How to Work on your Cardio. A Guide by Totally-Not-A-Lilim

Aug 7th, 2015
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  1. >How to Work on Cardio. A Guide by Totally-Not-A-Lilim
  3. >So, you want that need for speed? Getting sick and tired of running half a block before losing your breath and being pounced on by some Mamono in a white van selling you some bottled water? Tired of tripping and falling on absolutely nothing and beging dragged off into some dirty alley and not a nice and soft bed like mi- like some Mamono's?
  4. >Well look no further, chum! Because this seven step guide will turn you into a track start that no Mamono will ever be able to keep track of you!
  5. >By the end of this seven step program, Mamono, and humans, will be jealous of your speed!
  6. >Low stamina Anon's whose pelvises are weighed down by Ushi Oni's will want to be you! Mamono who think they're the fastest will envy you!
  7. >But enough of this salesman chatter. You don't care about that, you just want that need for speed! So let's begin!
  9. >Now, first thing's first is you have to do your stretches. You cannot do anything in this guide if your joints aren't "lubes up" so to speak. Do some basic arms and leg stretched, make sure you muscles are all relaxed and prepared, because soon those legs will make even the multi-legged arachne jealous
  10. >Make sure your whole body is nible and relaxed. we don't need any knots. or pains that'll hinder the process now. I-If you want, you could go to a massage parlour, or the address that may or may not be at the end of this book.
  11. >I-It's not mine though! I mean, who would put their address in a book for others to read and come to their house and maybe or maybe not do some cuddl-
  14. >S-Step One: Acquire a Lilim friend.
  15. >Wai- now hold on! Don't you close that book now and toss it into the trash. This is super serious. I am super serious
  16. >Many people don't know this, but Lilim's are, in fact, a reliable and trustworthy group of Mamono. sure, there's a bit.... But there's super trustworthy! Acquiring a Lilim best friend will not only give you the compani-friend of a lifetime, but will also improve your stamina
  17. >Non sexually, of course. I mean, this is for cardio, not, well...
  20. >S-Step Two! Blue-ovarie this Lilim.
  21. >We're not talking about brushing off their hand on your thigh. We're talking dense harem protagonist. Really get into it. ignore all their advances. Assure them that the two of you are friends and only friends.
  22. >Yes, you must put them in that dark and twisted friend zone. But it's for the greater good. Though, you know, some of them are into that sort of thing...
  23. >Not all thought, but some. I mean, if I were a Lilim, which I'm not, I may or may not be into this sort of thing
  24. >K-Keep in mind, the more you blue-ovary this Lilim, the more, what's the word, beastial they'll be. Not that I know from experience! But, well, I didn't know dildo's can break
  27. >Step Three: Wait until a Full moon.
  28. >By now this Lilim is just shivering in her own fluids, trying to combat her urges. But now, it's a full moon! No amount of will can combat against that bright, semen coloured globe in the sky!
  29. >Why did I use this metaphor? Because that's what they would be thinking at the time. But you already knew this, ofcourse
  30. >A fair warning to those in advance: If you are roomates, this next step will not work
  33. >Step Four: Call them.
  34. >Now here's where things get tricky. You must call this Lilim on a Full Moon. Impossible, right? They're already at your door clawing off the paint and asking to be let in. But there's where you're wrong! You have implemented the seed, the other seed, the metaphorical seed, of your friendship into her brain! She'll have to fight her growing urge and her fingers which are exploring her insides and not break down your door and rape you so hard the neighbourhood thinks it's an earthquake. So while she's knuckles deep and panties drenched, you call her.
  35. >But before you call her, make sure you're not at home. Why? Well
  38. >Step Five: Invite her to your house
  39. >S-Seriously, don't toss this into the garbage. I've put a lot into this book and the Tanuki who runs the publishing company is kind of a bitch. Just, keep reading. Please?
  40. >P-Plus this is a good guide! And good advise!
  41. >Now here's where you must be extra careful. By now you are nowhere near your home. You may be at a friends house or your parents house, or, hell, somewhere in the streets. How you haven't been raped into a pulp I'll never know, but here you are.
  42. >Call her on your cell phone, or even a pay phone, and invite her to your home. By now she's practically shaking in excitement and the minute you finish your sentence she's already 3/4th of the way to your house. This is not sarcasm, this is scientific fact. 3/4th's. Exactly.
  43. >At this point, after the phone line goes dead, or you hear her heavy sexual infused breathing, you should be nowhere near your home. At all.
  46. >Step Six. Fucking Haul Ass
  47. >This is no joke. This is no drill. There is no sarcasm in this. By time you've begun your slow jog that'll eventually turn into a sprint and then into a "fucking haul ass" run, she'll be at your home, frantically looking around for you, sniffing your laundry, taking a very long break with your laundry, and then eventually picking up your scent
  48. >You must run.
  49. >Well, I mean, it'd be nice if you stayed still. Maybe take off your clothes and just-
  50. >B-but that's besides the point, b-because this is training for cardio! So you must run as fast as you can. Eventually, since you have non-existent cardio, you will trip and fall, or she will find you before you even lose your breath
  51. >Good god will she ever find you
  52. >And you'll be raped until the sun begins to peak over the horizon
  53. >But, that's the point! W-Wait, no, hold on, don't toss it away! Please, j-just listen! There's a point to all this! A point!
  55. >Ahem. Eventually, due to your constant blue-ovarieing and tossing her into the friendzone, she will develop a morbid fetish for this. Or not. It purely depends on the Lilim really
  56. >Though, I may know a Lilim who may have this sort of fetish. T-Totally not me though, because I'm not a Lilim! I mean, that's just-
  59. >S-Step Seven: Rinse and Repeat
  60. >By now you are in your bed, you pelvis covered in an assortment of fluids and a Lilim tied to your arm as if her life depended on it, a smile of content as she dreams happy dreams
  61. >And by dreams I mean replaying that entire night on loop. Your hand will be near her crotch so you'll feel the knowledge
  62. >But, as you lay there, you realise something. you made it farther than you usually did! why? Was it the fear of the fact that you were being chased down by a one moth sexually denied demon? Was it the fact that you actually made it near the border and wanted to commit? Was it the fact that your scent was accidentally whiffed by other Mamono and they were chasing you down as well?
  63. >Personally, you don't know
  64. >But what you do know is that your stamina has somewhat improved! When you go on a short jog three days after the full moon, you realise that jogging isn't much of a chore any-more!
  65. >Thus, rinse and repeat
  66. >Blue-ovarie her again, toss her into the friendzone, be the dense harem protagonist that doesn't understand what happened that night and why your pelvis hurts or why she's naked and why you're covered in fluids. Do it again!
  67. >Keep in mind, during this process it would be better if you don't fap as much. F-For you cardio
  68. >But, the more you do this process, the more you'll begin to improve! From you lasting a minute in full sprint before she catches you, it'll turn to a minute and a half. two minutes! Three minutes! Eventually even a hour! Two hours! Five hours!
  69. >You'll be the track star king! You'll be able to run cross country while being chased by a Lilim and still be able to satisfy her. N-Not that that's the point or anything. T-This is for cardio stamina, n-not sexual stamina, of course...
  70. >Though, it does help in that department. S-so I hear. I mean, I'm 100% certain since this does work!
  71. >I mean, why would they publish a guide that doesn't work? It totally does!
  73. >In conclusion, this process will give you the best cardio in the land! If you follow this seven step process monthly, I assure you, by the end of the year you'll be an Olympian! A god amongst men!
  74. >Men will envy you!
  75. >Mamono would want to bear your children! A-and humans! Human woman too! C-Can't forget them...
  76. >Follow this seven step program today!
  78. >Warning:Thisauthorisnotresponsibleforanyaccidentsthatmayhappenifyoucommittothisproject.
  79. >Thisauthorisalsolookingforananonthatmayormaynotexperimentwiththissevenstepprogram.
  80. >Notthatitdoesn'tworkoranything,becauseittotallydoes.
  81. >Pleasebuymybook
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