I just..."
[23:17] Ethan Hawke says, "I want to be able to hold myself back."
[23:30] She nodded some, remaining quiet.

"So the more you fought, the more it took you over. And that's also why you thought I was going to betray you, or already had. Well... You said you wanted to meditate, right, Ethan?" She asked now.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[23:31] Ethan gave a small nod to that question, lips parting in order to properly answer.

"Yeah. It... helped last time. I think it'll help now, too."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[23:31] Reito Shimasu asks, "Okay.... Do you hear that? The sound of the water?"
[23:37] Ethan Hawke says, "... Yeah. Obviously."
[23:37] Reito Shimasu says, "Okay... Then focus on that, Ethan."
[23:38] She nodded out towards the water,

"Go ahead and focus on that sound, of the water. Okay? Tune everything else out and just focus purely on that. Empty out every other thought in your head except for the water.... Water always moves, from one place to another. It's never.... It never just sits there in one place never doing anything."
(Reito Shimasu)
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[23:41] Despite his skepticism of the girl's methods Ethan listened. His brother had a much, much better way to meditate, one that didn't require so much... Focusing and thinking. He couldn't concentrate on one thing at all, either. Everything was moving, never sticking in the same place, always doing something else. He shook his head.

".. That's not it."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[23:42] Reito Shimasu asks, "Hm...? Then what works best for you, Ethan?"
[23:44] Ethan Hawke says, "... It only works if you do it, too."
[23:44] Ethan Hawke says, "If someone is doing it and someone else is right by them, it's... weird. Unless they're doing it, too."
[23:47] Reito Shimasu asks, "Okay then what... I sit?"
[23:48] Ethan Hawke says, "It's pretty taboo."
[23:48] Ethan Hawke says, "You'll-"
[23:48] Ethan Hawke says, "Close your eyes and open your mouth. Trust me."
[23:49] Reito Shimasu asks, ".... What is it, first?"
[23:49] Ethan Hawke says, "I can't tell you."
[23:49] Ethan Hawke says, "You have to trust me."
[23:49] She frowned, staring at him.

"You promise?"
(Reito Shimasu)
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[23:49] He nodded.

"I promise."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[23:50] She inhaled deeply before she closed her eyes, leaving her mouth open.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[23:55] Ethan shifted a bit around, scooting a bit closer to the girl as the sound of him searching around his clothes for a moment could be her. A distinct clink came, as if something was being... Opened up. A unique fragrance spread up to the Kitsune's nostrils at this point, there was no doubt about it. Holding a rod-like object in his hand the ex-soon-to-be-brother-in-law leaned a bit closer to Reito.

... Before putting it in her mouth. Not all of it, though, just the tip.

"Suck on that."

He snapped his fingers, lighting the other end of it on fire right after his words were said, allowing the aroma of soothing reed to move further out as it was burnt from within the cigarette he was slipped in-between Reito's lips. What else could it have been, after all? Ethan brought one out for himself, too, lighting it up and drawing in a long drag, allowing his perception to shift a bit.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[23:59] Her nose twitched as he withdrew... Something. It had a scent, but she wasn't familiar with it. As it was placed in her mouth and lit, the scent only grew stronger and she opened her eyes now, withdrawing the soothing reed as she inspected it.

"What... Is this...?" she asked curiously. She didn't put it back in her mouth quite yet.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[00:01] Ethan allowed what he inhaled to linger in his lungs for quite a bit before his lips parted, voice muffled by the smoke that came out.

"Soothing reed. It's what Jes used when we meditated. It works really well, just... Smoke it and you'll see. Mital's the one who introduced me to it seven years ago."

He already seemed to be a bit more relaxed.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:04] The Kitsune hesitated when he explained what it was. Howevever…

She could probably use this. This single time. She placed the plant back into her mouth and inhaled lightly - only for it to result in choking. It took her a few moments before she calmed down again, clearing her throat,

"Okay well... Go ahead and..." She waved her hand, "Meditate."
(Reito Shimasu)
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[00:07] "Shhhh...." He said as she coughed up, muffling her words with a bit of dismissal and interrupting her with his own. His eyes were shut by now, but the hint of a smile appeared on his lips, very slightly so.

"Do you hear this? The water's... Not just moving. It's being. Just like the grass. The bunnies. The butterflies. The trees. Everything just... is, yeah?"

A moment of clarity came soon after that, his mind already delving into what he couldn't accept. The first step had already been taken, and so had the second.

He had accepted to hear that Jesse was dead.
He had done something in his memory and spoke his name.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:10] She took another, shallower inhale this time. It was more tolerable. But she was already feeling... Way more relaxed than she usually did. So she just accepted it. Jesse was dead. Gone.

There wasn't even a body for her to bury - that was probably the worst bit. There was absolutely nothing left of him, besides what he had left in the house. She was silent now, simply allowing her mind to wander and grow adrift.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[00:14] Ethan kept his eyes shut and his mouth, too. For a while he'd stay completely silent. All that was left was the sound of the forest surrounding them, growing upon their souls and embracing them in its deeper groves. Slow, long breaths came in and out of him as he began thinking, meditating.

Jesse... Was gone. He had decided to leave them all behind for god-knows-what reason after proposing to Reito and telling Ethan he wanted to see just how strong he could be - how far he could push his potential. Was there a reason he'd ever understand? He didn't think so. His mind told him there was no way he'd ever find out by just thinking about it and that if it was meant to be known he'd know.

Accepting that he would never know why Jesse went to Dawn was another hurdle he went over.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:23] For the Kitsune Priestess, her thoughts were stuck on every single memory, playing over and over in her head. Jesse talking about marriage to Satsuki, before he had even asked her. They both had just assumed it would happen - neither had thought about what the other wanted.

Because they both knew already.

And Satsuki... At first appeared to disagree with it, but then it turned out she was perfectly okay with it all. That Jesse and Satsuki were more alike than they had realized. They were going to climb the mountain and perform the final ritual... Together. They were going to received Jiuweihu's blessing together and Jesse had even wanted to do the marriage right then and there, immediately after the ritual.

But that would never happen now.

The Shimasu family was cursed and it was plain as day to her, right then and there. She had meant to turn it around, to make it something... Proud. Something noble. Instead it had ended before she had even really began.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[00:37] The thoughts of his brother's death were progressing further as he allowed his thoughts to guide themselves with no worries nor barrier. His heart wanted to address the circumstances of Jesse's death at this point. Was it worth worrying about? Ethan thought that it wasn't. That he shouldn't. That swearing revenge upon god-knows-who wasn't going to change anything. If they were meant to see Jesse again, then they would. Fighting and risking his life over something he would never know the truth of was pointless.

And so, Ethan accepted that, too.
He allowed himself to keep his sanity and not obsess.
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:43] She eventually opened her eyes. She had already done her major bit of reflection on Jesse's death previously already. She withdrew the plant from the mouth and placed it in the water to extinguish what bit was set on fire. Now, she opted to just sit by the water, staring at it, and while she was still upset and probably would always be.... Well....

She was no longer going to burst into tears randomly over the thought of Jesse Hawke.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[00:47] A step by step process might not be the way most people went through grief, though for Ethan it was... How he dealt with his issues. His obsession with that rift had been 'cured' by the process of going step by step and deeper into Elisheva's tome to learn spatial magic. His methods weren't bad, but they definitely had some odd quality to them.

What came to his mind next was, well, the funeral. What should he say? Should he be the one announcing it? He felt like Reito should— like she deserved to host it at the very least. He'd take his time speaking. They had no remains to bring and... Shen's attire wasn't quite Jesse's, either. Maybe he'd ask Reito to process it all.

... All in all, Ethan accepted his brother's death. He wasn't happy about it, but... He knew it was real. He knew he had to control himself and not lose his mind over it, too.

"... I think I'm good."
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:53] She was glad he spoke up, because she wasn't sure how much longer she could sit in silence. She nodded, as she moved to stand up,

"... I still need to um..." she mumbled this, not too sure how to word it, "I still need to travel to the mountain and-..." She trailed off. Silent. Even after everything it was still too hard to think about it.
(Reito Shimasu)
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[00:53] Ethan didn't look towards her. She probably didn't want him to look that way, anyway. His lips parted, though, an offer being made.

"Do you need me to come?"
(Ethan Hawke)
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[00:54] Reito Shimasu says, "If... You want."
[00:55] Reito Shimasu says, "I know you were never really religious, and I know that... That Satsuki is coming with me."
[00:55] Reito Shimasu says, "But - .... Yeha."
[00:55] Ethan Hawke says, "If I want isn't you needing me."
[00:55] Reito Shimasu says, "It'd be.... Nice... Yes."
[00:55] Ethan Hawke says, ".. Alright."