r/BikiniBottomTwitter Copypasta

Okay, like for real though, can we talk a moment about Mr Krabs? He's literally the hottest fictional character of all time. Whereas wealthy people in movies just have money, Mr Krabs actually demonstrates his ability to run a buisness. he's always thinking up new ways to make profit and minimize waste. Like, come on, does a wealthy man with a brilliant mind not make you drip? Well, I'll answer for you. It makes you rain.
Onto point 2. Okay, so you know that one episode where Mr Krabs molts and becomes naked? He demonstrates healthy behaviour from his species, indicating that he is a healthy specimen for mating with. When I see him molt I have an erection.
Point 3, he is a single father. Okay, you know when you see people trying their hardest for their loved ones, and they endure hardship for them? That's literally the embodiment of this man. He spends all of his time working on his home, boat, and business all just to provide for his daughter, Pearl, a sperm whale. When he says "anything for you pearl" and he overcomes his greed to provide, I just want him to provide his daddy crabby sperm for me.
Point 4, he acts like a father to his employee (Spongebob). Like, as if being a single father wasn't hard enough, this magnificent man tries to be a father figure for the childlike sponge. He has no need to, but scolds Spongebob and commends him, showing the proper way to do things. If that doesn't make you scream "OH DADDY" then I don't know what will.
Point 5, his voice actor looks like Colonel Sanders, but like, the really hot daddy version. So, if you ever meet Eugene Krabs in real life, you'll have hot fried chicken daddy fun. Literally the best thing about Krabs.
Point 6, refer to OP's meme, and look at that body! A big bodacious booty, a great sense of fashion, cute little harry potter scar nose, GORGEOUS eyebrows, the red complexion that reminds even the most capitalist of the benefits of communism, the nicest bear shape body you've ever seen, and his tiny heavily-used-crayon-tip looking feet. Don't you feel like you could paint a picture that would put Da Vinci to shame with those magnificent red crayons? Exactly! Submit to daddy krabby!
Point 7, in episode 50a of season 3, wet painters, we get to see the decor that Eugene has in his house. Yeah, I lost it to when I saw those knick-knacks 😩. I know that Spongebob and Patrick are supposed to be painting with the wet paint, but even now years after my childhood I still wet paint when I see that sexy Krabs' decor. When all is lost in that episode at the end, Krabs fixes everything with his tongue, just how you should let Krabs fix you with that tongue of his. 😏
You need to accept that no matter how many Chinese cartoons there are, only this crustacean should be in your heart. Okay, I have just proven why daddy krabby is the creamy crustacean for this krusty kumhole.
Aw man, if I had just 30 minutes with greedy Eugeeny, oh man. We'd be out clam fishing on his S.S. Cheapskate under the stars. I'd start by getting undressed with him. Then he'd open the secret curtain unleashing the force of an entire orchestra. I'd squeeze some lemon on him to neutralize the funny fishy taste that you get from most seafood, such as a seared salmon, or a grilled tuna steak, or this squishy mushy crusty buddy. As the sea fog clears and the moonlight shines down, and we're both naked, I would take out my wallet and tease him with it. His mouth would be dripping with drool. "Open sesame!" he'd call into my soul, and my wallet would open. He reaches into my wallet and grabs out my biggest 1 dollar bill. "MOAR" he moans, and I dump a hot steamy load of pennies all over him. "MOAR" he yells again, not satisfied. I the grab my 20 dollar bill and rub it around his lush chest hair. "ME BOY, YES! MOAR" He exclaims into the silent darkness. As we approach climax, I bring out my 100 dollar bill, and shove it in his mouth. We both moan as we climax, sending a frenzy of fresh cut bills into a tornado around us. As we finish, clams jump out of the water, as if the water is being happy, and they are teenagers. As my 30 minutes finishes and he disappears into the sky, my final tears drop. I decide I can't live without him and so, I, Ghetto Trap Juliet, pull out my rust dagger, and put an end to my crustacean-less misery. But as my soul leaves my body, I utter these last words "Did I... Did I firmly grasp it?..." As light turns to darkness I hear a faint "Yes boy-o. You did." I smile, and take my last breath. <3 U forever Eugene