Fiery Firefighting Fight

>Salamander.
>Hellhound.
>Let the Firefighting Combat Challenge begin.

>With the apparition of Monster girls and the total governmental freakout that happened at the same time, it was quite obvious that a civil war would rise. But that didn't happen. Instead, the world became a nuclear wasteland after some dumbass pressed the panic button. Humanity, Monsterkind, and basically any living thing that was not a cockroach or a shitty microscopic bug, would soon meet its end. The last few survivors struggled every day for resources as they dwindled more and more, some even turning to cannibalism to prevail in that age of death.
>Except for Bob.
>Fuck Bob.
>Fuck Bob and his cozy underground bunker in particular.
>Fuck that self-efficient fucker and his cat Jennyfer.
>God I hate retarded feline. I despise the furry felis catus.
>Yes, that is the scientific name for domestic cat.
>No, I didn't make that one up.
>You know what? Fuck this setting too.
>I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all. Let's try again, but with more happy and funny garbage this time.
>------->Restart the story?
---->Yes
---->No

>---->Yes.
>"Hello Monsters and Gentlemen, it's time for the annual Firefighting Combat Challenge!"
>"In today's competition, our two combatants are... Are you sure? This is not the Firelighter competition, that one starts next week. Oh, really? Well, okay then. I'm not responsible for what will happen next."

Ahem, In today's competition, our two combatants are Sally Mander, the Salamander, and Hella Hound, the Hellhound."
>"This is a joke right? You're just shitting on me in front of national television, aren't you? Is that virgin Danuki from PR responsible for this? If she is, I'm taking all her shekels and donating them to orphanages. And then I'll laugh as the 'coon tries to extort them back from small children. Boy am I going to make her su-
Oh, that's really their names? Shitty parents, huh."

>"With that interruption aside, let us start our first challenge! The classic Stair Climb with a High Rise pack."
>"Let us explain this one for the newcomers. They'll be carrying a really heavy hose up six flights of stairs. Easy right? No. It's hard. And exhausting. Unless you're fit. Like they are. God are they fit. Look at those abs."
>"Where was I? Oh right, the Stair Climb. Bout fifty steps, you can't let the hose touch the ground, You must step on every step. Place it in the box at the top, run down, go to second challenge. Simple."
>"Aaaaaand start. Sally's already gotten an advantage, seems like this is going to be an easy win for her, considering the impressive muscles she's sporting. Man, she must be working. Damn those scales look shiny. And buff. I didn't know scales could look buff. I wonder if she uses loti-Wait what, Eros's luscious tits be praised, it seems like Hella took the lead this time. Oh hey look, she's already at the top. How did she even do tha-Right. Four feet, she's a dog. Kind of predictable, but I guess it's fine all the same. Seems like Sally got to the top too. Now we just have to watch them descend the stairs while holding both handrails. Woohoo.
Sally's bipedalism makes up for the first half it seems, and she's won. What a comeback. Onto the next event. The part where the hose is lifted up has been removed due to time constraints and rallying from the 'opposable thumb'-impaired part of our society. So there goes our second event, onto the third one."

>"Moving to the Forcible Entry event. No, that is not a sexual innuendo. No, I'm not looking for a partner. No, that is NOT a sexual innuendo."
>"Anyways, seeing as our fighters have super-human strength, arrangements have been made to make the competition fair for any human competitors. Our lovely ladies will have to break through a 25.4 centimeter thick(Or 10 inches thick, for the imperially-impaired viewers) wall made out of a magically infused titanium alloy. Its toughness has been reached after years of research, it could even resist a wurm's serious poke, as such, we're bound to see an actual effort be made."
>"My hope for actual commenting and your hopes for entertainment seem to have been crushed yet again. Sally just performed a slash. That slash just cut the wall into tiny cubes. Actually, I think it was many slashes. Many fiery slashes. I'm not exactly sure. Either way, I'm calling bullshit on that. I'll name her slash 'The 1.000.000th Flaming Instant', it should be chuuni enough. Wait no, know what, I'll add an 'of Darkness' at the end. There, it's perfect now.

AHEM.

Hella still seems to be working on her wall. The sledgehammer seems to be holding up quite well. That's a wurm for ya. The wall's getting kinda small now, actually. Like, really small. Jeez, that's tiny. Is it even a millimeter across now? That seems dense. Really dense. Anime protag kind of dense. Can it get any sma-fuck it's a black hole now. She just sledgehammer'd a titanium wall into a black hole. We're all doomed, fuck. Fuck. FUC-oh it's gone. That's Hawking radiation for you, I suppose. Do we give extra points for the creation of a black hole? Yes? Ok. Hella wins. Onto the next one."
>"Someone send this data to the science department, they'll have a field day with this."

>"It's time for the Fourth Event! Hoes Advance! I mean Hose Advance! Sprint 40 meters. Grab a hose. A pressurized one at that. Sprint 2 meters. Drag the hose by walking quickly about 20 meters. Open the nozzle, shoot the target, dunk the Tanuki into the water basin and you win."
>"As per our sponsors deman-requestImeantrequestpleasedonthurtme, the participants must wear tight-fitting swimsuits. Delicious fanservice, provided by our sponsors, The Swimsuitlovers.inc, buy your very own tight impractical swimsuit today. Thecompanyisnotresponsibleforanydeviationoftheplotofanystoryandassuchcantbeheldaccountableforanybeachepisodesthatmayappearinyourfavoriteshowsthatserveasfilter."
>"Not even one second has passed since the start of the race, and Hella has already reached the hose! I can now feel the horror of anyone who might be proactively dated by her in the future. Having to carry the hose in her hands seems contradictory when you think about the first stage, but don't worry, it is. It'll be fixed in next year's edition. At any rate, due to that, Sally has managed to catch up, and they're already at the target shooting part. They're both at it at the same time, but there's only one Tanuki."
>"They don't seem to care about that though, so there goes the PR Danuki, let's hope that she doesn-I mean, let's hope that she does know how to swim, because I sure as hell am not going to resuscitate her. Again. That shit scheme only works once. Once, Karen!"
>"Yeah, we'll call this one a tie."

>"Now, dear viewers, it's time for our fifth and last event, the host rescue! Wait what. I think there's a mistake here, it should say 'victim rescue', you know, the one where you drag a mannequin to the finish line and then you win. It's not a mistake? I didn't agree to any of this! What do you mean continue reading! I'm not getting paid if I don't continue? Fine. I'll read it. Fucking corporate shills."

>"For this event, the competitors must reach the location of the host(Wait), strip him down(What), drag him to the middle of the field in which the competition is held him(No) and save him from being a bachelor(Stop). The host will then choose the victor(This), participate in the marriage ceremony(Please), and then lovingly impregnate them while holding their hands and kissing their nose(Save) and starting a family with them(me), thus, achieving a happy ending."
>"That's lewd. There goes the door, sluts and fuckboys. Hello Sally, Hi Hella, please don't hurt me.
Your hair smells nice.
Your abs are pretty.
Pleasedonthurtme"
>"You think I'm cute? Thank you, that means you'll go easy on me, right? That just means I'll look better without my clothes on? Ok. Pleasebegentle."
>"Hey, this is pretty nice actually, kinda warm, but I li-GOD IT BU-hey it's nice again."
>/* Violent flesh hitting sounds go here */
>"Sponsors, can we call this a draw? Yes? Ok."
>/*Wholesome activities go here. */
>/*Extremely lewd activities go here. */
>/*More wholesome activities go here. */
>/*Host telling his new partners that he loves them goes here. */
>"And that, viewers that are still watching this and not fucking like animals, concludes the annual Firefighting Combat Challenge, with no clear winner, just like the past decade. We'll see you again next year, with another exciting competition. Host, out."