Homeless Anon Ch3

>They lead you back down the hall to your cell and leave you there.
>It was daytime schedule so the cells were open.
>Your cell mate was gone, so you flop down on the bed again.
>Half your limbs hang off of it, being a prisoner they didn’t really care about your comfort.
>You pick the book back up, open it, and stare at the page for a few moments not actually reading.
“Iron… iron…”
>Just beyond the edge of the book you spy the little ventilation grate.
>You can’t help but smile, time to get out of here.
>With a quick twist you roll off the bed and toss the book down.
>A rather conspicuous and loud screeching grabs the attention of the other prisoners as you move the bed under the grate.
>The crowd begins to gather around your cell, no guards yet, prisoners only.
>You spring on top of the bed and reach for the grate, upon contact it turns to water.
>A cake falls out of the hole and lands square on your face.
“What did I expect?”
>The small crowd laughs and chortles as you reach up to wipe away the cake.
>However your hands close around a small putty like brick wrapped in tight paper.
>You pull the brick away and look at the label.
*Careful, don’t want a cavity now*
“Shiv, who’s got shiv.”
>The surrounding prisoners give you a funny look.
“Really?”
>You slam the brick into your incisor and move the new hole under your nose.
>Almonds.
“Discord this is some plastic paddy shit right here.”
>a quick pat down of the rest of the cake reveals the detonator.
>It’s one of the old chemical pencil style detonators.

>You leap off the bed and pull the adhesive strip off the back and slam it against the wall.
>Taking a quick peak behind you confirms your suspicions, the rest of the pony prisoners are closing in around you.
>Not hostile, just curious.
“Ya’ll might want to step back… further… just go around the corner.”
>The plastic explosive gives way before the detonator, you have just the song for this.
“My da he’s up in long kesh, to me it’s just not right, I say a special prayer for him as I go to bed each night”
>You continue singing as you search for the Daring book.
“Today it was his birthday I sent him in a cake with semtex in the candles.”
>You smash the binding of the book against the chemical vial.
“He’ll be out before I wake!”
>The fuse said ten seconds, but knowing Disco it’s probably more like three.
>With a thud you join the other prisoners standing behind the walls.
“Drop yer jaws and cover yer ears! The winds are singing freedom!”
>You follow your own advice as you mentally count down the fuse, next to sits you cell mate.
>He’s following your example, sitting on his him legs and dropping his jaw.
*Thwoom!*
>None of the prisoners wait for the dust to settle, already starting to pour out the hole.
>Your cell is on the third story so most of the earth ponies have to rely on the unicorns or pegasi.
>Not wasting any time you grab your cell mate and pick him up off the ground and shake him slightly.
“Spread your wings buddy, it’s time!”
>The small Pegasus nods frantically as the alarm goes off.
>You hold him high as you leap out the newly formed door.
>Oh, it’s bright out.
>With clipped wings and a heavy human your cellmate doesn’t do so well.
>The fall is much faster than you would have liked, but not enough to break anything.
>Landing however is pretty jarring.

>You recover pretty quickly as your cell mate worms his way out of your grip and take off into the surrounding woods.
“You could at least say thanks!”
>Ponies continue to exit through the blast hole and stream into the forest in front of you.
>No point in running, it’s not like the guard are out here alre-
>Dogs, you hear dogs.
>No, running is a sound idea.

>About a week ago you found a sign post pointing the way to Canterlot and started following that road.
>How have you stayed alive and fed?
>Same as always Anon, stealing shit from idiot midget horses.
>Hell, managed to make off with a whole cart of pottery.
>Which you promptly filled with water and other essentials foraged from the surrounding area.
>You have only entered Canterlot at night, instead residing on the mountain side outside the city… fortress… thing.
>You have a small fire, dug deep into the ground to prevent you from being seen.
>These binoculars are coming in real handy, to think all it cost you was a trash can through the window.
>For once in your life you’re actually going to plan and study a target.
>Because you’re going to take back your goddamn two stroke.

>Alright, you got this, tonight’s the night.
>While most ponies left their doors unlock on a consistent basis, government buildings were a different matter entirely.
>First there was a three story wall surrounding the whole goddamn palace.
>So through the gate house then.
>Not to fear, ingenuity and hick science is here.
>Also a bunch of stolen pipes n’ shit, ha, you stole stuff to steal other stuff.
>Taking a quick peak up and down the street confirms that it’s empty.
>You step out into the streets and begin to spray the aerosol into the rear chamber, as you aim the barrels.
>Alright good, you place the fuse and light, and run for the moat.
>You never really considered it, but maybe you should stop stealin’ at some point.
>Nah.
>With a thud you land on the embankment next to the gate house, making sure to keep low and avoid the exterior lanterns.
>This would be so much easier if Disco was here, but he’s been gone ever since the break out.
*Bo!-Thwump*
>There’s the aerosol cannon, and there’s the grapefruit ammunition smeared on the gate’s doors.
>”What was that?”
>”Somepony out there!?”
>Wait for it.
>”Hello?”
>”Dude just open the door.”
>The gate locks shift, great metal contraptions from what you can hear.
>Once the metallic clanking stops the gate opens slightly, enough to maybe stick an eye out.
>”Hello?”
>Wait for it.
>The door swings all the way open.
>”Hello? Anypony out there?”
>Now, with a sudden burst of energy you pull yourself onto the edge of the bridge.
>It takes a little effort but you manage to stay behind the open door.
>Once there you push off the railing of the moat, gain a foothold on the knocker and climb on top of the great wooden door.

>”No one’s here.”
>It’s a good thing these doors are so big, any thinner and you might not have been able to balance.
>”Egh, whatever, let the next shift deal with it.”
>The door begins to close as the guards resume their night shift chatter.
>Once in reach you grab onto the railing for the top of the gate house and pull yourself into a decorative ledge next to two stone alicorns around some sort of crest.
>”Did you hear that?”
>You push yourself further into the crevice in case the guards on top of the gatehouse look over.
>”I don’t hear anything.”
>”You gotta stop going to those concerts; it’s ruining your hearing.”
>Shift change should be any minute now.
>”What can I say, I like them.”
>There’s the sound of a hand bell being rung in the distance.
>You hear hoofsteps, moving away from you.
>”Finally.”
>”I should take-“
>Yeah, their conversation isn’t important.
>Slowly you begin to extract yourself from your hiding spot and grab onto the railing for a second time.
>If your observations are accurate you have about a minute before the next shift shows up.
>With a grunt you pull yourself over the ledge and calmly walk to the other side.
>As you know from experience ‘stealth running’ is a fast way to look like a drooling moron.
>Once on the other side you hop the railing, and take a quick peak down.
>A raised planter, perfect.
>You gently lower yourself as you hear more hoofsteps and idle conversation.
>Drop, land, nice and quiet.
>With that you gently make your way through the plants, keeping a close eye on the ground.
>All to do now is walk across the courtyard, once again, planning has paid off, you know that there’s only one team of guards patrolling the open area.
>You squat down in the bushes and wait for them to pass.

>This is suspiciously easy.
>Ponies were always bad at security, really bad, you publicly laughed when it was announced that Canterlot was infiltrated.
>They call themselves a military, you’re working hard not to laugh right now.
>Alright deep breath, lift the door and open.
>As suspect the staff entrance to the palace was completely unlocked.
>You begin your journey up the stairs and come out to a small service kitchen.
>It’s nearly empty save for a single maid preparing a small tray of food, horse food too.
>Goddamn, you can’t stomach the sight any more fucking hay.
>She walks over to a dumb waiter and pulls a lever, the whine of magic kicks up and it drops down.
>The maid promptly hangs her apron and takes her head piece off and leaves out the door.
>Once the door closes you step out, wonder what sort of goodies they eat here, you open the pantry and pull out the first jar.
>Fuck. Yes. Beef jerky, probably meant for other species.
>Wait, what the hell.
>Other species? This is just the building for the science team.
>You spy a directory pinned to the wall and saunter over, still cramming bits of dried meat into your mouth.
>There’s the directory, lets see, bubble #1 is…
*P. Celestia: Private study*
>Did you just break into the ‘that’ palace?
>Huh.
>This is just embarrassing, it literally was just a wall and some skimpy guard teams.
>You didn’t even have discord helping, what the shit guys.
>Looking back at the directory you run one finger down the list and continue eating the jerky with the other.
>There, found it, ‘Science Team Storage’ two floors down.
>But.
>Wait, two of the four princesses reside here… There’s a whole lot of shit that you simply can’t leave without.

>You cram the last mouthfuls of beef jerky into your face hole as you set the dial on the dumb waiter.
>Turns out learning their written language was a good idea.
>Moments before you climb in a small twinkle catches your eye, a small little personal sized bottle of bourbon.
“Nifty.”
>You take the bottle, pop the cap, and crawl into the dumbwaiter making sure to bring a couple of burlap sacks with you
>The wine of magic carries you up to your destination as you take little sips of bourbon.
>Gotta pace yourself it’s going to be a long night.
>The dumbwaiter moves quickly and comes to a gentle stop at your desired room.
>Slowly you slide the roll doors open and gently un-pretzel yourself from the dumbwaiter.
>Your eyes never leave the sleeping pony in the room; she’s laid in a huge bed and her mane won’t stop moving.
>As you begin to set your feet on the floor Celestia stirs and rolls over in the bed.
>You freeze in place and watch her roll about.
>Wait a moment; you try your hardest to focus your eyes in the dark.
>She’s wearing earplugs, really big ones too.
“Oh, sweet, you don’t mind if I stop by for a little bit?”
>You begin to load up the burlap sack with everything that appeals to your inner magpie.
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d just thank you for the fair and humane trial.”
>You place the sack of loot in the dumbwaiter and send it back to the service kitchen as you being to work on the second one.
“As you can see, the system works, I am now an esteemed guest to the royal crown. Completely reformed.”
>Something stops you, looking down you find yourself holding a framed photo.
>It’s a very young Twilight and Celestia, in childrens handwriting in the corner it reads:
*Thank you Princess Celestia, I will try my hardest.”
>There’s a moment of hesitation, then you place it back on the dresser.
“Not worth anything anyways.”

>Well you’ve taken everything of value that you can grab from this room.
>It’s time.
>One of the few things you didn’t take was the little pots of ink.
>Grabbing a brush from her desk you begin your work.
>Dicks.
>Just drawing dicks everywhere.
>You finish putting the cumslit on the big one covering the huge window.
“Look, isn’t it brilliant, I think I really captured the prick like nature of your people.”
>You toss the brush aside and begin to cram yourself into the dumb waiter again, already having spent too long here.
“It’s been fun but I gotta run, you make sure to keep in touch.”
>You lower the dumb waiter to the kitchen, drop off any new loot, and walk across to the other dumbwaiter.
>It’s Luna’s turn now.
>Crawl into the dumbwaiter; raise yourself up to the proper floor.
>Slowly lift the shutter, shit the lights are still on.
>You can hear a shower running however.
>Alright, speedy theft time.
>There’s a mannequin in the corner wearing all her royal accoutrements.
>Target 1 sighted.
>With little care for noise you run over and nab the crown and shoes.
>The neck thing is all one piece and seemingly painted in place.
>Seriously fuck magic.

>The shower stops, and you book it back to the dumbwaiter.
>With a great clatter you slam yourself into the tiny confined space.
>”Who’s there?!”
>You hit the exterior lever and call out in a thickly accented voice.
“Oh, don’t cha worry your head about it laddie, it ain’t but tha wind.”
>You slide the dumb waiter closed as the door bursts open.
>“Gaurds!”
>Well it was fun while it lasted, time to hit up the science team storage and high tail it.
>To where?
>Eh, cross that bridge when we come to it.
>The dumbwaiter moves down, take another sip.
>You pull the bottle from your prison jumpsuit and take a little more than a sip.
>The dumbwaiter stops, leap out and push over the bags of Celestias stuff.
>Speed is a top fucking priority right now.
>Aha! You grab the crown and royal jewelry and toss them in the bag with Luna’s.
*whi-bang*
>The sound of teleportation echoes above you.
>”Luna, we came as quickly as we could!”
>You hear a door open above you.
>”Someone drew phalluses across walls!”
>It’s an inevitability, this is too funny, a gut busting laugh surges forth.

>”There! Below us.”
>You hear a clatter of armored hoofs as the guards move to the stairs.
“Gypsy shit.”
>Back into the dumb waiter, set the dials hit the lever.
“Ya’ll gotta catch me first!”
>It’s oddly calm just listening to the whine of magic in the dark.
>It comes to a stop and you clamber out, only stumbling slightly.
>Hooray for basement levels, no matter where you are they always look the same.
>You throw the burlap ties over your shoulder and go to the floor map posted just a few steps down the hall.
>You jog that short stretch, ponies are undeniably faster in a straight line.
>Then again, four on the floor doesn’t lend itself to speed turning.
>The brain performs some quick numbers checks, you have maybe like six minutes before they get to this floor.
>There’s the door… and… it’s… locked. First locked door you’ve encountered this whole time.
“Fuck you to god.”
>You tear off a sleeve of your jumpsuit with your semi-drunken hobo power.
>Time to perform some high tech lock picking.
>Your cloth wrapped hand punches right through the thin glass view port.
“Ow, bitch. Fuck.”
>Blindly groping around for the lock is a good way to cut up your arm.
*click*
>Finally, drawing your arm back you take a moment to inspect it.
>Just some shallow, but painful cuts, nothing arterial.
>You begin to tie the ripped sleeve off around your arm as you walk in.
>There’s a large cell in one of the corners, a very familiar figure sits in it.
“Disco! Whatcha waiting around for buddy?”
>”Just waiting to be turned to stone as soon as they figure out a way.”
>You scan the rest of the room; it’s full of half-baked and partially finished inventions.
>Including the two stroke.

“C’mon man, were getting out of here.”
>”Can’t, it’s my punishment for helping you.”
>Looking back you see him wagging a ring on his paw.
>”Magic inhibiting and sized too small. I really should have told you to hold off on the escape.”
>He extends his hand to look at the ring, you can already hear hoofsteps coming through the broken door.
“So, if you didn’t have that you could warp out right?”
>”Correct.”
“And you would also get your magic back?”
>”Correct again.”
>Pick up the two stroke and a rather large piece of glass.
>Reaching in you pull his arm out through the bars and set it down on a nearby table.
>”Anon whatever you’re planning I can assure you that Cel-“
>You slam down the piece of glass on the ringed digit.
>He lets out a yelp of pain, that pitches from a tenor to a soprano as you bring the two stroke down on top of the bit of glass.
>Again.
>The digit comes off, you pick up the digit and remove the ring.
“Ah heh, here.”
>You hand him back his bit of paw and pocket the ring.
>He gives you a laconic and tired look before literally screwing his finger back in place and turning into a swarm of ants.
>The ants form together on the other side.
>”Well, that was a dreadful affair.”
“Yeah, well. How do we get out of here?”
>The hoof steps are getting really close now.
>”I would like to leave a small parting gift first, but I believe we shall leave by the most elegant system around.”
>On cue a rocket powered train smashes through the walls and comes to a halt.

“Jesus Christ… This fuckin awesome.”
>He grabs the table you were using and crumples it in his hands, transforming it into a jack-in-a-box.
>You begin climbing up the train’s ladder, as Discord turns the crank on it.
>It lets out a playful little melody, the guards round the corner spears raised.
>Time for another drink, it’s empty.
“Eat shit you-“
>As you throw the bottle Discord turns the handle a final crank, the top explodes off launching scorpions through the ranks of the guards.
>He slowly turns and climbs up into the train.
>”Let us leave this place and never return.”
“I assume this is the on button.”
>Behold, you are right.
>The train smashes through the walls and emerges from the ground, in the castle courtyard.
>As it moves forwards sections of track appear before it, as the ones behind it disappear.
>Within seconds the two of you are already out of sight of Canterlot and the palace.
>Without saying a word discord moves to the car behind the engine.
>After standing around for a few moments, confused by his sudden shift in demeanor, you decide to join him.
>His normal dry humor seemed lacking.
>The next and only car on the train was a bar/ dining car.
>Discord is sitting at the bar with a martini in front of him.
>You go behind the bar and make yourself a white Russian.
>He didn’t seem inclined to talk.
>So you stand across from him and begin sorting your haul.
>The engine, a bunch of really ornate jewelry, and of course, all the royal stuff.
>You reach under the counter and find a couple cartons of cigarettes, you tear one open and take out a pack.
>Tap, open, and offer discord one.
>He reaches for it, at the last minute you pull it back.
“Look, I can tell something’s eatin’ at ya. Ain’t good to keep it locked up.”

>He reaches again and you let him take one.
>You take one as well, and pull up an ashtray from behind the bar.
>Something was really eating at him, if he wasn’t using his magic for little things anymore.
“Look, I’m sorry they found out alright.”
>He hasn’t even light the damned cancer tube yet.
>With a grumble you grab a candle off the wall and light it for him, catching your own before you put it back.
>If he doesn’t want to talk then fine, you’re perfectly happy to simply drink and relax.
>This goes on for a while.
>”Teaching me friendship, what a crock.”
>You warily regard him for a few seconds.
>”First time I do something for nothing, what I would consider a true act of friendship.”
>You take another sip as he talks, this is important. Let him say his piece.
>”Did you know they’ve been tracking me this whole time? I didn’t.”
>”In the last week I’ve burnt every bridge I’ve made in the past year or so.”
>He sighs and goes quiet.
>The train starts to slow down quickly, taking you off your feet and sending the drinks flying across the room.
>”That must be our stop.”
>You scrabble up to your feet and look out the window, some scattered streetlights but not really much of anything.
“Where is ‘our stop’?”
>”A small little costal village as far away from Canterlot as this continent will allow.”
>The two of you step down from the train, which had parked itself in the middle of the main street.
>It’s should only be about six AM or so but the sun suddenly just appears in the middle of the sky.
“Oh man, she must be pissed.”
>”Pray tell, what else did you do?”
“I drew dicks all over her room.”
>Disco lets out a little smile, good to see him happy.
>”Well, what do we do now?”
“I hear the Griffons have some nice shiny stuff.”
>He looks down at you for a moment considering the options.
>”You go ahead, there’s some stuff here I want to do.”
“Flutters?”
>He chuckles and looks down.
“You don’t get caught again now.”
>”No promises.”
>You put out your hand, he takes it.
>With that you begin your walk towards the docks to find a ship to stow away on.
“You better visit me!”
>He gives a thumbs up before teleporting out and removing the train.