Anonicide

>"My little ponies, Anonymous needs to die."
>Princess Celestia stands stoically in front of her ornate throne, towering over the six subjects before her
>The ponies are left speechless at the princess' words
>They nervously shift their eyes and exchange glances for a few seconds before Rainbow Dash speaks up.
>"Wait, like... DIE die? Like for real kick the bucket?"
>"Yes, Rainbow Dash. Anon is rude, manipulative, and abusive to everypony around him. He is toxic to this community, and he's showing no signs of changing. He is a pest and he needs to be exterminated."
>Pinkie giggles apprehensively
>"You mean like... His SPIRIT needs to die, right? We can't actually KILL him because if we ACTUALLY kill him, Hasbro is NOT going to-"
>Celestia removes pinkies mouth from the current plane of existence
>"No, Pinkie Pie. I want Anonymous to be killed. By the end of the day tomorrow, I don't want his heart to be beating. Do I make myself clear?"
>Twilight nervously steps forward and chimes in
>"Princess Celestia. Sure, Anon is a moron, but does he really deserve to-"
>Celestia interrupts
>"Surely I don't have to remind of you all of last week's incident."
>The six of them shrug and nod in agreement as Twilight stands down
>"Okay, fine. But what does this have to do with us? Why did you call us here?"
>"Because one of you is going to kill him."

>All six of them recoil at the suggestion
>"But... wait a second, Princess Celestia. Let's be reasonable here. This is NOT a job for us, right? We solve FRIENDSHIP problems. We're not hitponies. I mean, last time I tried to kill somepony, my HOUSE exploded."
>"Believe me, Twilight. Little Anon is not going to put up any kind of fight. Besides, I'm planning to compensate the assassin quite... liberally."
>The ponies look at one another inquisitively
>Applejack curiously lifts her hoof
>"Err... HOW liberally, exactly?"
>Celestia calmly uses her magic to retrieve a fancy looking black case from behind her throne, and levitates it above of the ponies' faces
>"Trust me, girls. I'll make it worth your while."
>Rainbow Dash hovers up to the case to get a closer look
>"Alright, Princess. Enough with the games. What's in the box?"
>The princess shows a wicked smile
>"You girls like... ice cream, don't you?"
>A mouthless Pinkie Pie manages to produce a muffled guttural shriek of excitement
>As if to say 'why yes, Princess Celestia. I do like ice cream.'
>Celestia chuckles
>"That's what I thought."
>Slowly, she lowers the mysterious black case to the ground
>Celestia's tone of voice becomes whispery and creepy
>"Then why don't you girls take a good look at this?"
>With a quiet click, Celestia unlocks the case
>The lid slowly lifts open on its own, releasing an impossibly massive cloud of dry ice into the room
>After seven full minutes, the dry ice finally dissipates enough that its contents are visible
>The six ponies timidly peer in
>It's an ice cream cone

>Twilight cocks her head
>"An ice cream cone? What are you trying to tell us here, Princess?"
>"Isn't it obvious? Whoever kills Anon gets this ice cream cone."
>Rarity scoffs
>"Princess Celestia! You can't really expect us to commit a murder for just a single ice cream cone, can you?"
>"I don't know. It's a pretty decent ice cream cone if you ask me."
>Dash licks her lips
>"I mean, it does look pretty good."
>Applejack clears her throat
>"So, uh, Princess. Let's say on a scale from one to ten, how good is that ice cream cone?"
>"Solid eight out of ten, easy. A soft nine if I add sprinkles."
>Applejack starts salivating
>"That... that's a pretty good ice cream cone."
>All six ponies stare longingly at the frozen treat for a while
>Fluttershy finally chimes in
>"Um... I think I want to kill Anon and eat that ice cream cone."
>Dash knits her brow
>"Um fuck you Fluttershy I want the ice cream cone."
>"I would trade four apples for HALF of that ice cream cone."
>"I suppose my diet-"
>"Actually girls I'm a princess now so I get the ice cream cone."
>Pinkie Pie, still without a mouth, begins panicking and thrashing from her inability to exclaim how much she wants the ice cream cone
>Celestia puts on a dastardly grin
>"Now, now, girls. There's no need to argue. But let me be clear..."
>The princess leans down and positions her horse mouth less than an inch away from Twilight's ear, and begins to whisper extremely loudly so all the ponies can hear
>"If you want that ice cream cone, I want Anon to suffer. Do you understand me? I want you to make him wish he was never born. If that boy isn't crying through the last seconds of his life, I might just enjoy this ice cream myself. You got it?"
>Twilight leans away and wipes the spittle from her ear
>"Leave it to me, Princess. I mean, he's bumming in my castle, so it would be easiest for me anyway."
>The other five jealously glare at Twilight as Celestia returns Pinkie's mouth and they all head back to Ponyville

>Be Anon
>It's around 11 AM when you finally roll out of bed
>You didn't sleep very well, since Twilight got up at dawn and starting making a bunch of noise
>What was she doing all morning, anyway?
>You find her in her laboratory working on some sort of wacky machine that wasn't there yesterday
>It looks like it came out of a science fiction movie
>It's big and chrome with flashing lights all over it
"The fuck, Twi?"
>"Oh, hi Anon! I'm SO glad you're awake!"
"What? Why?"
>"Can't I just be happy to see you?"
"No. I mean you haven't ever been before."
>The purple pony forces a smile through awkward silence
"So... what's that?"
>Twilight glances at the gizmo and plays dumb
>"What, you mean this old thing?"
>You roll your eyes and sigh
"Yes, Twilight. 'That old thing'. What is it."
>"It is a postsynaptic interceptor!"
"We both know those words mean nothing to me. What does it DO."
>"It's a surprise! Just put on this helmet."
>She grabs a weird metal helmet with an antenna from behind the machine and floats it over to you
"I'm not gonna put on the helmet unless you tell me what it does, Twilight."
>"Ugh. FINE. I'll tell you. You know how for some weird reason, you have a big crush on Rarity?"
>Twilight gently rolls her eyes
>Whenever you bring up how pretty Rarity is, Twilight always gets really irritated and insecure
>It's hilarious
>That's the reason you bring her up half the time
"Yes. And you know why I have a crush on her, Twi. It's because she's actually attractive."
>Twilight's eye twitches as she struggles to maintain a fake smile
>"Right. Okay. Well... I'm going to help you... um... 'score' with her"
>What the fuck is she talking about
"Just... tell me what the damn helmet does Twilight."
>"It's for MIND CONTROL!"

>You stare in disbelief for a few seconds
"Wh- really?"
>"Mmhm!"
"And you're saying that if I put on this helmet, I can control her mind and make her fuck me?"
>"Yep!"
>You raise an eyebrow
"And just why are you trying to help me rail Rarity?"
>"We're friends, Anon! I just want you to be happy! I mean, if I really wanted an ice cream cone, you'd help me get one, right?"
"No, probably not."
>"Do you want to get with Rarity or not?"
>Fuck it
>No risk, no reward
>You put on the helmet
"There. How do I look?"
>"Oh, you look perfect, Anon. Let me just do one thing here, and you'll be all ready to go."
>Twilight turns and grabs a second helmet and puts it on
>You snicker
"What, are you planning on fucking someone too, Twi?"
>"You could say that."
"Who's the unlucky fellow?"
>"That's none of your concern, Anon."
>You notice that her helmet looks a little different than yours
>You also see that hers says "MASTER" on the side
"Wait, what-"
>"Shut up Anon."
>She pulls a lever on the machine
>BZZT
>
>"It worked! It worked! That ice cream cone is so mine! Let's try it out..."
>WOW, TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS SO SMART
>YOU SHOULD TELL HER HOW SMART SHE IS
"Twilight, you are so smart."
>"Why thank you, Anon. That's very nice of you to say."
>YOU ARE A GOOD BOY
>WHAT SHOULD YOU DO NOW
>"Well Anon, I guess I should put you to good use before I claim that ice cream."
>YOU WANT TO ORGANIZE THE BOOKS IN TWILIGHT SPARKLE'S LIBRARY
"I'm going to organize the books in your library, Twilight Sparkle."
>"What a fantastic idea, Anon."

"You have such an impressive library, Twilight Sparkle."
>"Anon, you're so sweet. It looks like you're just about finished."
"I am just about finished."
>TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS SUCH A PRETTY PONY
>SHE IS THE PRETTIEST PONY YOU HAVE EVER SEEN
>HER BUTT IS NOT FLABBY AT ALL
>HER BUTT IS THE BEST BUTT
>SHE IS SO MUCH PRETTIER THAN RARITY
>RARITY IS A WHORE
>YOU WOULD RATHER SLEEP WITH TWILIGHT SPARKLE THAN THAT WHORE RARITY
>THE ONLY REASON TWILIGHT DOES NOT SLEEP WITH STALLIONS IS BECAUSE SHE IS NOT A WHORE LIKE RARITY
>SHE COULD IF SHE WANTED TO
>STALLIONS THAT LIKE RARITY ARE STUPID
>TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS PRETTIER AND SMARTER
>"Whatcha thinkin' about, Anon?"
"I am thinking about you because you are pretty."
>"You're such a big sweetheart, Anon. It's a shame you're about to have an accident."
>IT IS A SHAME YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT
>"Do you want to follow me to the balcony, Anon?"
"I want to follow you to the balcony. Because you are pretty."
>YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU GET TO LOOK AT TWILIGHT'S PRETTY BUTT ON THE WAY TO THE BALCONY
>"Do you want to touch my butt Anon?"
"I want to touch your pretty butt."
>"Well you can't because I'm not a whore."
>WHAT A RESPECTABLE MARE
>"Do you want to be my boyfriend, Anon?"
"I want to be your boyfriend because you're prettier than Rarity."
>"What would you do for me to become my boyfriend?"
"I would do anything to become your boyfriend."
>"I want you to jump off of the balcony. Then you can be my boyfriend."
"I will jump off of the balcony so I can become your boyfriend."
>"Make sure you land on your neck, Anon."

>"Is there anything you'd like to say before you jump?"
"I don't deserve you."
>"Tell me why."
"You're perfect in every way. Especially your butt."
>"You're god damned right."
>IT IS TIME TO JUMP NECK FIRST OFF OF THE BALCONY
>HERE YOU GO
>WEEE
>WHY DID YOU LAND ON A TRAMPOLINE
>Pinkie Pie rips off your helmet
>What the fuck just happened
>Did you nail Rarity yet?
>Is that why your neck hurts so bad?
>You see flabby-assed Twilight above you on her balcony
>She looks pissed
>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PINKIE PIE?"
>Pinkie helps you off the trampoline
>"Sorry Twilight! I think you underestimated how much I love ice cream cones! He's mine!"
>You're so confused
>Twilight huffs childishly
>"This isn't over, Pinkie!"
>"Don't listen to her, Nonny. Come with me."
>You head off with Pinkie towards Sugar Cube Corner
"Um... okay. Ow. What just happened?"
>"Twilight tried to kill you."
"WHAT? WHY?"
>"Dunno. She just kinda snapped. Hey, do you like ice cream cones?"
>Your head is pounding
"Yeah. Ice cream sounds good right now. Hey can I live with you? I kind of don't want live with Twilight any more. You know, the whole murder thing."
>"Sure, Nonny! You can live with me until the day you die!"
"Alright, cool."
>You arrive at an eerily vacant Sugar Cube Corner
"Where are Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Pinkie?"
>"They're down in the basement. We're in the middle of playing a game!"
"What, and you just ditched them?"
>"We're waiting for you, silly! Come on!"

>You follow Pinkie behind the counter and down the shitty, rickety stairs
>The basement is literally pitch black and silent
>It smells like a meadow would smell if meadows smelled like mold and scabs
"Can you hit the lights Pinkie?"
>"Why don't you head over to your podium Anon?"
"My... what?"
>"Anon I think it's time for you to head on over to your podium right now."
"I don't... I can't SEE anything, Pinkie. What are-"
>"Anon if you're not at your podium in fifteen seconds I will send you right back to Twilight."
"FINE. Fine. Here I go. The fuck."
>You hastily explore the basement with your arms swinging in front of you defensively
>After running into two walls, a lamp (that's off), and Mrs. Cake's face, you arrive at a surface that could possibly be 'your podium'
>"Are you there yet Anon? I can't tell if you're there yet because it's too dark down here to see."
"Yeah, I think. What's going-"
>You're interrupted by blindingly bright flashing lights and obnoxiously loud hokey music
>"Aaaaaaand welcome to Sugar Cube Coroner! We've got a real treat for all of you today - we're gonna ask you all some trivia questions and also one of you might die. IS EVERYPONY READY?"
>You look around as your eyes adjust to the light
>You're on what seems to be an outdated game show set, with Pinkie at a desk in front of you in a tuxedo and the Cakes to your right at their own podiums
>You give them a confused look and they shrug, just as confused as you are
>To your left are three numbered curtains that look important
"Pinkie. What is going on?"
>"I'm glad you asked, Anon. I'm going to ask you the questions written on these sticky notes, and if you get one wrong, we open a curtain to find out what your punishment will be. Isn't that FUN?"
"How do we win?"
>"You don't! FIRST QUESTION!"

>"The first contestant is.... MOM."
>Mrs. Cake nervously smiles
>"Pinkie, dear. We talked about this. Please call me Mrs. Cake."
>"Are you ready for your question?"
>"Sure, honey."
>Pinkie clears her throat
>"Okay. Here's your question: What color... is my hair?"
>Mrs. Cake shifts her eyes
>"Mmm... pink?"
>An unbelievably loud dinging sound comes from seemingly everywhere at once
>"THAT'S CORRECT! Great job Mom."
>Mrs. Cake rolls her eyes
>"Next up... it's Mr. Cake! Your question is: What is six plus zero? I'll repeat. What is six... plus zero?"
>Mr. Cake looked paranoid
>"...Six?"
>"THAT'S CORRECT. We're on a roll, folks. Are you ready for your question, Anon?"
>You were confident, to say the least
"Yeah, let's hear it."
>"The topic is spectroscopy. Consider a standard Hydrogen atom and consider an electron dropping from the second orbital to the first. What color will the resulting photon create? I will get you started by telling you that the amount of energy emitted from this shift is one-point-six-two-three times ten to the negative eighteenth joules, although you should of course already know that. You have ten seconds, time starts now."
>Of course
>Might as well just guess a color
"Um. Blue?"
>Both Cakes snicker at your incompetence
>Pinkie looks at you condescendingly
>"That... is INCORRECT. The correct answer was actually that no color at all would be emitted as the resulting photon would have an ultraviolet wavelength."
"Come on, my question was so much harder than theirs!"
>"Grow up, Nonny. I'm just reading the sticky notes."
"Ugh. Whatever. What do I have to do?"
>"OPEN CURTAIN NUMBER ONE!"

>Behind the curtain is what could only be described as hell in Equestria
>A massive cavern was excavated from the basement wall
>In it was glowing pool of magma with rope swings, balance beams, and other obstacles leading to the other side
>The immense heat from the magma quickly spills into the room
>Mrs. Cake's jaw drops
>"Pinkie! What... what is all this?"
>"Well, since Anon got his question wrong, he's gonna try to get through this obstacle course while I throw Saltine crackers at him like ninja stars."
>Nope
"Yeah I'm gonna go ahead and not do that. I'm leaving."
>Pinkie's eyes start getting that crazy look to them
>"Oh, you'll do it, Nonny. We're playing a game. You can't leave."
"Watch me."
>As soon as you take a step, Pinkie whips a remote control out of nowhere and mashes a big red button
>This causes a heavy metal gate to drop down in front of the doorway, blocking the only exit
>This is fucking insane
>Mrs. Cake starts to cry
>A smile never leaves Pinkie's face
>"You can't escape the game Nonny. Not until we're done having fun."
>You start to panic a little
"Why are you doing this, Pinkie?"
>"Because I fucking love ice cream."
"That doesn't seem relevant, but okay."
>Pinkie chucks a cracker at you
>"Now get going."
>Well, let's hope that one time you went to a gym pays off
>You approach the edge of the sea of magma, the finish line maybe a football field's length away
>You grip the rope swing right in front of you, scanning the fifteen foot gap you'll have to clear
"So... I just go whenever?"
>Pinkie just whips another cracker at you

>You take a deep breath, clutch the rope swing, and jump
>You swing across the gap, but you let go of the rope way too late, causing you to lose momentum and slam your testicles on the corner of the ledge
>You do manage to climb onto the platform and not die, though
>You look back at the others
>Just as you turn around, a hi-speed cracker makes direct impact with your eyeball
>"KEEP GOING ANON!"
>You keep going
>It's twenty-five minutes of what is an absolutely harrowing experience
>You almost die during every single obstacle
>Even more terrifying than the obstacles is Pinkie's unbelievable pinpoint accuracy with those fucking crackers
>She successfully got one wedged between your ass cheeks from no less than eighty meters away
>But you somehow make it through alive
>You lay wheezing on top of the finish line when that hokey jingle starts playing again
>Pinkie claps her hooves unenthusiastically
>"We have ourselves a survivor! Now get back here Anon, I have, like, eight more sticky notes."
>You slowly hobble around the pool of magma back and to your podium
>On your return, a teary-eyed Mrs. Cake hugs you in relief
>"Now Mom, please refrain from fraternizing with the enemy."
>"Pinkie, please-"
>"ROUND 2!"
>Mrs. Cake hangs her head and makes her way back to her podium
>"Here's your question. What is... my pet alligator's name?"
>Mrs. Cake sighs
>"Gummy."
>"Yay, you're right! Okay Mr. Cake, here's yours. Another math question. What is six plus ONE?"
>A look of confusion has not left Mr. Cake's face since this began
>"Six plus one is seven."
>"Woooow, you're gooooood. Your turn again Anon. Ready?"
"No."

>"Okay, here it goes. What did I have for breakfast this morning?"
>For the love of god
>Well, the last one was a trick question, so maybe this one is too
"I'm gonna guess that you didn't have breakfast this morning."
>"WRONG AGAIN, LOSER. Come on Anon, you honestly think that I of all ponies would skip breakfast? Do you even know me?"
>That's a good point
>"I had oatmeal this morning. You really should have seen that coming."
>That's also a good point
"Pinkie, this game isn't fun at all."
>"Glad to hear it Anon. OPEN THE SECOND CURTAIN."
>The curtain reveals a big cage with an angry looking timberwolf inside
>Mrs. Cake faints at the sight of it
>The creature immediately begins to snarl at you, as if it had been trained to hate you
"Pinkie, how the fuck did you get a Timberwolf?"
>"Anon, I'm in a little bit of a predicament. Will you do me a quick favor?"
"Please no."
>"I seem to have left my fake moustache in Timmy's cage. Why don't you go get it for me?"
>There was in fact a tiny moustache in the far corner of the cage
>You take a deep breath
"That's it? I just have to get the moustache?"
>"That's it!"
>It'll be a cool way to die at least
"Fine. Let's go."
>"Yay! I should warn you though, for the past six hours, I've been shooting spitballs at him while showing him pictures of your face, so he's probably a little pissed."
>The timberwolf growls
"Just open the cage."
>Pinkie unlocks the cage's door
>You slip inside, locking eyes with the beast
>Pinkie slams the door behind you
>The wolf exhales through its nose and gets ready to pounce
>You run for it

>In two steps, your weak, pathetic legs give out and you trip and fall onto your face
>The wolf, not having calculated your clumsiness into its approach, trips over your limp body and smashes its face into the side of the cage
>While it's dazed, you sprint as fast as you can to retrieve the moustache
>Once you have it, you turn around and see the wolf getting ready to attack again
"OPEN THE DOOR, PINKIE."
>"Say pretty please!"
>You start dashing towards the door
>The wolf takes off, looking to cut you off
"PRETTY PLEASE."
>Pinkie opens the cage door, and you make a dive for it
>The wolf latches onto your leg as you land in the doorway
>You're going to lose a fucking leg
>As you feel the animal's jaws closing on your calf, you throw the moustache at Pinkie
>Pinkie smiles
>She whistles, causing the timberwolf to let go of your leg and run to Pinkie's side
>Pinkie scratches the crazed beast behind the ears
>"Good show, Anon. Back to your podium."
>You're still laying on the ground at the cage door
"Can I have a minute? I'm a little busy bleeding."
>"Either get up, or you can play with Timmy again."
>You hobble back to your podium
>"Alright, folks! Three more sticky notes, one more curtain, it's round three! Mom, you're up!"
>Mrs. Cake is still passed out on the floor from seeing that timberwolf
>"Your question is... what town do we live in?"
>
>Nothing
>"Mom? Your answer?"
>
>Pinkie's hair deflates
>"Um... I'm afraid... since I didn't get an answer... Mrs. Cake is gonna have to get the third punishment. It's the rules of the game."
>She begins to tear up
>"...open curtain number three."
>Behind the curtain is a single shotgun
>You and Mr. Cake watch in disbelief
"Pinkie, stop. You don't have to do this."
>"It's the rules. I have to."
>She holds up a sticky note that says 'The Rules: I have to.'
>"You should probably head out, Anon. You don't need to stay for this."
>She opens up the basement's exit
>You do what she says and go upstairs

>You slowly leave Sugarcube Corner, absolutely mortified
>You'll never be the same
>"Oh Anonymous!! Over here, darling!"
>You look up to see Rarity fluttering her eyelashes at you
"H... Hi."
>What a sexually attractive horse
>"Why don't you come with me to the boutique, hmm? I'd REALLY like to spend some time with you."
>She flips her mane
"Wha... really?"
>"But of course! I've been having this CRAVING for something that only YOU can give me."
>Is she really hitting on you?
>Rarity has barely ever even looked at you before, let alone hit on you
"Um... what is it that you're craving?"
>"Well, it's white. And it's a little sticky. And I can't wait to have it in my mouth."
>You know, for a slut, Rarity should really be better than this at flirting
>Not that you care
"Yeah, I'm in. Let's go."
>You follow her to the boutique
>You can't believe how much better Rarity's butt is compared to Twilight's
>You notice her swaying her hips even more than normal, showing off for you
>This is amazing
>It almost makes up for having narrowly escaped death three times today
>The two of you walk into the Carousel Boutique and Rarity leads you into the back
>"I hope you don't mind that I make myself a little more... comfortable."
>Rarity struts across the room and climbs into a lounge chair
>She lays back on the chair with her belly and legs pointed towards the ceiling
>She keeps her tail up, veiling her marehood
>"Well Anon? Do you see anything you like?"
>Fuck yes
>You try to keep your cool
"Well, I mean... your tail..."
>She wags it a little bit
>"What's the matter, Anon? Don't you like my tail?"
"Well, no. It's not that. It's-"
>"Oh, I understand. You want a look at my poussoir, do you?"
>You nod
>"Well why didn't you just say so?"
>She slowly lowers her tail, revealing the most beautiful vagina that you've ever laid eyes upon

>As it comes into sight, the dewy contours of Rarity's sweet briar reflect the sun's rays from the window
>You shield your eyes for a moment to allow your pupils to adjust to the brilliance
>Finally, you're able to focus on the majesty before you
>Her labia frames her delicate honey pot like an ornate artisan tapestry perfected to the most minute detail
>Her clitoris, a beacon of delicacy and feminine arousal, barely peeks into view from her rosy musculature
>Your eyes can't help but wander into the beckoning depths of her vagina, the very image of sexual health and maturity
>It was sanguine and prospering, wealthy with an abundance of nutrients and moisture
>As your gaze continued deeper into her golden valley, you begin to see the flourishing ecosystem therein
>You follow a babbling stream of fluids until it gets lost a thick understory of shrubs and vines, accompanied by beautiful and exotic looking fauna
>The forest canopy reaches nearly to the cavern ceiling, the entwinement of its brambles providing home to numerous vibrant birds and fruits alike
>Indeed, the environment was dense, thriving, and overflowing with life
>In the distance, you just barely notice the stream flow into a what seems to be a wooden water wheel
>Upon closer inspection, not only do you find that the brook indeed leads to a water wheel attached to a small mill, but to a spacious grove in the heart of the woodlands
>In the clearing is a quaint agricultural village, with only about fifteen or sixteen buildings total

>Although small, the village bustles with activity as its residents happily go about their daily business
>You see a farmer out inspecting and harvesting his crops
>Two young and sprightly children, one boy and one girl, laugh and run about while helping tend to the farm animals
>Their attention is stolen by their mother, placing a delicious looking cherry pie on the sill on an open window to cool
>Across the road from the farm is a very muscular man repairing the roof of the local post office
>As the postman lugs the day's mail out the front door, they both take a moment to wave to one another and exchange how-do-you-do's
>It looked like a fine place to live indeed
>Among the amiability, though, was one very distressed looking man
>He was the town doctor, and although you couldn't hear his voice through the bustle of the town, you could just barely read the words on his lips
>"Have you seen my wife and daughter"
>"Have you seen my wife and daughter"
>"Please, have you seen my wife and daughter"
>Nobody had
>He ran from person to person in desperation, on the verge of tears
>Finally, he got an answer from the farmer
>You couldn't make out exactly what the farmer told the man, but a look of horror washed over the man's face upon hearing it
>Slowly, he turned and faced the dark forest situated on the far side of the village
>Even during the daytime, this forest was one of shadow and mystery
>Only a few brave souls ever ventured there and returned to tell the tale
>And now this man's beloved wife and daughter were lost within
>The man solemnly looked to the skies, as if to a god or a passed relative
>And he hoped
>He hoped, because hope was all he had
>For only fate could save them now

>Deep within the dark forest, nothing was certain
>You couldn't tell a tree from a man
>The wind from a whimper
>A pair of leaves from a pair of eyes
>You couldn't even tell the night from the day
>There was one thing you could tell, though
>The dark forest... was alive
>It was alive and it did not appreciate trespassers
>It wanted you out, or it wanted you dead
>And since the blanket of darkness made it nearly impossible to escape, your only option was to die
>Today however, the forest bore something which it very seldom bore
>A light
>A weak and flickering one, but a light nonetheless
>It came from an old brass lantern, and it was barely illuminating a dismal scene
>It was a mother and daughter
>The mother wept, knelt with her child in her arms
>The child was alive, but she was suffering
>Her breathing was slow, and her movements lazy
>Her ailment was unclear, but anyone could tell it that was dire
>There wasn't much time
>Through heavy sobs, the mother looked to the heavens to deliver a final desperate call for help
>"Someone! Anyone..."
>In hysterics, she ran her fingers through her daughter's hair
>"Is anybody listening?!"
>She took a moment to gather herself
>"If anyone can hear me... my daughter..."
>She paused to kiss the child's forehead
>"She needs... she needs cum!! If she goes without cum for much longer..."
>The mother broke into more tears at the thought
>"If she goes without cum for much longer... then this will be the end."
>She raised the child to her breast in a warm embrace
>"... please... anyone"
>You knew what you had to do

>You lock eyes with Rarity
>She gives you the look
>You know the look
>You shimmy off your pants as fast as you possibly can, revealing a penis more erect than you thought possible
>She winks
>"Come and get it, big boy."
>Time's up, let's do this
>Blue-skidoo, we can too
>Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go
>But before you take a step, you see her reach her hoof between the cushions of the couch
>She pulls out a huge kitchen knife
>No
>It was a trap
>"What are you waiting for, Anon?"
>It was a trap all along
>You're frozen in place by an impossible combination of primal lust and mortal fear
>Suddenly, you notice an unnatural draft coming from behind
>The curtains begin to sway
>You hear the furniture begin to rattle
>You begin to realize what's happening
>A ball of yarn flies past your head towards Rarity, whose vagina completely consumes it
>"Resisting is only going to make this more painful, Anon."
>All of the odds and ends in the room are swept into the vacuum, becoming lost in Rarity's depths
>The shutters clank against the side of the boutique repeatedly
>The windows shatter
>Rarity lets out a dastardly cackle
>As leaves and twigs begin to be sucked into the building, you start to lose your footing
>The soles of your shoes begin to slide across the floorboards as you're being pulled dick-first towards Rarity's demon cunt
>Somehow, your erection has grown to almost twice its normal size, stubbornly pointing towards Rarity's pussy like the needle of a compass
>You try to struggle out of the current, but it's too strong
>Shrieks of terror come from outside as an assortment of mailboxes, wooden carts, and roof shingles flies through the shattered window

>You're accelerating towards your doom
>Only a couple of feet separate the head of your penis from the entrance of Rarity's all-consuming void
>Only a couple of feet separate your ribcage from the tip of that knife
>What a way to go
>At the very least, you hope your dick reaches her vagina before the knife reaches your heart
>Just like you've always said, if you're gonna die, you might as well die with your penis inside of a slutty horse
>All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a stallion who must have been standing somewhere outside gets sucked through the window (dick-first, of course)
>Like a javelin, his horse penis penetrates Rarity at about mach-2, sealing the vacuum, and saving you from certain death in the nick of time
>Rarity was fortunately able to withdraw her knife in time to spare the now very confused stallion
>You immediately become flaccid
>"Oh, phooey!"
"Rarity, what... what ARE you?"
>She peeks around the stallion who is still inside her
>"What do you mean, love?"
"Your vagina... are you some kind of monster? Are you possessed?"
>"Oh don't be silly, dear! A bit of feminine charm can go a long way, that's all."
>She redirects her gaze to her unexpected suitor
>"Er... pardon me, sir? I think we're done here. Please... exit."
>The stallion, still looking very disoriented, gets off of Rarity and meanders out the front door of the boutique
"Tell me why everyone's trying to kill me."
>"Whatever do you mean, Anonymous?"
"This is the third time today that someone has tried to kill me. I want to know what's up."
>"Well, if you really want to know..."
>Rarity sighs as her eyes wander across the room
"Just tell me."

>Before she gets a chance to respond, something massive smashes through the roof of the boutique
>Rarity shrieks as a hefty portion of her shop crumbles to the ground
>You instinctively shield you face and recoil
>Before the dust settles, you're stricken hard in the chest with a steel grappling hook, which wraps around your arms and leaves you completely restrained
>You hear a familiar raspy voice call through the rubble
>"You're coming with me, mister."
"Huh? Rainbow Dash?"
>As soon as you hear her take off, your body is violently torn from the ground
>Before you know it, you're being keelhauled 5000 feet in the air, dragged by nothing more than a 40 foot grappling hook rope attached to flimsy looking crossbow that looks like it came out of a toy store
"DASH. WHAT THE FUCK?!"
>She peeks back at you and playfully sticks out her tongue
"DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?"
>"Geez, Anon, chill out. I just have to kill you quick, okay?"
>At least she was honest
"NO. NOT 'OKAY'. OF COURSE THAT'S NOT OKAY. WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?!"
>Dash smiles and makes a B-line towards city hall
>"Get ready for the legislative DIS-assembly!"
"Real bad joke, Rainbow."
>She veers barely out of the way of the building, causing you to swing out and smash clear through the upper tower
>Your body spectacularly takes out a window and a couple rafters before smashing back out of the far wall
>You miraculously survive
>In shock, you try to inspect your body for injuries
>You couldn't really figure much out while you were stuck in the grappling hook
"DASH, JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG. WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT"
>"Can't hear you, Anon."
>You look up to see that she somehow is now wearing sunglasses and shredding on an electric guitar
"LET ME DOWN!"
>"Whatever you say, boss."
>Rainbow Dash lets go of the grappling hook between sick guitar riffs
>You quickly realize that you are now free-falling face first from a thousand feet up while bleeding and stuck in a grappling hook
>Fuck

>You've got to think fast
>A bit off to the left, you notice a massive open cart of quills being delivered to Davenport's
>It's gonna be ugly, but it's your only shot
>You do your best to point your body towards the cart
>Fuck, it's gonna be close
>You just barely manage to land in the pile of quills, completely destroying both the grappling hook and the cart in the process
>As you try to gather yourself, Davenport runs out of his store to see the carnage
>"MY QUILLS!"
>You manage to get to your feet, white feathers sticking to all of your wounds
>Dash lands about twenty feet in front of you and squints
>"Your CLUCK is about to run out, Anon."
>Oh, see, because of the feathers
>Rainbow Dash whips out a second pair of sunglasses and puts them on over top of the first
>She pulls out a third pair of shades and gives you a nod
>Oh, she wants...
>Okay
"I... quill not surrender!"
>She doesn't look impressed but she tosses you the shades anyway
>As you put them on, Dash pulls out a dumb looking sword and looks at you expectantly
"Where the fuck did you get a sword?!"
>"IT'S MY KATANA, IDIOT. Now... prepare to die."
>Shit, yo
>You dart through town square looking for anything that might help
>It isn't long before the fastest pony in Equestria catches up to you
>Holding the sword in her mouth, she takes a clumsy swing
>You pretty easily avoid the blade
>It seemed like she didn't really know how to use it, but spent maybe a half an hour practicing with it in front of a mirror
>She corners you up against a market stall that sells hats
>As she winds up to take another swing, you quickly pull a hat rack in front of you in defense
>Her swing is deflected by the rack in a shower of fedoras
>She snickers
>"Hold on to your hats, folks. We're just getting started."
>On goes a third pair of sunglasses

>The skirmish continues through town square
>You continue to defend against her pathetic advances using the hat rack
>The two of you have a run in with the flour stall, leaving the whole area in a dense white cloud
>Your blades are locked amidst the disarray
>"Aw, Anon, flours for me? YOU SHOULN'T HAVE."
>Another pair of shades
>Where is she even keeping all these?
>She shoves you into the nearby produce stall, and you fall back into a pile of fruit
>She lunges towards you to plunge the sword into your chest, but you're able to roll out of the way just in time
>She withdraws her sword, an orange skewered on the tip
>"Come on, Anon. Orange you getting tired of running?"
>Yet another pair
"Your puns are almost as bad as your swordmanship, Dashie."
>Now she's pissed
>"THAT'S IT."
>She throws the sword aside and zooms into your chest
>She piledrives you into a stack of hay
>Her five pairs of sunglasses somehow stay on her face
>"YOU NEED TO DIE ANON. STOP FIGHTING BACK."
"I don't think so, Dash. And you know what else?"
>Dash knits her brow
>You stand back up from the haystack and suplex her into it
"...Hay is for horses."
>Her jaw drops, impressed at your superior punsmithing
>"Holy shit Anon, that one was amazing."
"I know, I'm pretty proud of it."
>"Honestly, that was better than any of mine so far. Did you think of that off the top of your head?"
"Yeah, it just came to me."
>"Damn. I'm jealous."
"Good."
>You bitch slap her run for it
>The sun is starting to set
>You come up with a plan

>You quickly get Rainbow Dash to chase you back into the marketplace
>There's no time to waste
>The first stall you get to is a clock shop
>You hurl a clock at Dash
>She dodges it
>"It's only a matter of TIME 'til I catch you, Anon."
>She puts on another pair of shades
>Perfect
>You get to a pillow shop and whip a pillow at her
>"Sweet dreams, Anon."
>Another pair
>Just a few more
>This time you throw a lamp
>"Any more BRIGHT IDEAS?"
>A shovel
>"You're DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE, Anon."
>A cake
>"You want a piece of me?!"
>One more should do it
>You get desperate and hurl a small child at Dash
>"Quit acting like a BABY, Anon!"
>At this point, Rainbow Dash is running into things left and right
>It's pretty hard to see through eleven pairs of sunglasses
>Especially when the sun's almost down
>While Dash is slowly stumbling her way towards you, you run behind a table selling stuffed animals and lean down, making your face blend in with the faces of the toys
>She's completely lost track of you at this point
>With her dukes up, she cluelessly meanders past you
>"Show yourself, coward! Where did you go?! You can't hide from me forever!"
>You're finally free
>You look back at the carnage behind you
>The marketplace is destroyed
>Your body is absolutely wrecked
>You'd go home, but Twilight tried to kill you earlier today
>You decide to start limping to the infirmary
>That wolf bite opened back up during the fight, and it was looking pretty nasty
>Better get it cleaned out before it gets infected
>Halfway there, you're stopped by a familiar voice
>"Oh Anonymous, you poor, poor thing!"
"Oh. Hi Fluttershy."
>"Anon, you just HAVE to come back to my cottage and let me take care of you! Look at you! You need care! And who knows how long the wait at the infirmary might be?"
>You're hesitant
"I don't know..."
>"I insist! Those sterile old nurses at the infirmary could never give the love and attention that your friend Fluttershy can give you. Now come along, quickly!"

>Fluttershy takes you into her cottage and lays you down on an examination table in her living room
"Fluttershy why do you have this table in your living room?"
>"I take care of animals, Anon. Now please just relax. I'll be right back with some supplies."
>You take a deep breath as Fluttershy heads into another room
>It feels nice to relax after all the shit you've been through today
>Almost immediately you begin to doze off
>
"Ow! What the fuck?!"
>You wake to a seething pain on your leg
>It feels like Fluttershy is scrubbing out the wound with alcohol
>"Oh, I'm sorry, Anon. Did I scare you?"
"No! I mean, yeah, but it's okay."
>You try to readjust, and realize that your legs and arms are tied down to the table
"Uh..."
>"Anon, just relax. We can't have you squirming around while I'm treating you, or you might hurt yourself even more. And we wouldn't want that, would we?"
>She gently strokes the top of your head
>You can smell alcohol on her breath
"Fluttershy please let me leave."
>She softly kisses your forehead
>"You're beautiful, do you know that?"
>What in the everloving fuck is going on
"Fluttershy, you smell like tequila and cat piss, just please let me go."
>"Not until I'm done FIXING you."
>She's psychotic
>Fluttershy ties an old piece of pink fabric around your leg to dress the wound
>It's extremely coarse, and she doesn't put it on very carefully
>"Oh, look how pretty that is. Much prettier than those ugly scars."
"Fluttershy-"
>"SHUT UP. Good girls don't speak out of turn, REMEMBER?"
>What does she mean, 'remember'?
>She reaches into a brown paper bag and pulls out two sticks of lipstick
>"Which do think would look better, Anon? A natural pink, or a sexy red?"
>What the fuck
>"Let's just use them both, hmm?"
>She pins your head to the table and gets to work

>She scribbles all over your lips with both colors of lipstick
>She's clearly not even trying to do a good job
>"Oh, look how PRETTY you are!"
>She holds a mirror to your face
>The lipstick is all over the place
>You look like a child who stole his mother's makeup
>"That's what little girls are SUPPOSED to look like."
"Jesus, Fluttershy, who hurt you?"
>Her eyes grow even wider
>"This isn't about me, Anon. This is about you. I need to make you better."
>She pulls blush out of the bag
>Starts dabbing it only your cheeks
"Tell me why you're doing this."
>"Because you should be beautiful, Anon. All little girls should be beautiful. Little girls wear MAKEUP and DRESSES, not BANDAIDS. Little girls should be playing with DOLLS, not with BUGS. No one will like you if you spend all day playing with those filthy animals. If you don't learn to act like a LADY, THEN YOU'LL NEVER GET MARRIED. YOU'LL NEVER HAVE BABIES. YOU'LL BE A COMPLETE WASTE OF LIFE AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. I'll be right back."
>She goes to her kitchen and you hear the clinking of glass bottles
>This is fucked
>You try to squirm free of the ropes, but to no avail
>Damn, Fluttershy is good with knots
>She hears you moving around and rushes back in
>She's crying and smiling
>The creepiest combination
>"Who the FUCK do you think you are?"
"...Anon?"
>She bursts into tears
>"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I SHOULD BE DIFFERENT. YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME."
>She takes a deep breath and stops crying on a fucking dime
>"Let's get these clothes off of you so I can give you a proper examination."

>She aggressively shimmies your pants down to your knees, revealing your boxers
>"WHAT A PRETTY LITTLE YELLOW PUSSY."
>She punches you in the face
>This is some seriously disturbing behavior
>You try to talk her out of it
"Fluttershy, I don't know what's going on, but I like you just the way you are."
>She calms down
>Almost too much
>"Oh, Anon"
>She strokes your cheek
>"What did I tell you about speaking out of turn?"
>She pulls a cat o' nine tails whip out of the paper bag
>"One day you'll learn to behave."
>With the whip in her mouth, she winds up her whole body, and uses all the force she can muster to strike you
>The whip's tails gently land on your abdomen
>You can tell she's frustrated with her lack of strength
>You decide to fake it in an attempt to move things along
"Ow! Ow! Please don't do that again!"
>She gets her confidence back
>"That's right, bitch. CRY."
>She 'whips' you again
"Please! No more! I'll do whatever you want!"
>She belches
>"Anything?"
>No
"Yes."
>She hesitates, deep in thought
>"...we'll have a tea party."
"A tea party."
>"A tea party!"
"Fine. We'll have a tea party."
>"I know just the dress!"
>She hugs you then stumbles off and returns with a yellow sundress
>"Now Anon..."
>You can tell she's starting to sober up slightly
>"I'm going to untie you, but you can't leave. You're still my patient. Okay?"
>She smiles at you
>You don't want to chance it
"Fine. I won't leave."
>She unties you from the table and hands you the dress
>It's clearly way too small
"Can I at least have some privacy?"
>She doesn't respond, and just continues staring at you and smiling
>You bashfully turn away from her and disrobe
>She belches
>You barely manage to squeeze your body into the yellow dress
>"You look perfect Anon. Now please accompany me to the kitchen while I prepare the tea."
>She beckons for you to go before her
>Still smiling
>You can't remember the last time you saw her blink
>You take a seat at the table while she puts on the kettle

>After four minutes of very uncomfortable smiling, the kettle whistles
>She turns away from you to prepare your tea
>"How do you prefer your tea, Anon? Sugar? Cream? Honey?"
"Plain is fine."
>She whips her head around to look at you
>"What? Surely you'd like SOMETHING in your tea!"
>Oh okay, she wants to poison the tea
"Nope, I like it plain."
>She gets frustrated
>"Anon, take it from me. This particular tea is unimaginably bitter! It tastes much better with something in it!"
"Mmm, bitter. My favorite!"
>"Maybe... just one cube of sugar?"
"Fluttershy, I'm your guest, and I want it plain."
>She grits her teeth
>"Fine. One plain tea coming right up."
>The two of you lock gazes for about ten seconds
>You can tell she's conflicted
>She shifts her eyes and begins to very slowly reach towards a cabinet as if you wouldn't notice
"Whatcha doing Fluttershy?"
>"What do you mean, Anon?"
>She slowly opens the cabinet
"Why are you opening the cabinet?"
>"I'm not opening the cabinet. You wanted your tea plain."
>She pulls from the cabinet a jar that's clearly labelled 'mandrake'
"Why are you getting mandrake?"
>"I... I'm not."
>She starts to well up
"Fluttershy I can clearly see you trying to poison my tea. I'm not going to drink it."
>"I MESS EVERYTHING UP."
>She drops the jar on the floor and starts weeping
>You walk over to her and kneel down next to her
"Hey, it's okay. You tried, and that's all that really counts."
>"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. NOT EVEN MURDER. I REALLY AM A WASTE OF LIFE."
"I mean... kind of, yeah. But you don't have to word it like that."
>"JUST LEAVE. LEAVE ME WITH MY STUPID ANIMALS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE."
>Poor Fluttershy
>She really needs a good friend who she can talk to about all this
"Okay, bye."

>As you leave the cottage, you realize you left your clothes in there
>You then realize that you're in public in a tiny yellow dress, with your face smeared with makeup
>And that you're covered with wounds from being launched through a building
>And that Rarity gave you blue balls
>And that you have a giant gash in your leg from Pinkie's timberwolf
>And that your neck feels broken from whatever Twilight did
>Defeated, you sit down on the ground to relax
>After a few minutes, to no surprise, Applejack walks up and sits next to you
"Hi AJ"
>"Howdy, Anon."
"Are you going to try to kill me?"
>"Yup."
"Okay."
>"But uh... before we get to that... why're you uh... wearing that dress?"
>You nonchalantly point to Fluttershy's house
>She nods in understanding
>"Well listen, why don't you come with me to the barn and we'll get you cleaned up, so you can at least die with some dignity."
"Okay."
>She helps you up and walks you to the barn
>She gets you a washcloth so you can wipe off the makeup, and gives you some old coats and towels that you can wear instead of the dress.
>She brings you into her house and sits you down on a sofa with a slice of apple pie
>She sits down in an armchair and pours herself a glass of scotch
>"Do you like whiskey, Anon?"
"Not really, no."
>She pours you a glass and chuckles
>"Drink it anyway. This stuff has been with me during my highest highs and lowest lows. Beautiful, too. Like liquid gold."
>You cautiously smell the drink
"Smells like nail polish remover."
>"I don't know what in tarnation a nail polish remover is but you'd better get sippin'."
>You get sippin'
>It's awful, but you don't really care
"So what, are you gonna force feed me apples until I die or something?"
>She chuckles
>"Of course not, Anon. That would be silly. You'll be put on public trial outside of town hall and then you'll be hanged."

"Public trial for what?"
>"That's for the public to decide, Anon."
"Then this isn't really a fucking trial, is it, AJ?"
>"This is what I figure's gonna happen. You're gonna get up on the gallows at town hall, and once everyone's done yelling about how bad you are, you'll die. Sound good?"
"And what if I just don't go?"
>"Then I go get my gun and this whole thing gets a lot less interesting."
>You're done fighting
"Fine. I'll go, whatever. By the way, why does Ponyville even have a gallows? I've never even seen someone get arrested, let alone executed."
>"Well, I reckon we used the gallows to kill all the bad ponies, and that's why there are none left."
"I guess that makes sense."
>"Now throw back that juice and let's get going."
>You walk with Applejack to city hall
>She doesn't even seem worked up
>She's just talking to you about apples and weather
>You're starting to think that Equestria is such a utopia, that they don't even understand the concept of death and mortality
>Like this is just a game to them
>And now you don't even get to die in a fun way
>Why couldn't Rarity's plan have worked?
>"Here we are, Anon."
>You see a crowd of hundreds of angry looking Ponyville residents, surrounding a gallows readied with a noose
>When they see you approaching, they all begin to cheer and stomp their hooves
>As Applejack accompanies you to the gallows, a few ponies spit at your feet
>All the while, you're just racking your brain trying to come up with one, just one single thing you could have possibly done to piss everyone off
>Applejack helps you onto the gallows, ties your hands behind your back, and fixes the noose around your neck
>Your head almost reaches the beam that the noose is hanging from
>You stand on a big trap door, which once open will cause you to fall to your death
>You wait patiently for the 'public trial', hoping to learn why the fuck everyone wants you dead

>Applejack takes her place at a podium beside the gallows and clears her throat
>"My little ponies. We gather here today to publicly take the life of Anonymous."
>The entire crowd boos at the mention of your name
>What the fuck did you do
>"Once I pull this here crank, the floor will fall beneath him and he will pass on to the great beyond."
>The ponies cheer wildly
>"But first, I'd like to open the floor to all the ponies who wish to air their grievances against Anon here. Really let him have it. Don't be shy now. Who's first?"
>No one volunteers
>Only some quiet murmurs come from the crowd
>Really? No one?"
"This means I get to live, right?"
>"You shut up. You're not getting out of this. There must be SOMEPONY who can testify."
>Silence
>"Well damn, why are y'all here and booing if you can't even give me a reason why you're mad?"
>A mare in the front row speaks up
>"We just wanted to see an execution."
>Everyone nods in a agreement
"I DEMAND AN APPEAL."
>The audience gasps
>Applejack leers at you
>"There will be order in this court."
"We're outside though."
>"I SAID ORDER."
>The crowd goes 'ooh'
"Applejack, you-"
>"That's 'Your Honor' to you, Anon."
"Your fucking Honor, you cannot in good conscience sentence me to death without telling me what I did wrong."
>"The fuck I can't!"
>She grips the death crank
"AJ, just-"
>"YOUR HONOR."
>You take a deep breath
"Your Honor, just, please, tell me why you want me dead. It's my dying wish."
>"Your dying wish, huh?"
"It's all I want."
>"Then I can kill you?"
"Then you can kill me."
>She stares at you for a couple seconds
>"Fine. I guess I'll tell you."
>She looks ashamed as she clears her throat
>"Um... Celestia told me and the girls that whoever killed you would get an ice cream cone!"
>The floor falls from beneath you

>You're tall enough to safely land on the ground below without the noose tightening
>"Dang flabbit."
"AN ICE CREAM CONE?"
>The crowd makes a disappointed "aww" and begins to disperse
"THAT'S WHY EVERYONE'S BEEN TRYING TO MURDER ME? FOR A FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE?"
>"Well you should've seen it, Anon. It looked pretty good, and-"
"It looked 'pretty good'? That's it? MAYBE I'd have some sympathy if it were a 'SPECTACULAR' looking ice cream cone. Or even a 'GREAT' looking ice cream cone. But you wanted to off me for a fucking... a 'PRETTY GOOD' looking ice cream cone? ALL ICE CREAM CONES LOOK 'PRETTY GOOD', APPLEJACK."
>"Don't trivialize this, Anon."
"Trivialize it? It's an ICE CREAM CONE. IT'S INHERENTLY TRIVIAL."
>"Anon-"
"You know what's NOT trivial? A LIFE. And I think we can agree that you trivialized my life quite a bit."
>You see the other five murderers run up to the gallows, pushing one another, presumably arguing over who gets to kill you
"Oh, good. You know what? I'm glad you're all here. You know what I'm most disappointed in with you six?"
>They all stop bickering to listen to you
"That not a single one of you stopped to realize that YOU CAN BUY YOUR OWN FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE. WITHOUT COMMITING HOMOCIDE. What kind of problem solving is that? I'm talking to a fucking princess genius, and a pink bitch that eats ice cream literally every single day. And neither of you thought to buy your own ice cream?"
>You can tell they're starting to feel a little bad
"In fact, Pinkie, I'll bet that you fucking bought ice cream today, didn't you?"
>Pinkie's ears droop
>"Um, maybe?"
"But you still wanted to kill me for more ice cream?!"
>"But... Princess Celestia just made it sound sooo goooood!"
"That's it. Take me. Take me to her. Twilight, poof us there. I need an explanation."
>Twilight smiles nervously
>"Are you sure, Anon? I mean... she's kind of the one who wanted you dead in the first place."
"Poof us. Poof us to the princess."
>You are poofed

"HEY PRINCESS BITCH!"
>You storm towards Celestia's throne as the six murderers sheepishly trail behind you
>"Anonymous! It's good to see you! Although, I thought we'd moved past the name calling."
"Why the fuck did I spend all day dealing with murder attempts?"
>She knits her brow
>"I don't know. It sounds like a personal problem."
"Don't play dumb with me. These six have been trying to kill me ALL DAY."
>She looks at the girls, then slowly back to you
>"Why? What did you do?"
"THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW."
>"Well why would I know?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD THEM TO KILL ME."
>"Really? Oh! Oh. I remember now. For the ice cream cone, right?"
"YES. FOR THE ICE CREAM CONE."
>She giggles
>"Oh, I completely forgot about that! And none of them could finish the job, huh?"
"Clearly not."
>"I don't know whether I should be impressed with you or disappointed with them."
"I think you'd better start explaining."
>"Explaining what, exactly?"
"WHY YOU TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED."
>"Oh! Sure! Well yesterday, I got word of your little mishap last week."
"What mishap? I barely even leave Twilight's castle, what could I have possibly done?"
>"Well Luna told me that one of the guards' girlfriends said that her niece goes to school in Ponyville. And she said that one of her friends overheard that their mom had smiled at you when you were walking past her, and you didn't smile back. Do you not remember that?"
"No, Celestia. Of course I don't remember that. Applejack, you didn't tell me jack shit about this!"
>Applejack shifts her eyes
>"Well, uh... to be honest with you, when Celestia told us that you needed to be punished for your "incident", I really had no idea what she was referring to. Didn't wanna argue with royalty, you know?"
>The other five nod in agreement

>You glare back at Celestia
"And now you're just over it? You went from wanting me dead to just not caring? Because you don't seem very mad."
>"Yeah, no. You're good to go."
"No. This can't just be over. I want... reparations! Or something! At least an apology!"
>Celestia looks shocked by your demand
>"Anonymous, please calm down. I just made a mistake."
"TRYING TO KILL ME IS MORE THAN JUST A MISTAKE."
>Twilight steps forward
>"Everyone makes mistakes, Anon."
>Rarity puts her hoof around Twilight
>"Even the ones you look up to most!"
"NO. YOU CAN'T JUST TURN THIS INTO A FRIENDSHIP LESSON. STOP."
>Rainbow Dash zooms into the air
>"And even though someone might accidentally make you sad..."
>Fluttershy lifts her front hoof
>"It's important to learn how to forgive."
"WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN."
>Pinkie Pie puts a party hat on you
>"If you don't forgive someone, then how could you have any FUN with them?"
>Applejack nudges your leg
>'Besides, who HASN'T made a mistake or two. I know I have!"
>The group chuckles
"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME."
>Celestia smiles
>"Very good, girls. You know what would make this day even better? Let's all share that ice cream cone! What do you say?"
>"YEAH!!"
>The girls run up to Celestia as you begin to cry
>Celestia retrieves a box from behind her throne and opens it up to get the ice cream cone
>But inside the box, they find Spike waking up from a nap with ice cream smudged on his face
>"What? I was hungry!"
>The ponies roll their eyes in unison
>"Spiiiiiiike!"
>Everybody shares a long, hearty laugh as you curl up and descend into soft, pastel colored insanity