Dear Ella,

You are the sweetest, cutest, most amazing person I've ever met. It's your birthday now, and we've almost been together for half a year. The last 6 months have been the best of my life because of you. I never actually thought that I would have anyone who loved me, I figured that maybe I could just be alone and that would be okay. Now that I have you, I realise how horrible that would have been. I would have missed out on so many wonderful things. Until you admitted you liked me, I never knew what happiness really was. When I wake up every morning, I smile. When I go to sleep at night, I smile. You have made every part of my life another wonderful thing to look forward to. School is an opportunity to do my best and go to college and work hard to get a wonderful job so i can spoil you with all kinds of gifts and presents. You give me a real purpose. Every night I fall asleep with my arms wrapped around my pillow. I pretend that my arms are around you. It makes me feel safe to imagine you there with me, safe in my arms. I promise to hold you close to me and protect you forever. I promise you that I'll keep you safe. I promise that I will comfort you and allow you to let all of your anxieties melt away. I promise you that everything will be okay. And if you are ever scared just remember that every passing moment we get a little bit closer to the day that we can meet in person. Most of all, I promise that you should never have any worries about how I feel about you. I will always love you. When you tell me something embarrassing, I only think of how much you trust me, and I feel glad. I want to be the person that you can tell absolutely anything and I want to be there for you. Even if its about me. In fact, especially about me. I want to be perfect for you. You deserve it. You show so much love to the people who need it the most. You truly want to make the people that need it the most feel happy. Even when you are mad I still see the love that's in your heart. I know sometimes you are scared. I know that you are worried about a lot of things. Your anxiety can sometimes get the best of you. When it does though, just think of me. Think of this. Take deep breaths. You go through a lot of things and you have gone through a lot of things. Don't be afraid. I'm here for you. Always. I'll never care what other people think of you. As long as you still love yourself. And you should love yourself. You're sweet and kind. You work hard to make other people happy. And don't be afraid that nobody else thinks so. You have lots of friends. People on hypixel that like you, and me, and kylee, and tons of other people i'm sure. I wish that I knew even more about you. I want you to tell me about everything that upsets you. Everything that makes you angry. Everything that makes you happy. I want to know how you are feeling and make you feel better. Whenever you are angry, find the love that is in your heart. I know that you have a lot of love to give. You told me you are insecure about telling people you are trans. But I promise you, anyone who isn't okay with that isn't a good friend. I don't know if you are scared of being bullied and stuff. From what I've seen, people don't really care. And honestly people who do can be ignored. Telling people is a really scary thought, but you shouldn't have to hide who you really are. And who you really are is really beautiful. Most of all, I promise that people don't hate you. Nobody thinks you're an idiot when you say something dumb on call. I promise. You are just letting your anxiety get to you. Everyone you call with loves you. Summer has just begun. And I promise I will make it the best summer that you've ever had. I will make this the best year you have ever had. I owe it to you, because you have already done that for me. Whenever I am with you I get this amazing feeling. I can't stop smiling. I don't really know how to describe it with words. But I'll do my best. Imagine if you woke up and every single thing you ever wanted was right there in front of you. Imagine if you could snap your fingers and you could get whatever you desired, instantly. Imagine heaven. Picture the most beautiful place you have ever seen and imagine being able to go there whenever you wish. Imagine finding out that you could never ever be sick again, you would never be scared again, you would never be insecure again, imagine all of your life goals unfolded right in front of you without you even asking for it. Have you ever had a dream that was so amazing and whole that when you wake up you just want to cry because it wasn't real? Imagine it was real. That's how i feel everytime you message me. I love you, and make sure you keep this message. Read it whenever you need to.

I already wrote my message but theres so many more things i want to say but i don't know where to put them. I want you to know that my greatest fear is that you ever hurt yourself. And I want you to know that I wish I knew about every thing that's ever upset you so that I could make you feel better. I wish I could see your life on a screen and know exactly how you feel and send you cute messages to make you feel better. I wish I could know exactly how you feel instead of just sending a text saying that I hope you have a great day and hoping it helps with anything that makes you upset. I wish that I could tell you something that would make you realize that life can be so much better than you think it is if you only just think positively. I wish that I knew what to say. I wish I could think of more creative ways to say hi and good morning. I wish that I could think of more cute things to say to you. Sometimes I spend a while just thinking about cute things I could say to you. I wish that I could be there with you right now because I could never forgive myself if you ever got hurt and I already feel bad for all the times that you've needed a hug and I wasn't there to give you one. I wish that you and your mom had a great relationship. I wish that I could do something to make everyone you know love you unconditionally. I wish that there was nobody who judged you because you are trans. I wish that I could talk to you at any time of the day. I wish I wasn't scared to admit that I wish we talked to each other more. I wish that I could write you 1000 cute little poems and let you read them all. I wish that I got better sleep so I could dream about you every night. I wish we lived in the same time zone. Most of all, I wish I knew all of your wishes.

If only I could write a million words to explain how much I love you.

I wish I could write a longer letter.

I wish that Ella would read this message every single day and memorize it and never forget how much I care.

I wish Ella would ask for help in school more often because I wish that she does her absolute best.

I wish that we could have late night talks about our future.

I wish I didn't fall asleep so easily.

I wish I could keep this organized.

This message has deformed into an unorganized mess of my thoughts but I guess that's okay as long as ella gets the message.

I have a little thing i like to do where I imagine our future together. I imagine meeting you at the airport. I cry. You cry. It feels like theres an industrial magnet pulling us together and it takes us forever to let go. We go home. We go on walks together. We hold hands. We snuggle in bed at night. We watch tv together while you rest your head on my shoulder and I have my arm around you. You fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me and your head on my chest. I'm laying on my back while you hold me and I'm not in a position I usually sleep in but I don't care at all because I'm with Ella and nothing else really matters. One day we have children. We have a little boy and a little girl. It doesn't matter how many children or what gender they are though, because they will be me and Ella's and I will love them all the same. We'll be a close knit family. We'll all be happy. We'll be great parents and our kids will be sweet. We'll all go on vacations together and have lots of fun as a family. We will all be optimistic and trust each other. I have a good job in computer science and make enough to support all of our family while still having enough time to spend time with you guys. I make enough that you don't need a job. Maybe I can even work at home, and you can sit with me and encourage me. You can sit on my lap when i play video games and when you play, too. I like to imagine you laying across the couch with your head on my lap while I play video games or watch tv. I look down and smile. I play with your hair. Your hair is soft and smells like vanilla. You sleep very peacefully, except you snore just a little bit. This doesn't matter, though, because i think it's adorable. I'll get better for you, too. I'll work out and do my best to become a better person in general. I won't let you being sick hold you back. I won't hesitate to take care of you. I know that you don't like to be babied but I'll do it anyway and when you refuse it I'll tickle you or something to make you smile. There's no way that I could stop myself from doing my best to keep you healthy. A part of me knows that you could get very sick and die. A part of me knows that you may not be expected to live until you are very old. But another part of me knows that Ella is special and she can defy the odds and there is not a second that would go by where I wouldn't be right by your side. Yet still, a part of me knows that one of us will die eventually. But that's okay. If I die first then you will know just how deeply I will regret having not been there for you during some portion of your life. I know it will be hard for you. Remember that you can always go back upon the memories, and maybe even through our messages if they are still accessible. If you die first then I know that it will be rough for me. I will certainly cry for many days. I have to admit that. I know though, that you believe in the after life and I will know that maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that you are looking down on me and I promise you that I will make you proud and keep going.

I'm so sorry to write this last bit. I am tearing up myself and I know it's scary. But trust me, for as long as you could know it, I will be right here for you. Please do not cry anything but tears of joy while reading this. Don't be scared.

Another thing I want to tell you is that when I say that I think you are beautiful I really really mean it. Even if you don't think you are. Even if nobody else does. I don't care what they think. You are the prettiest girl in the world. Your eyes and unique and beautiful. Your hair is amazingly cute. The most beautiful part of you is your smile, though. When I see Ella smiling I feel a wave of love rush over my entire body. It's amazing. And i love it. And i love you.