grandpa

Grandpa,
They say you'd be furious
	to see the way you treated your wife
when Alzheimer's had eaten away enough
	of your mind that you couldn't always recognize her.

The medication that controlled one disease,
	bipolar disorder,
was lithium - an alkali metal found in industrial settings
	with caution signs depicting it dissolving skin -
accelerating the development of holes and lesions,
	but it was better than the alternative.

They were messing with your medicine
	against your wishes - coupled with the alcohol,
it was bad news for your liver
	but you knew what would happen if you went off-kilter.
And when you did, you tried to engineer an explosion
	to end the burden of feeling like one
after crashing your scooter didn't work.
	You burned the house down.

If there is a Heaven,
	as you believe,
I'm sure you're up there and already know
	those were both options I'd considered
before I even heard our family's
	dirty secrets -
Of which much of my life is considered
	to be one.

Just understand that I get it,
	you survived those attempts, but I wonder
if there were others still hidden from me.
	I wonder if people would be better off
if I'd succeeded -
	can say for sure it'd be easier for them.

The human brain is so damn complex,
	if expectant mothers insist on drinking
it should be gold flake
	cuz that baby probably needs it.

A chalky metal was the only thing
	bringing your head in line
Doubled with alzheimer's,
	it cut your time in half.

That's a quarter of the mind I inherited -
	an IQ that's scary with a pilot less stable
than a plane in a tailspin.

Opened all these doors,
	but it's closed so many more
Maybe I need to remember you
	by what you've done and not
what's in store.

Grandpa,
They say you were a great man,
	and I know it to be true.
As an agnostic theist we wouldn't agree,
	but your missionary work brought people community
and I respect that.

As a doctor,
	you changed the lives of so many people
suffering like you were
	they pulled you out of retirement
over and over again.

I'd like to say
	I did the same while cargiving,
but truthfully,
	I think they did more for me, than me them.

I had a resident who reminded me of you,
	who might've been me in the future.
He had your same droopy eyebrows,
	and the same shakey grin
Smiled to show that he cared,
	not necessarily that he understood
but he got so angry
	when I couldn't open doors for him.

Grandpa,
I'm opening doors again.