open mic worthy bits

I’m in my mid 20s, which means a good portion of you guys are roughly 10 years older than me. It’s not really a generational gap since it’s only like half a generation, but it’s at least a generational pothole. Those of you who fit this description all could have been my babysitter. Not like all of you at once; that would be chaos, unless you guys all formed together and became the Voltron of babysitters, if anybody doesn’t know what Voltron is, you’re not the group of people I am addressing here. Anyway, I’m 6’4”, 300 lbs now but at one point in time I used to be a lot smaller than you half-a-generation older lot; you could’ve given me piggy back rides or even carried me on your shoulders. Could you imagine if we did that now? We could reach everything! The world would be our oyster, and the oyster crackers on the top shelf would be our world. I wanted to write more material that could bridge our little generational gap and make people make age or younger laugh and also cover the correct bases to achieve a laugh out of the 30+ crowd as well. So get ready to be evenly satisfied by this one liner: Justin Bieber and Claire Danes walk into a bar; Justin Bieber gets knocked unconscious and I’m not really sure who Claire Danes is. Seriously, I tried searching her name on imdb but I was redirected to the AARP website and got a pop-up for Viagra. I know that joke wasn’t exactly an episode of Friends, but I hope you liked it nonetheless.

If I go two or three days in a row without writing any material whatsoever, I feel like I’m completely worthless. Conversely, when I come up with new material two or three days in a row, I feel like I’m completely worthless. It’s comforting to know that I’ll always at least feel that. I really do get bummed out when I go just two days without thinking of anything funny. If I go three or more days without writing anything, I decide that I’m in a major slump and I start to get really stressed out and worry about the longevity of my humor.  3 or 4 days may not seem like a very long time, but I’m trying to turn comedy into a career and I know from experience that if I don’t show up to work 3 or 4 days in a row, I get fired. I hope comedy doesn’t fire me; I don’t want to end up like Eddie Murphy, having to do multi-million dollar movie deals to scrape by.

Would anyone here be interested in seeing a movie about a middle-eastern woman who moves to America and is driven to erotic dancing as a means to pay her bills? The movie's title: Gaza Striptease. What if she has a sassy friend who at some point tells her, "girl you need to lose that hijab and find yourself huh job!"? I also am working on a movie that I'm calling "Puppy Murder". It's not what you think it is. Were you thinking it's a movie about puppies being murdered? Okay maybe you're right.

I never read the Genesis story in the bible but someone told me recently that it's just a basic origin story. You know, God took out Adam's rib and pumped a layer of adamantium into his body. Made him fight a female version of himself who I think was named Hugh Jackwoman. He joined up with Professor Xavier to fight Gandalf.


I'm really down to earth. I named my intergalactic hover board John Everyman.

I'm currently giving back to the community by developing a hybrid course for my local adult learning center. By hybrid course, I of course mean that the class teaches two different subjects simultaneously. So the class I'm developing is called Introductory Spanish and The Importance of Consent, so all the material has to simultaneously cover rudimentary Spanish and laws regarding sexual assault. First lesson is, "no means no." I'm hoping to singlehandedly bring an end to sexual assault in Hispanic countries.

I’m on a low carb diet because I’m trying to get into shape, or at least I’m trying to turn my current shape, oval, into a better shape like maybe a rectangle or at least a smaller oval. The only shape I’m absolutely opposed to becoming is a trapezoid because I have no idea what that would entail. I’ve been eating pork rinds because they’re low carb unlike my usual diet of pizza and shame. I was at the grocery store the other day, sadly walking past real food in my search for pork rinds, which are, let’s face it, are about as edible as a football. I found a bag of pork rinds by a brand called Yoder’s and on the bag it read, “They’re Grandma Good!” I thought, “there’s no way these taste that good.” I had to know, though, so I bought them and, wasting no time, opened them up in the parking lot and popped one in my mouth and holy crap it tasted exactly like my grandmother.

As someone who was Hindu in a previous life, I am offended by the phrase YOLO.

I hope I don't come across a genie. I'm just not very specific when giving instructions and I just know I would fuck myself over. I'd say something like, "I wish to lose 50 lbs" and then poof my arms are gone.

I think it’s cool how abundant social networking is these days. It has made it so that online dating is super common now. I actually met my girlfriend at a party, which is very 1985 of me, but interesting fact, I met my mother online. I mean, I had a mom already, but she was getting old and hinting at wanting to move in with my girlfriend and me, so I went online and found a mom who is a much better match for me. My new mom is into the same movies and literature as I am; she used to act in off Broadway productions, which is way cooler than anything my old mom ever did. Oh and she's also anti-child abuse, which is super refreshing.

I recently had to Google, “is it okay to use bleach wipes as toilet paper?” only to realize that I probably should have done that before the incident. My asshole is still on fire.

I have a 5 year plan to become famous, and I’m on like the 8th year so it should be happening like super soon.


1.I’m really into conspiracy theories. Not any of the mainstream ones about 9/11 or JFK; I'm really into this theory that somewhere hidden in the white house is a file containing sizes and descriptions for the penises of every United States president. I’m absolutely convinced that this document exists and honestly the only thing I’m uncertain about is which president had the largest penis, because there are a shit ton of theories about whose package is largest. Excluding black presidents of course because that's just unfair. Some historians theorize that Richard Nixon's penis is the largest, but I think that shit is just a scandal. There’s a reason they called him old tricky dick. My hope is that it turns out to be an upset victory situation and someone you’d expect to have a really small dick turns out to have the biggest, someone like Hoover or Taft. More than likely it's George Washington. The most damning clue is the Washington monument. I do think it's fishy that they would just make a giant dick shaped monument for the hell of it. Some believe that the monument clue is a deception but those people don't know dick. I think it was George Washington who had the biggest presidential wiener and I also believe that he did cut down that cherry tree... with his D! Disney should make a National Treasure movie about this. Why am I talking about presidential penis I forgot that I was trying to market myself to a family friendly demographic. Mostly I've just been trying to throw the phrase, "oh my goodness" into more bits but I don't think that would be enough here. Oh my goodness.

The other day somebody insulted me by calling me “half a meatball.” I was confused and hungry.

I want to market a line of extra large condoms called Anacondoms. Any investors interested?

I saw an advertisement for blackpeoplemeet.com. That’s pretty messed up that you can buy human flesh online and it’s even more messed up that the market is segregated.

How about a round of kill fuck marry. The father, the son, the holy ghost. Go!