Charon

Originally posted by anonymous author(s) on 4chan's /mlp/, threads 862065 and 898162.

>be Charon, ferryman of the River Styx
>you honestly love your job
>you meet all the most interesting people the mortal coil has to offer
>fuckin' RIPPED from all the rowing
>the bitches love you
>today, you are perplexed
>a mound of shivering fluffy creatures awaits at the shore
...the fuck are these?
>"fwuffy scawed..."
>you thought animals didn't have souls, but if they ended up here, you're going to ferry them
>"new fwiend?" one of the pastel little creature whimpers
>as you are not a man, you can smell the taint on this creature's soul
>like rancid meat and petrol
>you shovel the wretches into your boat with your oar
>the sin-pocked humans hold the little things to their chest
>rapists, thieves, murderers
>the humans know not what they try to protect

>all day erryday, ferrying souls to perdition
>...and every day more of these damned 'fluffy ponies' show up
>had a lovely chat with a chap that liked to cut their bellies up and fuck the guts, and learned just about everything you needed to know
>you are especially glad that they are just shades, for they would otherwise be sullying your beautiful vessel with their waste
>while talking to some stupid party whore that choked on her own bile, one of the fluffies scrapes at your shin with soft little hooves
>"whew fwuffies goin'?"
>you raise the oar to strike a dramatic pose
>Hell actually gives bonuses for hamming it up
>before you can start with the whole "Ye are the damned and fallen, headed towards blah blah blah" the fluffy ponies all start panicking
>a chorus of "SOWWY STICK" is blurted out and the little shitheads all end up falling out of the boat
>scratching your head you get back to rowing
>later you learn that the ponies were finally accounted for
>they'd been drowning for weeks until they finally wish fished out and taken to their ACTUAL punishments
>fail to give a fuck
>stop by the second circle for little of the ol' slap'n'tickle
>slapped in the face by airborne fluffy pony

>you're dropping off fluffy pony souls by the busload, if Hell had buses
>occasionally the other shades get rowdy with the helpless little pukes
>you tolerate it up until they might make a mess
>after a long day, you finally get a break
>looking around, there are a LOT of fluffy ponies being punished
>Limbo is all but overrun with them
>kind of hard to baptize a creature that can drown just by looking at water
>still, you bust a gut watching greatly respected leaders of the past struggling to deal with a teeming horde of hugging pastel fluffballs
>don't even bother with the Second Circle anymore
>got covered in the humping little turds
>wander around for a bit
>you aren't the ONLY ferrymen
>had to hire more when the entire human population could no longer fit in Yankee Stadium
>decide on an extended break
>a little sight-seeing at the work place

>you manage to avoid being covered by madly humping ponies and reach the third circle
>there's the usual guys, obese and wallowing in the frozen slush, but this place is now packed with fluffy ponies
>apparently gluttony is one of those things they take to
>they're whining about wanting "candies, sketties, ohmeal", but some of them have... stranger demands
>you count at least fifty howling for "medcin"
>Cerberus doesn't care
>you toss a fluffy pony into one of his jagged, tearing maws
>the fourth is almost comical
>while the hoarders and spenders are pushing their rocks around, the fluffy ponies can't even budge theirs
>bro fist your boy Phlegyas on the Fifth
>the fluffies seem to be taking it every hard here
>the wrathful and sullen just kicking the shit out of them
>your buddy and you shoot the shit about being ferrymen and the flood of fluffy ponies
>never liked the sixth
>frankly, fluffy ponies are too stupid to conceive of heresy

>have a lunch break in the seventh circle of Hell
>somehow there is a functioning Taco Bell down here
>the centaurs guarding the river of boiling blood don't care about the half finished burrito you toss in there
>there are fluffy ponies out the ASS in the river
>'violence against property' seems to count in all the shat upon rugs and vases knocked from tables
>they are also constantly trying to climb out of the river
>they don't seem to connect that when they leave "wed ouchy wawa" that the "big hossey fwends" cause "shawp boo-boos"
>it's funny for about ten minutes before it's just sad
>heading further, the suicides are ALSO fill to the damned brim with fluffy bushes and wailing about "mean buhdies"
>the harpies are all wearing ear plugs
>like the sixth, the third ring for violence against God has almost no fluffies
>except for one that pooped on the floor of a church
>you rented an umbrella for the desert of burning rain, and you descend into the Malebolge

>the first isn't so bad, just a bunch of demons making the Damned march for all eternity
>fluffy ponies are present
>it makes sense some would use their cuddly nature to get what they want
>you see some stupid college ho and trip her with the oar you brought
>lands right on a fluffy pony and the demons proceed to whip the everliving shit out of both
>the smell is un-fucking-imaginable as you approach the panderers' pocket
>as fluffy pony's have the lingual skills of two year olds, the concept of flattery eludes them entirely
>instead, the demons keep some fluffy ponies on hand to make MORE excrement for the Damned to wallow in
>you hurry on, that burrito sitting poorly in your stomach
>you actually manage to skip over some, since you're really just counting the ponies
>fraud is kind of a complex issue for their fluffy little brains
>the snakes of the seventh pocket sink their fangs into a few ponies who scream "sowwy fwuffy stow baww!" and "fwuffy tummy was owchies! Needed sketty!"
>they grow all kinds of weird shit with eat bite
>most of them are tripping over themselves and just keep getting bitten until they look more like wads of hairy chewing gum
>the ninth pocket is also full of plenty of ponies, because Discord does follow them rather readily
>you watch the demon work, cleaving fluffies and humans apart
>most of the fluffy ponies seem to think their severed parts are separate fluffies, hugging and asking it they want to "pway"
>just one Circle left and its back to the grind

>treachery is also a concept a little advanced for the fuzzy little morons, but you count a few of them
>you guess that accidental manslaughter counts
>the second round is almost entirely devoid of them, for politics is obviously not a pony's strong suit
>aside from one that babbled state secrets even though it didn't know what it was saying, but that's God's mercy for you...
>surprisingly enough, the third round is full of fluffy ponies
>the fluffy ponies are all crying how they're cold and hungry and all manner of inane shit
>asking around, you learn one shared act put them here
>soiling the shoes of their masters' house guests, either by poop, puke, or piddle
>finally, you reach the Big Man himself, Lucifer
>like always, he's chewing on Judas, Brutus, and Cassius like Bubble-Yum
>beneath the ice are MILLIONS of fluffy ponies
>betrayal to their benefactors seems to count for EVERYTHING a pony can do while owned that goes against their owner's wishes
>you contemplate how fucked up this is while Lucifer is punching your time card