moolee 2-2

line 17
>Her gaze slowly passes over us, knowing we're dying for the answer.  She has a calm, placid look on her face while she scans our expressions.
It looks like you kinda said the same thing twice

>lines 49 to 51
I feel like there should be some denotation of a timeskip here

line 51
>loosing
no

>We've been sitting on the steps outside the dorms, classes over for the day.
There's nothing inherently wrong about this sentence, but "sitting" doesn't say a lot about how the group is acting. Maybe they're lazing about on the steps, or sitting bolted upright in an anxious manner, or something, but "sitting" is just crass.

>She's changed out of her uniform for a pair of jeans and a red T-shirt adorned with an English flag and the word “NORTON”
On to adjective usage; I noticed a distinct lack of description of Ikuno's own body. As I understand it, she's supposed to be deliciously chubby or something, but there is no comment on how her clothes fit her, so we can't really see it. Truth be told, you'll want to have this kinda thing down pat if you plan on making any sort of H-content, since you won't have sprites or CGs to supplement it. We gots to know what kinda curves Molly has.

line 55
>girls weekend
Is this supposed to be girl's? Or girls'?

line 67
>uncles
no

line 83
>I mean, don't get me wrong or anything, I couldn't hate her if I tried
The comma between "anything" and "I" should be a semicolon or a period, since the thoughts on both sides of it are complete sentences.

line 99
>Welp
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/welp
I know that it's slang and all, but it seems unprofessional. Usage of the word is also a stylistic decision, so you really shouldn't pay too much attention to what I have to say. My main concern is that it will seem foreign to people who don't already know the jargon.

line 101
>“It's going to be sooo hard,” Molly says, standing up and embracing Ikuno quickly.  “Catch me something good!” she says, releasing her.
Two things. The word "sooo" sounds like it would be sarcasm, but no indication is made. Also "X says" is something you seem to be getting into writing quite often. It gets repetitive.

line 109
>walks, sits
Refer to the first half of what I was saying about line 51

lines 135 and 55 and 241
>before—perhaps even better now, actually—but
I'm fairly sure that the formatting should look like this:
before -perhaps even better now, actually- but
since I believe you should treat each of the dashes as if it was an opening or closing parenthesis

lines 155-159
I think the master of romance jokes are getting pretty damn old. You should write your own jokes instead of relying on memetic material

line 185
This part reminded me of how impressed I was with previous descriptions pertaining to the music room, inanimate objects, etc. It just doesn't seem like the descriptions of characters and such are doing the same for me. Try and get those to an equal level

line 209
>“oh,
Should be capitalized

line 251
>lost expression
"lost" sounds like "confused" to me. I like "distant" and "absent" a lot more.

line 287
>the schools gate.
What a way to finish. Come on; "school's" is possessive, not plural.