a guest Jan 20th, 2020 70 Never
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- I WILL do my very best to remember that.
- You probably deserve to know that, while I'm in no way excusing my reclusive tendencies, this is an issue that's been affecting most facets of my life for going on a year now, though I have only recently been coming to understand that fact. My few non-online friends, what family I keep in contact with, and even my wife have noticed it too, and it's been growing progressively worse.
- I've been under the impression that this is just how I am, that it's always been this way, and very often I'm still convinced of that. But you're not the only one who has spoken up about this recently.
- Originally, I thought it was my job that was killing me, sapping my creativity, energy, motivation and so on. But over the past 5 or 6 months they haven't been working me as hard - yet I still find myself sleeping my weekends away and avoiding people for days or weeks on end without even realizing it, or intentionally but for stupid reasons.
- On Saturday, I found myself talking to my wife about this and ultimately she became very upset, informing me that apparently she and some others among my friends and family have been observing suicidal tendencies in my behavior over the past couple of months. Further discussion brought me to the realization that yes, without knowing it, I have in fact been slipping into a very dangerous state of mind. Lots of the 'classic signs' have been there the whole time but I never had cause to realize it before it was pointed out to me.
- I'm now in the process of reconnecting with the only medication prescriber who has always taken me seriously and actually listened to what I have to say. Something else I realized recently was that over the past year, I've been expressing a hesitation to bring up these concerns with my prescribers (Who have been continuously quitting and getting replaced by new ones, each more incompetent than the last) Because every time I've broached the topic that maybe my meds were becoming ineffective they all immediately began to make threats of taking me off them completely cold-turkey, the very idea of which is utterly terrifying, since I know for a fact that they're the only thing that's kept me going all these years. Hopefully I'll be able to get in contact with my old doctor soon, make some changes to my medications, and maybe see some improvements in my behavior.
- I've always said that the most insidious thing about serious, chronic depression is that the disease does everything within its power to convince the afflicted that it's simply the way things are, that there's no problem at all and so no point in trying to solve it. Recognizing a problem is, after all, the first step in solving it. I've had more than enough first-hand experience with this very phenomenon that I guess I fell into a complacent assumption that I'd recognize it if it happened again, but clearly I was wrong. Sort of ironic, because ever since coming out of it 5-or-so years ago, falling back into it without realizing has been a consistent fear of mine.
- So, hopefully, over the next few weeks, you'll see some changes in me for the better. Again, I'm in no way justifying the way I've been acting, and I understand entirely if you want to keep yourself distanced from me until conditions improve because I'm aware of how toxic someone in my situation can be to their friends, even without meaning to. But know that I've recognized the problem and am undertaking steps to solve it, and I'll do my best to be a better friend in the meantime.
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