But not rebellious just for the sake of being a rebel. For the sake of just making sense. I’m not someone
who just goes with things or does what he’s told without wanting to understand the bigger picture, the how, or the why etc.
I’m also an extremely logical and Analytical thinker. If you know MBTI types im an INTP

As things started for me, i already had ADD/ADHD, was a fairly introverted person, and was a bit more analytically driven than most.
All fairly minor things tbh, I was a well adjusted kid growing up in the suburbs riding my bike.

Then my "trauma" occurred, if you want to call it that. (Forced to moved to new country, parents split, mom left, dad checked out.)
The depression and anxiety followed suite, and the limerence wasn’t far behind.
Without going to far into my life story, i ended up spending a lot of time online. Most of my friends were from online, and where i met my eventual LO.


My Limerence.

My Limerence seems to be less common than most ive read about.  We were friends, then close, then best friends. Then there were a lot of feelings on both sides, that for the longest time were just unspoken and enjoyed for what they were. Couple years down the line queue mental health issues on both sides, we were young and they got the better of us.
Things start slowly getting worse between us, and that started to build the limerence or feed what was already there. Until we ended up no longer talking. Then i went full Limerent lol

This is where my one of my biggest hurdles still is, and where the analytical logical rebellious side of me cannot find a answer for.
Was the limerence always there? When did it come about? Where did the honest feelings end and the limerence start?
A lot of those question also lead on to bigger questions because that was the first and only time i felt something that resembles falling in love.

I've run my head in circles trying to unpack and separate what was real vs the limerence but I’ve gotten to the point where i don’t think that’s possible.

Its been about a decade since we met now, close to half that time we've spent not talking due to a fall outs between us.
I'll be honest, no amount of NC has ever done anything for me. It helps get over any expectations of regular communication, but that was it. Nothing in terms of feelings.
After our first NC that lead to quick rise and crash to another NC happened, I knew something was wrong with me.
I really felt emotionally broken because i would go from being my normal INTP self, to this emotion spewing fountain of a mess,  if back with my LO. (Which surprise, is why we had fall out after fall out)
Brightside to that is, it fueled me to fix being "emotionally broken". Turns out i wasn’t, but it lead me down a huge path of becoming more Intune with my emotional side.
Eventually years later finding MBTI and plugging together even more pieces about how and why my brain works the way it does.
Later leading to reading about Limerence, and finding this sub.

MBTI and Limerence are things i only found within the last year, and i have to say they were huge in overcoming the feelings of helplessness i felt. Getting a new job and pushing myself out of a depression at the same time helped as well.
Finally understanding what happened and why, helped those feelings of being helplessly crazy so much.


So here i am today. Finally feel like i have the full story. Did so much overthinking along the way ive gotten a better grip on my mental health, and I’ve been able to make it stick thanks to micro dosing psychedelics. ( Seriously a life changing miracles.)

Finally ready to heal from growing up so intertangled with limerence.