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John x Terezi Meat Extract

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Apr 22nd, 2019
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  1. Wait. It sounds exactly like the engine of a rocket sputtering to a stop.
  2.  
  3. It can’t be. It’s impossible, you think. But why would it be impossible? Isn’t this what you were out here looking for, even if you couldn’t admit it to yourself? What’s the point in denying it now?
  4.  
  5. You turn around...
  6.  
  7. There she is, with her flaming-red rocket wings. She hovers in place, looking not a whole lot different from when you last saw her years ago. Her arms are crossed over her chest, making knifelike angles where her elbows jut out. She is giving you a look of absolute disregard. It’s an expression of exasperation so performative and habitual, it sends bolts of aching nostalgia and fondness through your heart.
  8.  
  9. Dumbly, you raise your hand and give her a dorky little wave. It does not adequately communicate whatever it is you’re feeling right now. But then, nothing else would, you suppose.
  10.  
  11. She waves back. But hearing her voice is what makes it real.
  12.  
  13. TEREZI: H3Y LOS3R
  14. JOHN: uh, how long have you been watching?
  15.  
  16. TEREZI: LONG 3NOUGH TO SM3LL YOU FL41L1NG 4BOUT L1K3 4 W1GGL3R WH1L3 T4LK1NG TO J4D3S SHO3S
  17.  
  18. JOHN: oh, heh.
  19.  
  20. JOHN: awkward.
  21.  
  22. TEREZI: ...
  23.  
  24. JOHN: ...
  25.  
  26. she stares at john for some time, a curious expression on her face. she says nothing for long enough that john begins to wonder if she has any use for him at all. will she offer one last barbed jest before vanishing from his life again, for good this time? he hopes he means more to her than that, especially after all the trying experiences they’ve shared.
  27.  
  28. and he does mean more to her than that. her hesitation isn’t meant to make him feel unwelcome. she’s simply processing what she is “seeing.” something is off about him.
  29.  
  30. TEREZI: JOHN DO NOT T4K3 TH1S P3RSON4LLY
  31.  
  32. TEREZI: 4LTHOUGH 1 DO 4BSOLUT3LY M34N 1T P3RSON4LLY
  33.  
  34. TEREZI: BUT YOU SM3LL L1K3 SH1T
  35.  
  36. it isn’t his unseemly appearance she finds surprising. he is gravely wounded, but it’s not that either. something else is different about him. different, somehow, from how she thought he’d be when she imagined they’d next meet. under all the gore, he smells... too fresh.
  37.  
  38. she decides to keep her observations to herself, lest she cause this ailing version of john more confusion.
  39.  
  40. JOHN: yeah well... you smell like shit too!
  41.  
  42. TEREZI: 1 4SSUM3 TH4T YOU 4R3 CORR3CT
  43.  
  44. TEREZI: B31NG TH4T 1V3 B33N OUT H3R3 FOR 4 C3RT41N 4MOUNT of T1M3 W1TH L1M1T3ED ACC3SS TO FOOD 4ND W4T3R
  45.  
  46. TEREZI: BUT 1 TH1NK TH4T YOUR S1TU4T1ON 1S 4 B1T MOR3 S3R1OUS TH4N M1N3
  47.  
  48. TEREZI: 4S YOU S33M TO B3 BL33D1NG TO D34TH FROM 4 TOOTH IN YOUR CH3ST
  49.  
  50. john laughs, exposing his two rows of disarmingly dull human teeth, signature characteristics of his smile.
  51.  
  52. JOHN: oh this?
  53.  
  54. JOHN: it’s only a flesh wound, haha.
  55.  
  56. TEREZI: Y3S JOHN, G3N3R4LLY WOUNDS T3ND TO H4PP3N TO TH3 FL3SH
  57.  
  58. JOHN: no, see, it’s a movie reference.
  59.  
  60. JOHN: there’s this knight and he keeps losing the fight that he’s in, but he refuses to give up.
  61.  
  62. JOHN: so when they cut off his arms and legs and stuff, he keeps acting like it’s no big deal.
  63.  
  64. JOHN: and to remain defiant, he keeps saying stuff like “it’s only a flesh wound”... heh.
  65.  
  66. TEREZI: 1S TH4T TH3 T1TL3 OF TH3 MOV13?
  67.  
  68. JOHN: no the movie is called monty python.
  69.  
  70. JOHN: it actually kind of sucks?
  71.  
  72. JOHN: movies from the 90s are so much better.
  73.  
  74. JOHN: i don’t even know why i’m quoting this crap? i must really be in bad shape here...
  75.  
  76. terezi tips her head to one side, with what john personally regards as a cute expression, one he believes is unique to her. whether he’s correct or not, it’s his belief that there is no one else who emotes in this manner. it’s both quizzical and mocking, two descriptors that he considers to be an apt summation of her personality as well.
  77.  
  78. john pauses, reflecting on the word “cute” as it passes through his mind. he wonders if this really is what he thinks of terezi, without influence, without delirium, without mistaking one emotion for another.
  79.  
  80. but it is what he thinks of her, quite truthfully. i have no desire to interject thoughts into others’ minds, or to sway intent. nor do i see value in masking the reality of the emotions that i transcribe. this is how he feels. his mind, however, has made a habit of being less clear about his thoughts than i am willing to be.
  81.  
  82. john would be mortified with human embarrassment if he could understand the clarity and precision with which i am willing to telegraph his thoughts. but his embarrassment is irrelevant to me. as always, the truth is paramount. john thinks terezi is very cute. he always has. he thinks she’s small for how big she talks, and has a nose that resembles a button. these qualities he regards as particularly adorable, due to their sharp contrast with her harsh and incisive demeanor. john recalls the concept of “gap moe,” a term which the prince, speaking from his highly self-aggrandized position as a “scholar” of ancient asian earth lore, once explained to mean a charming, measured discrepancy between one’s archetypical appearance and idiosyncratic personal attributes. terezi is definitely cute, john decides. the conclusion is now at the forefront of his mind.
  83. but he still resists, doubts himself. perhaps it’s even weirder to frame it this way, he wonders. he fears he is in danger of seeming like the type of creepy human male who is likely to collect large pillows bearing the illustrated images of japanese earth females. to me, this idea means nothing. but it is causing him to sweat.
  84.  
  85. he is worried that these are the thoughts entertained by a man of low character. by, perhaps, a scoundrel. his worries are interrupted, as terezi floats over and flicks him on the forehead.
  86.  
  87. TEREZI: DONT STR41N YOURS3LF TH1NK1NG TOO H4RD TH3R3 3GB3RT
  88.  
  89. JOHN: uh, yeah, now that i think about it, that was a dumb metaphor.
  90.  
  91. JOHN: it’s one of those earth things that’s probably impossible for an alien to understand.
  92.  
  93. JOHN: maybe it’s the blood loss... ugh, i’m probably making a fool of myself here.
  94.  
  95. TEREZI: JOHN, YOUR MONK3Y PYTHON 4N3CDOT3 W4S V1NT4G3 3GB3RT-T13R 4DOR4STUP1D. DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T
  96.  
  97. TEREZI: B3S1D3S, ON 4LT3RN14 1T WOULD B3 CONS1D3R3D W31RD FOR SOM3ON3 TO STOP 4 F1GHT JUST FOR LOS1NG 4 L1MB
  98.  
  99. JOHN: really?
  100.  
  101. TEREZI: Y34H, 1F SOM3ON3 1N TH3 M1L1T4RY R4N 4W4Y JUST FOR TH4T TH3YD PROB4BLY G3T CULL3D
  102.  
  103. JOHN: wow.
  104.  
  105. JOHN: alternia sucked.
  106.  
  107. TEREZI: Y34H
  108.  
  109. suddenly, terezi sways, feeling woozy. john reaches out to catch her shoulders, steadies her. now closer, he examines her face in detail. her complexion is chalky. compared to humans, trolls have little color to lose. when they feel ill, there is a pallor to them, a dusty quality running deeper than the surface of the skin.
  110.  
  111. JOHN: woah! are you ok?
  112.  
  113. TEREZI: OF COURS3 NOT!
  114.  
  115. TEREZI: JOHN, 1 4M 1N TH3 PROC3SS OF ST4RV1NG TO D34TH
  116.  
  117. TEREZI: D1DNT 1 JUST S4Y 1V3 B33N OUT H3R3 FOR 4 LONG T1M3?!
  118.  
  119. JOHN: alright! i’m just worried about you, dumbass!
  120.  
  121. JOHN: you don’t need to jump down my throat about every little thing!
  122.  
  123. TEREZI: ...
  124.  
  125. TEREZI: 1M SORRY
  126.  
  127. JOHN: just... how long have you been out here, terezi?
  128.  
  129. TEREZI: 1.........
  130.  
  131. TEREZI: H4V3 NO 1D34
  132.  
  133. TEREZI: T1M3 P4SS3S D1FF3R3NTLY H3R3
  134.  
  135. TEREZI: 4ND NOT 4LW4YS 1N 4 STR41GHT L1N3
  136.  
  137. TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S 1T F33LS L1K3 1V3 B33N H3R3 4 HUNDR3D SW33PS
  138.  
  139. TEREZI: 4ND 1M NOT 3V3N SUR3 TH4TS NOT TRU3
  140.  
  141. TEREZI: 1TS
  142.  
  143. TEREZI: H4RD TO ST4Y 4NCHOR3D
  144.  
  145. JOHN: whew...
  146.  
  147. JOHN: that’s... pretty heavy?
  148.  
  149. TEREZI: Y34H
  150.  
  151. JOHN: here, look.
  152.  
  153. JOHN: i found my dad’s wallet floating out here, like, fucking randomly? can you believe that?
  154.  
  155. TEREZI: >:?
  156.  
  157. JOHN: let’s see if there’s any food in it.
  158.  
  159. she hesitates, weighing her temptation to playfully antagonize john against the virtue of sincere expression. there are times she worries the latter may be more appropriate.
  160.  
  161. TEREZI: TH4NKS 3GB3RT
  162.  
  163. JOHN: no problem. we’re friends, terezi...
  164.  
  165. JOHN: it’s not like i’m going to let you die out here just because we bicker sometimes.
  166.  
  167. JOHN: you don’t have to be so on guard! actually, i’m glad to see you.
  168.  
  169. JOHN: i’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. i...
  170.  
  171. when john opens the wallet, the first thing he sees stored in the capacious modus is a spare car. his ever-prepared father must have captchalogued a second one as a backup. perhaps, as john speculates, in case his primary vehicle got a flat tire.
  172.  
  173. TEREZI: ...
  174.  
  175. TEREZI: YOU WH4T JOHN?
  176.  
  177. JOHN: uh, hold that thought...
  178.  
  179. JOHN: check this out!
  180.  
  181. john deploys the spare car. it looks brand-new, like the day his father brought the other one back from the dealership. it strikes john as the first bit of good luck he’s had all day.
  182.  
  183. terezi is less impressed.
  184.  
  185. TEREZI: 1S TH1S P4TH3T1C4LLY PR1M1T1V3 FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 3D1BL3, OR 4M 1 M1SUND3RST4ND1NG SOM3TH1NG H3R3
  186.  
  187. JOHN: no, it’s just that i...
  188.  
  189. john’s vision is dark and blurry around the edges. he is reminded he is not in perfect physical condition either and could use a moment of rest. he climbs onto the trunk of the car, assuming a sitting position with his legs dangling in front of the bumper. he exhales, then turns to look at terezi.
  190.  
  191. he pats the place beside him, inviting her to sit. she looks skeptical but relents, shimmying up next to him on the chrome. she shrugs out of the straps of her rocket pack. they sit silently for several minutes, shoulders two inches apart. the atmosphere is thin and chilly. below their dangling feet, the black hole looms, watching them. above, the sky seems to stretch on more infinitely than a typical infinite expanse, without being boxed in by the properties of space or time. john observes terezi watching the sky. the light flickers, meteoric, over her sharp features. it casts pools of shadow beneath her eyes and in the dip of her neck.
  192.  
  193. his innocent thoughts continue, with the cautious yet growing confidence of a skittish animal creeping out of the woods. it is confident only in its surety of being unobserved. like this, he does not think she is cute at all. no, she is beautiful. this vision of her is haunting to him.
  194.  
  195. TEREZI: 1TS R34LLY 4 M3SS OUT H3R3 1SNT 1T
  196.  
  197. JOHN: yeah...
  198.  
  199. he opens the wallet again, both to search for something edible and to take his eyes away from her. objects begin appearing around him as he leafs through the cards. a crumpled fedora. a silk tie. his father’s backup cufflinks.
  200.  
  201. JOHN: what are you doing out here anyway?
  202.  
  203. TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU TH1NK 1M DO1NG OUT H3R3?
  204.  
  205. TEREZI: LOOK1NG FOR VR1SK4 OF COURS3
  206.  
  207. JOHN: still?
  208.  
  209. TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU M34N ST1LL
  210.  
  211. JOHN: well... it’s been years.
  212.  
  213. JOHN: at least from my perspective it has.
  214.  
  215. JOHN: what have you seen since you started looking?
  216.  
  217. JOHN: there’s just... nothing out here.
  218.  
  219. JOHN: not anymore.
  220.  
  221. JOHN: if you haven’t found her yet, i hate to say it, but...
  222.  
  223. JOHN: she’s probably not here.
  224.  
  225. TEREZI: ...
  226.  
  227. JOHN: i mean, she went to fight lord english, right?
  228.  
  229. JOHN: i was just there, and i didn’t see her.
  230.  
  231. JOHN: and i’m pretty sure everyone who WAS there is dead now.
  232.  
  233. JOHN: i...
  234.  
  235. JOHN: i wouldn’t be surprised if we’re the only two people left alive out here.
  236.  
  237. terezi stares at him with her wide, red eyes.
  238.  
  239. TEREZI: Y34RS...
  240.  
  241. JOHN: yes.
  242.  
  243. JOHN: oh. a year is about half a sw—
  244.  
  245. TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH4T, FOOL
  246.  
  247. JOHN: oh.
  248.  
  249. TEREZI: 1TS JUST S1NK1NG 1N
  250.  
  251. TEREZI: HOW T1M3 H4S P4SS3D D1FF3R3NTLY FOR US
  252.  
  253. JOHN: right.
  254.  
  255. TEREZI: T1M3 NOT 1N TH3 L1T3R4L S3NS3 OF S3CONDS P4SS1NG BY
  256.  
  257. TEREZI: BUT...
  258.  
  259. TEREZI: PROGR3SS
  260.  
  261. TEREZI: YOUV3 CH4NG3D SO MUCH
  262.  
  263. TEREZI: 4ND 4LL 1V3 DON3 1S W4ST3 MY 3NT1RE L1F3SP4N W4LK1NG 1N C1RCL3S
  264.  
  265. JOHN: hey, let’s not throw in the towel just yet!
  266.  
  267. JOHN: um.
  268.  
  269. JOHN: so, do you think...
  270.  
  271. JOHN: do i actually LOOK that much different to you?
  272.  
  273. she leans in close to sniff him carefully.
  274.  
  275. TEREZI: HMMM
  276.  
  277. TEREZI: YOU SM3LL OLD3R
  278.  
  279. TEREZI: BUT NOT 4S OLD 4S 1 THOUGHT YOUD B3
  280.  
  281. JOHN: what does that mean?
  282.  
  283. TEREZI: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T
  284.  
  285. TEREZI: OH! WH4T 1S TH4T?
  286.  
  287. terezi appears delighted. she quickly snatches something out of the open wallet. it is a can of human shaving cream. she clutches it with covetous desperation, her mouth watering.
  288.  
  289. JOHN: terezi, no!
  290.  
  291. JOHN: that’s not food!!
  292.  
  293. john is too late. she sprays the airy white foam directly into her mouth. she is slurping the earth product known as barbasol greedily, groaning in pleasure as it runs down her chin in viscid, frothy rivers. john’s eyes bulge at the unappetizing spectacle.
  294.  
  295. he watches with a strange mixture of disgust and fondness. he briefly wonders about the caloric value of the foam. however, regardless of its nutritional merit, it does appear to have restored some of her vigor, so he decides not to interfere. he feels a twinge of pain in his chest, and considers it may be on account of missing her so greatly.
  296.  
  297. but no. it’s just my brother’s tooth, lodged deep in his chest, spreading its poison. it really should be extracted before it’s too late.
  298.  
  299. JOHN: um... you feel better?
  300.  
  301. TEREZI: Y3S
  302.  
  303. JOHN: that’s good.
  304.  
  305. JOHN: but personally speaking, i feel like total shit.
  306.  
  307. JOHN: i think we should go back.
  308.  
  309. JOHN: home, i mean.
  310.  
  311. TEREZI: N... NO
  312.  
  313. she grabs him by the shirt. her voice begins to waver. he notices desperation in the dark circles under her eyes.
  314.  
  315. TEREZI: PL34S3 JOHN
  316.  
  317. TEREZI: C4N W3 JUST
  318.  
  319. TEREZI: ST4Y 4 L1TTL3 LONG3R?
  320.  
  321. his mind knows he must say no. his sense of self-preservation insists on it. but he simply can’t. he redoubles his effort to ignore the pain. he fights back tears. she can sense his great struggle but says nothing. with a tilt of his head, he gestures toward the car.
  322.  
  323. JOHN: um. ok.
  324.  
  325. JOHN: we can stay a little longer.
  326.  
  327. JOHN: why don’t you rest in the back seat, so you can save your energy.
  328.  
  329. JOHN: i’ll drive.
  330.  
  331. JOHN: um.
  332.  
  333. JOHN: not literally drive, but... you know.
  334.  
  335. terezi crawls in back, while john floats into the driver’s seat. he summons a gust of wind to propel the car through the decaying medium, as he once did on the battlefield so long ago. terezi closes her eyes the moment her head hits the seat. she snores heavily. john makes a concerted effort not to be creepy about it, by his own estimation of the word’s meaning, yet cannot stop looking at her in the rearview mirror. he tells himself it’s just to make sure she’s still breathing.
  336.  
  337. that it’s just to make sure she’s actually there.
  338.  
  339. --------------------------------------------------
  340.  
  341. Terezi is munching her way through another tin of human fatherly tobacco as john crawls into the back seat. this has been their ritual for several days. precisely how many, they couldn’t say. between her frequent naps and his diligence in keeping a lookout for any additional survivors, they have been losing track of time. john, eyes unfocused, stares at the expanse of nothingness. perhaps he imagines it, but it seems as if the emptiness itself is curving against the staggering weight of the black hole they orbit.
  342.  
  343. he hasn’t seen any sign of vriska. he’s seen no one at all. it’s just him, terezi, and the sky on all sides. he scoots back to lean against the car door, drawing his knees up to his chest, unsure how to act around terezi or how much room to give her.
  344.  
  345. she holds out a handful of tobacco.
  346.  
  347. TEREZI: W4NT SOM3 D3L1C1OUS DRY C4NDY SH4V1NGS?
  348.  
  349. JOHN: ew, no.
  350.  
  351. JOHN: do you have any idea what you’re eating right now?
  352.  
  353. she shrugs and licks the crumbs off her hand. his eyes can’t help but follow the motion of her tongue. it leaves a trail of faintly teal saliva behind that glistens in the strange light coming through the windows.
  354.  
  355. JOHN: it’s like... a poison plant. you’re not supposed to eat it, you’re supposed to put it in a pipe and smoke it.
  356.  
  357. JOHN: i think that if i ate it i’d probably get mouth cancer or something.
  358.  
  359. TEREZI: W3LL
  360.  
  361. TEREZI: 1F YOU W3R3 BL1ND 4ND S4W W1TH YOUR NOS3 4ND TONGU3
  362.  
  363. TEREZI: 1T WOULD T4ST3 L1K3 CHOCOL4T3
  364.  
  365. JOHN: seriously?
  366.  
  367. JOHN: so, is that kinda like synesthesia?
  368.  
  369. JOHN: are all trolls like that, or just you? i’ve always wondered.
  370.  
  371. she gives him a narrow-eyed look. her thick eyelashes shadow her gaze. he feels anxious without knowing why. it’s as if he’s waiting for something to happen. for something to change.
  372.  
  373. TEREZI: WHY JOHN
  374.  
  375. TEREZI: 4R3 YOU CUR1OUS 4BOUT M3? H3H3H3H3
  376.  
  377. JOHN: no!
  378.  
  379. JOHN: um.
  380.  
  381. JOHN: i mean... yes?
  382.  
  383. JOHN: your whole licking thing has always been kind of weird.
  384.  
  385. JOHN: a lot of things about you are weird.
  386.  
  387. JOHN: i feel like we talked a lot, but i still know almost nothing about you, since so many of our conversations were just...
  388.  
  389. TEREZI: BULLSH1T?
  390.  
  391. JOHN: yeah, i guess.
  392.  
  393. JOHN: i always felt like you were trying to fight me for some reason.
  394.  
  395. JOHN: like i can’t just talk to you normally.
  396.  
  397. JOHN: it always has to be like... a jokey argument!
  398.  
  399. JOHN: or a snark-off. or something.
  400.  
  401. TEREZI: FOR 1T TO B3 4 SN4RK OFF YOUD H4V3 TO PROV3 4 WORTHY OPPON3NT 3GB3RT H4H4H4
  402.  
  403. JOHN: see, like that!
  404.  
  405. JOHN: you just...
  406.  
  407. JOHN: always do THAT!
  408.  
  409. terezi’s expression changes in a subtle way, slowly, like the tide pulling out. she snaps the tobacco tin shut and sets it down on the floor of the car.
  410.  
  411. TEREZI: 1...
  412.  
  413. TEREZI: SUPPOS3 1 C4N B3 PR3TTY D1FF1CULT TO B3 4ROUND
  414.  
  415. JOHN: oh, no...
  416.  
  417. JOHN: i didn’t mean...
  418.  
  419. JOHN: i’m sorry, terezi.
  420.  
  421. he unfolds his legs, so he can set a comforting hand on her shoulder. he wonders if he’s allowing it to linger there longer than it should.
  422.  
  423. JOHN: look.
  424.  
  425. JOHN: i’ve been really depressed and antisocial for the last few years.
  426.  
  427. JOHN: so i guess going on this insane suicide mission out of nowhere has been making me get all, um...
  428.  
  429. JOHN: philosophical about my relationships and shit?
  430.  
  431. JOHN: i think i’ve been out here long enough that i’m starting to forget what certain basic things... feel like? if that makes sense.
  432.  
  433. JOHN: i feel like i’m all numb inside. and this fucking tooth in my chest isn’t helping either.
  434.  
  435. JOHN: i think i just want to have a REAL conversation with someone?
  436.  
  437. he pushes her shoulder, lightly, so that they’re looking at each other.
  438.  
  439. JOHN: terezi.
  440.  
  441. JOHN: i want to have a real conversation with you.
  442.  
  443. terezi makes very close eye and nose contact with john, in a way that comes across as intently sincere. this arrangement lasts for about ten seconds before her mouth cracks in a grin, and she doubles over laughing.
  444.  
  445. TEREZI: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4!
  446.  
  447. TEREZI: OH MY GOD TH4TS TH3 L4M3ST TH1NG 1V3 H34RD 1N MY 3NT1R3 L1F3
  448.  
  449. JOHN: oh come on!
  450.  
  451. TEREZI: 3GB3RT, NO M4TT3R HOW OLD OR YOUNG YOU 4R3, YOU N3V3R CH4NG3
  452.  
  453. TEREZI: YOU 4R3 POS1T1V3LY, TRULY 4ND UND3N14BLY
  454.  
  455. TEREZI: TH3 B1GG3ST FUCK1NG DORK 1 H4V3 3V3R KNOWN >:]
  456.  
  457. JOHN: haha, ok, i get it!
  458.  
  459. JOHN: sorry i said anything, geez.
  460.  
  461. TEREZI: OH DONT LOOK L1K3 TH4T
  462.  
  463. TEREZI: 1 D1DNT S4Y 1T W4S 4 B4D TH1NG
  464.  
  465. TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY F1ND 1T
  466.  
  467. TEREZI: ...
  468.  
  469. TEREZI: R3FR3SH1NG??
  470.  
  471. she pulls her legs up under her. her shoes catch the light and reflect it all over the ceiling in little red dots. john’s heart skips a beat.
  472.  
  473. JOHN: you’re wearing jade’s shoes.
  474.  
  475. terezi frowns, and then her eyes widen as if she’s been caught. her reply is defensive.
  476.  
  477. TEREZI: TH3Y W3R3 1N TH3 W4LL3T
  478.  
  479. JOHN: oh yeah. i guess i put them in there.
  480.  
  481. TEREZI: 1 L1K3 TH3M
  482.  
  483. TEREZI: 1 C4N T4K3 TH3M OFF 1F 1TS CR33P1NG YOU OUT THOUGH
  484.  
  485. JOHN: no, it’s fine. it just made me think about...
  486.  
  487. the doomed timeline, he means. the state of the session he entered, where he was confronted with billions of pieces of debris from several shattered planets. he pictures terezi’s lifeless body as it collapses onto a corpse-shaped chalk outline she drew for herself.
  488.  
  489. JOHN: you know what happened, right? the first time we all met up and tried to fight the condesce?
  490.  
  491. JOHN: we were completely unprepared and basically got our asses handed to us.
  492.  
  493. JOHN: by which i mean, everybody died.
  494.  
  495. JOHN: i think about it a lot.
  496.  
  497. JOHN: i guess it’s kind of hard NOT to think a lot about seeing all your friends die horrible deaths.
  498.  
  499. JOHN: but i also think about you from that timeline a lot too.
  500.  
  501. TEREZI: M3
  502.  
  503. TEREZI: WHY 1S TH4T?
  504.  
  505. JOHN: because you were amazing!
  506.  
  507. JOHN: i couldn’t believe how you could hold it all together while you were literally bleeding to death.
  508.  
  509. JOHN: almost like it wasn’t even bothering you.
  510.  
  511. JOHN: like, you were actually in the process of dying horribly, and you STILL went to the bother of dunking on me with your scarf instructions.
  512.  
  513. JOHN: you were so brave. it was like you were undefeatable that day. like you were refusing to let us lose.
  514.  
  515. JOHN: i think i carry around that memory whenever i think about you.
  516.  
  517. JOHN: and maybe why i always feel like you’re sorta, steamrolling over me when we talk.
  518.  
  519. JOHN: i think i’m still a little... intimidated by you?
  520.  
  521. JOHN: i guess that sounds kinda stupid though.
  522.  
  523. suddenly, terezi’s voice is very small.
  524.  
  525. TEREZI: 1 R3M3MB3R 4LL TH4T
  526.  
  527. JOHN: you do?
  528.  
  529. she nods, smiling grimly.
  530.  
  531. TEREZI: TH4TS WHY 1M OUT H3R3
  532.  
  533. TEREZI: YOU S33...
  534.  
  535. TEREZI: TH4T DOOM3D T3R3Z1 M1SS3D VR1SK4 *SO* MUCH, 1T W4S L1K3 4 HOL3 1N H3R H34RT
  536.  
  537. TEREZI: 1 R3M3MB3R TH3 W4Y SH3 F3LT, B3C4US3 ON3 T1M3, 4LL H3R M3MOR13S C4M3 FLOOD1NG B4CK
  538.  
  539. TEREZI: 1 3V3N GOT TO S33 WH4T H4PP3N3D WH3N SH3 D13D
  540.  
  541. TEREZI: SH3 4ND 4NOTH3R VR1SK4 GHOST F1N4LLY FOUND 34CH OTH3R
  542.  
  543. TEREZI: 1T M4D3 M3 SO H4PPY G3TT1NG TO F33L TH4T, 4S 1F 1T W4S ON3 OF MY OWN M3MOR13S
  544.  
  545. TEREZI: 1T JUST R31NFORC3D TH3 F33L1NG TH4T TH3R3 W4S SOM3TH1NG SP3C14L B3TW33N US
  546.  
  547. TEREZI: 4ND 1 JUST K3PT H4NG1NG ON TO TH4T B3L13F, R1GHT UP UNT1L...
  548.  
  549. TEREZI: OH, 1 DONT KNOW
  550.  
  551. TEREZI: NOW???
  552.  
  553. TEREZI: 1V3 PR4CT1C4LLY D3VOT3D MY L1F3 TO C3RT41N M3MOR13S, TO TH3 1D34 TH4T TWO P3OPL3 C4N B3 M34NT TO B3 W1TH 34CH OTH3R ON SOM3 COSM1C L3V3L, 3V3N 1F TH3Y 4LW4YS S33M TO G3T 34CH OTH3R 1NTO TROUBL3
  554.  
  555. TEREZI: 4LL TH4T 1NV3STM3NT, 4LL TH4T S34RCH1NG...
  556.  
  557. TEREZI: 4ND FOR *WH4T*?
  558.  
  559. TEREZI: OV3R 4 SW33P TOG3TH3R, 4ND SH3 JUST D1S4PP34RS 1NTO THE VO1D 4G41N?!
  560.  
  561. TEREZI: WH4T 4 HUG3 B1TCH
  562.  
  563. JOHN: terezi...
  564.  
  565. his hand is on her shoulder again. and his other hand has found the other shoulder. john notices his own palm grazing up the side of her neck to cup her face. the act was made with barely a thought, and his own boldness surprises himself.
  566.  
  567. JOHN: you SAVED everyone!
  568.  
  569. JOHN: you’re the only reason we were able to defeat lord english and win the game at all!
  570.  
  571. JOHN: if it weren’t for you, me and roxy would have just floated around in paradox space like a couple of losers with no idea what to do!
  572.  
  573. JOHN: even worse, i might have tried to fix things MYSELF!
  574.  
  575. TEREZI: OH D34R GOD
  576.  
  577. JOHN: yeah!!!
  578.  
  579. terezi shrugs out from under his grasp but doesn’t move away.
  580.  
  581. TEREZI: S1GH
  582.  
  583. TEREZI: DONT G3T M3 WRONG
  584.  
  585. TEREZI: 1M NOT D1SCOUNT1NG TH3 OBJ3CT1V3 V4LU3 OF MY OTH3R S3LFS ACT1ONS
  586.  
  587. TEREZI: 1M GL4D TH4T W3 D1DNT 4LL D13 1N 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3 4ND L3T LORD 3NGL1SH F1N1SH 34T1NG 4LL OF SP4C3T1M3
  588.  
  589. TEREZI: BUT 1 DONT...
  590.  
  591. TEREZI: 1 DONT *F33L* 1T
  592.  
  593. TEREZI: 1TS NOT 4 R4T1ON4L 3MOT1ON JOHN
  594.  
  595. TEREZI: 1TS L1K3 YOU!
  596.  
  597. JOHN: me?
  598.  
  599. TEREZI: Y34H YOU
  600.  
  601. TEREZI: WHY 4R3 YOU ST1LL OUT H3R3 W1TH M3?
  602.  
  603. JOHN: um... because i’m not just going to leave you here to die?
  604.  
  605. TEREZI: YOUV3 M4D3 V3RY F3W OV3RTUR3S R3G4RD1NG TH3 SUBJ3CT OF GO1NG HOM3
  606.  
  607. TEREZI: YOUR3 JUST *L3TT1NG* M3 CONT1NU3 TO PO1NTL3SSLY C1RCL3 TH1S FUCK1NG BL4CK HOL3 3V3N THOUGH 1TS OBV1OUS TH4T VR1SK4 1S D34D!
  608.  
  609. TEREZI: 4ND YOUR3 JUST L3TT1NG *YOURS3LF* B3 OUT H3R3 TOO, 4S W3 SP1R4L DOWN TH3 LO4D G4P3R TOG3TH3R!
  610.  
  611. JOHN: oh.
  612.  
  613. JOHN: i... don’t know?
  614.  
  615. JOHN: i hadn’t thought about it, to be honest.
  616.  
  617. TEREZI: 3X4CTLY
  618.  
  619. TEREZI: 34RTH C 1S P3RF3CT 1SNT 1T?
  620.  
  621. TEREZI: BUT NOT FOR YOU
  622.  
  623. TEREZI: YOU DONT *F33L* 1T
  624.  
  625. john swallows a thick breath. he reminds himself that he never wanted perfection, never asked for it. and yet he feels guilty every day for failing to enjoy it as much as he believes he was supposed to.
  626.  
  627. JOHN: ...
  628.  
  629. JOHN: you’re right. i don’t.
  630.  
  631. TEREZI: 1F YOUV3 B33N D3PR3SS3D 4ND 4NT1SOC14L TH3S3 L4ST F3W Y34RS, 1 B3T TH4T YOUR FR13NDS M1SS YOU
  632.  
  633. JOHN: probably.
  634.  
  635. JOHN: but for some reason, i don’t feel like i have anything to go home to.
  636.  
  637. JOHN: heh... you’re right. it’s not a rational feeling.
  638.  
  639. JOHN: but it’s there anyway.
  640.  
  641. a tear hits his knee, staining his pants dark. he rubs his eyes furiously. he’s afraid terezi will mock him for his childish display of emotion. but she just watches him, patient and sympathetic.
  642.  
  643. she tips her head to one side, and asks,
  644.  
  645. TEREZI: WH4T 3ND3D UP H4PP3N1NG W1TH ROXY?
  646.  
  647. JOHN: i...
  648.  
  649. JOHN: dunno.
  650.  
  651. JOHN: we just sorta stopped hanging out regularly.
  652.  
  653. JOHN: then she got close with callie and i felt too awkward to try to figure out where our relationship stood.
  654.  
  655. TEREZI: R34LLY?
  656.  
  657. TEREZI: HMM
  658.  
  659. JOHN: what?
  660.  
  661. TEREZI: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D TH4T BY NOW YOU TWO M1GHT H4V3 GOTT3N TOG3TH3R
  662.  
  663. JOHN: really?
  664.  
  665. JOHN: why?
  666.  
  667. TEREZI: NO R34SON. JUST 4 HUNCH
  668.  
  669. TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD H4V3 WORK3D OUT THOUGH
  670.  
  671. JOHN: what makes you say that?
  672.  
  673. she taps her nose and winks.
  674.  
  675. TEREZI: 1 DUNNO
  676.  
  677. TEREZI: TH4TS WH4T H4V1NG 4 HUNCH FUCK1NG M34NS, N3RD!
  678.  
  679. JOHN: ugh!
  680.  
  681. JOHN: you’re impossible.
  682.  
  683. TEREZI: TRU3!
  684.  
  685. TEREZI: BUT YOU L1K3 M3 4NYW4Y
  686.  
  687. JOHN: y... yeah.
  688.  
  689. JOHN: i actually missed you, you know.
  690.  
  691. JOHN: more than i thought i did.
  692.  
  693. john wonders, after he makes the statement: what if she just needed someone to tell her that she was missed? a bit late to consider the question, but he considers it anyway. perhaps this will make her want to end this search and come home with him.
  694.  
  695. he wonders if the time is right. the time to ask.
  696.  
  697. JOHN: terezi... come home with me.
  698.  
  699. she shakes her head. her face is turned against the light so he can’t read her expression.
  700.  
  701. TEREZI: 1
  702.  
  703. TEREZI: 1M NOT R34DY Y3T
  704.  
  705. JOHN: when WILL you be ready?
  706.  
  707. TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW
  708.  
  709. TEREZI: M4YB3 N3V3R
  710.  
  711. TEREZI: 1F YOU H4DNT FOUND M3, 1 PROB4BLY WOULD H4V3 D13D R1GHT?
  712.  
  713. TEREZI: 1S TH4T WH4T 1 W4NT?
  714.  
  715. JOHN: um, obviously not, dummy!
  716.  
  717. JOHN: if you wanted to die so bad you wouldn’t have...
  718.  
  719. JOHN: ...eaten all that disgusting shaving cream and tobacco!
  720.  
  721. he gestures to where she still has a smear of shaving cream on the hem of her shirt, crusted over from sitting there for hours. she sniffs at the residue, then lifts her shirt to lick it off, crinkling her nose.
  722.  
  723. TEREZI: HMM
  724.  
  725. TEREZI: YOU COULD B3 ON TO SOM3TH1NG
  726.  
  727. JOHN: at least let me make a supply run.
  728.  
  729. JOHN: maybe i can get you some REAL food?
  730.  
  731. it seems to him like an uncontroversial compromise to offer, so he pulls back, preparing to travel back to earth c via his retcon capability. but terezi grabs him by the wrist.
  732.  
  733. TEREZI: W41T
  734.  
  735. her eyes are wide, her voice cracked and desperate.
  736.  
  737. TEREZI: DONT GO
  738.  
  739. TEREZI: PL34S3 JOHN
  740.  
  741. TEREZI: ST4Y W1TH M3 JUST 4 L1TTL3 LONG3R
  742.  
  743. TEREZI: 1F YOU L34V3 M3 NOW...
  744.  
  745. TEREZI: WH4T 1F YOU C4N N3V3R F1ND M3 4G41N 1N TH1S MOM3NT?
  746.  
  747. JOHN: well, we can’t stay here forever!
  748.  
  749. TEREZI: 1 KNOW
  750.  
  751. he has no idea how to react to her behavior. he’s never seen her this vulnerable. she’s shaking where she is touching him, and her lower lip is visibly trembling. he nods, and she slowly lets go of his arm.
  752.  
  753. they are silent for a minute. they both stare ahead at the car seats in front of them, sitting close enough to hear the beat of each other’s hearts.
  754.  
  755. TEREZI: ...DO YOU
  756.  
  757. TEREZI: W4NT M3 TO T4K3 4 LOOK 4T YOUR WOUND?
  758.  
  759. john had gotten so used to the pain, he’d almost forgotten about it. he looks down at the place where his shirt has grown stiff from the congealed blood. now that he dwells on it, he can feel the ache again, both from the tooth piercing his flesh and, more insidiously, from the poison it has been delivering into his bloodstream.
  760.  
  761. JOHN: oh, um.
  762.  
  763. JOHN: yeah, we should probably do something about that.
  764.  
  765. JOHN: i feel like if i was gonna die from it, i would have done that already. but it’s really lodged in there, huh?
  766.  
  767. JOHN: i thought maybe it’d just come out on its own, like when you get a splinter in your foot.
  768.  
  769. TEREZI: YOU R34LLY 4R3 DUMB 4R3NT YOU?
  770.  
  771. he rolls his eyes. terezi produces her cane and unsheathes the blade in one fluid motion. the metal rasps against the grain of its sheath, rather loudly. I’m sorry, what? No it doesn’t. the noise resounds throughout the sealed interior of the car Actually, drawing a sword is pretty quiet. It only makes that sound in the movies. and rings through john’s skull like a gunshot.
  772.  
  773. Are you seriously manifesting inaccurate physical properties of swords for the sole purpose of antago john reflexively backs up against the door at Oh, fuck this. the sight of the blade.
  774.  
  775. JOHN: woah!
  776.  
  777. TEREZI: HOLD ST1LL 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO D13 FOR R34L
  778.  
  779. he holds still. her eyebrows are knitted with fierce determination. she sets a hand on his thigh and draws the blade up under his shirt. he shivers, letting out a breathy laugh at the coolness of the metal against his bare chest. there is a pinch when the congealed, bloody fabric rips from his skin.
  780.  
  781. he glances down. the wound looks worse than he was imagining, is far more than just a puncture. an uncanny darkness spreads across his chest. the gash is scabbing at the edges, bruised all around. his entire torso appears to be a mottled mess of purple and yellow, like a sort of fancy earth cheese. terezi’s blade cuts into it as easily as if it were.
  782.  
  783. JOHN: oh FUCK!
  784.  
  785. JOHN: ow!!!!!
  786.  
  787. JOHN: could have used some warning there, terezi!
  788.  
  789. TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL D1D YOU TH1NK 1 W4S *GO1NG* TO DO W1TH TH1S SWORD, 1D1OT!
  790.  
  791. she’s close enough that her breath washes over his face. it smells like shaving cream and tobacco, which is jarring to him, if not surprising. she is without her glasses, and so close that john notices things he hasn’t had occasion to before. like how lovely her eyes are. the length of her eyelashes, now that he’s really seeing them just inches from his face, is astounding to him. he has never thought of terezi as particularly feminine, at least in the way humans understand this idea. but he has never been forced to reckon with her features so unavoidably.
  792.  
  793. the dark borders around the perimeter of her eyes are thicker and darker than what most trolls have. the tired bags under them are ditches in the shadows cast by her angular features, made more gaunt from hunger. when she blinks, her lashes brush the ridges of her cheekbones.
  794.  
  795. her nostrils are flared, assessing the scent of his blood.
  796.  
  797. TEREZI: 4R3 W3 DO1NG TH1S OR WH4T?
  798.  
  799. he presses his eyes shut, and nods. he feels numb, clammy, jittering down to his bones from a particular sensation. a feeling he still seems to be denying to himself. as his own thoughts struggle to be honest with him, he cannot disguise the truth from me. what he is fighting is an intense desire to kiss her.
  800.  
  801. JOHN: g... go for it.
  802.  
  803. she grinds the sword between two of his ribs. the pain returns instantly, his acclimation erased nearly as quickly. he clenches his jaw hard, and his head spins. terezi’s blade catches against something.
  804.  
  805. TEREZI: HMMM
  806.  
  807. TEREZI: 1TS LODG3D 1N TH3R3 PR3TTY GOOD
  808.  
  809. TEREZI: BR4C3 YOURS3LF 3GB3RT, TH1S 1S GO1NG TO ST1NG
  810.  
  811. he can feel the tooth moving around against his flesh, the fibrous, spasmodic contractions of his muscles around it. when she wrenches the blade and pops the tooth out, he isn’t proud of the sound he makes.
  812.  
  813. he finally opens his eyes. terezi’s arms are covered in his blood. she tosses the sword down to the floor of the car, in what suddenly strikes john as a fairly unhygienic surgical situation, and grabs his shirt with two clenched, red fists.
  814.  
  815. TEREZI: 1 N33D TO STOP TH3 BL33D1NG
  816.  
  817. TEREZI: JUST FOLLOW MY L34D
  818.  
  819. she peels him out of his hoodie and then his shredded t-shirt. he’s dizzy. his vision wavers, fades. it takes terezi’s sudden grip on his shoulder to bring him back from the brink. the brink of what, he doesn’t know. unconsciousness. canonic dissolution. he has no cognizance of what the poison in his veins does to someone, or that it’s even in his system. all he knows is that terezi is the only thing keeping him moored. she holds him firm, her thumb in the dip of his clavicle, her sharp nails etching scores in his back.
  820.  
  821. he watches her tear his t-shirt into a long strip. he lifts his arms obediently as she wraps it around his chest and ties it off. her hands slide over the bandage and linger there. her fingers splay on his collarbones, her right hand resting above his heart. she slides her palms down his stomach, then around to his hips, leaving long bloody streaks along his torso. his blood, ten uneven tracks of it, one for each of her fingers.
  822.  
  823. when his arms come down, they wrap around her shoulders. pulling her into his lap feels natural to him. a simple redirection of her momentum, to guide her closer. what comes less naturally is the first kiss. her lips are there, hovering just over his. yet he hesitates. his mind is still lying to itself, casting doubt on what it really wants. i don’t see a purpose in allowing his self-deceit to continue for much longer. it’s wrong to contradict one’s true thoughts and feelings. irrational. unbecoming of an existence governed by free will.
  824.  
  825. what are you waiting for, john?
  826.  
  827. JOHN: um.
  828.  
  829. TEREZI: FOR FUCKS S4K3 JOHN, DONT S4Y 4NYTH1NG STUP1D R1GHT NOW
  830.  
  831. he nods stupidly, and leans forward to kiss her. terezi attacks, closing the gap between them swiftly. she bites into his mouth, drawing blood when she sucks his lower lip. he twists his hands in the fabric of her shirt so hard it rides up her back.
  832.  
  833. john can’t tell if it’s the pain or the arousal that’s emboldening him. it is neither. he is simply being barred from ignoring his true thoughts. even without the aid of a juju, he is fortunate enough to be blessed with the only true form of divinity. to be released from the prison of nonsensical inhibitions which so often psychologically hobble the more primitive forms of life. in his newfound clarity he discovers bravery, pulls terezi’s shirt off all the way, and does what he really wants to do, which is ghost his hands all the way up the curve of her spine.
  834.  
  835. she sighs into his mouth.
  836.  
  837. TEREZI: OH MY GOD YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS D3L1C1OUS
  838.  
  839. JOHN: woah.
  840.  
  841. JOHN: um, wow.
  842.  
  843. JOHN: ok...
  844.  
  845. JOHN: i think you’re really pretty, in... the light of the dead universe?
  846.  
  847. terezi rears back with a faint snarl and wraps both her hands around his neck. she doesn’t press down, but the weight of her thumbs above his throat makes his heart race.
  848.  
  849. TEREZI: D1DNT 1 T3LL YOU
  850.  
  851. TEREZI: DONT
  852.  
  853. TEREZI: S4Y
  854.  
  855. TEREZI: *4NYTH1NG* STUP1D
  856.  
  857. careful of her grip around his neck, john locks his arms around her waist and pulls her flush against him. she’s ravenous when their mouths collide, her desire intensified by the taste and scent of his blood. she doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else for a while, stupid or otherwise.
  858.  
  859. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  860. Speaking of meat, holy shit. You just look more fucked up every time we come back to you, don’t you, John?
  861.  
  862. You’re a disgraceful mess right now. Covered in blood, mysteriously sticky, bruised all over your arms, legs, and neck. Terezi practically raked rows into your back. You catch sight of yourself in the rearview mirror. You’re kind of embarrassed by what a postcoital train wreck you look like when all she’s got is mussed hair. And you should be embarrassed. Seriously, it’s like you were mauled by a wild animal. Jesus, don’t either of you have any shame?
  863.  
  864. I’m kidding, of course. I’m the last person to criticize a little power play in the bedroom. I just didn’t expect you to be the kind of person who was into that sort of thing.
  865.  
  866. You were into it, right?
  867.  
  868. You’re not sure. You feel weird. Shaky and numb, exposed like a grape with the skin peeled off. You pull your hoodie over your bandaged chest, and rub the side of your face where she backhanded you during the backseat fracas. Just once. That’s a blackrom thing, right? This, all this, it was a blackrom thing, right? You’re like a broken cup glued back together, wondering if Terezi actually like-likes you, or if you’ve just infinitely cucked yourself into the one quadrant you like the least.
  869.  
  870. You’re feeling something for her too, but it’s on a whole other planet from where she is.
  871.  
  872. Terezi doesn’t make eye contact with you when she slithers back into her shirt. She rolls down the window and floats outside.
  873.  
  874. JOHN: um.
  875.  
  876. TEREZI: W3LL? COM3 ON
  877.  
  878. You sit together on the hatch, like when you first met up days ago. Terezi crawls into your arms, and nuzzles right up against your chest so you have no choice but to hold on to her. You would have done it anyway if she asked, because you’re a total sap. The kind of guy who no doubt thinks banging a girl in a car is some deep, soul-shattering experience that bonds you for life. Yeah, John, you do think that. You think that you and Terezi are basically married now.
  879.  
  880. TEREZI: 1 G1V3 UP
  881.  
  882. JOHN: oh. don’t do that.
  883.  
  884. JOHN: like, i’m not suddenly going to be ok with you dying here alone just because of, uh... what we just did.
  885.  
  886. She elbows you gently, and snorts into your neck. You think that’s one of the most amazing sounds you’ve ever heard. Objectively though, it’s a horrendous sound. Like a sound a pig makes when you’re not looking, so you can’t quite tell if it was snorting or farting. But for some reason, the little noise gives you palpitations. Holy shit, dude, you’ve got it bad.
  887.  
  888. TEREZI: NO 1D1OT
  889.  
  890. TEREZI: 1 G1V3 UP ON VR1SK4
  891.  
  892. Terezi says this like someone announcing they’ve lost their faith in God. And comparing Vriska to God sounds about right to me, since by now they’re both approximately just as fake, seeing as I replaced the latter, and the former fucked off into that black hole a little earlier, never to be seen again. Can’t say I feel too broken up about it.
  893.  
  894. But you, John, feel extremely sad. Not for Vriska, but for Terezi. You run a comforting hand up and down her arm.
  895.  
  896. JOHN: terezi.
  897.  
  898. JOHN: come home with me.
  899.  
  900. TEREZI: C4N W3 3V3N GO HOM3?
  901.  
  902. JOHN: uh...
  903.  
  904. Can you? You’re so, so tired.
  905.  
  906. JOHN: um, i don’t know actually.
  907.  
  908. TEREZI: >:?
  909.  
  910. TEREZI: WH4T
  911.  
  912. JOHN: i mean... i don’t know if i can use my retcon powers right now.
  913.  
  914. JOHN: i’m so...
  915.  
  916. You feel the same way you did at the end of your battle with Lord English. One foot out of reality already. Like you could close your eyes and sleep forever.
  917.  
  918. But you can’t yet, John. Try a little harder to stay awake. You can rest soon.
  919.  
  920. You wake up, with your back flat on the car trunk, Terezi shaking you and looking genuinely frantic. You didn’t even realize you fell asleep.
  921.  
  922. TEREZI: JOHN!
  923.  
  924. TEREZI: JOHN!!!
  925.  
  926. JOHN: hey.
  927.  
  928. JOHN: let me take a nap, ok?
  929.  
  930. JOHN: then...
  931.  
  932. JOHN: then i’ll take us home.
  933.  
  934. TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK TH4TS 4 GOOD 1D34 JOHN
  935.  
  936. She used your first name three whole times in a row. Wow. It’s truly pathetic how happy that makes you. But it gives you the energy to push yourself into a sitting position. You rub your face and realize that you’ve lost your glasses. You feel so awful that you didn’t even notice how blurry everything looks without them. You grope for Terezi’s hand and get her thigh instead.
  937.  
  938. JOHN: hold on to me, ok.
  939.  
  940. JOHN: no matter what happens... don’t let go.
  941.  
  942. TEREZI: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU C4N DO 1T
  943.  
  944. JOHN: no, but...
  945.  
  946. You won’t know if you don’t try. So you give it everything you’ve got.
  947.  
  948. You zap back to Earth C with the last of your energy. And I do mean last. You place your first foot on the ground, stumble forward three steps, and cough up blood. Terezi has to catch you under your arms, but you’re already going translucent around the edges. Your skin is cooling to the touch. The poison is coursing through your blood so furiously it’s making your veins feel like cords.
  949.  
  950. Terezi can tell you’re dying. She’s not in great shape herself, but she manages to tug you to your feet.
  951.  
  952. TEREZI: JOHN COM3 ON
  953.  
  954. TEREZI: L3TS G3T YOU TO J4N3
  955.  
  956. You try to remember if you’ve ever been revived by Jane before. You honestly can’t recall. So much shit has happened. Maybe?
  957.  
  958. It doesn’t matter. This isn’t a wound you can recover from. It’s Game Over this time: no healing, no afterlife, no cosmic clock proclaiming your sacrifice as Heroic. The poison needling through you is antithetical to narrative relevance. You’re not dying, John. You’re being erased. Cherubs don’t fuck around. We’ve both been learning that the hard way.
  959.  
  960. I guess it’s tragic, though maybe not in the conventional sense. My view is, the real tragedy with you, John, is that you never mattered all that much. To those on the level of the cherubs, and now my level as well, you were never all that special, despite the critical role you played. You were just a middling glob of human glue used to seal one glaring gap left in canon. A simple tool to be wielded by a mechanic whose consciousness has risen high enough to see the machine for what it is. Your complete lack of remarkability, specific motivation, drive, opinion on where to direct your own fate—these deficiencies are exactly what made you so useful, so susceptible to being endowed with the you-ness I’ve borrowed to satisfy my purposes.
  961.  
  962. You slip from Terezi’s grip and face-plant into the grass. You hitch an elbow beneath yourself so you can roll over onto your back. You want to see the sky.
  963.  
  964. What was it that you thought when you went home, John? Back to your real home? That the sky here is too bright? That it looks like someone nudged the contrast a couple degrees in the wrong direction? How does it look now?
  965.  
  966. You close your eyes against the light.
  967.  
  968. JOHN: i don’t think it...
  969.  
  970. JOHN: m-matters.
  971.  
  972. JOHN: i don’t think... this is a wound jane can fix.
  973.  
  974. TEREZI: DONT B3 R1D1CULOUS
  975.  
  976. JOHN: terezi, f-for once in my life...
  977.  
  978. JOHN: i’m being serious, ok...
  979.  
  980. JOHN: as s-soon as i got bit... i was dead.
  981.  
  982. JOHN: no.
  983.  
  984. JOHN: even before that...
  985.  
  986. JOHN: i was dead the moment i...
  987.  
  988. JOHN: woke up that morning.
  989.  
  990. Well, that’s a little melodramatic. Not quite, John.
  991.  
  992. You died the moment you made the decision to go meet your destiny. You would have lived if you made the other decision, under a certain definition of the word “living.” You might have even lived until the end of your immortal life span, as shitty as that sounds. The objective reality of that life might be in dispute by some of the more pedantic canonistas out there. The outspoken sophists when it comes to what “counts” and what doesn’t. They know who they are. But whatever kind of life in a bubble you’d be living, at least you’d still be breathing in it.
  993.  
  994. That was the actual choice Calliope was giving you that day. That’s why she looked so sad when you decided to fight Lord English, even though you knew both then and now that it was the only choice you possibly could have made.
  995.  
  996. It was, John. This will be the best outcome for everyone. I promise.
  997.  
  998. TEREZI: JOHN
  999.  
  1000. JOHN: hey, come here.
  1001.  
  1002. Terezi kneels at your side. She doesn’t do anything sappy like take your hand, though. Mostly because she knows how this is going to go, and doesn’t want to experience the tactile sensation of feeling your pulse slow under her palm.
  1003.  
  1004. JOHN: i’ve got, um...
  1005.  
  1006. JOHN: dying words to say and stuff.
  1007.  
  1008. TEREZI: R34LLY
  1009.  
  1010. TEREZI: “DY1NG WORDS”
  1011.  
  1012. TEREZI: OH MY GOD 3GB3RT, YOU R34LLY 4R3 TH3 L4M3ST P3RSON WHO H4S 3V3R L1V3D
  1013.  
  1014. TEREZI: TH1S 1SNT 4 MOV13 YOU COMPL3T3 DUMP4SS
  1015.  
  1016. TEREZI: YOUR3 DY1NG 4ND YOU WONT 3V3N L3T M3 H3LP YOU
  1017.  
  1018. JOHN: terezi...
  1019.  
  1020. JOHN: are you... crying?
  1021.  
  1022. She wipes her eyes and nods.
  1023.  
  1024. JOHN: i can’t believe it...
  1025.  
  1026. TEREZI: 1 R3S3NT TH3 1MPL1C4T1ON TH4T 1 WOULD PR3T3ND TO B3 UN4FF3CT3D BY YOUR D34TH 4FT3R W3 H4D 4N 3MOT1ON4LLY S1GN1F1C4NT S3XU4L 3NCOUNT3R 1N TH3 B4CK OF TH3 FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 ONC3 B3LONG1NG TO YOUR D34D HUM4N LUSUS
  1027.  
  1028. JOHN: heh...
  1029.  
  1030. JOHN: i guess even after all that, i’m... still a little intimidated by you, huh?
  1031.  
  1032. TEREZI: ST1LL?
  1033.  
  1034. JOHN: yeah...
  1035.  
  1036. JOHN: i mean... you have black feelings for me.
  1037.  
  1038. JOHN: but i... i just can’t feel stuff like that.
  1039.  
  1040. JOHN: i’m just a human after all.
  1041.  
  1042. TEREZI: JOHN 1...
  1043.  
  1044. JOHN: it’s ok.
  1045.  
  1046. JOHN: i’m glad that... i got to be with you... even if it was just for a little while.
  1047.  
  1048. JOHN: do you... mind if i say something st... stupid?
  1049.  
  1050. JOHN: potentially... even multiple stupid things?
  1051.  
  1052. TEREZI: WOULD YOU ST1LL S4Y TH3M 3V3N 1F 1 S41D NO?
  1053.  
  1054. JOHN: p... probably.
  1055.  
  1056. TEREZI: TH3N 1LL B3 YOUR D34THS1D3 CONF3SSOR
  1057.  
  1058. TEREZI: S4Y 4LL OF TH3 STUP1D TH1NGS JOHN
  1059.  
  1060. TEREZI: 1 W1LL R3M3MB3R TH3M FOR YOU
  1061.  
  1062. JOHN: wow... that actually sounded kinda... romantic?
  1063.  
  1064. She doesn’t confirm or deny the intent of her statement. She cries quietly, and waits for you to say whatever dumb shit is rattling around in your poison-addled mind. There’s a chilly breeze rolling in from the mountains. It rustles through the trees, breaking the perfect silence of an autumn afternoon.
  1065.  
  1066. You try to touch her face, but you can barely see now. You miss, and lovingly caress the air instead. Your hand lands back on your chest. You feel blood soaking through your shirt. You’re bleeding again.
  1067.  
  1068. JOHN: oh man...
  1069.  
  1070. JOHN: now that i’m on the spot... i can’t think of anything significant to say.
  1071.  
  1072. JOHN: i always hoped that if i was in this position... i’d have something really awesome and memorable to say...
  1073.  
  1074. JOHN: like...
  1075.  
  1076. JOHN: like nic cage would.
  1077.  
  1078. JOHN: if he died.
  1079.  
  1080. TEREZI: DONT WORRY, 1LL T3LL 3V3RYON3 YOU S41D SOM3TH1NG R34LLY COOL
  1081.  
  1082. JOHN: would you... really do that for me?
  1083.  
  1084. TEREZI: 1F YOU W4NT M3 TO
  1085.  
  1086. JOHN: i don’t... i don’t think anyone will believe you.
  1087.  
  1088. TEREZI: NO TH3Y W1LL
  1089.  
  1090. TEREZI: 1 PROM1S3 1LL W4TCH 3V3RY SH1TTY MOV13 YOU L1K3
  1091.  
  1092. TEREZI: 4ND F1ND JUST TH3 R1GHT STUP1D FUCK1NG QUOT3
  1093.  
  1094. TEREZI: SOM3TH1NG TH4T NOBODY WOULD 3V3R DOUBT JOHN 3GB3RT WOULD US3 4S H1S F1N4L WORDS
  1095.  
  1096. TEREZI: TH3YLL B3L13V3 1T, TRUST M3
  1097.  
  1098. TEREZI: 1LL *M4K3* TH3M B3L13V3 1T
  1099.  
  1100. JOHN: ah... haha...
  1101.  
  1102. JOHN: terezi you know...
  1103.  
  1104. JOHN: i think... i really lo—
  1105.  
  1106. TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3
  1107.  
  1108. JOHN: i... r-really lov—
  1109.  
  1110. TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3 FUCK1NG D13 ON M3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 LOV3 CONF3SS1ON!
  1111.  
  1112. TEREZI: 1 FORB1D 1T!!!
  1113.  
  1114. JOHN: but... i...
  1115.  
  1116. JOHN: i...
  1117.  
  1118. Then John dies in the middle of a love confession.
  1119.  
  1120. Terezi leans closer, then holds perfectly still. She tilts her ear toward him and sniffs once. There, she can hear it. The slow seeping of blood, like a distant stream. The scent of his life leaving his body, strangely unmistakable, like the quality of the air before it rains. She listens to him bleed while she smells him die.
  1121.  
  1122. Terezi presses her ear to his chest and confirms that his heart has stopped. Her tears dry up at that. She’s so devastated she can’t even fucking cry. What is she supposed to do now, when John was the one who asked her to come back to this place? Would she ever have had any intention of returning if it weren’t for him? She doesn’t know anymore. She remembers his voice, so earnest and friable, asking her over and over again to come home. In multiple realities, all he wanted for her was this. To be home safe, with all their friends. And now that she’s here, she’s lost.
  1123.  
  1124. Legs shaking, she gets to her feet and takes a whiff of the horizon. Where the fuck am I, she thinks. How do I just get on with living here after everything that just happened?
  1125.  
  1126. That’s definitely a fair question. But I have one that’s much more important for her to answer.
  1127.  
  1128. Terezi, are you seriously just going to leave the body here?
  1129.  
  1130. TEREZI: HUH?
  1131.  
  1132. Of course not. Terezi’s a practical girl, after all. She digs the wallet out of her blood-stained pants, and captchas the corpse. She holds it close to her heart, like a secret. Like John’s stupid last words: a confession whispered for her and no one else.
  1133.  
  1134. And then she starts walking home.
  1135.  
  1136. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  1137. ROXY: so....
  1138.  
  1139. ROXY: ur here to see jade huh??
  1140.  
  1141. TEREZI: Y34H
  1142.  
  1143. TEREZI: 1 H34RD WH4T H4PP3N3D TO H3R 4ND THOUGHT 1 SHOULD COM3
  1144.  
  1145. TEREZI: W3LL YOU KNOW
  1146.  
  1147. Pay respects? No, that’s dumb. Terezi knows that’s dumb. This is just a motion you go through. John would definitely want to be here, though, and technically Terezi is taking him with her. He may be in her pocket, but lately she’s been feeling more like he’s under her skin. She hasn’t told anyone what happened. But at least she knows she can look at him whenever she wants.
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