(The PPC Theater. Three people occupy the room: a tall, lanky and deathly pallid young man with fluffy brown curls; a much shorter girl with purple hair, pointed ears, and a slightly singed coat; and a middle-aged man with messy black hair, a cape, and a flask. In the seat next to this last one is, of all things, a corded telephone. The cadaverous man clears his throat.)

VALON: Welcome, welcome, to Mystery Science Theater! I’m Valon Vance, and I’ll be your host for the evening… or rather, my wife made a bet with me that I couldn’t sit in a room with two awesome characters without squeeing. I think she’s lost the bet.

ADÉLE: Um… shouldn’t you be introducing everybody?

VALON: Right, sorry. Anyway, joining me tonight is Adéle Bowen, of the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology!

ADÉLE: Hi! (waves to the camera) Gabby said that things like this would give me an idea of what she goes through on missions.

VALON: All well and good. Plus, you know, you’re immortal.

QROW: (raises an eyebrow) Huh? Nobody’s immortal.

VALON: And now for our guest riffers! Our first esteemed guest, someone so kickass-ly awesome that he can take on the super-powerful Winter Schnee while drunk and using his weapon in its non-favored form... Qrow Branwen!

QROW: (trying not to look smug) Nah, Winter’s not that good.

VALON: And next to him... sort of... is the night-shift guide, heard but never seen—or named, for that matter—the Phone Guy!

(Silence.)

QROW: ...You forgot to turn the speaker on, didn’t you.

(Valon curses under his breath, walks over to the phone and fiddles with it, before returning to his seat.)

VALON: As I was saying...the Phone Guy!

PG: Hello? Hello hello?

VALON: Hi! So, uh, care to explain why my wife had to spend three hours wiring the camera here to the security system of Freddy Fazbear’s?

KALA: (from projection booth) Cross-dimensional linking is NOT EASY.

PG: Well, someone has to watch the place, though, uh, the animatronics are sort of busy... (distant screams can be heard from the phone) ...yeah, someone tried to break in.

QROW: Not sure I want to know.

VALON: (offhandedly) Killer animatronics.

QROW: Oh yeah, Ruby played a game like that while she was at Signal. She couldn't sleep without a nightlight for a week.

ADÉLE: Do either of you read fanfic?

QROW: People think that Winter and I make a good couple. Tch! I’d sooner date an ice sculpture, it’d be warmer. (chugs from his flask)

VALON: The fact that your goad was less “bring it on” and more “come hither, dear” probably didn’t help. What about you, Phone Guy?

PG: Oh, sure. Um, some nights the animatronics are less active and uh, it gets pretty boring.

ADÉLE: So what are we reading?

VALON: Well, there’s a reason these two in particular are here. The fic is a crossover between Five Nights at Freddy’s and RWBY. Kala was left the rather dull task of breaking it up into comprehensible chunks, since it was cursed with almost no paragraph breaks whatsoever.