#1 - Hello neighbor, sorry to bother you but can I borrow a frothy warm cup of piss
Hey I'm going to elaborate on my method for substituting piss, because I'm in class on adderall and I like typing big walls of text about stuff in this state.

Preparation:
1.) Get your sober buddy to piss into a clean container of some sort
2.) Open and unroll a few non-lubricated latex condoms
3.) Put ~2 fluid oz (1/4 cup) of the piss into each rubber, get most of the air out and tie them off.
4.) Store them indefinitely in the freezer

Test Day:
Preparation: Thaw one of your FREEDOM CONDOMS under hot water and tape it securely behind your nuts with medical tape. I recommend giving your pubes a trim if this is going to be a regular thing or wow are you going to have some fun taking that tape off. This ensures that it's the right temperature and that you can manipulate it discretely while pretending to piss. Get a big safety pin (one of the big ones I mean, to make a nice big hole), and attach it to your underwear in the front near the hatch. Now, the fun part (practice this if there is any chance at all that you will not be alone in the bathroom).
1.) You need to take off the safety pin and, holding the condom upwards such that the air bubble is at the top, poke a hole near the tip and stretch the hold a bit while the needle is in it. Proceed to wring out all that sweet, delicious freedom juice into the cup. If you're being observed, do this at the same time as step 2:
2.) Take a good, long piss into the toilet, interrupting yourself for a few seconds halfway as you would if you stopped yourself to take the urine sample. This is both to deceive your observer and to conceal any sound that you might make fucking with the condom.
3.) Consider if continuing to smoke during probation is worth it because you're free but now your buddy's piss is dribbling down your leg. Who really gets the last laugh here?