Pastebin 1

I don’t normally make pastebins but this is something I feel I need to say.
I’m very demotivated with my life currently. I’d been getting a lot better regarding depression since talking to a lot of people in discord/TS etc., but lately its been hitting me a lot harder than usual and I’m struggling with a lot.
First off, I feel like a complete and utter disappointment to everyone I know. A lot of people used to say I’m a really great person and that puts pressure on me to act unlike my personality and if I can’t match that then I feel like I don’t deserve to be around anyone. I always feel like I never am able to live up to people’s expectations hence disappointment. This extends to me IRL too with choking in exams and in social situations too, which has had a huge effect on my ability to talk to people and makes me very anxious regarding most things. I have no idea what to say to people at all which leads to people nowadays having a more negative opinion of me. Another thing is that people try too much ‘banter’ with me at times leading to me feeling like they are truly serious about what they say, making me hate myself more.
I’ve felt that my depression got a lot worse when I turned 16 because all my friends started trying to avoid me making me feel lonely. I never really had anyone to talk to about my depression after my closest friend ditched me and I never really recovered. I just ended up feeling a lot more sad and alone. Even now I always feel like people try to avoid me, it may be untrue and just a mental problem but I can’t escape feeling that.
Speedrunning managed to help me a huge amount. It gave me motivation because I felt proud of accomplishing improvements and getting recognition for doing well, making me feel better about myself. But even now I feel that motivation has gone and I’ve gone back to how I was before. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself at all. Normally I would try to lose myself in an rpg right about now but I can’t even focus on anything at all. I can’t seem to distract myself from what’s on my mind.
I don’t really know what to do now, I sought out help regarding my mental state a while ago but it didn’t really help. I might be in discord less if I’m feeling uncomfortable, but idk. I probably sound like a whiny piece of shit for this, but I wanted people to know and hopefully understand because its been on my mind a lot.
Jel