Thread 78: Stories 46-60

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NC
[Talking about the Griffonstone episode in Season 5.]

>Gwen
"Idris"

>...Uh...Dear?

"Yes...is something the matter?"

>Do you have this...sudden sinking feeling that everything you know is but a lie?

"Mostly on Tuesdays but...it seems...definite now...

>...We aren't meant to exist...

"...Everything we know of your kingdom is a lie....

>And I really want to scrounge for bits for some reason...

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>Scientist 1
"Scientist 2"
~~~~

>Hey Mitch?... Mitchmatch?

"Yep?"

>You ever, uh... you ever think that something's off about this place?

"Is it the changeling thing?"

>It's the changeling thing. Is this all... leegal?

"For how much they're paying us, does it fucking matter?"

>Well, yes.

"..."

>...I uh... I'm not getting disappeared, am I?

"I hope not, you're my last roller on the bowling team."

>Do these 'team building exercises' seem weird to you?

"DON'T YOU FUCK THIS UP FOR ME!"

>Fine! Fine! Sorry.

"..."

>...Isn't Screwloose a mental pateint-

"SHUT UP!"

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NC
>SA
"Cadence"
~~~~

"How'd the trip go, honey? Did we get a new trade partner?"

>No, but I did lose my wallet and somehow end up with a fish. Oh, and was propositioned by SEVERAL griffons who would 'show me who the real princess of love is'.

"Oh... you turned them down, right?"

>... obviously.

"Oh, good, you trying to sleep with a gryphon is a dealbreaker."

>WAIT WHAT!?

"Tell me I'm wrong."

>...well still...

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NC
>Celestia
"Applejack'
~~~~

"Hey, Tia? Got a question."

>Go for it before I think too hard about you asking me anything.

"Why ain't we workin' with the gryphonstone folk? They ain't that far."

>....

~~~~~~

>Hello, Gryphons of Gryphonstone! I am Princess Celestia, here to... oh dear, it seems my horsehoes are gone. Has anyone seen them? They're gold and... uh, soldiers? You're to remain in armor the whole time- OH DEAR ME WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CARRIAGE!? How is it up on CINDER BLOCKS!? HOW!? IT DOESN'T- I WAS JUST LOOKING AT... GIVE ME BACK MY NECKLACE OR I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND!

~~~~~~~

>...No reason.

~~~~~~~

>If you think that's bad, you should have seen what happened to the emissary I sent a decade ago.

"What happened ta' her?"

>She came back on wheels.

"That don't sound so ba-"

>Instead of legs.

"Oh. Uh... ouch."

>Not so much, the rock to the head damped that whole ouch thing.

"..."

>Don't fucking go there at night.

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>Vekir goes down to their place
>Five minutes later

"ROBBED! BAMBOOZLED! EVERYTHING GONE! JUST GONE! HOOOOWWWW!?"

"...No, that's a good question, how'd that little robot thing manage to steal out whole houses?"

"HOOOOWWW!?!"

>DO NOT MESS WITH BEST, CATBIRDS!

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>42
"Twilight"
'7'
~~~

>Alright team! The aim of the mission is stealth, STEALTH, as in, not making a ruckus. We are to get in there, secure the hostage-

"HostageS, plural."

>...Secure the hostageS, both of them, and then we are to find a means of escape and hopefully rendezvous with the others and then leave without them knowing we are here until it is too late. However, if you come across any vital information regarding changelings, destroy it.

"Unless it's something I don't know, in which case try to make a copy first."

>...Unless it's something she doesn't know, in which case try to make a copy first. Now! This is a heavily guarded, fortified area filled with weapons testing and dangerous individuals, as such, if you come across a situation where you are compromised, try to keep the casualties at-

"ZERO! TRY TO KEEP THEM AT ZERO!"

>...

"...None."

>Really?

"Zippo. Make them zilch."

>...Unless there is a situation where-

"Where you can't get out, in which case signal us, we WILL blast in, and keep casualties at ZERO."

>... I feel like my authority is being undermined here.

"No no, you're still totally in charge."

>...

"...zero."

>...Any questions?

'So, just to recap-'

"ZEEEERROOOOOOOOOO!"

'...'

>...sigh... what she said.

'...'

>I will beat the internal smirk out of you, solider.

'Dying on the inside, commander.'

>Good job.

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>Luna
"Zecora"
~~~~~~~

>Excuse me, potion maker! Hath thou seen our shining stone? It was here just a second ago, and now it has gone missing.

"I'm afraid your stone I have not seen. In every crevice have you looked between?"

>Of course we have.

"..."

>...

"...To me, you continue to look. I do not like being read like a book."

>Oh no no! No! Noooo! We are not like that, we do not think thee as a Gryphonstone Gryphon! We do not buy into the stereotypes.

"STEREOTYPES!?"

>N-no! No it's just a stereotype that we do not believe! We think the wires got crossed at some point and the zig- WE MEAN the zebra thing overlapped! We do not think thee lives in a hut!

"..."

>...Thou DOES, but that doesn't mean that... er... t-that...

"..."

>...A-hem! OH MY! WE HAVE FORGOTTEN AN IMPORTANT LESSON WE ARE TEACHING TWENTY NINE! THANK THEE FOR YOUR HELP, ENCHANTRESS- WE MEAN ZECORA! AWAY WITH US!

FLEES!

"...Did she really just call me an enchantress? I swear, someday I'm going to roll her like a mattress... AND YOU WERE SITTING ON YOUR SHINING STONE, YOU TWIT! COME BACK AND PICK IT UP YOU PIECE OF S-'

ZOOM!

>THANKTHEEBYE!

ZOOM!

"...Racist."

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OoCO (Out of Canonical Order)
>Rarity
"Applejack"
~~~~
>Oh my.

"What is it?"

>I'm reading the tabloid section of the newspaper and there's quite a bit of unflattering things being said about you.

"...like what?"

>Bold new plan to get open new jobs by Princess Apple "digger for every chigger" jack.

"WHAT!?!"

>It's the tabloids. Everypony knows it's not true, but they can be an amusing read sometimes.

"This ain't funny at all. Why would-"

>There's more. A strong stance against helping changelings keeps tax payer money away from the freeloaders thanks to Apple "Chitlins ain't getting mittens" jack as they head off into the cold North.

AJ rubs her forehead.
"...ahhhh. Ah really wish Ah could have given them a proper send off with good earth pony hospitality."

>Cheers in Canterlot for Apple "Put the lings in a sling" jack for putting Queen Chrysalis in her place. Apple "Hang every Changalang" jack's hate for changelings knows no bounds.

"Ah get it. Thank you. Stop reading the tabloids."

>...a few of those nicknames were a little clever.

AJ shoots her a glare.

>Hm well, perhaps you should take steps to patch relations with them.

Closes the newspaper.

"...Ah'm curious. What's it say about-"

>Quote from Shining Armor, "Our country is all about love, and one thing I love is my harem!

"...That don't sound like-"

>It says it's paraphrased.

"..."

>It's also got some badly cropped images of him in some amazing positions.

"...go on..."

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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Celestia'
~~~~~

>...It is weirdly quiet around here.

"Not in the mood for happy party time."

'Oh really? Shiny! Proposition her with sex!'

>What!?

'I didn't say DO it, just proposition it so that she snaps out of the funk.'

>Won't she go back into the funk immediately after that.

'Hrm, point, unless you actually got into the funk she's not getting out of it.'

>...Ew.

'Yeah, that sounded weird, and I apologize. The only funk you should be getting into is your wife's.'

>Stop putting it like that.

'Funk... fuuuuunk... funk.'

>...

'...Crap, she's actually in a bad mood.'

>It'll be alright, Chrysalis.

"..."

'...You can punch her.'

>WHAT!?

'Totally serious, he comes back missing skin or something? Go for it. One free punch, have at it. Won't even look that way.'

"...Thanks."

'Anytime.'

>Whoa now, I have serious reservations about this-

'You can take her place if you want.'

>...Just don't go for the face.

"No promises.

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>Pinkie
"Gilda"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but I'm going to talk about the griffons! Now for our main guest...GILDA!!!

"Oh it's you again."

>Do you make griffon scones?

"Do I? It's my speciality. I go off a secret recipe from my gramp-"

>Your scones could use a little something to make it more special!

"and what's that? Frieeeendship?"

>Oh no, not that. Use my baking powder. Pinkie's Baking Powder make baked goods magically delicious and bring friends to your table!

"...are you doing a commercial during our interview?"

>N-no...share a finish scone with a griffon and make a friend!
Gilda wakes up with a jar of Pinkie's Baking Powder next to her.

"...hm...friends."

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>Daw
"SS"

>Well this sucks.

"Stop following me."

>Aw come on, how'm I supposed to get in the Gun Club if I spend all my time away from the Gun Club?

"You'd actually be surprised..."

>Huh?

"Nothing."

>Wanna play poker?

"No."

>Bollocks.

"Go. Away."

>Fer fuck's sake, lass-

"Not supposed to say that."

>...Silver Spoon, aye? Alright, look, I want to make some friends and you honestly seem like a good sort, I know Lil Miss Explodey ain't lookin' too kind at me, but that don't mean we can't have some ice cream and talk like adults, can it?

"..."

>Can it?

"...I like strawberry."

>There we go, onward ta town!

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>Twilight
"DT"
~~~

"Seriously!? I have to hang back!? ME!?"

>We all do, except for the ones slipping in. Hopefully, you won't be needed at all.

"...Hopefully and me not being needed... are you even allowed to use those in the same sentence? I'm pretty sure that's illegal, I have half a mind to arrest you."

>Pfft... well, while we wait, you want me to help out with your weapon?

"PFFT! Boat sailed on that one Twilight, He's prime, prim and in the best shape of his life! I've even gotten his propulsion jets to last a full ten minutes instead of seven!"

>...Just ten?

"W-what do you mean, just ten!? Are you saying he's quick!?"

>Well, yeah. I mean, maybe for his size that's impressive, but-

"AND JUST WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?"

>Well, he is trying to keep up with you, and you are a bit heavier than normal-

"H-H-HEAVY!? DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT!?"

>No no, I'm just saying that, sure, his jets are impressive... for you, but as you get bigger you're going to need bigger needs.

"...Like... like what?"

>Oh, DT... I have so many toys to show you...

"Can... can you really give him some new... tricks?"

>DT, DT DT DT, I know so many things we can do with him you won't recognize him when you're done.

"...Well, I did promise Spike I'd spent some time with you..."

>Atta girl.

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>Batmom
“Nightguards”
~~~~

>Nightwatch report?

“Nada.”

>Nada’s good. Nada’s great.

“Ain’t it just? Might name my firstborn Nada.”

“Pft, yeah, first name Nada, last name Nothing.”

“Nada Nothing. Perfect name if ever I heard one. Give that guy a raise, Glims.”

>Sure. Eh, you, you get to raise the flag for the next seven nights.

“Hells yeah.”

“Lucky bastard….”

>Hmmm--oh! Before I forget to make mention, there’s, uh… there’s a changeling that wants to join our ranks.

Where Glimmer expected something akin to the screeching of… of wings against the air, or something, she was left with a slight feeling of anticlimax when not a soul in the room seemed to miss a beat in what they were doing. Not even the rookie.

Newspaper pages turned. The ping-pong ball continued to be batted back and forth. Paint brushes ran easily over a blank canvass. Yoga positions freeflowed.

Until finally, almost a full minute later, a response.

“Huh. You don’t say.”

“Most interesting news I’ve heard all day. Aside from hearing that Dead Shade’s mother is recovering from her triple bypass just fine.”

“Oh yeah, give your ma my greetings, Shade.”

“Mine too, man.”

“You can give her ME if you want. I always thought your mom was hotter than Tartarus.”

“Thanks, you guys. And Freighter? Fuck you, buddy.”

“You’ll be callin’ me daddy one day, bet on it.”

“Back on subject, a changeling… wanting to join the night guard. Is the source on this legit, Glims?”

>I’m the source, so yeah, legit. Thoughts?

“Thoughts? Sure. That changeling obviously has us confused with the solar guard, that’s my thought.”

“Seriously. No one ever wants to willingly join us.”

“To be fair, no one CAN willingly join us. We don’t just let any old schmuck join like they do. Our captain hoofpicks each and every one of us. In actuality, there’s a metric fuckton that want to join us. They just can’t."

“…”

“Sooooo anyway, which changeling is this? One of the high-profile ones?”

>Negative. He’s a youngling by the number Fifty-Six. Everyone here has gone over the comprehensive list of thus far identified changelings our captain provided, yes?

“Cover to cover, Glims.”

>Good, then you know the background on this one.

“Booty-obsessed. Energetic. Built like a tank. Borderline schizo. Deathly loyal to his Queen in a mother-son outset, rogue in all other areas.”

“Wait, hold up. So the note did say booty-obsessed and I wasn’t just seeing things?”

“Nope. Booty-obsessed.”

“Well, shit. Sounds like a comrade in the making.”

>Comrade or no, I know the little guy on a personal level and perversion aside, he seems like an unstable basket case. But, as we’re all aware, what we know doesn’t account for jack shit against orders. And our captain wants us to keep tabs on this… potential recruit.

“So. Same old, same old?”

>Same old, same old.

A hoof hit the air.

“…I’m noticing no one here seems to blanch at the fact that a changeling wants to join our ranks. Just a reminder, I’m still new but… that’s not a cause for alarm?”

The reaction Glimmer was denied the first time finally came as every guard in the room turned to the rookie.

“…Uh….”

One of the guards set down his partially completed rubix cube with a small smirk.

“Okay, so Glims gave you a rundown a little while ago. Allow me to give another. Species don’t really matter to us. So long as you got a passion to protect our princess of the night then our captain gives consideration, rookie. Pony, griffon, changeling, diamond dog, whatever--when you put on this armor? One of us. Simple as that.”

“Oh…”

“I mean, take Glims kid. We may fuck around and crack jokes, but let someone not in our family do it. Nightmares will be the least of their problems.”

>Aww.

“Shaddup, One-Time.”

“So in conclusion, we just watch the changeling kid, right?”

>Watch him, interact with him, trip him up, whatever. Watch and build up a consensus. Just don’t give away that you’re part of the guard.

“Ohohoho, can do.”

“Good times ahead.”

>I’m so sure. Dismissed.

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>Look at them. Low down, creepy, mind raping, love draining, fucking ugly little-

"Here's my baby!

>sweetest cutest little puffy cheeked thiiiiiing! EEEEE!

'Ugh, you slept with a changeling?'

>Got a problem with that? Because we all have spears.

'...Nope.'

>Good call.

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>Frat Pony
"Frat Pony 2"
'???'
~~~~

>Hey, hey dude, dude, DUUUUUDDE!

"What, bro?"

>I'm totally gonna huck this tomato.

"Oh, uh... cool? At what?'

>...Fuckin' changeling man.

"No fuckin' way!"

>Totally gonna do it! TOTALLY gonna do it! Gonna huck it, bro. Huck it like you won't believe.

"Dude, you might hit the baby."

>Dude, extra points if I hit the baby. I want doubles.

"Dude..."

>Dubs, man, gonna get 'em. Oh shit there he is!

"Dunno about this dude."

>Check this, one, two-

"WHA-"

To the changeling pushing his stroller down the sidewalk, there was only that sounds. That "WHA" followed by a strange wind. Instinctively, he brought the cover over the stroller so his daughter would not feel cold, but with that done he looked to where he heard the sound... and saw nothing at all. Not a single soul over there to be seen.

He looked left and right, any sign at all, but nothing.

'Huh... that was- how do you keep getting those!?'

The baby in the stroller giggled around the sucker in her mouth, playfully swatting at his hooves as he reaches for it.

'I don't care if you don't have teeth yet, you're going to rot them before they even get there!'

Unseen to him, eyes rolled as he began to nag his baby, the little thing just giggling away the whole time. Without a sound, the figure loaded both ponies onto his back, one of them sporting a new red splattered look on his face, and took his leave.

'Where do you get these from!?'

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