To Meat or Not to Meat

I love eating meat, sorry not sorry, but I would also love being vegan, because I love how much it annoys certain republicans. This is the same line of thought that led me to tricking a lot of people into thinking I was gay just so I could win an argument about human rights. Nobody believed me the time I told everyone I was half black, though, even though I argued that it was a horizontal divide type situation. My meathead brother used to always say that, “I’m black from the waste down, huh huh huh.” Which just meant his dick’s vote wouldn’t count if he lived in Florida. I know that’s a reference to an election from 15 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then; I was in fifth grade. If I was a comedian in fifth grade, all of my jokes would have been about sega genesis and masturbating. I would have been an early Dane Cook prototype, at best. So yeah, I eat meat.

Sometimes, when I want to feel good about my choices in life, I search online for pro-meat news articles and blog posts. I just have a lot of herbivore friends and they make me feel callous for eating meat. They also make me feel bored. Unfortunately most pro-meat articles and blog posts are on right wing extremist sites...but I take what I can get.