“Miss Cleo Pulled the Death Card”
If you’ve watched cable in the United States, you’ve probably seen the strange commercials advertising the psychic “miss cleo” that aired during the 90s. Now, most people will tell you psychics aren’t real, and I used to be inclined to agree with them.
I saw the commercial for the pay-per-call service late one night while watching cable reruns on one of the lower number cable channels- to be honest I don’t particularly remember. There was a heavy rainstorm with lightning outside, and that made me feel that something was amiss as it had been calm just a few minutes earlier. Something struck me about this particular commercial because I hadn’t seen miss Cleo in years. But here she was- in 2018, staring me in the face as though it was 1999 again.
“Don’t you really want to know?” She started pulling cards. Miss Cleo practiced tarot, a mystical practice that dates back to the mid-15th century. “Mysticism has fallen out with the young crowd, but you know, that doesn’t mean the trees don’t speak to us.” She looked a little stranger than usual, and it was odd, because I hadn’t seen one of these commercials in years. “The devil is alive and well, and he may take on forms that even I don’t understand-“ I started to get a little uncomfortable because her line of statements seemed a little strange.
“Call me now!” She said, the tape was grainy, and I realized that it appeared as though it had been recorded on a VHS as the wavy VHS lines appeared, not like the digital recording practices commonly used today.
I hesitated. I’m not used to providing my credit card over the phone, but something compelled me to speak to “madam Cleo” as my friends used to call her. I picked up the phone, dialing the 800 number. 1-800-576-6900.
I really wanted to know my fortune now. I know that scientists say that all of this stuff is just unproven mysticism, but for some reason I really felt like Miss Cleo knew how to predict the future. I don’t know- something mysterious and strange compelled me to provide my credit card number to the automated voice over the phone.
“This is miss Cleo!” I began listening intently. “So you want to know what the cards hold in your future?” I shook my head yes, but there was a long pause because I was on the phone. “Yes.” I stated. I told her my name, age and where I live. She pulled the “tower” card. “You have a strong future ahead of you, I see a tower in your future. Unexpected change or catastrophe!” Seemed a little strange, I mean I paid money for this. “If you build things too high they have a tendency to collapse!” I started to think about how this applied to my own life and I found that nothing really seemed to relate to her reading. “You’re a psychic, right miss cle-“ “I see the lovers card now!” Was this automated, or was she simply not listening to me? I felt uncomfortable now. She continued. “You’re at a crossroads now!” She said. “You’re going to have to make a major commitment in the future.” I was really confused now, really concerned. “A crossroads with what?” I asked, but she ignored me yet again.
Lightning continued to strike outside and some weird green light was out there. I was feeling really uncomfortable now. “I’m pulling one more card, let’s see about your future.” I waited, there was a long pause, about 60 seconds of dead air, and I started to feel concerned. “Hello?” I said. “Oh…” There was again, a long pause. “Oh my.” Admittedly, I had seen dozens, if not hundreds of these advertisements. They were embedded in my subconscious. But there was one card Miss Cleo never pulled. “I’ve pulled…the death card. That’s… very rare.”
I asked her what that meant, what any of this meant, but she didn’t answer. I still couldn’t tell if this was a recording or a real person, or even miss Cleo. “Are you home alone right now?” she asked. What? Why would she ask such a thing. She continued. “I just pulled another card- are you home alone right now? The death card rarely means death, but I usually remove it from the deck. I thought I removed it- there’s someone in your home right now.” I suddenly heard a loud noise in the garbage cans in the alley outside my home. I dropped the phone and went over and looked into the alley- seeing a strange, shadowy figure. Its skin looked like newspaper, but it was moving too quickly for me to see. I went over and picked up the phone. It was a landline, so I had to leave it. I worried she had hung up. I put my ear to the receiver. “You need to get out of your house immediately. Devils, witches and skeletons are triangulating on your position!” I had to reply now. “I want to speak to your supervisor- I- I want a refund!” There was no response. Nothing at all. A slight rustling from the trees outside, a knocking sound. Someone was in my house- Miss Cleo may have been right.
What happened next shocked me- and I will never forget it until this day. There was a knocking- a knocking from my closet! I approached, concerned, scared, maybe even a little confused. I carefully turned the knob- turned the knob- and- to my horror- there was a skeleton in my closet holding a knife. The skeleton smiled. It looked like one of those old Halloween store skeletons, but it was animated- and alive. Its smile grew and it touched my arm. I pulled my arm back and it tightened its skeletal grip. The skeleton…began to dry hump me. I screamed. The skeleton tried to French kiss me without a tongue and skullfuck me- the skeleton was trying to skullfuck me! I screamed. I kicked the skeleton square in its nondescript genital area and it hissed, the skull falling on the floor. It picked up the knife and stabbed me. I tried to get to the phone- I had to get to the phone- I had to have Miss Cleo pull another card…another card. “Miss Cleo!” I screamed. I picked up the phone, barely holding it with my bloody, schizz-covered fingers. “Call me now!” She laughed. And I just heard a dead dial tone. I eventually dialed 9-1-1, but they told me it was a storm outside. And the skeleton? Just a common, garden variety Halloween skeleton. They wanted to know about the lacerations on my arms and chest though. I told them the skeleton did it, but they didn’t believe me. I didn’t buy that skeleton. Nobody bought that skeleton. And I feel, more than ever, that Miss Cleo’s prediction was correct. The cards…Now, keep in mind, this happened two weeks ago. Prior to this, I hadn’t seen Miss Cleo in years, not in television, not in print, not even on the internet until my friend Dave mentioned her…I later found out that Miss Cleo died of colon cancer in 2016.