The Case of Anonymous vs. Armor, Part Six

>LAST TIME.
>After Twilight's impromptu creep attack, you knuckled down with SOmbra, signing some stuff so that he'd be your lawyer under contract or something.
>You weren't really paying attention
>You were completely tired - it'd been a big day after all
>And after you signed the paperwork, Sombra unceremoniously threw you out onto the street.
>You stumbled around, until you were able to find a decent bridge to sleep under.
>It was a nice, clear night, so you didn't freeze.
>Luckily you were covered in dirty, greasy, smelly paper.
>Still.
>Fucking Celestia.
>AND NOW, WE REJOIN THE ACTION.
>In order to get a more, authentic, auditory experience, several BBC microphones have been placed around Canterlot, for a more, ambient recorded.
>Now, read on.
>Your dreams are taunted with images of ponies, gnashing and wailing in despair as all government functions cease
>The police don't get paid
>The firemen don't get paid
>The doctors don't get paid
>The trash collecters don't get paid
>The Royal Cake Budget doesn't get refilled
>All these good, hardworking ponies sent into the street
>BECAUSE OF YOU, ANON!
>The voice is loud, and you seem to shatter into a thousand pieces.
>IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU WE HAVE NO MOON PIES!
>The shards of yourself look at the midnight pony before you, and around you, and inside you, glaring balefully at you.
>YOU MUST THINK ABOUT OUR SUBJECTS, AND OUR PIES. BUT NOT CELESTIA'S CAKES. FOR SHE IS A BITCH.
>Can't argue with that
>I AM GLAD YOU AGREE, NOW, YOU MUST MAKE AMMENDS, NOW, ANON! LIKE, RIGHT NOW! DO IT!
>The shards of yourself are whirled round, until you are a giant of light looming over the red planet, green crosses spurting from the ground -
>You bolt upright in wakefulness.
>You quickly check your inventory
>One suit, check
>One whole body, check
>Still covered in papermulch, check
>You sigh in relief (somewhat), then look around.
>You are mildly surprised to find yourself in a cushy, well furnished room, on a lounge.
>Sunlight pours through the windows, the glare hurting your eyes.
>"Shall we begin, Anon?"
>You look left and a sitting Twilight imperiously regards you through a pair of half-moon glasses.
>Her hair is still crazy, her eyes are still crazy, and she's twicthing every so often.
>Cause she's crazy.
>You swivel your head right and lo and behold, there be Cadence and Shining Armour.
>And they look terrible.
>Cadence's immaculate hair is now a tattered rat's nest. Your face is gaunt, her fur paler, her eyes red and bloodshot.
>She looks at you with the most miserable look you think you've ever seen.
>Beside her is Shining. His eyes are deep set against his skull, his hair is a dull colour, and he looks like he hasn't bathed.
>In at least three months.
>Which is mind boggling, considering you left them yesterday.
>Shining seems to be yo-yoing between looking angry and looking sad.
>You feel a stab of guilt.
>Which is quickly buried in righteousness.
>God damn sexual-harrasment ponies.
>You turn back to Twilight.
>She's looking at you expectantly.
"Er...yes?" you say, hesitant.
>Twilight ruffles some papers.
>"Now, before we begin, I'd like to do a few excersizes, in order to help relax everyone, okay?"
>Cadence and Shining have not stopped looking at you.
>It is becoming disconcerting.
"Um...okay?"
>Twilight claps her hoofs together
>"Okay, so, here's what I want you to do. Anon: I am going to ask you a series of words, and I want you to say waht comes to mind."
"Er, alright?" You say. You're not sure any of this is even remotely legit.
>But, on the bright side, neither of the Amours have tried to molest you, and Twilight hasn't killed you, so, thumbs up thus far.
>Twilight ruffles the papers again, reading from them.
>"Alright Anon: Tree."
"Leaf"
>"Rock"
"Pebble?"
>"Sun"
"Bitch"
>Twilight looks at you, disapprovingly
>"Moon"
"Pie?" you say, remembering your dream
>"Leg"
"Foot?"
>"A-HA!"
>The Lavender Suddenly Springs, scaring the shit out of you.
"Wh-what!?"
>Twilight ruffles the papers.
>Again.
>"It's quite clear that you feel insecure about your undersized penis!"
>Shining and Cadence both gasp in shock
>You sit there, aghast
"I, how, what?" you stammer, trying to find the logic in Twilight's reasoning.
>"It's quite simple - from your continual association with small things, when I mention BIG things! That you feel smaller when compared to someone else! Like my BBFFF Shiny, who has a ginormous willy!"
>What.
>The.
>Actual.
>Fuck.
>"It's because you feel THREATENED by him in the relationship, isn't it Anon?" continues Twilight, a smug, I-have-found-the-answer-and-now-I-will-get-all-the-grades look upon her pony head.
>Is dis nigga serious?
>She can't be serious.
>You look over at Cadence, who has her hooves over her mouth, shocked. Shining is absolutely mortified.
>"Twiley? Whu-what are you saying? How do you know about-" stammers Shining, but Twilight merrily carries on.
>"So, it's quite clear to me now, that Anon just doesn't feel like he's a proper part of your relationship, because he feels like he can't satisfy either of you with his teeny, tiny tool!"
>Twilight spins around, triumphant!
>"So, in order to fully accept their Love Anon, you must accept being the WIFE in the relationship!"
>Twilight grins, amazed at her own amazingness!
>Your shock has turned to annoyance and outrage
>"Twilight Sparkle!" Cadence exclaims, beating you to the punch, "You don't seriously believe that's the issue, do you?"
>Twilight strikes a triumphant pose
>"Obviously, my logic is unassailable! I have spent the past night in deep study, and I have found the simple solution to this issue - Anon must be turned into a filly!"
>Has she gone completely mad.
>"It just so happens that I have a spell right here -"
>A purple spark sparks out of her horn, and she starts to glow.
>"-that will turn Anon into a filly!"
>The sparks intensify.
>You git scared.
>"It will also have the unfortunate side effect of turning him in a submissive sex slave, but I feel that Cadence and Shining with benefit from your new role."
>She AIMs at you, amnic glee in her eyes.
>HOLY FUCKING SHIT, GET OUTTA THERE, SHE GONNA TAKE YOUR MANHOOD SON.
>Before you can Crazy Ivan, Shining speaks up "Twiley, I don't think that's the solution!"
>[MAGIC REVVING INTENSIFIES]
>Twilight Scoffs
>"Oh?"
>"Well, yes, Anon actually has a decent sized member. I mean, I compared it the first time we, you know, touched down there" says Shining, Blushing.
>When the FUCK did THAT happen!?
>You don't remember him doing that - I mean, you'd remember if you'd touched dicks with a white cartoon unicorn.
>Did they sexually assault you in your sleep!?
>Meanwhile meanwhile, Twilight is suddenly taken aback. Her glowing has decreased, slightly.
>"What do you mean, 'decent sized'? Nothings as good as my big brother!"
>Cadence and Shining look at each other, uncomfortably.
>"Well Twilight, Anon is actually about the same size as Shining. And he can last longer, as well." Says Cadence.
>Your jimmies have entered the ionosphere
>You have no recollection of this.
>Have they been stalking you, or doing things to you while you slept?
>Or...
>Something tugs at your memory.
>Something that happened in a hotel room.
>In Las Pegasus.
>Maybe?
>No, no you'd never...
>You shake your head of the thought, and look up to see Twilight, no longer glowing, deflated, and angry.
>"Shoot!" She says. "I thought I had it!"
>She sits back down, ruffles the papers again, and looks at them.
>"I guess now that we've broken the ice, we should now..." she looks closer at the notes, "begin properly?" she says, unsure.
>Yeah, there is no way in hell this is legit.
>'So...yeah, we're now going to attempt to open up a communication between all the parties involved." Says Twilight.
>She looks up from the notes at you.
>"So, Anon," says Twilight.
>Both Cadence and Shining lean forward out of their seats.
>Twilight clears her throat.
>"...why are you such a complete and utter monster?" she asks, casually.
>Cadence and Shining look over at you, expectant, waiting for an answer.
>God fucking dammit.
>Where the hell is Sombra's associate?
>And how the hell are you going to get out of here with your manhood intact!?