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a guest Jun 9th, 2017 8 Never
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  1. "I've been on this rant many times before,
  2. I guess I'll be on it many times more,
  3. Each time hurts more than the last,"
  4. This kind of thing happens a lot in my relationship with this person. They'll offer me slightly less attention than they usually do, and immediately assume the worst. Part of it is just my own head's natural pre-disposition to make me think things like this, but this person has cut me off before in a way that makes part of my brain think that - even after a year of our friendship being uninterrupted and healthy - her abandoning me is an entirely plausible idea.
  5.  
  6.  
  7. "And words are the only way to get these feelings out,
  8. I can't talk to you because I don't know how to,
  9. But there's a problem between us that I don't know any other way to fix,"
  10. I feel like I'd come across as too clingy if I brought these issues up to her, because I know I'm overreacting and I don't want her to think I'm this obsessive and I definitely don't want to be controlling over her. But, on the off-chance that my brain is right for once, I'd never be able to solve the issue or discuss it because I'm too scared to raise the question if it's actually there or not.
  11.  
  12. "The feeling in my stomach tells me this is the last,
  13. Maybe you belong in the past,
  14. With your one sided replies and lack of interest,"
  15. Her replies recently have been single words, even when she initiates the conversation. It feels like I'm putting a load of effort into our conversations while she doesn't actually appreciate the fact I'm using my time for her. I raise the question whether or not I should let the possible decline of our friendship continue uninterrupted, because maybe my quality of life would improve. My stomach feels sick because I don't know if I actually want her to go, and I fear it with all my heart.
  16.  
  17. "You told me you'd sell yourself to somebody else,
  18. Let them hold you and touch you in a way that I no longer think I ever can,
  19. In exchange for a wealth jobless college boys can't provide,"
  20. She told me she wants a sugar daddy and that her best friend wanted to help her find one. This would provide her with money, her university tuition possibly paid, and maybe she'd get a nice car or some shit. But it makes my head burn and my heart ache to even so much as picture her with somebody other than me, and I feel inadequate knowing I can't provide this for her. It also pisses me off that she'd, in my personal opinion, stoop to the level of a glorified prostitute.
  21.  
  22. "I can't even afford a guitar to drown out my noise,"
  23. I want to buy an electric guitar, but I don't have the money because I don't earn enough from school and I don't want to add a job to my list of stresses until I finish college. 'Drown out the noise' meaning that I can take my anger out by playing rock songs or learning a new craft, turning my overreaction into something productive.
  24.  
  25. "Maybe one day you'll be telling 'all the drinks are on me',"
  26. I want her to be with me one day in a bar, where we'd be drinking alcohol (duh) and talking, and she'd have the money from success (as opposed to from a sugar daddy) to be able to say that the drinks are on her and her time with me is worth the expense.
  27.  
  28. "We could go to a hotel room and we'd have a two person party,
  29. Budweiser and a French letter or two,"
  30. Get drunk and have sex. Obviously. Cus I'm a teenage boy. I thought the line actually just sounded nice and it meant something - not particularly high in this list of things I want from her yet.
  31.  
  32. "Kiss goodbye and you'd fly back home,
  33. Happily ever after in the making,
  34. We'd holiday under the Balkan Sun for years to come,
  35. Sometimes I see a little baby girl and baby boy,"
  36. The morning after the hotel room, we'd kiss goodbye and she'd fly back home. Her parents come from the Balkans, and go there every year - it's a dream of mine to be accepted into someone's family because my own is extremely dysfunctional. Holidaying with them would be a level of acceptance I wish for, especially to a new country and especially a hot one. We'd have to be married - the baby boy and baby girl think is fairly self-explanatory, I would assume.
  37.  
  38. "The dreams used to make me laugh,
  39. They were thinking too far ahead,
  40. Yet they made me wake with hope,
  41. I could spring out of bed and send a good morning text,"
  42. I knew that the dreams were unlikely to ever happen, and at that point our relationship was far beyond the level of requirement for me to even be thinking about joining her family and starting my own, but they would make me feel happy knowing that there was - maybe - a future there for me, and it gave me a goal to pursue and urgency to speak to her.
  43.  
  44. "Now I'm scared to sleep,
  45. I get visions of loneliness and a future without you,"
  46. I have a recurring dream where she - alongside every single one of my other friends - cuts me off and I the previous dreams of the future I wished for are completely gone. It makes me scared to go to sleep because this is my ultimate fear - not even death can scare me as much as the idea of being alone.
  47.  
  48. "Dreams of other's success while I end it by hanging myself,
  49. The ceiling fan spins on and on and on,"
  50. In the dream, I look at where my friends are at that point and they all have families, they have businesses, their dream jobs - while, in the dream, I'm stuck in a dead-end job that I hate and trapped in a small dingy apartment with a ceiling fan in the middle of the room. At the end of the dream, I tie a noose around my neck and hang myself from the ceiling fan, and the ceiling fan spins on and on until somebody finds me in there weeks later because nobody cares about me enough to come check up.
  51.  
  52. "I feel this a realistic reality,
  53. It weighs me into my bed until my legs can't take it anymore,"
  54. I feel like the dream is a potential actual outcome for my life, and it makes me scared to get out of bed in case whatever I do that day sends me further on the way to that path.
  55.  
  56. "And I love you too much to just let go,
  57. And I hate myself too much to know what's good"
  58. I love the girl too much to tell her I need to end things which would undoubtedly hurt her too - maybe more than it would hurt me - and I don't know what to do, so I inflict emotional pain on myself by letting this drag on rather than have her be hurt.
  59.  
  60. "And while I may be jumping the gun,
  61. I'm really not feeling fun,
  62. How do I say 'I love you' without making you run?"
  63. I know this is all in my head - I.E jumping the gun/running to conclusions, but the toll it's having on my mental state isn't nice. I want to tell her I love her to 'secure her' away from somebody else, but I'm afraid she actually will
  64. cut me off if I do so.
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