goodnight reprise

7:33 AM. Sunrise in five minutes.

I watched him dust off an old record and put it into the player. Wonderful. Just what we needed, some mood  music to die to. I certainly didn't feel bad enough already.

I regretted those feelings almost the moment they popped into my head and I think it showed on my face, because he gave me a sad look and rest a hand on my shoulder. Negativity wasn't what I needed now. But that's all I had, wasn't it? Staring out an east-facing window with only death to look forward to... It wasn't something I could be happy about.

He checked himself in the mirror and recoiled at what he saw. Yeah, I knew that feeling too. That's why I refused to look. I'd accidentally caught a glimpse once and saw how much of a monster I'd become.  That's one thing I always had, no matter how bad things got, and now even that was gone.

I was almost ninety years old and still feeling like I was going to be missing so much. I hadn't even broken the human lifespan. It wasn't fair. It wasn't. My teeth grit and my grip on the chair tightened.

But I realized, these feelings weren't my own, at least not completely. Inside I felt that Beast, that horrible disgusting thing begging me to act on those feelings, go out in one last blaze of degeneracy. No. I wouldn't give it that satisfaction. I couldn't. Not after what it made me do. Not after the people it made me hurt. My body slacked and I sat, dumbly in the chair, still dead silent because who could possibly know what to say?

The record finally started, and the music's lyrics were, of course, fitting in some sickly-sweet ironic way. It was something from a little bit before my time. Well within his, of course. It had been so long since I heard anything played this way, the crackle and scratch of old vinyl sending me instantly into nostalgia.

By now the both of us were staring over the veranda's edge, off into the gently rolling hills that lead to the city. The sun was just starting to peek over the edge, casting the landscape in a pale grayish light. There wasn't enough yet to break through the night's chill.

I was back, a good ways into a century ago, as I looked out, for once not distracted by noise and city lights. It wasn't a feeling I particularly liked, but here I was. I was a little boy, running around the trunks of plum trees without a care in the world. I was a wily adolescent, used to a life of jumping around trains and hoping where I'd stopped wouldn't be torn. I was an unsure young adult, not knowing how to handle stability.

I was embraced, and hoping to live the rest of my days in confidence and bliss once I was aware of my potential.

But, as the sun started sending soft golden strands across the sky, I realized. No matter how badly things were then, I always had hope. I kept going because I knew that I deserved to live. Someday, things would get better, and for a while I was rewarded for that determination. I was important and loved by damn near everyone. I was safe, never had to spend a night alone. There was always something to look forward to.

There was no hope now. This was the end. Not just for me, but for everyone.

And with that in mind, exhaustion was just that much harder to deal with.

"So, this is it, huh?"

It left my mouth before I even realized what I had said. Someone had to break the silence. I just wish it wasn't something so stupid, so simple and meaningless. This was my lover I was talking to! Someone I gladly would have put my life on the line for, someone who I had made a pact to die with... and that's all I could say.

He didn't seem to notice. If he did, he didn't show it.

"It seems so."

"Mmmh. I won't lie and say I was expecting it to be like this..."

"I didn't either, but... It's been a long time since I last saw a sunrise..."

"Right."

After that, it went silent. Maybe that's all that needed to be said. He finally settled down beside me. Somewhere in that space of time, I lost it. I don't know why I'd even bothered trying to keep my composure, Maybe it was more for his sake than mine. He already looked bad enough.

My head fell against his shoulder and every bit of emotion raced out of my face in coppery tears. All the regret, all the sadness... all the love, too. I would miss that most of all. Loving, and being loved.

But there wasn't anything that could be done about that now. He pulled me closer. The warmth broke through.